Moms of Teens: Why Do They Explode over Nothing?

Well the short answer is hormones.
But longer answer is probably because he is spending his whole summer studying, doing housework, at home with his parents, no friends his own age, and not allowed to do anything he might consider fun (like games or screen time.)
I'd be pissy too.

It's hormones and so many things. Tell him that he has 2 legs and if he wants something he can go get it or do without.

It sounds (from this post and some of your previous posts) that your family might be too restrictive. You mentioned previously that each morning you sit down and your son gets to choose what chores to do that day and with which parent. Why is it necessary for your teen son to accompany you and your husband each and every morning to Starbucks? It sounds like he doesn't even enjoy coffee - not even the iced ones. Why does he choose a parent to do a chore with? He should just have some basic responsibilities and know what they are. It doesn't require a morning conference.

Could he sleep in and maybe walk the dogs himself in the evening? It's a good way to meet people. I know you said he doesn't want to go to museums or bowling alleys or nearly anywhere else. Are all these outings that he vetoes a family event, with both parents? Could he have a friend over and just play video games for the evening with just one friend?

Sometimes, if parents are too closely connected with a child, for whatever reason - to protect the child, prevent things like drinking and drug use, just out of routine, out of some kind of guilt, because of the way the parents were raised - it stifles the child to the point where it's nearly impossible for the child to do anything independently.

I'd try to loosen the reins a bit. His school sounds like it will be pretty strict and structured, so maybe his summer could include some more down time?

1) Hormones.

2) He's in that twilight zone between dependent child and independent adult. He can't decide where the dividing lines are on every single issue, so half the time he's in the mode of "I'm a mature adult and can handle full independence" and the other half he's in the opposite one that says "I'm a child and my parents meet my every need."

The part of his brain that predicts consequences is the last one to develop - and that's around age 25. So, that's what plays into pretty serious decisions (going to a party and finding out everyone is drinking, for example) and also the mundane ones (not noticing that the line was 10 minutes long and planning ahead to place an order).

So, my advice is to let him see consequences more often. I'd try to relate them to the same issue though. Nothing wrong with what you did (washing floors because of a tantrum), but it's even more effective if they have to pay the price more directly (put him in charge of his laundry, and then he can't explode when his favorite shirt is in a crumpled heap on the bedroom floor; put him in charge of remembering his assignments and talking to the teacher, without you writing a note, to explain why he forgot something).

If it helps, just know that it gets much better when they are 16-17 and see the car keys dangling in front of them.

I know he's too big to force back into his room, but you do still have the ultimate power. Just don't go to every fight you're invited to.

After your SWH: I was shy and always said no when my mother suggested finding friends and activities. My aunt came to stay awhile. She looked for ways to help me get involved.

My grandson with Aspergers wanted friends but was having no luck making friends. A family friend found activities he might enjoy and took him to try them out. I signed him up for guitar lessons when he showed an interest in the Beatles and their music. 3 months later he's still taking lessons.

Your posts have said you ask and he says no. You're the mom. You know he needs to learn how to make friends. He'll probably never be outgoing, willing to take on challenges. He does need to be able to interact with some people in order to be self sufficient as an adult. You learn about activities that seem to fit. Name 2, telling him to choose one. He has to try. Do not accept no.You take him and arrange for another boy to go with him or meet him there. Perhaps a neighbor boy or a classmate. His teacher can tell you who he seems interested in and suggest activities to try. I've walked the neighborhood looking for possible playmates fir my grandchildren.

If you don't know how to get him involved, perhaps you're shy, ask for help. Do you know any other parents in your neighborhood? They could help. The school will help. Talk with the people who are already helping him. You said.that your son interacted with other kids. The lesson for me would be that he's helped being social in a structured environment. By giving him choices and not accepting no, you are providing a framework from which to lear.

If he said he didn't want to go to school would you not send him? Learning social skills in ways that fit his personality is just as important as academics.

When you get him involved with a friend and an activity, he will have less time vegging. You might start by connecting him with an online game played with another kid. Show him electronics can be shared with a kid that could become a friend. Then branch out to more physically active activities.

You've focused on his academic education. You can help him become more involved in activities. Kids aren't born knowing how to make friends or vary their.activities.
***********************

Hormones! What happened to you, happens to most parents of teens. If he's otherwise responsible, I wouldn't worry. I know it's painful and feels personal. I've been there.

Consider that his body is changing, he feels different and is starting the process of being less dependent on you. In some ways he's a different person than the child you are used to.

Of course you're hurt and or angry. Perhaps he volunteered to do those chores.because he knows he hurt you and this is his way to apologize. He may be just as anxious as you about changes in the way he feels and how anger takes over.

He will grow up. This is another of those phases. Hopefully, you can tell him how his words hurt after both of you get past your anger. When he was a child his consequences were more direct and in some ways, simpler. As a teen, we as parents, are now negotiating an emotional world that does feel more difficult. Your son is growing up and needs a more in depth understanding of his emotions and yours.

Hormones?
Seriously, teens are interesting creatures. They are caught between being a kid (still actually being immature), wanting to be an adult (with the privileges that come with it), being emotionally off balance, and immature, but swinging wildly from maturity to immaturity at random times of the day and night, feeling like an adult and still longing to be a kid and escape the adult responsibilities looming before them.... It's scary and exciting and they long to be free! But... just not yet. But NOW! But... no, really I don't want anyone to look at me.

Don't you remember what being a teen was like?

Just don't add to the drama. I'd have simply said, "suit yourself." My son would've then taken the money and gotten in line, or not. That'd have been it. What's with the hand washing the floors after though??

--
And since it does sound like he has some serious social issues, I would put my focus on that. All people need an outlet. Someone they can vent to/with without fear of retribution. To commiserate with about how awful their parents are. Or how clique-y the kids at school are. Or how hard the math class is. Or how boring the literature/book they are having to read is. Surely he doesn't open up to you (his parents) like he would to peers. Surely he is not oblivious to his lack of friends? You said before he has a learning disability (is that the right term you used?)... what kind? Is he on the autism spectrum? Has he been tested for that? If he is, it might help explain his lack of social connections and his lack of interest in them. Assuming that you have jumped through those hoops and I'm off base with that, then talk to the guidance office at his school. He's going into 9th grade, right? Freshman year can be really difficult. Even for kids without other issues of any kind. Can you check into clubs that he might have an interest in? Our schools (including middle school) offer Robotics clubs. Would he be interested in that? He doesn't have to have an interest in the kids involved, just the actual subject... the friendships that are forged during meeting/work times are the side benefit, but one that might really help. He doesn't have to go into it with that in mind... just doing robotics is enough. Or some other club that might hit him in an area he has an interest? Computer programming/gaming? The things some schools offer today is amazing.
Or check your local gaming store to see if they have nights where kids come in and meet up to play on site. Maybe something like that is something he could get into.

Because their hormones are going completely wacky.

Also, because they are old enough to take care of themselves but not mature enough to always make good decisions so adults are always giving them restrictions which makes things very frustrating for them.

Also, they are at an age where no matter how smart they are or good at things or attractive or whatever, they generally do not feel confident and fear they don't measure up.
They are just at an age where they often feel inadequate. They have a lot of things going on in their head, and it all sometimes comes out in very strange ways and at completely odd times that have nothing to do with why they are upset.

Don't you remember being a teen? This has nothing to do with the croissant or waiting in line. It's h*** o* the parent, but really this time is much harder on him. Just keep loving him.

In that question about all his studying and structure over the summer you talked about him not having friends or wanting to interact with people. Sounds like he has a bit of social anxiety and didn't want to go up and order at that moment in time because of the social aspect. Plus it's hot out, he was hungry and maybe tired and hormonal.

If I were you, I would work waaaaaay more on the social stuff and lay off the academics this summer. Find him some friends at his school because high school can be brutal if you don't have some good buddies.

Also, work on some independence. Great for his confidence! Let him stay home in the morning and sleep and then let him walk there alone and order a snack for himself.

Hormones.

I have one who has been like this for a couple of years now. One is much more easy going and not as prone, but the other one can be just hateful.

I cannot stand attitude. I would have been rescinding my offer. That's just me though.

This same one will walk away and make groaning noises to show his displeasure (has to get the last word).

When camp came, I was quite ready for it :)

Is this new for him? My kids have ordered all of their own stuff for years...since they could talk. I didn't want them being nervous to call and order a pizza, like I was before I met my husband. Did you not ask him if he wanted something? Did he not tell you before? Also - maybe he just wanted a break. You're the one with a super structured schedule, right?

Aside from that, he's a person. Teens have more hormonal issues than most, but still - he's human and had a bad morning. Try to give him a break and not be so tough on him. Some down time might help him be more calm.

One word - hormones.

If you were still standing in line and hadn't yet placed your order, it would have been simple to add the request into your usual order.
If you had already ordered, then yeah, son can take his turn standing in line and place his order.
As for the explosion - why does anyone explode?
Low blood sugar? Hormones? Got up on the wrong side of the bed? Just generally in a bad mood? Didn't sleep well last night?
I've been known to explode every so often myself - it's not a big deal.
I get over myself in a hurry.
Life is just full of little speed bumps.
It's great he wants to burn up all this excess energy doing something constructive.
Maybe in a calm moment later on you can ask him what was going on this morning that you weren't aware of.

That might cause a meltdown with my 13 year old child too, because she has anxiety about talking to people. Just a thought. I still would have done the same as you, if she didn't want to get it herself, she didn't get the treat. I also would discuss it with him when he's calm and talk about frustrations. Not a lecture, but more of a statement of "I am sorry you were so frustrated at Starbucks today". Then see what comes of it. Empathy goes a long way with teens.

Hormones.

Choose your battles, but calm consequences work wonders. They grow out of it eventually, and your rational child returns.

ETA: Reread Elena's and Mamazita's response. Evidently they have followed your posts more closely than I. If you are too restrictive, you need to begin to loosen the reins when your child is a teen. Teens are trying to find their own way, and you need to show them you trust them to make good choices. Don't micromanage him to death.

Partly because their brain isn't developed until they're at least 22 (I think that's the age I read this about), and partly because they want to be in control, but know that they can't really be in control. It pisses them off and they blow at the people that they can afford to blow at - mom and dad.

It's hard - I know. I would say that if he hadn't volunteered to wash the floor and vacuum, that you should refuse to take him somewhere that he wanted to go later, or take away his privilege to go, but he made up for his bad behavior.

If you don't take him to task when he does stuff like this, he will do this as a matter of course rather than just when he blows. You stand strong, mama. It's the best way.

Hormones, it can make it difficult to control their emotions. Just like when a women is pregnant she often cries more often, its the hormones.

Hi BP,

In one word................HORMONES! there are so many other factors that have been really well articulated below but the bottom line is this...his body is changing more rapidly and intensely than it has since he was a toddler. This doesn't give him an excuse to behave badly but it does help to frame what he's going through.

There are weeks when mine will be fine with 6 hours of sleep and then the next he's sleeping almost 14 hours a night. Expect the, to use your word, explosions but know that you're still the parent and it's still your job to kindly and empathetically manage and guide him through these storms that he's experiencing.

I remember 14....I wouldn't go through it again for all the tea in china.

best to you and yours. S.

Words of wisdom here,
Teenagers are hormonal and cranky, that's true, and they will sometimes snap and be snippy so give the kid a break.
Does your husband make you scrub the floor when you have PMS and give him attitude???
It sounds like your son spends way too much time with you. Aren't you concerned that he doesn't have any friends? That doesn't seem healthy. My girls weren't really into organized activities either, except for their weekly dance class, but they still had friends from school, went to the mall, the movies, played wii, hung out at home watching TV and at the pool, etc.