In Tears and Looking for Support and Encouragement

I don't have a lot of time to post this morning, but wanted to send along a big hug to you. I'm going through the same thing. Trust me that this "show" your X is putting on is just that...a show. He'll quickly lose interest OR he'll have a turn-around of heart once you are both past this initial part.

For the hard part - GET A BETTER LAWYER. I can't imagine a conversation about not paying child support as a tradeoff for furniture. That is a ridiculous. Any lawyer worth their salt would have stopped that conversation before it even started. If you don't have the strength to be a tiger (trust me, I get that!), then you need a lawyer who will be one for you!! Don't worry about leaning on your parents. You need them right now. Take help from whomever will give it. You think you are a burden, but most people and most family WANT to help.

Hang in there. I'll try to post back later but just know that you can do this and your daughter will be just fine. (((HUGS)))

Get a lawyer, get a lawyer, get a lawyer.
Oh, and get a lawyer!!

My heart is aching for you. I have watched both of my sisters go through what you are going through. They didn't want to fight. And now they both wish they had gotten a lawyer and fought hard. You'll regret it later if you don't.
Don't sign anything yet. And...Please get a lawyer! Do it for your daughter if not for yourself.
I pray you will find peace in all of this.

Hi A.,
I am so sorry for what has happened and you are right that little girl should give you every reason to want to live and show her the way through life when her dad doesn't want to take responsibility. It's great that you have supportive parent's, live with them until you get a job and can support yourself and your daughter and then get an appartment or rent somewhere you be strong and you show that ungrateful man that you don't need him you can do this own your own. I know it will be hard at first but if you pray and believe in yourself you can and will get through this.

Hi A.,

I'm almost through with my divorce, still need my ex’s signature on the final agreement. You had many good advices and supports. The one I am giving you here might sound a little crazy to you at this moment. However, it has helped me greatly walking through my divorce. Here it is.

Pray to the Lord that you choose to forgive your "soon to be ex-husband". I know it is very difficult for you to forgive him right now. That's why you need to ask the Lord to help you with it. Then ask God to heal you from all physical, emotional and spiritual damage your ex has caused you. You can't optimize your strength when you are hurting, and you need all the strength you have.

God is faithful. Hang on to Him and you will make it. Best of luck to you!

I read your posting and tears came to my eyes. Your story, unfortunately, is all too familiar to millions of women, including myself.
I wish I could tell you that this is only temporary but my experience is that if he's showing so little interest in your daughter now, then unless something dramatically changes in your ex, your daughter will feel this same disappointment in him as she gets older and begins to understand her situation. He will fight you about child support and visitation and etc. not because he cares so much, but because he wants to be difficult and he wants to punish you and because somehow, he's managed to convince himself that he's the victim and he's been wronged.
I've seen this happen so many times that I am no longer shocked or appalled by it.
The best thing you can do is work through your grief and pain and when you get to the anger, you will be ok. Right now you're devastated and scared and hurt and disappointed and the list goes on and on but when all that goes by the way side and when the anger kicks in, you'll find a strength and burning in your gut that will empower you as a woman and as a mother and when this happens you will impress even yourself with your innovative thinking and resourcefulness.
I had to move in with my parents when I went through my divorce too. I first moved in with my sister and her daughter and when they moved away it was just me and my son. Then my apartment caught fire and I lost everything. My son had the spare bedroom at my parents house and I slept on their couch. It was one of the lowest times of my life.
My ex fought me over visitation, over child support, over daycare. I mean you name it, he had a problem with it. It all just came down to money. He didn't want to pay child support and so he was willing to spend twice as much on a lawyer to fight me over it all rather then take responsibility for his son and help support him.
He fought me for visistation but then would cancel his visits or call me and have me pick him up early. Eventually he just quit seeing him all together. He would use our son as his way to continue controlling me and my life.
I know how scared you are and I know how emotionally trying this time is for you but I promise you that when you are able to work through this initial stage the anger will set in for all that he's done and all that he hasn't done and when this happens you will be empowered by it. You will begin to think more clearly and you will become your childs protector and advocate and you will not allow yourself to be a victim any longer.
Also, there is no shame in needing help. There is no shame in looking to your family for financial assistance and emotional support. They are your family and they want to help you. Don't let your pride get in the way of providing for your child.
You are going to find a job and you are going to be able to get your independence back and you will find your way. You and your daughter will be a team and together you two will find your way through all of this and when the sun begins shining on your heart again and you are able to find some happiness, remember this time and what you've been through because that sunshine will never be more bright then it is when you remind yourself of the darkness you just came out of.
You are a woman but more importantly, you are a mother and your child needs you and she needs you to stand up and fight for yourself and for her.
I truly am so sorry for what you're going through but as a woman who has been in your shoes and has found that happiness again, I can only promise you that what you're going through now will not last forever. What you're feeling will not last forever. It will only last as long as you allow it to so if I were you I would dig deep and find that anger and burning inside and begin putting your life back together.
One day, you will be thankful that this happened. You will have a rich, fullfilling life, and you will then see why you went through all of this, you will understand that God had bigger and better plans for you and your daughter and your lives and although this seems so unfair right now and although you may feel as if you're being punished for something or even forgotten by God, I promise you that it will all make sense one day and you will be thankful to have gone through it all.

If you ever want to get together for coffee or talk on the phone then feel free to message me privately.

Take Care,

try to remember it`s only temp. i`ve had to deal w/ the same kind of thing & he stopped wanting to have the responsability
of having her over night very quickly. let him have the furn for now, get a 2nd hand crib for now. or better yet do what I did, I got a play pen, got some 2 in. thick foam from an upulstery place put that in the bottom & then a twin size sheet tucked in all around. & it may be a burdan for ur folks to have u there now but they would want to know that u are safe, warm & fed just like when ur daughter grows up

Girl, PRAY. Don't stop praying. I am so sorry that you are going through so much. Stay strong, and continue to persevere, because you are entitled; ENTITLED to all that you need, and all that you are fighting for.

You need a meaner lawyer to fight this for you. Many judges would be disgusted at a father who attempts to cut support in exchange for furniture. The judge needs to know that. Document EVERYTHING. Phone calls, missed visits, everything.

BTW, a friend of mine who was a SAHM had a great lawyer, and her husband wound up having to pay for her to stay home to raise the children until the youngest was 3 since he had supported her being a SAHM and the judge said that WAS her job. You don't necessarily have to find a job right off if you have a good enough lawyer.

But at any rate, don't try to handle all this yourself, and don't let him use your child as a weapon.

Fight for your daughter. Don't accept is terms. no judge would deny you her furniture. Get her full child support. You will need it. I know it's hard to let her go with him, but you have to. I will be praying for you and your daughter.
God Bless,
D.

Hi A.,
It sounds like you are going through an extremely tough time right now, and while I can't relate to divorce, I can tell from your message that you are a really great mom - as long as you continue to care about your daughter's welfare and give her all the love and support she needs through this difficult time, things will work out somehow. Just take it one day at a time. Thank goodness your parents are around.

If you are working with a lawyer, can they recommend any sort of public assistance that will see you through this patch? Be it assistance with childcare, health insurance, employment, etc.?

I'm not sure where Hiram is, and thus how far you are willing to commute for a job, but I would be happy to pass along a resume to all the business folks I know.

Good luck!
J.

I am so sorry, I will keep you in prayers.

Hi A.,

Here is a BIG HUG from me to you.

I am 27, married and the step mom of three. I have not gone through what you are, but just hearing you and hearing your tears, I hurt for you.
As you stated that your princess gives you reason to live, PLEASE PLEASE do so, for her and for you. Do not give him the satisfaction of taking your heart and soul away in this. I don't know the reason for the divorce, but whatever it is, you should not let yourself be cheated. If you do not have a lawyer, please call legal aid. You can at least get some free advice from a professional.

Keep your head up. Be grateful for your parents and let them take care of you right now and give you strength. If they know legal people, ask questions. If you do not feel comfortable about your ex- husband taking care of your daughter, make those statements known. You deserve what is due you and your daughter. If you were a SAHM, then you should be compensated for that. If that is a decision that you guys made when you had your daughter, then you need income to make sure that she still has what she needs to survive and live and so do you so that you can take care of your daughter. Think about those things and talk to someone in detail about it. Come to the next hearing with a plan. It seems that he did and have proof of all that you do to take care of your daughter comfortably. Don't be greedy, but this is how you need to get through this. Do not take a back seat and let someone that does not love you dictate your life.

I hope that helps. I will definitely lift you up in prayer. Please do the same and cry out to God about your needs, wants and desires. The Heavenly Father knows what you need before you ask!! If you have a BIble or can get to one, Read Matthew 6:25-32, Ephesians 3:16-21. These scriptures will give you strength.

Much Love,

D.

Dearest A.: Please don't give up your fight for yourself or your daughter. You have got to dig in and reach down deep into your core and bring out the tiger in you. Now that you have cried and released that pressure, it is time to gear up, get your boxing gloves on, put on your head gear, and mouth gear. You can't give up. That is what he wants you to do.

You have sacrificed your income to stay at home with your daughter and to provide a home for your husband. You need to get a lawyer if you don't already. If your lawyer is letting him get away with using child support as a trade for baby furniture GET A NEW ONE!!!! That is rediculous! No matter the cost you need to get a good lawyer. Maybe your parents can help you pay for one. One day when you are on your feet you can repay them. In some states the husband has to pay the lawyer fees. But that may come at the end of the divorce. As a SAHM you are entitled to sposal support AND child support, half of the equity in the house, plus part of his retirement, to say the least. It is not up to him to give you what he wants YOU to have. It seems to me, if left up to him, you would walk away with just the child on your hip!

I am glad you are with your parents because you are going to need them emotionally as well.

This will be over some day, you need to make sure that at the end, you can live with the outcome.

A., my heart goes out to you and SAHM like you. I wish there were an organization for SAHM to help them with legal assistance. One that can provide them with a laywer or money for a lawyer when they find themselves in your situation. That is a challenge I am putting out there for you SAHM's. See if you all can find some female lawyers that are willing to donate their time and effort to one case a year, try to raise money to provide grants or loans based on need. Those were just a few ideas I just threw out there, you all may come up with something better. All I know is that SAHM's are used to making can out of can't. So get creative.

No one ever thinks they will need the service, but as we have read with A., it happens. SAHM give up a lot of finacial independence to be with their families 24 hours a day. I can see where a husband can use that against her when he is ready to move on.

Well, I had no intention of getting on a soap box, so forgive me. I was in tears after reading A.'s post.

A., I'm wishing you all the strength you need to get through this. You can do it, you have no choice, fight for you and you daughter.....

You should feel loved and supported and encouraged by all the posts you generated. You have received some very good advice so this will be one of my shorter posts. I’ve been there.
I reiterate! Get a good lawyer and remember your husband is required to pay for it as you are a SAHM. Take it from all of us that didn’t want to be mean.
Don’t sign anything until it’s right and more than fair!
You are entitled by your support and services to your husband at least one-half of everything the marriage has produced and you get choices!
If you have evidence, documentation, witnesses, etc. that know your husband has never lifted a finger to care for your daughter, you can request that he be granted only “supervised” visitation (like only with his Mom or someone YOU trust). How does anyone prove he CAN care for her? You might not get it, but it’ll be in the record for the future – believe me; you’ll be glad it’s there.
Ask for God’s forgiveness of all the things you did, might have done, thought about doing in the marriage that you are guilty of. We all do them. We are imperfect creatures. Do not let bitterness take root. God takes care of the “widow” – read that divorcee – and His children. He is a Father to the fatherless.
Pray, get or stay in a good church and ask for pastoral counseling. Read James 1, 1 Timothy 5, Psalms 68 & 146.
Let your parents help any way they can! Do not be a burden. Do what you can. You will reward them by making good choices, rearing your daughter in the admonition of God’s ways and honoring them in their old age. Tears are okay but not productive. Get up, brush off, and start moving one day at a time.
Keep posting. Take advice judged only by Scripture. Don’t let negative people get in your way.

Well first thing child services may help you go back to school and help provide a baby sitter for your child.I would fight tooth and nail till i couldnt fight anymore for my child rights.I would call my lawyer first thing this moring and tell him he wouldnt take her last night and why he wouldnt.Its wonderfull you have your mom and dad and dont feel bad they are helping you because that is what parents do for there children.I do hope you have a lawyer and if you dont you can get legal aid to help since you have no income.Dont just let his lawyer tell you what to do.Since he let you be a stay at home mom he should have to pay you alimoly and child support and i would get both.Dont care if he likes it or not thats his problem not yours and since he bought that furniture for his child how can they stop the child from getting it.Sounds like you are being railroaded get hold of you lawyer and DEmand what you want.Stay strong and think of your child.God will bless you and take care of you and with the great parents you have standing with you you will make it.Keep that in mind I WILL MAKE IT.hugss M.

OMG, I thought I was reading my life. I going thur hell right now. My husband just filed for DIVORCE. We haven't been married even a year yet. I have a 5mo old daughter, that he took from me. He got a court order by saying he was afraid I would hurt her and myself because I so depressed. I again I find myself crying alot, before and even more now that i can't see her. But I WOULD NEVER, hurt her or anyone. I beleive it's not really him making these statements, but his mother, she has hated me from the day she first saw me. All she has ever wanted is to take my child, and now she has.
The week after we got married, he moved me to a new state and in with his parents, & away from all my family and freinds. Now he has left me, closed our banking acct./shut my phone off/took our vechile/took all my babies things from our new apartment/ even our photo/ her babies photo's. But he left me with $2.00 so I guess that all he felt I was worth. I Had to also turn to my parents out of state for help. Thank God they were willing to help my obtain an attorney to to fight him for my rights to have my beautiful baby girl back. Like you, I did it all, breast feed her, changed her , bathed her, got up with her in the middle of the nites & early in the mornings. All awhile he laid around, said she was to little for him to help. Now they started her on a bottle, ( my boobs don't understand) they hurt so bad. How is this right. I took her to all her doctors appt. She health, happy, such a great baby. What am I supposed to do with out her. I been 7 days sence i've seen her, kissed her sweet face, or feed her. How does this happeened. My mother tryed to warn me about moving and leaving all my family. Now I set in a empty apt., I know no one. I can't go anywhere, talk to anyone, I'm scared to seek out someone hear to talk with, for fear he will somehow use it against me. I do at least have, I believe, (Thanks only to my parents) have a good attonery. He say the courts were wrong and promises to get my little girl back. He said the my husband and his mother is minipuilting the courts. He asst. said i am going thur postpardium. And that I be just fine. But I don't see that happening, I lost my husband, he hate the way i look, my baby is gone, Now what!! Even if my attorney can help me get my baby back, he has took all her things, baby bed, furniture, her toys, and all her clothes. My attorney say he should have to return some of it but will he. I can't leave the state, go be with my family. I must stay here alone if I want her back. I FIGHT TILL I BREATH MY LAST BREATH. I am a great mom, and was a great wife. I'm 21 and must stay strong. I to am looking for work. he was incharge of all our monies. Sorry I could offer you any advise, but your story helps me, knowing i not alone, that others understand what i'm going thur. STAY STRONG, I'LL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS, Thanks for your story.

I want to encourage you to be strong and even though your heart is breaking, know that you deserve to be with someone who loves and adores you and obviously your ex-husband is not the one. Be thankful that you have a beautiful healthy child and focus on the positives, your little angel. You will be fine, pray and ask the Lord to keep you in your right mind. Success is the best revenge, keep your head up and do not be defeated by a loser. You will make it!

A.,

HANG in there. I know it is difficult right now but things will get better. Just remember that this is a season in your life and seasons change! Your ex may very well decide not to take his daughter overnight as he doesn't know what to do but you just say a prayer if he does and ask God to watch over her when you can't. Do you have a church family that you are tied into? If not, that would really help you out. If you would like to visit our church, it is New Life Christian on Prestley Mill Rd. It is very important during this time of your life to have people you can lean on and trust and that will pray for you. I hope this helps!!

K.
http://www.balterbaby.com
http://www.baltercatalogue.com

Oh, A.- I am so sorry you are going through this. I went this a divorce almost two years ago. I am a single mother of two, and my daughter wasn't out of diapers when we were going through our divorce. I felt the same way you did. Emotionally exhausted from fighting, worried about my children being with the father, since I had been essentially raising them alone since their birth and feeling completely helpless, penniless and frustrated. I too was a SAHM when we went through our divorce. My ex cleaned out the checking account and left me with nothing to put food on the table, pay the bills or keep a roof over our children's head. I had to go back to work and it was the most difficult time of my life.

There is a silver lining- I am two years out of it and I have two well-adjusted beautiful children who have seemed to come through all of this drama without too much emotional damage. I just recently got laid off, but I have my own business with Silpada Designs as an independant representative and I am making great money. I can't tell you that the path is easy, and I know it is emotionally draining. You just have to hang tough. It will take a physical and emotional toll on you, but you should continue to fight for your daughter. She deserves to have a parent who takes care of her- don't let your husband take advantage. You have to stand firm and you have to fight for her rights. Once this is over, you will be glad you did- Let me tell you, my daughter was 6 months old when all of mine started, and she is a very happy and loving 4 year old now. You have to fight for her so that she will come out of this unscathed. Remember, you are not alone in this and you have find that inner strength to get you and your beautiful daughter through this. May God bless you and keep you and may you find strength you never knew you had!

Hi A.,

I too am a single mother who went through a lot with my daughters father with visitation, child support, etc. Trust me when I tell you it will work out. You have to fight for what is right. It may take some time but eventually you will get what you are due! Just be strong and most of all be a loving and supportive mother to you lovely daughter. You should be able to find something online, work from home for a while even if its not a lot of money or wait for a bar or restaurant part time until you find something that you really want. I'm sure your parents are more than willing to help. My prayer was for God to provide my daughter and me with what we needed and he did that and some! And yes he will not want to be bothered with her because it will be too much trouble for him, and don't try to make things convenient for him. Don't meet him to pick her up or bring her home. If he gives you a time when he will pick her up and he is not there give him a 30 minute grace period and if he is not there then leave. Most of all be prayerful!! Good luck! Be Blessed!

A.,
I'm sorry to hear of your difficult time right now. There is a support group for women going through a divorce that meets in various parts of town. Go to www.visionsanew.org. As far as I know, everyone involved with this group has been through a divorce. The best part for you right now is that the meetings are FREE! I've known some people that have gone and have found them very helpful.
Good luck to you.
R.

A., Do you have a church family? Do you have a trusted pastor? There are many good, trusting groups where you can go for support. Divorce groups & grief groups are available. You are in grief as you are going through a major change in your life as you know it.
Your ex-husband sounds as though he probably won't be taking the baby too much as he will be very involved in himself. Which is sad for the baby but probably better for her in the long run. You need support, your confidence built back up & very clear boundaries where he is concerned. Please get yourself a therapist (preferably one who is referred by someone you trust). Pray & let God lead you. Don't wait, call today for assistance. God bless you & guide you. Also, there are very good authors, Dr. Cloud & Townsend who are Christian & write easy to read books on boundaries. I'm sure your library has them in stock.

I know it's expensive but I think you need to be speaking to a lawyer. I want YOU to be getting the best -- THAT is in your child's best interest, you know. I wonder if you could find a resource through your church. Seems to me you are entitled to more than just the bare minimum. Even if it's temporary alimony...

Now to how you are feeling: of course you are feeling beat-up emotionally -- you've been beat-up emotionally! Why don't you see a counselor (again, churches are great sources for free/cheap ones -- and depending on where you are, I know of a great one so send me a private message if you're interested.) If it gets bad -- it's not uncommon for people to go on meds for a short term thing to get through something like a divorce, death of a loved-one, or other tough time.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know none of us goes into a marriage expecting this. Just believe that one day you will be looking back on this and thanking God that this is behind you and that you are where you are now. Someday, you will be in a better place because/although you struggled today. HAVE FAITH! (If it makes you feel better, I said a prayer for you.)

A.,

Things will get better, but it takes time. I went through a divorce, although I had no children at the time. Even then, it was still difficult. I don't have advice regarding your situation in finding a job, because I've never been a SAHM and cannot speak to that. However, my husband went through quite a time trying to get any kind of visitation or custody of his daughter (my step-daughter). Although your husband was not involved in much of the caretaking thus far, he will learn it. It is so much more important for your child to have a relationship with her father. Children do need both parents. If he's trying to play games, just take the high road and remember that what goes around, comes around. I truly believe that karma is b****. Plus, one day, your daughter will realize a lot on her own. In the meantime, keep your head up and do what you know is the right thing for your daughter. Allow her the time with her father, don't speak badly of him in front of her and do everything you can on your end to keep the "relationship" with him as civil as possible. Your daughter will appreciate you in the future for that.

Best of luck with everything! I hope the job hunting works out for you soon. I know it's hard out there, but something will work out.

K.

This situation is temporary doesn't sound like he will have her over much just be thankful and keep her with you it's a blessing. I know you are thankful about your parents help don't fell so bad about it if they couldn't help and didn't love you and the baby they wouldn't help. Things will work out as far as work and you won't have to feel the way you do about living off of your parents. You can always get used furniture don't let him slide on the child support for furniture, put it like this if some took all the furniture away you'd find other furniture to live with, yes I did we all can. As far as child support prices keep going up and she needs the support so don't slide on it for a rocker, please. She's 8 months old she won't remember the furniture it can be replaced. My prayers are with you.

A. I don't have a lot of advice because I've never been through it, but I just wanted to encourage you that you can and will make it. Don't allow him to cheat not only your daughter but you out of anything. I don't know the circumstances nor do I want to know; it's nobody's business sweetie, but please don't allow him to take anything else from you. Don't negotiate what he owes your daughter for her furniture; he owes her that and no judge in his right mind would let him get away with that. Take the help now from your parents and continue to try and find a job that will enable you to care for yourself and your daughter, but don't under any circumstances allow him to cheat you. Hang in there and know that God has everything in control. God Bless you, Lenay

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Men can be so cruel. I got divorced while I was pregnant with my oldest daughter. My husband swore she wasn't his, and after he paid me all the back alimony he owed (which was only $40 a week), he signed over his rights to her so he wouldn't have to pay child support.

The first thing you need to do is find a better lawyer. Many lawyers are available for little or no charge through a program with the state. I also know from experience that some lawyers are willing to provide you with good legal counsel and make your husband pay the legal fees through the divorce proceedings. That is what happened to me.

Have you checked into getting state aid? You should be able to get at least something to support you and your daughter, including food stamps, WIC, and AFDC. You should also qualify for a government apartment. The rent for it is based on your income. And many utility companies have programs for people who have low incomes, where your bill will be reduced. Keep looking for work. I know times are hard. Check the local fast food restaraunts, stores, motels, and anything else that might remotely have a position available. The stores will be hiring for Christmas really soon, and sometimes if they find a hard worker, they will hire them permanently. Also check with your church to see if they can give you any financial aid.

I know this is a hard time, but you can make it through. God never puts anything on a person that they are unable to bear without opening a window of escape. He will help you find your way.

And look at your soon to be ex husband's actions. It looks like to me that after the first few visits, if even that long, he will decide that he doesn't have time for your daughter and will not bother with taking her for the weekend. Also, if you suspect he is neglecting her, call DFCS and report him.

I am sorry you are going through a rough time. I know it must be hard for you considering your situation. The good thing is that he wants to be a part of her life. Honestly, guys CAN take care of a child. They just choose not to. They figure why should I do it when my wife can? I think that the baby will be fine with him and it will be good for him to take responsibility. You have to trust him and just tell him to call you whenever he has a question. On the other hand, maybe he won't take her as much as he says and just wants the ability to. Start a log, write everything down including the day after court when he didn't take her. Keep good records with dates and times and details.

A.,
I think you have gotten some good advice here when it comes to getting a lawyer. I have two grown daughters and would be so thankful to be able to help them in their time of need. Accept your parents' help, knowing they do it because they love you. Be strong, but be willing to lean on them for support. You will be in my prayers.

I'm so sorry! I cannot even begin to imagine waht your feeling nor what to say to help. Hang in there, be brave!! Do you attend a church or have a mommy group that you can speak with??

I will tell you to start keeping a list of visitations that he has missed, child support payments missed, holidays missed and etc. This can help in the future is you get to the point where you wants to have his parental rights termintated. Dont even tell him you are doing it.. he doesnt need to know.

Sounds like you need to get a new lawyer. There are typically five areas of concern in a divorce - Child custody and visitation; Child support; Alimony; Division of Property and Fees (attorney, income taxes, etc.). Here's some advice if you're in Georgia and if not - some things to consider with your lawyer.

First of all, find out if he cheated - if he did, all bets are off and you are usually entitled to more since it was his wrong. Search internet records, phone records, credit card receipts, etc. for evidence of this.

Since he is the primary bread winner, he will have custody rights - you have to trust in the Lord on this one. He will learn fast once alone with the child and the child will survive. He will slowly take your advice once he sees just how difficult it can be.

Since you were a SAHM, he should be providing you with Child Support (sounds like you'll be the custodial parent). Don't fight for the furniture - fight for the money and buy new furniture later. An 8mth old will not care if they are sleeping next to you or have a room full of furniture. You need the financial support now.

With alimony, the spouse should be paying you money to "help you transition to the workforce" since you are a SAHM and this was a joint decision when you were married. Just be aware that alimony can be offset by child support payments. You may also want to advise him that he can pay you more alimony and reduce his tax liability (when he files single) since alimony is tax free (if he's close to a lower tax bracket this can be very lucrative for him - and you).

Division of property - usually married property is split 50/50 - equal distribution. Everything you had before you were married is yours and everything acquired after marriage is split jointly. How much does he have in his 401K, mutual funds, IRA or Roth account? You are entitled to some of that money - - anything he put into these accounts after you all were married is part of yours.

Last bit of advice - may want to keep your married name so the child always has your same name (unless you consider changing her name, which is more confusing when daddy comes around).

Hope this helps.

Hey A.. I am sooo sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like you may want to get a better attorney. I know that you are that you are strapped for money right now, but this settlement will be for the long run. You should NOT have to get a job right now. You should be be able to maintain your way of life for the baby right now. He needs to pay you child support that is will allow you and your child to live somewhat the way you have prior to the divorce. YOU will not be able to settle this with him. He has made it personal! You need a BULLDOG attorney that makes it happen. Maybe you and you ex could go to a mediator and sort through some of these thing if you do not want to switch attorney's.

A., I've been through divorce with kids. You MUST have a good lawyer, just as you've been told here. If you have a lawyer now, get a new one because this one is obviously not fighting for you the way he/she should. If that is impossible, then you put your foot down and FIGHT for your daughter. Anything that is "given" to you in this divorce is for her, just remember that. Put your feelings aside and address this whole thing as though it is purely business, not personal. I know that sounds impossible, but you can do it. Every single dime or "thing" that your husband takes is something he is taking from your child. Temporary hearing done or not, nothing is final right now and you can still fight for what you need for her, so if it's not the way you feel it should be, make them all go back and do it again! Nothing is final until it's final. Remember that! I don't even care who is "at fault" for this divorce, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that you are able to provide a home for your child and you so you can raise her. If you feel it might be detrimental to her well-being to be spending the night with him at this age, then speak up for her and fight as though you are fighting for her life. My husband was not allowed to have the girls overnight until they were at least old enough to help take care of themselves, and he remarried shortly after we were divorced, so there was a woman there to help. Nevertheless, I had control of everything then because I had full custody. That's what you need. Sounds to me like the ONLY reason he wants joint custody is so he doesn't have to pay as much child support, and by the way, why is he not having to pay alimony? If you have been a SAHM and not working, I don't know of any court that would not allow you to receive alimony AND child support! As for depending on your parents right now, just be thankful they are able to help you, and let them do whatever they are willing and able to do right now. You can find work when it's time to do so, or you might be able to have the courts order your soon-to-be ex to pay for you to return to school to get a skill that will allow you to find work. I had a lousy lawyer my first divorce and regretted it for the next 20 years. Found out later (and then it was final, so too late) that I could have had so much more help from my ex and my daughters were ENTITLED to the BEST that BOTH of us could provide, not just the best of what I could provide with little assistance from him. The law is like this: they are obligated in the law to make sure your children are taken care of in a divorce. The divorce settlement, where children are concerned, is about taking care of the KIDS, not taking care of the parents. But in the case of the mother who has been a SAHM, 99% of the time the courts will make the husband help her until she has time to get on her feet and get work. So go for it, girl! And as for the emotional part of it all, tears are cleansing, prayers work wonders, and get yourself into a church where you will get support and emotional help, or join a support group; it really does help. We're praying for you and your daughter. REFUSE to let him have her overnight for now! Put your foot down and make that lawyer do his/her job right!

I dont know you but one thing I do know about women in general is that there is one thing that will make us stand up, brush our selves off and pull some strength out of our toes and that is our children.
You can do this!!
Divorces are never fair! Still, I have so much empathy for you because I couldnt imagine sending my babies into that situation. The best advice I can give is that he needs to see how hard it is for you and has been. If he has never put her to bed or fed her ect.....he is probably very nervous.
I was a child of a very nasty divorce that seemed to last 20 years but the bitterest part was when my sister and I were kids and they fought in court over us constantly and made awful accusations ect... But who was hurt the most was us. My parents can finally be in the same room together and actually speak now but it took 25 years. My Mother (whom Im close with now) was vicious and would say awful things about my Father. My Father would grit his teeth but never say anything. I am soooo much closer with my Dad because of it. Just keep in mind to be the bigger person. I know its hard and I sympathize with my Mother now because she is so much more humble but it used to drive her crazy that I was so close with my Dad when she took care of us on her own mostly so she would say bad things out of jealousy. Im the end that was what drove us apart.
STay strong. You will surprise yourself in your strength.
One day at a time. First priority is to get a job. Try apartment complexes. I used to work at several and lots of times you can work your way up to mngmnt pretty quick and get an apartment half off. Its easy work too. It was a total job change for me and I wound up loving it. I dont do it anymore but I would if I had to go back to work right at this moment. Just an idea.
Goodluck!

Hi A.,
I will be praying for you for comfort in this difficult time, for the Lord to open a door to a great job for you, and for strength to make it through each day. I will also pray that your daughter is not affected by the transition and that she will adjust well. Don't beat yourself up over needing help from your parents - that's what families are for - helping each other in good times and in bad. My husband and I wouldn't be doing as well as we are if it weren't for all the help from my parents and in-laws. I will be praying for you daily.

Cry all you need too, then get real strong emotional for you and baby, live off your parents as long as it takes, one less stress for now. Keep your enemys close aka ex- husband. Lead him into thinking your the abiding ex-wife, keep a journal and voice recordings of every contact you encounter with him regarding your child.If all is true as you say he will continue to be the absent father that he is. let him dig his grave with the help from you in letting him believe you want nothing but the best for him and his daughter. But document every sound and non action you get from him.For how ver long it takes for you to have the ammo to have the right to go back and have the courts to reconsider. Maybe he will become the absent Father sooner than you think. You suspect anything wrong with your daughter after coming from his time with her. DO NOT HESTITATE go to the peditrcian get it down on paper no matter how trite it may seem. God Bless that you have family

Hi A.!

I am writing to offer some words of support and encouragement! I am so sorry to learn you are going thrrough this terrible time. It certainly sounds as if your daughter's father is, like you said, "just trying to hurt you". Two questions: are you living with your parents? I can understand both sides of this issue - you are 26 years old, have a beautiful daughter and feel you should be on your own and the other side of the coin - you would certainly have fewer living expenses if you lived with your parents. This is something your parents and you will have to decide. I suggest an old cliche, "just keep putting one foot in front of the ohter"! You need to keep yourself functioning for the sake of your "little princess"! Second question, I do not know how much "post high school education" you have but if you need some more education to help support you and your daughter - find a way to get it! You sound like a very intelligent young woman!
Take care.
S.

Eight months old is such a great age for babies!! I wish you all the best! Hang in there!
S.

I know it's hard, but you FIGHT him for every cent you can get for your daughter! Your attorney also needs to try and force a judgement on him to take parenting classes so he'll know how to care for her. If he tells you he's too tired, tell him that's too bad! He needs a big dose of "suck it up". Don't get sad -GET ANGRY!You won't have to live off your parents forever. You'll get a job and you'll get your life back, but right now you fight for everything you can get for your daughter -and that will give you peace of mind eventually too. If he's such an a**hole that he would try to knock off half of his child support so his own baby can have furniture, then he deserves to be taken to the cleaners in more ways than one!

many churches have divorce support groups. The best way to find a job is working for a temporary service. Also look at going to school. There are some scholarships to help you get skills. Please get screened for post partum depression. Keep a diary for your lawyer of each time he does not spend time with your child. A temporary order is just that. child support belongs to the child and cannot be reduced by division of property.

A.- I dont' know your reason for divorce- but I hope you have a good attorney- you should fight for as much custody as you can. I can tell you from seeing my best friend go thru this- she just wanted him out and she didn't fight for anything- you'll have to open up that can of worms again later if you dont' do it now. find a good attorney and have them fight for your entitlements- child support, alimony, half house payment- etc...you will find a job- don't worry about that. I'm sorry that you have to go thru this- divorce is not ever easy and when it's done it will still be hard for a long time- I've watched friends go thru this and there is a new battle every day.
Good luck to you-

Hi A.,

Get a GOOD attorney. They should be doing all the fighting for you! STIPULATE up front that your husband is to pay for the divorce AND your representation. This brief time (I know it feels like a lifetime) will affect and color the rest of your life. Let your attorney know that you can not pay him but you want your husband to pay. They know how to write that into the agreement. I have a girlfriend that was paying $275 an hour and realized she could get the attorney she wanted at $395 an hour because he was going to write it in the agreement that her husband was responsible for payment. She in essence went from $275 an hour to nothing....

Consult with different ones if you feel you are not being represented properly...and remember that your little one needs your comfort and your priority is her. I will tell you that prayer will do wonders and if you are not in a church, you need to be. There is so much support from praying believers.

Take a look at this website and give the pastor a call. He is a very Godly man and I have known his wife for a very long time. The website is http://www.calvaryfpc.org/index.html. He is from that area and might be able to give you specific information that we can't give you on this website.

Don't worry about your parents right now. As a parent you would never turn your daughter away; let them help you. You really have more support than you can see. Don't be ashamed to lean on it!

God bless!

M.

A. I am so sorry that you are going through but God will help you to make it through just pray to him as I will also pray for you. I know it is hard, but you can make it through and it is help out there for women who are divorced and there are different programs, just call your local state or county office, dfacs,labor department and some churches. A. you will be surprised about all the resources that is available to single and divorced women. You are strong and you have to stay strong for your baby girl and just pray for her when she is with her father and pray for him that God will change him. Be Strong in the Lord and in the Power of his might. Remember Ask and You Shall Recieve, Seek and You Shall Find and Knock and the Door Shall Be Open. You are More Than A Conquer.
Be Blessed D.