Help!
Stepmother of 4 years here, and I need some HONEST in your face advice from all moms, stepmoms and dads out in cyberspace.
Here is some background:
Stepson is 5 years old, and is an exceptionally bright young boy, getting ready to go into Kindergarten.
Mom thinks that "something is wrong with his brain." This young boy is incredible, especially for being a child of two very different households with different parental figures in his life. He of course, has his days, but overall acts in a manner in which one could expect of a 5 year old. However, his mother is convinced that there is something wrong with his brain and wants to put him on medication and have a CAT SCAN (which our PRIVATE PAY) insurance does not cover. The reason being is that she looked on WebMD and thinks he has symptomology of turrets and/or brain tumor. My husband and I completely disagree, but husband booked an appointment with our PCP to help ease concerns. Stepson's PCP has completely discounted biomom's claims and suggested counseling for stepson and all parents. After numerous, lengthy conversations between all parties, she is unmoving in her beliefs. Mom has gone ahead and scheduled an appointment (and will not disclose appointment information) for a PET and CAT scan with a neurologist which will be billed in husband's name (as insurance is under our plan) and will take him and bill us with or without permission. My husband is pursuing his masters in psychology and has tried to reason with her to pursue counseling for all of us over her (outlandish and quite frankly, unfounded) concerns. She is unmoving and I do not know if there is anything we can do other than expect to be billed for $4,000 worth of scans. Any advice on how to potentially diffuse this situation? She has told stepson that there is something wrong with him and that she is the only one that cares enough to want to fix it. I am even more concerned with the effect this is having on his self image and self esteem as he now believes "his brain is broken" because his mother told him so. Please, any and all advice is appreciated.
My divorce decree states what is allowed and not allowed with regards to my childrens medical care. In my agreement, what she is wanting to do would be her sole responsibility since the PCP says it is unnecessary. All decrees are different but the language in mine is pretty standard. Good luck. Therapy sounds like a good idea!
Has your husband spoken to his attorney? If not... pronto.
Based on what you said, Mom looks like a loon. But, maybe there is something that isn't presented here that puts her concerns in a better light.
I don't know. I'm an outsider and don't know either of you or your history. It doesn't sound healthy for the child to have his mother tell him his brain is broken....
So, I'd suggest the first stop is an attorney's office. They can advise your husband what avenues are available to him to try to deal with this. Perhaps a motion for an emergency hearing to stop her doing this... although the court may not consider it as a valid emergency... but you could always file a motion that sets out your disagreement with the necessity of the testing to begin with, which includes the medical opinion of your step son's PCP who supports no additional testing... and request that the costs of any further testing done on this issue, that reveal only normal results, will be borne solely by her.
You might not win. But you might.
Talk to an attorney.
The other reason I'd talk to an attorney is that if she is truly paranoid about this, she may not be mentally stable and a change of custody might be in order. I don't know. I don't know either of you, or the child or his dad.
Just something to think about.
Unless you had the worst divorce attorney on earth it says in your decree you must agree in all medical expenses not covered by insurance. Medical expense as defined by tax code. Although this is considered a medical expense if you do not agree she will be liable for the full expense.
Start with reading your decree. If your decree includes this under medical expenses draft a letter explaining your position, quoting the decree. Send it certified. Faced with that expense she may stop seeing the merits of google and problem solved. Well at least this problem.
I think your DH needs to talk to the office where the scan was scheduled. Tell them that not only does he object and think it's unnecessary, but the child's PCP (and give him the contact info for that person) thinks it's not necessary. If it is her decision, then it should be her bill. I would even go to that office to speak to them if I thought I was going to be stuck with $4k of unnecessary care. I would also question a neurologist that would see a child against the advice of his PCP. If she's already taken him to an appointment, the information for the office should be available via billing or the insurance.
When my sks had anything beyond normal copays, like braces or wisdom tooth extraction, their BM had to agree to it or it was all on us. Is there a clause in his CO that states anything about large medical expenses? I do agree your DH needs to review the divorce agreement and consider whether or not this requires legal action. Who has primary physical custody? I agree that a call to the lawyer is in order.
The other side is that he should look for a counselor for his child. If the child is in school now, reach out to the counselor for the school as well for resources, etc. What I worry about here is Munchhausen's by Proxy, which can lead to the unnecessary medical treatment and death of a child.
I am surprised you haven't called the insurance company about this. There would have to be a referral probably first from his medical doctor. This sounds like a specialist situation and there has to be a reason. Not sure how you came up with the $4,000 although I know a package of kleenex these days costs a lot at hospitals. You need to do this now. Or your husband needs to. And since it's on his insurance he has every right to check up on this. And I would advise tell the insurance company that you did not approve this. I also want to add that although mom and dad's opinion are important once they go to school there will be other people who will be determining whether or not he has a specific special need or if mom just doesn't have any patience for a small energetic child.
Does your husband share legal custody? If so then he can put a stop to the test until he meets with the doctors for further explanation. If biomom is refusing to tell you where the appointment is, then if or when they bill your husband he needs to call and inform this doctors practice that they never had his consent and he has shared legal custody and that is violating his rights as a parent. I would contact your attorney at once and have something hopefully an emergency petition/special relief petition drawn up and presented in front of the judge. Best wishes!
Has anyone spoken with his mother? WHY does she think that something is wrong with him? At this point, she might be feeling desperate that she is all alone in sensing something harmful going on with her son. If she doesn't have a history of being difficult or loony, then try showing some compassion for a mother who feels the need to dig her heels in. Sometimes a bio parent will just sense that something is a bit off and then feel all alone on a quest to prove that he/she is not just crazy or "over sensitive". It could be a very minor something that others would consider "no big deal"--which usually turns into someone disregarding it as "nothing"--but by the time they finish ridiculing and cutting their eyes, it's become a cause that must be won at all costs. She might not completely realize that these scans are such major expenses, if she is used to insurance covering everything. You might be surprised by how many patients request tests just to check everything out, with no idea of what is really involved.
Also, keep in mind that you are new to the party. Although you know her on some level and live with him, you cannot get inside their dynamic. You probably know ALL the reasons that their relationship didn't work and how you're so different. (I have my own ideas about that: When we don't resolve certain issues in our relationships, then we continue to attract people who will keep bringing up those issues.) I am speaking as a second wife and as a stepmother.
No two relationships are exactly alike. Maybe being married to him was a stifling and belittling experience. Maybe with him she always felt like her feelings and thoughts and perceptions weren't valid, and now she doesn't have to subject herself to that anymore. I don't know. I'm just saying to consider that you actually do not/cannot know ALL that is involved here. That awareness might help you to have a different approach with her.
I'm not sure of how you all get along, but your husband should lead this charge. As very involved steps, we don't like to be told to take a back seat, but when it comes to the law, we are not equal to the bio parents. He has two bio parents, and this is THEIR fight. If you stay on the forefront, it'll look like you are ganging up on her. Of course, you agree with your husband, so that opinion isn't really a fair one, is it?
Talk to your attorney FIRST. Get it on record that his father is not in agreement with this and doesn't want to be responsible for any part of the bill, if the scans are normal. Follow through as advised with the medical staff and insurance company. Maybe they can get an order that you all must submit to counseling before any new medical appointments--formally recommended by PCP and presented to the court.
Maybe she is certifiably crazy. Try to see her as just a mother who is fighting for her child. Even crazy mothers love their babies; they just tend to see things through different lenses. And, really, what harm is there in toning it down a bit and being gentler (still firm, though) with her?
PS. What will you do if further testing does show some abnormality? Will you apologize to her for giving her such grief? If you address it from a compassionate place in the beginning, you won't have to do any backtracking, and it makes for more positive encounters in the future, no matter what the outcome.
ADD: I like the idea of approaching the mom from a place of concern and compassion and asking what she's noticing that is concerning her, since the PCP did not recommend further testing. Have your husband ask - verbally, and in an email so he can take this info to the PCP just in case. Because if her gut is telling her something is wrong and she's doing a crappy job of articulating that, it'll be good to help her get the info out to you also. It may reassure her that your all Co-parenting together, which is a good thing. And if it's valid info, you need to know it.
The "brain is broken" thing pisses me off, though because she doesn't have any medical proof, just a "feeling" so telling him that he's "broken" is just thoughtless. Sigh.
ORIGINAL: What AV and Isnththisfun said.
Check your divorce/custody papers regarding medical stuff.
Contact the insurance company directly and inform them that the PCP did not order this.
And talk to a lawyer, because if she needs help, she needs to get it ASAP before she hurts him. She may not mean to, but if she is having a break of some kind, which it sounds like, dad needs to do something. She's freaking me out with her behavior and manipulation, but it may not be "on purpose" - it may be she has fears that seem real to her, but if they aren't real, that's an issue that needs addressing.
Call the insurance company and tell them you do not approve of the tests. Have your husband call his attorney to see what can be done. This isn't fair at all.
I'm confused and think either you're exaggerating or don't have all the facts. If a neurologist truly ordered both a CT scan AND a PET scan, (s)he must feel *something* is going on.
CTs are kind of nothing tests, and anyone going to the er with a headache, stomachache, or backache usually gets one. Expensive, but no big deal.
A PET scan is serious business. It requires a radioactive tracer and takes at least 60 minutes. So a 5-year-old would probably require at the very least conscious sedation or general anesthesia. No MD is going to order a PET scan (or even an MRI) on a child this young to pacify a hysterical mother if NO medical reason exists.
So some doctor apparently - a specialist, as neurologists do typically know more about the brain than a PCP - thinks the benefit of a PET scan for diagnosis outweighs the risks, which aren't insignificant.
If I were you, I'd worry less about the child's mother (not bio-mom; she's just mom) and your pocket book and more about the possibility that something could be wrong with your stepson.
And if the PET scans are clear - then thank god, right? Better to be safe then let some tumor grow unchecked and end up killing him, right?
I'd call an attorney and absolutely take her back to court and get it written that she is responsible for any and all medical charges that his insurance does not cover. It's pretty normal for a dad to carry insurance on his kids regardless of custody if he can do that through his employer and if he has the financial means.
You could also call the insurance company and ask them if they know what to do. They should have the doc's offices number. Call that doc and let them know you won't be able to pay those charges. That's crazy.
With the way this court decree is written she can go to a thousand docs a month with kiddo and send the bill to you. Take him to get expensive tests all over the USA and send the bill to you.
IF THIS IS NOT in the divorce/custody decree then by all means. Send the bill back to the doc's office when you get it and write, not responsible for this bill. Talk to the mom.
This sounds strange all around. His PCP needs actual reasons to order scans.
Wow. I am more horrified by the mother telling this to her son than her trying to bill you guys for $4K worth of scans.
I don't know how to stop that, but you and your husband need to do all you can to counteract this woman's detrimental messages to her son. There are ways to give your child a scan without scaring the heck out of him.
A neurologist will actually schedule these scans before seeing the patient? I highly doubt that. And they won't do these tests just because some crazy mom wants them.
IMHO, you need to get the med records from the PCP and then file for an injunction to stop the tests. After that, file for modification of custody and try to get the judge to order counseling for everyone.
Start having your husband get all communication in emails ONLY. Then get a copy of the medical records that say the PCP doesn't think anything is wrong and he doesn't need any kind of scan. Make sure the PCP documents that mom is insistent and dad agrees with PCP. Then file a Modification of custody with your courthouse. File for either sole custody (dad makes all medical and educational decisions while mom still gets visitation) OR file to ask that it stays joint custody but that dad has final say in ALL medical decisions. The reason is that insurance is in his name, mom is abusing use of insurance, and she is seeking medical procedures for son that are not medically necessary. Also, call your insurance company and tell them your ex is trying to get procedures done that you don't agree with and is there some kind of flag they can put on your policy that she can't authorize treatment for your son. Good luck.
What biological mother who really cares tells her child that his brain is broken? If she truly cared about his well-being, she wouldn't tell him there is something wrong with him and she is the only one who cares to fix it. The fact that she is doing this is going to be psychologically damaging to the child.
I hope there is nothing actually wrong with your step-son, and I hope that his biological mother gets the help that she needs to correct the way that she is treating him. Poor little guy is stuck in the middle of a firestorm.
