Jealousy Issues with Twins

I think what you are doing is best... help her find her own talent. My twin cousins had the same issues... their parents pretty much tried to keep them a "matching set" instead of letting them develop their own personalities, but while one was naturally inclined to sports/physical activities, the other excelled at academics. The parents pushed academics sooo hard that the sporty sister wound up severely depressed about not being able to "keep up", while the academic sister held herself back so she wouldn't set the bar too high. They were finally able to convince their parents to let them do their own thing when they got into high school, and the sporty sister was able to play basketball, volleyball, and soccer. She wound up getting a full-ride scholarship to play soccer in college. The academic sister was able to go full-out without worrying about making her sister look bad, and was accepted into Cornell University in New York. :D

I've never been threw that,

But I would like to say I think your idea of putting your other daughter into different programs is a good idea.
Every sibling is going to be different, twins or not.
Your other daughter needs to find out what she REALLY loves to do and what she excels at.

Your description of each of your girls might be contributing. If your dancing daughter were to read that, would she feel that your love is equal? If your gymnastics girl were to read it, would she feel your love is equal?

I also like the idea of putting them into different activities to find each one's unique gift.

I'm an identical twin. We were fierce competitors through our mid twenties. We liked the same things, had the same friends, and same hobbies. I was always the one who was 'better' at things. I was the leader. So for me it wasn't as difficult. Although another thing we had in common was the same taste in men. And oftentimes she 'got the guy'. Just wait until that stage starts!

All in all, we're the best of friends now. We live near each other and are raising our kids together. Our kids are more like siblings than cousins....unfortunately, now they are extremely competitive with each other! We still have huge arguments that probably stem from being competititive with each other. But now they only occur a few times a year.

Sounds like my two girls - two years apart but people think they are twins due to size. My younger daughter has the same attitude you describe and my hubby and I worry that she will carry it through her life. Sometimes I feel like I overcompensate worrying that she feels badly but other times I just let it go and tell her that life is not fair. I tell all my kids that. I think we do a disservice to them if we try to make everything 'equal' and 'fair' because life is not that way and they shouldn't expect it to be. One thing I have learned with my kids is that things do change as they develop and just try to keep in mind that they all have different talents and abilities and interest and that the tables turn from one year to the next. Reminding them of the things you love most about them is the best you can do - finding her unique skills and different classes is an excellent idea (though harder on mom's schedule so I commend you for that!) Hang in there, its one of many challenges we get to face with daughters *sigh* but you sound like you have the right attitude so I bet they will both grow up feeling loved and special and do just fine!

Its hard for twins because unlike other siblings, you can't just say "your sister is older" or "she's had years more practice". No matter how well the one tries, she sees her sister getting more attention and excelling easier. The best way to handle this is to stop grouping them as "the twins" and treat them more like sisters. The goal is to help her realize that the isn't the lesser, untalented half...but that she is a full complete human being separate from her sister. You are on the right track with signing her up for dance instead of gymnastics class. Try to encourage separate skills and interests so they can each be the best at something. Once school starts, you might also consider putting them in different classes otherwise, every assignment, project, and test will be compared between the two of them, and every friend will be shared and competed for.

This is also a situation that social stories are really good. You can write stories on different kids with different talents. I would think there might be some books availible for this too. It can be time comsuming to make a social story, but if you write a little story on the talents of each girl and how much you love what they can do, that might help. You said you want to seek other talents for the other girl and I think that is great! Sometimes it is hard to recognize different talents that one might posses. Even talking to people can be a talent!! Try and think of things that we might not normally think of a talent. Being able to be positive, being friendly are talents too. Also what might help is validating the one twins feelings about feeling like she might not be as good. When we validate someones feelings, we can often find the window we need to help them with their feelings. Try and relate to her and see if you can remember a time someone had a talent that you really wish you had, but you found out you had this other talent. Personal expirences are helpful too. My brother has MANY talents! He can bake wedding cakes, cater wonderful food, he plays the flute, he sings well.. the list goes on. He is on the dean's list...So on and so forth.. Well, I am not booksmart, however, I am super friendly and outgoing. I have the ability to help people in ways that we might not think about being a talent! I tell you this in hopes to help you :) It can be tough, but I know that both your little girls are super talented and that you are an amazing mom!!!

So far the answers seem to deal with competition... which can actually be healthy. With my two kids (not twins), they compete to see who finishes cleaning his/her room first. They will probably compete with regard to grades, too, once they are older.

There is a difference between competition and envy, though, and I experienced both with my own siblings. My older sister and I were competitive, on academic grounds. We both pushed each other to excel, and yet, at the end of the day, both of us had great grades and felt extremely proud of the other (no envy).

My younger sister, however, was bitten very young by the envy bug, and instead of working on grades, she would rant against our being teachers' pets, etc. When I began dating, she slammed the door in my date's face. The only time she was okay was when she thought she had everything I had.

The difference? Competition was actually energizing--my older sister and I still have some similar interests--writing, etc.--yet we still constantly communicate encouragement to the other. My younger sister, sad to say, no longer communicates with me. She is still bitter, and she has never really gotten over all of this.

Do all you can to help your daughters realize that one sibling's success is not the other's failure. We are not made greater by the disappointment of others. I am so glad you are seeking another outlet for your daughter. Just be sure that she does not find another person to envy (another girl in class, perhaps), for that one feeling can turn any experience into an unhappy one for her. Praising her for what she does is so important, but even more, she needs to learn to see the good in what she does on her own, to internalize it, so that she is happy with who she is.

Sorry for the long answer! Good luck!

Twins and Irish Twins have terrible jealousy issues because they are forever in competition. I'd give the not so athletic sister music lessons and not offer them to the athletically gifted one. Yes your idea to put them in separate classes is a good one.
Do you have a mother of twins group near you? Those mothers can be very helpful when you need some insight into twins personality differences and emotional expression.

I think you're right having them do different activities, it'll give them independence and like you said she will have time to explore her own gifts and she will spend more time trying to excell at what she does instead of looking into what her sister does. If you dont compare, she doesnt need to, make that clear (Im a twin, and we were not encouraged to compare one to the other, and my mom and dad never ever compared us) I think you are doing great, dont worry, you'll see it'll all work out. Good Luck =)

This can happen with kids even though they aren't twins. Jealousy and competition are just things that parents and siblings have to work through.
Even though your are twins, it might be hard for them to understand that every single thing about them is not exactly the same, nor should it be.
They are individuals.
If one daughter isn't so athletic, get her into a creative writing class or let her use a camera and get her interested in photography. Maybe she's an artist (and they can tend to be emotional), but that can be where she shines.
The main thing is for each sister to encourage the other and not be jealous because one is good at something that the other isn't.
I was an excellent student and my sister was a goof off. She got her feelings hurt everytime I got straight A's. She didn't care about grades until I was noticed for doing a great job or got awards at school and then she acted like she was somehow being short-changed. Should I have slacked off to make her feel better? No.
We should never feel like we have to hold back because it might upset someone else if we do really well at something and we shouldn't make a person feel bad for having a talent we so wish that we could possess but don't. When I was in the 5th and 6th grade, my best friend was a pageant queen. They weren't like these days with all the make-up and talent coaches and everything, but she was never in a pageant that she didn't win. She was beautiful. I loved getting to go and watch her. Sure, there were times I thought it would be so wonderful to be on stage and win a crown, BUT......I also knew I would be a nervous wreck with all those people looking at me and you couldn't have paid me enough to get up there. How could I be jealous? She was a good friend and she wished that she was more funny and silly and got better grades like me.
We all have things we're good at.
Your girls are young and it sounds like you're doing the right things as far as trying to get them to be aware of what makes them special in their own ways. You can find things for your younger daughter to excel at and she will realize that she has her own special place in the world.
God made her special, like no one else.
That's a beautiful thing.

Best wishes!

IMO you're on the right track with the different activities - still working on this with my 8YO twin girls (complicated by the fact that one is very outgoing/social and her sister is mildly Asperger's/High functioning autistic), and am encouraged by another mom in my multiples club who has been going through this with her now-12YO boys: she said that the year the more athletic one made the baseball team and his brother didn't turned out well in the end b/c they signed the brother who didn't make the team up for electric guitar lessons, which he did well at and his newfound confidence spilled over to other areas of his life that he had previously been lamenting as being 'not as good' as his brother's.

I do not have this problem. The good thing about having one of each gender. I think If I had 2 girls, I might have this problem with my daughter as she tends to be emotional and h*** o* herself.
I think you are doing the right thing by having them try different activities. If it turns out the one twin wants to go back to gymnastics after trying something else, she can make that decision knowing her sister will be doing it too.
I would also consider putting them in different classes in school. I am a teacher and have had several sets of twins. Most parents request their children to be in different classes and the request is always honored. Most of them say they tried kindergarten in the same classroom and ended up with one child who allowed the other to make all the friends and was overly reliant on their sibling. They also had a hard time because if something interesting happened that day, the more dominant child would get the story out first every time and the other child would be upset. If they are in separate classes, they have their own stories and events to share and have to create their own relationships with peers and teachers. It also forces other not to compare to strongly in school. Good luck. This is so hard. Just remember many 5 year old girls are very emotional and cry a lot. She may grow out of it too if you just keep working on it!