Would You Choose Between Your Husband and Best Friend?

Easy choice for me: I'd pick my husband.

I think he has every right to tell his wife what he thinks of the friend. He also has every right to tell his wife that he doesn't want the friend in their home, and that the friend is affecting their marriage in a negative way because that is how he feels about it. If the husband had a friend that the wife thought was a problem for their marriage she would speak up, so why shouldn't the husband?

I agree with the husband here. This friend has major, major baggage and you never know what could happen with all the crazies she's dealing with. You know how many people get followed and O. of these crazies she's dealing with could find her at her friends house and who knows what could happen. I would not want to chance it with my family, especially if the abusive boyfriend can get away with so much since his brother is the CP. Why can't she go over to her house instead of her friend coming over all the time? My husband IS my best and I would never put anyone before him.

i would totally understand my husband's distaste and respect his need for boundaries. but i wouldn't be married to anyone who felt free to dictate whom i can be friends with.
khairete
S.

Some may scoff at my response because it simplifies everything.. But I do respect my marriage vows and the language spoken at my wedding...

Unless they were married with non-traditional language, part of their vows included something like, "what God hath joined, let no O. put asunder", as in "Let no O. come between the spouses". I'm sorry, but her friend should not be the priority in their relationship. She is allowing someone else to interfere with her marriage. To say that she can be friends with this person and it won't impact her husband is insulting to their marital state--because they arent living separate lives, right? And if she wants to live separate lives, then (as her husband's ultimatum illustrates), she should not be married.

I think your friend should have met her husband 1/2 way on this O. and met Miss Crazy in a neutral spot (a.k.a. not her home!). It sounds like your friend may not be the best w/ setting boundaries and hubby is tired of it.

I don't think he has a right to tell her who she can be friends w/ but you're only getting O. side of the story (and O. specific situation). Maybe Miss Crazy * is * putting their family in a bad position - in that case I do think he can say NO more to the friendship.

If it is just a case of him being tired of it then no, I don't think that's OK. If this is the case then think they should sit down and set out a mutually agreed upon set of criteria for the relationship (i.e. no meeting at our home, no offers of money to assist her, etc.).

My husband and I were just talking about this at dinner tonight.... why does it seem like 'black clouds' follow certain people around? Is it b/c they need drama in their lives?? Not sure about that O..

On another note ..... Miss Crazy has done so well that she is mortgage free on a home (the O. that her brother stole the deed for) yet doesn't know enough to put the deed to her home in a safe (locked) place? And if this was the case he would have had to forge her signature on it to transfer the deed - why doesn't she just take him to court and prove the signature is a forgery?? Sounds like A LOT more is going on than your friend is sharing and her hubby is OVER it.

Family First ~ Not Friends.

I completely agree with the husband.

So Denise,
The BIG part of your story that I need further clarification on....is...how absorbed does your neighbor become when she is helping good friend?

Is she so absorbed in her problems that she cannot tend to her own family needs? And from the sounds of 'nutshell' details in your own description..I can imagine there is much,much more and that if this is what you are walking away with....your neighbor is involved in far, far more.

I would philosophically agree that a husband does not have the 'right' to limit friendships. HOWEVER, if they become detrimental to his marriage, and the wife is failing to function for herself or family because she is sooooo off in left field with dysfunctional friend....then, I believe the spouse has a right to say, no more. I believe the spouse who stood by and let that happen is not protecting their marriage and honoring their marriage commitment.

So, what say you about neighbor's boundaries with dysfunctional friend? Are they healthy or unhealthy?

Best to you..

Family first, like some of the moms have said. And you yourself mentioned endangering - how is a brother who steals, and her abusive live-in boyfriend with ties to the police NOT potentially dangerous? The husband is right. She can be an ear and a shoulder, but not a rescue place. That's what shelters are for. And the hubby's kinda right.

.

Obviously this woman's drama spills over into her friend's life and that of her husband and he is probably totally sick of it. If the situation were reversed, and I were him and my husband had a nut job friend who sucked the life out of him, I would be pissed too. And I might give the same ultimatum. Her husband is probably afraid this drama will ruin their marriage. And it very well could if it hasn't already. It seems to be causing them problems. If I had a friend like that, I would figure I was an enabler if I continued to help. So I would stop and focus on my husband and family. And be free of ridiculous drama. Who needs all that in their life?

I don't really see it as the husband dictating her friendships. I think he sees that she is a destructive person and is damaging to their relationship. I could see it going the other way around - if the husband had a super needy, messed up friend living a life of drama, that the wife might feel like it's too time consuming for her husband to have a relationship with him and damaging to their own relationship.

I do feel like he has the right to say something. I think it's pretty extreme to say it's their marriage or the friend, though. I don't agree with that. But it does sound like he has very valid concerns, and I think he definitely has the right to speak up and suggest she stop being friends with her. That friend sounds like she has always been enabled to some degree. She reminds me of a friend that I have, who is VERY needy, drama, makes awful choices all the time, and is always rescued and never seems to learn from her mistakes. I don't have a super close relationship, though. So, it's not the same thing.

I think in a good marriage, the couple puts O. another first. It sounds like it REALLY bothers the husband, and it sounds like he has some very valid reasons. If it bothered my husband that much, he would definitely be more important to me than a friend who is trapped in a life of drama and poor choices. I wouldn't choose anything or anyone over my husband or children. And I know he wouldn't either.

So, I do agree that it's quite an extreme ultimatum, and I don't agree with that. But I do see he has the right to ask her to end it, and based off of what you're saying, I can see why, and I would hope she would consider his suggestions (well, demands really) or find a compromise somehow.

Ive been the friend, "kicked to the curb" so to speak.. & I do understand. (But it SUCKS!!!) I would never, ever allow my dh (to be) to make this decision for me, as to who my friends are. I would understand HIM not wanting to see her, but thats it. I choose who is in my life. I think, we as women, disclose too much, sometimes, about our friends to our SO. So they take this postition. I think your friend should stand her ground & keep her friendship.

I am totally in agreement with the husband. Negative drama does spill over. Sounds like her friend's life is taking over her own. The woman needs to distance herself slightly from her friend, all the while being supportive and suggesting professional help. If the negative energy affects their marriage, the husband has EVERY right to suggest what will be best for the two of them in their lives. Sometimes it takes someone else to see this. Maybe if the woman gives this some thought, she will see that he has a point.

If my husband had that big of an issue with a friend, I'd pull back for sure. There is a reason he has an issue with them and normally my husband is great at figuring people out. I would let my friend know that I would still be there for her when I could, but there comes a time when people have to grow up, and 35 is way past it. The friend needs to get her life straight and then I'm sure things will turn around for her. She chooses to stay in an abusive relationship and dealing with her obviously abusive family. So she has to make some changes for herself - I hate to say I agree with the husband, but when it boils down to it, I do.

(I don't think he is trying to control his wife's friendships, I think he is trying to protect his wife and family.)

Simple, my husband is my best friend. No O. but my kids come before him.

You are right, he can't dictate who she is friends with but he can dictate what effects his life and his family. We recently had a similar situation with my BIL who loves drama, going through a nasty divorce etc and bringing this bad energy into our home and around our children, even without being here but just talking on the phone etc. My husband made a decision to let him go for now...we don't need negative energy in our lives....perhaps this is how her husband is feeling.

step back from being defensive for a moment and consider where he may be coming from

I used to run myself insane trying to "help" others (read: trying to control, set my own agenda, use them as an excuse as why I felt ragged inside, get upset when outcome wasn't what I wanted (even if that looked like the "right thing, it wasn't mine to decide or make happen)).

If (and when) I do that now, it DOES effect my marriage / relationship to myself / ability to function internally and externally, because I am not being real or honest with myself. It's O. of my dysfunctions (def. impaired functions) and hopefully we work towards being balanced and functional.

In relationships, I have to be careful not to get wrapped up in the results of my service / my end. If, for example, I give a girlfriend support through a breakup from an abusive relationship, I can't take it personally or feel betrayed if she goes back. If I help someone paint their house, and their kid draws on the wall, I don't get to see that as an attack. I do get to feel fulfilled by the process of offering support and assistance to someone who I love. No expectations. No small print. If I can't, or don't want to do that, then I butt out / take space. I get to place boundaries. I get to choose not to be the victim. I get to choose not to hold others responsible for the way I feel, react, and act. Those are my choices to make, and it's situation to situation. I do NOT have this down yet. Work in progress.

Anyway. I come with baggage. My husband knows that. He gets to let me (not to be confused with is-always-happy-to) work this stuff out. When my stuff gets in the way of our marriage (i.e. I have to go enable this person, and I want you to relinquish your boundaries so that I can be free to be a victim) he gets to call me on it. He also gets to have big feelings. He also gets to set boundaries. Ultimatums haven't been useful (i.e. it's me or your sister). Putting together strategies and negotiating are (i.e. you love this person. You give this person time and energy, then get depressed when she doesn't follow through with her healing, then you withdraw/feel angry and sad/take it out on me and the kids. It's hard to watch. It doesn't seem productive. I deserve to be treated with respect. I don't trust your sister or want her around our home. You're not ready to let go. What can we do to make our lives more functional?)

ETA (My husband get's to choose not to have a relationship with everyone I do, and vice versa. We also don't have to always agree with O. another. However, if there is an individual who threatens the other's emotional/physical safety, we should have the ability to not have them in our space, even if it doesn't seem rational. However, if we are setting that boundary to punish someone, prove something, or force their "bottom", I'd take issue. That's not setting a boundary, that's pushing an agenda)

We are, inevitably affected by O. another's relationships and lives. Being a team is the goal. Like the "Allegory of the Sun and Wind".

-- I'm not saying your neighbor does what I do. I'm just relating it to my own life and what's been effective/ineffective for us.

You'll get varying opinions but here's mine.

The spouse has every right to voice their opinion and to draw battle lines in the sand. No matter what else the situation is, as in if he's a bit controlling or whatever, look at just this situation.

My husband is not controlling, or I'd kick his butt, lol. But if I had a friend that was emotionally and physically draining their marriage then I know he'd be saying the same thing. This woman can have as much pity as she wants for her friend but she is not and should not be this woman's caretaker. She is not the mother. She can be there emotionally for her but that's it at this point. It sounds by their age this woman should have her poop in a group but is still emotionally leaching off of her friend and the husband has had enough. Remember, we're just talking about this particular situation.

I can tell you that if my husband had the same situation supporting this person, bringing drama in the house and bringing everyone in an uproar, giving positive advice and the friend choosing not to take it time and time again, I'd be giving my husband the same ultimatum. I would have enough.

I can only assume that the husband is military since he's out of the country. My husband is retired military. But either way, military or not, when your husband is out of the country the last thing you want is people in your house and in your life that is causing drama and grief. The last thing the husband needs to do is be frustrated from long distance when they're trying to do a job far away from home.

In this particular situation, I side with the husband. I have had friends like this in the past when I was single. I finally had to disconnect from them, especially the O., because it was too emotionally draining when she kept doing the same things over and over again, come to me to complain about it, give advice and not taken over and over again and being a vicious cycle year after year. I can only imagine if my husband were there. He would have had me put a stop to it long before I did it myself.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

My husband is welcome to WHOMEVER he likes to have as a friend... and I will in no way undermine that friendship... but I also DO NOT allow certain people in my home. Because it's my home, too, and I have the right to feel safe there. He can meet up with said people ANYWHERE else, but not in my home.

Same token, O. of my friends he also does not want in HIS home. No problemo... we meet at a bookstore, or for coffee, or a bar, or any O. of dozens of places that are NOT OUR HOME.

Now... if he was saying he didn't want her to spend time with her friend, or acitively told her to drop the friendship... that would be different. That would be trying to control it. But he's not saying who she can be friends with, or even attempting to limit the friendship. Merely laying a boundary (not in my home) is not trying to control HER.... it's putting something important to him on the table. By agreeing, and then breaking it, she betrayed a trust.

husband would win that fight, but he better be prepared to do the same for me.

If my husband had such BIG thoughts on my friend, I think I would choose him over her. I'd still try to help my friend, but do it under different conditions and probably not let hubby in on all the details since he's not interested or because it stresses him out. Maybe your friend is letting her friend consume too much of their relationship time, and that's why her husband isnt liking it much. having a friend with so much drama is tiring.... and more for a spouse who has to listen to us whine about it.

Part of these sounds like what my family is dealing with, and I must say that cutting ties, especially after this long is easier said than done. If anything else goes wrong after cutting ties the neighbor wife will feel guilty and that will add more stress to the marriage.

I can see why the husband was mad since he had said for her to not be over at the house. That was wrong of the wife. If she wanted to meet with the friend, they could've gone to a restaurant, park, etc. So the husband is probably wondering what else the wife has done behind his back...

There shouldn't have to be choosing. The wife should talk to the husband and maybe agree to not discuss the friend with him anymore, but I don't see how cutting ties with the friend will benefit anyone really.

Your last sentence is exactly what I was going to write. As long as the friend wasn't endangering me or our family, I'd expect my husband to keep his opinion to himself - or at least to trust me enough to know that I can make my own choices about friends. Sure, he could say he never wants to spend time with her and he doesn't want to hear about all of her drama from me, but if I wanted to spend time with her while he was out of the country, why should he say no? I wonder if there's anything else going on that your neighbor hasn't mentioned - maybe the friend has borrowed money or been rude to the husband, or maybe your neighbor is choosing her friend over her husband - like she'll have to go save her friend at dinner time a lot, or cancel out of plans with her husband because her friend needs her. That would annoy my husband (or me if the roles were reversed).

If my actions with/for this person interferred with my marriage, then my husband has the absolute right to tell me to stop my actions, which may include stopping a relationship with that person. Especially, if the only way for me to stop those actions is to cut ties with that person. However, if her actions weren't affecting them and he just didn't like her for some reason, then they need to come to an agreement that works for them. (Maybe she doesn't talk about the friend's problems in front of him, for example.)

My husband had a friend who was absolutely toxic to our relationship. Lying about me to him/others, telling him I was no good for him (before she'd ever met me), ignoring me at functions (and saying she didn't see me), etc. The night we announced our engagement to his friends/family, she pulled some stunts, he acted inappropriately, started to play both sides, and when we were alone, I returned the ring and said I couldn't marry someone who acted like that. There were talks, and he decided on his own that she couldn't be his friend and continue to act the way she did. She never changed and drifted away (not after spreading more lies about me, of course). Some may see this as me giving him an ultimatum, or making him choose between us. I see it differently.

I agree with you, Denise.

At this stage of my life, I would not need to be told to distance myself in push my friend towards PROFESSIONAL help.

My husband would never actually tell me this, but if he did I probally would not listen because I am not a child and it would make me so mad he even tried.

I think before I completely write off what my husband has to say, I'd want to know why. If this is my husband being completely capricious, then we have marital issues. BUT, it may be that my husband is worried about the situation, afraid that the best friend is hurting me, and or him. It could be a control thing (but I like to think the man I married knows better). But I married an adult whose judgement I trust, so if he's reacting so strongly that he's saying "Don't interact with your friend at all", there's something big going on.

Katie is right. I had the exact same situation, but I ended it myself before my husband could even ask, if he would have even asked in the first place. O. of the best decisions I ever made. People who need ongoing caretaking because of constant drama are not doing anything to make their life better. It's O. thing to have a situation requiring help and support for a short time, it's a whole other thing when it becomes a long term life style.

Hi, Denise:

What do you need?
Just want to know.
D.