Pre-teen Crisis!!! HELP PLEASE...

Twelve can be a very difficult age. They are caught between wanting to be grown up and sometimes still wanting to be a little child. I have raised a daughter, and I remember how hard the early teens were. I would say try to spend some time with just her. Let her know how much you love her, and that you don't expect perfection, just that she tries her best when it comes to school. Sometimes just spending time with them will get them to open up about things at school. Try not to ask too many questions, just let her talk. You also have to set some rules about when homework gets done and how much tv she can watch if its not done. I raised my daughter alone for quite awhile too, and I know what you mean by trying to more to be her friend. Sometimes it can backfire on you! Good luck!

Wow, lots of responses but I feel the need to speak to you as well. I was a teen mother, I now have 7 children (some adopted), 3 in college. We have had our ups and downs but I do have experience with teens who lose their minds. It is normal and by the time they are 22 they will get it back.

I agree, she doesn't need a friend, something is going on with her maybe it is the her boyfriend, someone you are dating, her friends, her father, school, best time I found to talk is in the car. Take her out to dinner, lunch, Barnes and Noble. Talk to her about the way she talks to you. Explain to her that you will not tolerate it. If she speaks to you just ignore her until she is civil. She has to learn the rules. Somehow I dont think this is something that just happen overnight so it won't be fixed overnight.

Be patient and know something/someone is bothering her, take your time and talk to her.

HELLO Preeteen MOM here,

My son is 12 aswell,

SOME thing here, he was a good student, and now FAILING

Basically you need to email the teachers, regularly to the point of annoyance, Once a week works for me,

My son received second honors in the first marking period this year, and BARELY passed his second marking period

He missed a total of 22 homeworks, 12 of which were in one class.

When I asked the teacher WHY she didn't call, she said I told Christian to tell you.

( In my opinion that makes no sense,seeing how he was NOT being responsible about the homework , what would make you think he would SUDDENLY become responsible about telling me)

So basically the teachers need to remind him everyday to bring his homework home,
and in the subjects he is failing, I have him being tutored

I police his homework now

And CHECK it , I don't just glance at it, I read it, to see if its well done of Half Done.

Its working

Things to remember, in Junior high, the social aspect and puberty are BIG roll players, NO phone calls in or out
No cell phone, no video games and NO computer,

Tv is allowed, but minimally after the homework is completed

No extra curricular activities and no friends until they get on point.

I know its hard with the little one,

But remember the bigs ones NEED our attention,
So what i have also started doing was more FAMILY things

I am a Bahai and they had an Event for junior youth,
So we drove to Eliot Maine to the Greenacre Bahai School

Where he was exposed to KIDS and adults who were a positive infulence, while still having fun, While there he volunteered to help clean up the kitchen, and so did his friends

Now he is excited to go there for Camp in June

And also we are Joining the YMCA, and will do family swimming

-- BE RIGHT BACK

Hi E.,
Your request is very touching and honest. I am a mother of three, 0, 4 and 6. And also taught the upper grades for 8 years. (and have a degree in child psychology). I have witnessed first hand the diffuclty girls face as they begin their pre-teen years. Many factors can play a role in your daughter's behavior.
1 - first things first; if I may suggest, sit and talk to her and find out what is going on in her life. Not as a friend, but as a concerned mother. Mention; friends, home, her sibling, yourself, boyfriend, teachers, activity after school, and anything else she may be involved in. If you cannot communicate with her openly, write her a letter or email her. Most important is the line of communication.
2 - find out from her teachers what she is struggling with. She may need some additional outside help such as a tutor or tutor club. Write everything down. Every time you speak with school, date it and write a note about the discussion. THis will help keep a running record of everyones concerns and you can use that same list as a communication log between you and your daughter.
3 - hard question: girls at this age tend to pay special attention to their image, any changes in eating habits, sleeping, isolation, socialization, friends, long periods in the bathroom etc. Write down your observations so you are clear about your concerns when you speak with her.
4 - Can you give her responsibilities that would make her feel useful and important within the household, and if so, create a reward chart or goal chart with realistic "surprises".
I can go on, but maybe what I have suggested will be a helpful srpingboard. Good luck and if you need more information, just email me back.

I have been experiencing the same thing with my 7th grade boy. In talking with other middle school moms, I have discovered it is a pretty common condition tied into their growth spurt . My son seemed to have gotten a deep voice, grown to be 3" taller than me, gotten hair on legs and underarms overnight. I can't tell you the number of moms who have been experiencing the same thing with their 6th and 7th graders. For some reason, they think that they can outsmart their teachers and parents and get away with little white lies about grades and school work. I don't remember going through this when I was this age. I always was aware of the consequences of poor grades and poor effort. I was assured that it does pass when the growth spurt is in slower motion so I'm hoping my son is over it by the time 8th grade comes so he can be the student I know he can be. In the meantime, I stay in touch with his teachers by email and phone, check his binder and assignment book a few times a week and offer to help where I can. It takes all my patience sometimes to work through the attitude but eventually he wears himself out with it too and then approaches me with a big hug, kiss and a thank you. For him, his moods are definitely tied to his hunger level so I always make sure he's eaten before he starts schoolwork. I hope it helps to know that others are going through it too!
J. V.

My son is 12 and in 7th grade as well and is having the same problems. He did so well in previous grades, but this year has been a nightmare. He also has been very rude and mouthy lately. I've spoken to a few people and they said it's normal behavior for a pre teen. Unfortunately, I'm finding that 7th grade seems to be when they are allowed their first taste of independence, at least in our school system (Connecticut). We also have an 8 year old daughter, and I think some of his behavior is because of jealousy towards her. We have been having discussions with him about his behavior and it does seem to be working, but I find when he's tired, he still gets mouthy. As for the school work, we've been on him constantly, having him stay after and bringing him into school early for help. One of his teachers was great and allowed him to make up all the quizzes/tests that he had failed. Does she have anything that you can take away from her...an ipod/video games? Or if she goes out with friends, I'd put an end to that until she changes her attitude, the friends can be part of the problem. It's good for a parent to be a friend, but the mom has to come out and deal with her behavior/attitude before it gets worse.

E.:
First and most important: you are your daughter's mother, not her sister nor her friend... She needs continence from you, not friendship. Your are very young and had her when you where still a "child". I would look for professional help...

E.-
I am a mother of two young children, but have worked with youth/teens throughout my professional career. I would first like to say congratualtions, your daughter sounds like a normal pre-teen, that is not to say that she doesn't need a little guidance. You have to remember that at this point in her development she is beiginning to figure out who she is and that is a long, often difficult time for alot young people. I firmly believe that the key to any good parent-child relationship is open, honest communiction. However, the foundations for good communication are laid very early in life. Parents need to talk to their children often and children need to know they can trust you and that no matter what, you will always love them.
When raising our own children we often think back to our realtionships with our parents and find ourselves saying "I won't do it like them". You mentioned that you have always tried to be a friend to your daughter, my advice to you might sound a little harsh, but what she really needs is a mother not a friend. That means setting rules, expectations, boundaries and providing consistant discipline. Remember to spend special one-on-one time with her doing the things she likes to do. Use these opportunities to talk about things that might be going on in her life (trouble with friends, boys, etc.). Also, I don't know if your daughter is involved in any after-school programming or sports. If not, I would look into your local YMCA, Girls Incorporated, Boys and Girls Clubs. These national organizations are proving our young people with great opportunities and support that will help them develop. Good luck!

Hi E.....
Yea, 7th grade is when it started with my daughter too.. its when they really become their own person and become independent, and start making "friends!" And when you really need to be more of a parent than a friend. Kids expect that from us... because we ARE their Parent!! If the grades drop and the phone calls continue from school, I took priviliges away... phone, computer, going out.. If she got a phone call home from a teacher, she lost her fun time... simple! Her job now, is to go to school, and continue the way it was for the 1st six years. I told my daughter, school is just practice for work & good habbits form now. And she is now in 10th grade and back on track- not perfect of course but no more call home and grades have gone back up!! (yea!!) Remember.. what you put in... you will get back out!!
good luck... T. B

well teens man they are a whole different world. i have 3 girls and my oldest started acting out in 7th grade no matter how i tried to help her educational wise and personal she kept saying nothing is wrong. at that time i was trying to move so i knew it had to do with that. is there any changes in your home the last year or so i see you just had a new girl maybe she is jealous? now is the time to kick in high gear to get help for her together with yourself it's not just her problem. get some therapy from school, profesional or your church can mediate. God is love always pray and see what he puts in your heart to do. good luck

As much as you want to you can't be her friend. I am now a single mother but was married up till my daughter was eleven. Either way, her father paid no attention to her and was mean, so I was always using the buddy system with her and overcompensating for the situation by being a great friend.

Well, come Middle School, she started missing a ton of days of school, not doing her homework, talking rudely to adults including me and generally having no respect. I am just now starting to get a handle on it and if that means ripping up the skirt that is too short because I told her not to wear it for a field trip and she wore it anyway, so be it. I just let her sulk. And I keep reminding her what the CONSEQUENCES will be for misbehavior so that she thinks a little more about what she does.

It is tough and it means less time for yourself and more time playing Sheriff, but if it saves a child from becoming a delinquent, it is worth it.

I hope this helps, Annie

I am a high school teacher, and the best advice I can give is to be there for your daughter. Make sure you have a set homework time at home, and get her on a routine. Junior high is a big adjustment, and her problems could be anything from more work to starting to seperate from old friends. If you keep her on a scheduled routine at least that will be consistant and comforting. It won't be easy at first, and she will probably refuse, but be patient and stern about it, and she will come around. What I have learned from teaching for several years is that kids (all kinds) really want structure and guidance. THey don't really need the adults to be their friends, they need them to tell them what to do and help them make decisions. Good luck!

I haven't been through it yet and am already scared. Without all the cliches about society and what not- my years in retail have shown me just how much things really have changed over the last few years. That aside, if her behavior is that drastically different it could be hormones. If my mother had known at 12 that I had a hormone disorder rather than deciding I had bad friends or a psychiatric disorder it would have saved me a lot of pain.

I havent read all the responses, so ignore anything I say that is a repeat. I had the same experience with my daughter around the same time. I too, tried to be her friend more than a parent. This was around the time her father and I got divorced so that adds a different dimension. She tried to get her way living with me and when that didnt work she went to live with her dad. He was more strict than me and that worked even less.

I dont know what would have worked, but his method of taking everything away for bad grades/bad attitude was wrong. Especially because he gave her no defined time or behaviors to earn them back. "Until I feel different" was all he said. So, she knew she had nothing else to lose and continued the behaviors. Eventually he had to take her make up and extra clothes away. It got ridiculous. My advice, dont back yourself into a corner like that. Have firm but fair rules and consequences that she understands the ins and outs of. If she seems to have no response to that, I suggest a family therapist. Kids sometimes seem to think that only their parents are unreasonable. When they hear things from another adult that they trust (trust is big here), they should respond better.

Another thought... I am currently studying to be a teacher, and have learned that it is developmently appropriate for kids in the middle school years to be more concerned with social life and peers than school and learning. In the field of education and psychology we all know it as a developmental stage. Of course individual kids manifest this in varying degrees. Hopefully knowing this will help you know you are not alone and this too will pass.

First of all, your daughter sounds normal. She's trying to find out who she is -- it's that in between being a child and an adult. My suggestion is to spend time with her. Take her to the movies and just "be" with her. Give her more responsibility such as a longer curfew -- BUT.... she HAS to earn it! The more you push her, the more she's going to try to push back. I'm not saying to give her rewards for being bad.... I'm saying that you feel she deserves more things, but she has to stop doing certain things to get them. It's a really scarry time for her with all the changes and your new boyfriend and such. Not only is she battling her hormones, but she's battling you too. Making her feel that she's still special to you no matter what is important. Yes, there's a fine line on how to handle this since you don't want to reward the bad behavior -- but listening and making her know you are still there is also important. She really needs her Mom right now weather she wants to admit it or not.

J. B.

You have described the Symptoms of the problems of your pre-teen, try to find the problem. Something is bothering her. Is it she is trying to fit in or impress someone. Where is her attention diverted. Is she screaming (internally) for your attention.
Take some time with her exclusively, without your 2 year old. Maybe she is missing your time after the little one came into your lives.

Introspect and find the problem she is facing.

E., I am coming from the other end. Recently my husband I took full custody of my step daughter. SHe lived in PA with her Mother and her husband. The Mother and my step daughter were "friends" also and that too back fired with their relationship. My Step Daughter is 12 and in the 6th grade know here in NJ. Her mother and her were fighting alot and her grades were also terrible. My relationship with my step daughter is a bit different because she cares about what I think of her. She really didn't care if her Mother was upset with her or wasn't talking to her because of a fight. She wants love and attention from a Mother, not a friend. I am not sure why she wants the approval from me and not her actual mother but she does. So I think what one person had wrote, that she needs a Mother and not a friend might be something you want to think about. It will be hard to change things so far along in her life but it can't hurt to try. Also getting a professional involved can't hurt either.

Not sure this helps but when I read your story I completely understood and had to let you know that you are not out there alone.

Hi E., I also have a 12 year old daughter in 7th grade. It can be a challenging age - for them and for us!

I have to say that I don't think parents do their kids a favor by trying to be their friends. They have their own friends. Your daughter needs you to be her parent - if you are being her friend, then who is parenting her?

If this decline in grades and in attitude is a new thing, then I suggest sitting down with her and letting her know exactly what you expect from her. Set expectations and consequences. Let her know what the priorities are and let her know why her performance in school is important. I've had those discussions with my daughter and she totally gets it. Tie it into her goals. Privileges come with responsibility. If I felt that my daughter was slacking in school, her socializing, extra curricular activities, and electronics time would be reduced. No attitude or disrespect tolerated; the consequence would be going to bed immediately for the remainder of the day. It sounds like it is time for toughlove - but you will need to be very, very consistent.

Good luck and I hope that things get better soon.

You can't be more her friend at this age. It has bitten every mom I know. Create consequences and stick to them.

BTW, why are you hiding that she has a boyfriend from her dad?? How would you feel if you found out he was hiding important information about your daughter from you? You are enabling her and instead of worrying about her getting pregnant at 15, you may have to worry about her getting pregnant at 12 or 13! My best friend is a nurse practitioner and has had patients as young as 11. Don't let her fool you. Even if they may not be doing anything now, it doesn't mean tomorrow won't be a different day and she may expect you to be ok with it if she gets pregnant because you are her friend and have been there yourself. If you want to protect her from following your footsteps, change things now and stop worrying about being her friend.