Advice for Training a Teenager (Sports Exchange Student) to Be a Good Housemate

We hosted a 15yo German foreign exchange student 6 years ago for a year and had many of the same issues you are having. My sons were 4 and 10 at the time, and I was also concerned about the example that the exchange student was setting. It was a stressful time.

I ended up sitting him down and telling him that he had to eat meals with us, or he could not snack later. He also had to call us to let us know when and where he was and when he was going to be home (really he had to ask permission), or he would not be allowed to go anywhere the next evening, and I stuck to it. This was bizarre to him because it was not at all like the way it was for him at home, but he did adapt. He learned that life ran more smoothly for all of us and he had more privileges if he adapted to our expectations. In return, we treated him like a member of our family and saw to it that he was loved and also tried to show him as many American experiences as we could while he was here.

Now six years later, we are all still extremely close and he refers to me as his American mom. He's planning to visit next summer and possibly live here. He really is part of our family.

*ETA: I emailed his mom regularly and got her support. She felt it was our home and her son should respect us and our rules. We ended up being good friends, too. She loved how her son's behavior changed. Her English wasn't very good, and I speak no German, so we translated our emails using Babblefish.

Why not turn it around and ask him to solve the problems?

1) I need to know when you will be home from practice. What is the best way for you to do this? He might not be comfortable calling you with all his teammates there (maybe it's not cool) but he'd be willing to send you a brief text. Regardless, present him with the problem (I need to know when you will be home) and let him solve it.

2) You need to eat healthy food to participate in your sport. I'm afraid you are not going to fulfill your potential because you are eating too much junk, not enough protein. How can we make sure you are eating well? - maybe your dinner time doesn't work for him. maybe he needs it earlier so he can go to sleep earlier so he's not so tired. maybe he needs to eat later because he really needs that nap right after practice. maybe he needs a short nap, but he wants you to wake him to eat and he thinks the current situation (him napping and you waking him) is fine. I don't know, but I think you should let HIM come up with the answer. I also think you need to be more flexible, and if you need to eat sooner, but he needs to eat later, that's ok. Just put a plate in the fridge for him and he can heat it up when he's ready to eat.

Post house rules for everyone. This puts a visual reminder up there for your grade school kids too, so you're not singling out the teen. Put in what's not negotiable and work down from there. If you can get the kids to buy in and participate in compiling this list, great. You could make a list of chores and have everyone pick 2 or 3, and list consequences for not getting them done. For your visiting teen, that could mean no ride to practice, no more popcorn on the grocery list, etc.

He probably knows he's not fitting in, but he doesn't know how to communicate this. So he's retreating a bit.

You could ask him to pick a few menu items that he finds the least objectionable - tell him you are putting nutritious food on the table no matter what, but that you want to get some input from him on what he enjoys the most. You can also work to bump up the nutrition in your regular meals by hiding stuff in there or getting him to try things with one or two more ingredients in them.

Then you have the coach sit down with him (after a private discussion with you) about eating habits - if he wants to perform, he's got to get serious about proper nutrition. He is not going to be able to perform with speed and stamina, let alone recovery, if he eats all simple carbs and no protein or healthy fats. See what you can do to increase the nutrient content of his breakfasts especially.

You can also talk to the school's health & wellness director, who is probably a sports expert vs. a nurse/medical person. So the kid might listen more. Our school's director came up with a weight training program for our son (who had been very ill) and clued him in about comprehensive supplementation, how to calculate oxygen usage based on exertion so as to maximize muscle recovery, proper sleep, etc. One of the reasons this kid is falling asleep is that he is completely undernourished even for a regular teen, let alone one with such demands on his body from an elite sports training program. This is a far cry from telling him he can't play in games - just that he'll be more productive, a greater asset to the team, and get more playing time because he will have more stamina.

Encourage your teen visitor to invite a teammate over for dinner - work with the other parent if you can. That way both kids will eat what you have, and the other teen is not going to walk away from the table if you let your visiting kid know that it's not going to happen. You can also tell your teen that you realize every family has different customs and rules, but that he will fit in better with other friends if he learns some basic manners. Those include table manners, showing up, calling ahead, and sitting through the meal.

We hosted an exchange student several years ago. There are lots of things that need to be communicated to him now so that you all have a successful year. Tell him what the expectations (he join the family for dinner, he check in with you at what point and how - phone call or text) are for him living in your home - he is probably not used to structure (since he lived with a single dad). Write them down for him (almost like a contract) Include things that you are planning to do. Is he depressed? And depression may not present itself as just being sad - he is a 15 year old from a foreign country going to a new school and living with a new family. He is away from his only relative, eating unfamiliar foods (and surviving on an unhealthy diet) and struggling academically (and maybe socially) at school. I would have a meeting with the teachers and counselors at school to find out how he is doing in school - is he not trying or is there a language barrier or has he been placed in the wrong level classes? Do they have any programs to help him assimilate into the school community? Can he get tutoring? I would meet with the coach and ask for suggestions and find out how he is doing on the team. How is he performing at practice and at games? How is he getting along with the other players? What is his attitude? You could get a cook book from his native country and ask him to help you cook one of the dishes (as a learning experience for your whole family). See if there is an international market and take him grocery shopping. Stress the importance of eating healthy for him as an athlete and for your children as they are growing up. Teens do like to sleep a lot - is he sleeping at night or staying up on the computer to communicate with friends in his home country (time zone change). Our exchange student was very homesick, and had some unrealistic expectations of school in America. She also was a very picky eater (did not any beef or pork) so we went to an international food store and had her pick out things she was familiar with - they carried several German brands she was familiar with and we bought them and she made the dishes for our family on occasion. Good luck!

Part of it is that teens live in the moment. I would go wake him prior to dinner, like 10 minutes before, and insist he join you at the table. If you have already laid out the house rules, remind him of these two. That he call or provide a schedule for when he will be with you for dinner and he participate in dinner. It's both a point of respect to your household and a matter of good nutrition since he is playing a sport. If he continues to balk, perhaps you can discuss this with the coach.

Since he is in a program that is preparing him for professional program, point out to him that he should work on being respectful as part of being a professional. If he just wandered in halfway through a practice, that wouldn't be acceptable. Or if he didn't let his coach know he was going to be late to a meeting, that wouldn't be acceptable. He needs to give his hosts (you) the same courtesy. I don't think this needs to be a "you can't play" type thing. Just a "you need to be respectful of our time" thing. If you find yourself with leftovers, pack them up and tell him to reheat them. Boys can use a microwave.

And please don't put all the blame on his dad. My DH was a single dad to two kids for quite a while and the kids did not get raised by wolves, but still did/do some of what you describe because they were teenagers and still had a thing or two to learn about respecting other's time. Granted, it is a little different when there is a parent laying it out, but once we almost left SS at the house because he wasn't ready for a fancy dinner. He thought we were kidding, til we all piled in the van to leave him....

As for your own sons, sometimes I point out to DD when I think something big bro or sis did was not acceptable, and tell her that I expect her to do x even if they do y. I think the biggest thing here is figuring out everyone's roles. Having had college kids boomerang, I know it is sometimes a difficult dance, but he can respect that this is your home, not a dorm or B&B.

ADDED: I hope you come back and update us. Some are posting as if they're assuming he's from a different country -- I assumed, maybe wrongly, that he's from the U.S. and the "exchange" means he's living in your area in order to attend this sports program. Which is it? And what does the program itself tell host families -- are these kids supposed to be "guests" as one poster says or are they true exchange students, who are expected to act like functioning members of the household?

Original:
I am interested in seeing responses since I haven't encountered this form of "exchange student" before! He does not have the excuse of "we do things differently in my home country" either....

What occurs to me first is that he sounds a lot like any teen -- and like any teen he should be talked with like an adult, and given responsibilities and consequences. It sounds as if you are unsure whether you (and your husband?) have any authority to visit consequences on this boy, but if he is part of your household, you do have that authority, especially as it is a bad example for your own kids if they see this boy not being held accountable for certain things by you and dad. Unfortunately you do not have the serious consequence of removing him from his sport --you can't threaten that, but you can take away anything like going out with friends and teammates. Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

Do you actually know his father? Have you met him? Are you --not just the boy, you yourselves -- in regular contact with the dad? That would help you feel more comfortable in your dealings with the son. You may need the dad to talk to his son about the basic courtesy of getting to meals on time and calling you when you ask.

Do dad, coach, sports program, and the boy himself seem to view his residence with you more as landlord/tenant, where you are just a roof and a plate of food, or as a true "exchange student" who is there to have a full experience of school, home life and sports? I suspect that maybe the focus is so much on his sports program that your home is looked on (at least by him, possibly by his dad?) as his crash pad and cafeteria, not a place where he is a kid and you are his authority figures. Think hard about that -- is that how you feel it's going, no matter what the program says?

I would talk to the coach. Coach might surprise you and back you all the way. Don't complain about the typical teen stuff like towels on the floor, but do mention the Cheerios and popcorn -- an athlete needs protein, not just carbs, and you should tell the coach that the boy does not eat properly or at regular times. Make it not just about your effort but about the boy's physical fitness, and tell the coach you want coach to talk to the boy about both the physical aspect of eating well, and the social aspect of treating his exchange home with respect regarding meals that fuel him for his sport. The kid may listen to coach far more than he'd listen to you. I can't see the coach pulling the kid from games over eating habits, but maybe the coach will have a stiff talk with him about eating when and what his host family does.

I'd also draw up a chore chart for the entire household (including your kids, you and dad, as well as the teen) and have a family meeting about it. Do not make it all about how the teen isn't doing what he needs to do -- just frame it as something to help the whole family function better. You might want to appeal to the teen in terms of "The boys just adore you and will follow your lead on chores. You mean a lot to them and can set a great example."

I'd tell the kid, regarding the phone calls, that it is not optional that he call you. I would just make it a household rule. Tell him that if he can't make these calls, you will need to talk to the coach about it, since it affects not just the teen but your entire family if you do not have notice of his movements.

He sounds like an OK kid from what you write, but if you begin to feel that truly he is setting a poor example for your own younger children, do not hesitate to reconsider housing him. It's not at that stage yet, I'm sure. But the chief issue is your own children, and if your own life as an adult becomes so consumed by the teen's feeding and practice schedule that your own kids get affected -- well, keep in the back of your mind that your family comes first. Again, not there yet! And I'm sure the kid has some great qualities. But it does sound like he needs a wake-up call that you're not his personal alarm clock, maid and cook. Nip it now, early in the school year.

He is in a totally different family dynamic now and he needs to adjust. Sounds like he is not used to having someone cooking and worrying about him. This is a novel experience for him and I'm sure he is not quite sure how to deal with expectations.

At the meeting tonight hand him and his coach a "contract" or "Rules of the Household". Put down everything you want him to do to be a part of the family. For example, "Dinner is at 6:30 p.m. You are expected to be home. If that changes, you MUST contact me before hand to see if that is ok." "All meals are eaten together." Seriously, if he falls asleep, wake him up! "Bob, dinner is ready come on down". If he fusses say "dinner, get up now".

As for school work, contact his teachers and see what you can do to help. Find out what he is having issues with. Is it language? Does he totally comprehend English? Also, I don't know what country he is from but that could play a part in this as well. Ask him what you can do to help him adjust. I wonder what type of expectations were on him at school in his home country.

He's a teenager and some of what you are saying is teenager behavior but add to that is he is a stranger in the US and that's not easy.

Kudos to you and your family for opening your home!!

As a former exchange student in high school this is what I found very helpful. Not sure if there is a language barrier or not, but that may be the main issue.

1. Be upfront and clear with house rules. If you are late you must call. Be sure they understand the rules.
2. I struggled with the food in the country I went to and it was rough for me, but I always tried it first. My family was okay with it as long as I made an effort and tried the food.
3. School work is a no go, there has to be consequences and I would reach out to the program and see what you are able to do.

It can be such a rewarding experience for both of you, but both have to work for it.

Get rid of the Cheerios and popcorn. Teens love food. Have only the food there that is dinner.

Why are you supposed to be making him do anything? Isn't he a guest in your home? If he's getting a ride to and from practices then he needs to focus on why he's here in the first place.

I guess I'd let him be himself but if I couldn't live with him I'd tell the coach they need to find someone that doesn't mind him being himself.

I'd want him to put his clothes in a hamper in the room he changes clothes in whether that's a bathroom or a bedroom.

I'd keep a bunch of cheerios and popcorn just for him.

ETA

I certainly hope the coach doesn't take him out of games for this. Good grief. He really needs to go to a different home if you can't manage this. I am totally aghast at this.

He came here to play a sport. You want the coach to punish him and not let him play because he won't conform to your rules.

You are hosting him, he's a guest, common courtesy is something he doesn't have. In his country they may not have the same traditions and mores we have here. Lighten up or send him on his way.

I realize you're supposed to help him learn better ways and to help him. BUT it sounds like you're really struggling with things that are normal teen things.

I will point out that many foreign countries do not discipline their kids and teens at all, they allow them to grow like free range chickens. Really they do. They don't get into trouble for mistakes and they don't have ANY juvenile delinquents, they don't have any kids breaking laws. The kids just don't go that far, they push the boundaries but not to the extreme that is illegal.