I am getting married soon, on Oct 8 to be exact. My fiancee and I have and 11 year difference. I am 21 and he is 32. Neither one of us have any kids, but I know that, one day, I really want to concieve. We have been together for almost 4 years. We live together and as I stated are planning to get married soon.
Right now, I am on birth control. I had a miscarriage when I was 16. It was the worst feeling I ever felt. I am not saying it will happen again, but it is in my family history. He also experienced the lost of a child, one of his ex-girlfriends had a still born.
I am feeling a little pushed, not by him, by his family (mainly his sister and father) to concieve as soon as we marry, if not before. His mother and father does not have any biological grandchildren from any of thier 3 kids. His brother's wife, has a bad kidney, and is unable to concieve. They are now in thier 40s and decided to adopt. His sister had a brain tumor that affect some kind of hormone in her body. She is also under the impression that she is unable to concieve. She now believed that he is the only hope.
I do not mind having kids, when we get married. I just do not want to be stress or feel like I have a duty. I want it to be a decision made by my husband and I, when we feel like we are ready. I also dont want them to be disappoint if I am unable. I am not sure if I am or not. Even now, his father is always giving us baby making tips and pointers. It is quite disturbing. I have even caught a few hints thrown by his mother and sister, HECK someties even my mother and sisters. I feel like every one is riding me about having a baby, I can even think straight to figure out when I want to have a baby.
When I tell them, I am still young, they make statement saying my fiancee is not getting any younger. I honestly think that he is not old. Everybody is saying, you should consider his age and he might want kids by 35. Even though, I want to concieve before 3 years I now feel like I am on a time limit.
I said when we get married I will get off my birth control. My fiancee never once pressured me nor does he say much about having a baby, only when I ask. We talked about it but I never get a straight answer, he always lives it up to me. I think he does not want to pressure me, since I told him how I feel about everybody esle. He is great around kids and I know he will be a great father. We still have different views on raising kids but think that if it happens we will pull it together. How can I tell his family nicely to back up a little and let us make that call?
tell them to stop asking you and then maybe you'll consider it.. I did this and it worked everyone left me alone.
I just wanted to add that I personally don't think you should get off of your birth control right after you get married. Throwing kids into the mix is h*** o* even the healthiest and happiest of marriages because it changes so many things. Research has shown your marriage will have a greater chance of success if you are just married with no kids for the first couple of years so you can get to know each other as husband and wife and really get comfortable with that first before your add kids. Esp. since you're only 21 and it doesn't sound like you want kids RIGHT NOW, wait until you feel like it is YOUR decision and desire to start trying.
Oh honey, when I got married, I was only 20 years old and my mom hounded me for the grandchildren she always dreamed of. My husband, incidentally, is 5 years older than me and even he pressured me to get pregnant on our honeymoon. I knew without a single doubt in my head and heart that I most certainly was NOT ready for children. I was not! I had dreams of building our home together, paying off our cars as we both bought new vehicles very early on, and I wanted to get myself through college....and save money! When people, mostly family, asked when we were going to have a baby, I would always say, "I'm not ready yet." It was the truth and I never felt compelled to explain myself further. My husband and I continued to work, to save money, did a little traveling, we built our first home together, we paid off all of our debt, and I got myself into college and earned my A.A. I'm sure that I conceived our first child on graduation night and that was 7 years after we were married. Today we have 3 children with another bonus one on the way. It's not for others to decide your future. IF I had gotten pregnant on my honeymoon almost 19 years ago, it would have been a struggle for my husband and I back then because we were both young and we had different priorities when we were in our early marriage. I knew that I would have always wanted to be a full time stay at home mother but our jobs, or rather or income would have never allowed me to stay home. I've been home full time now for 11 years and I am most certainly NOT sorry I waited to have children. I would do it the same way all over again...except that I would have enjoyed traveling a little more AND completing my bachelor's degree. My life's ambitions are on hold now because I chose to be a mother at this time in my life but waiting to have children as long as my husband and I did was the best thing for us to do. Don't let anyone pressure you. 21 years old is very, very young.
You'll know it's time to have a baby when you WANT to have a baby. It stinks to have all that pressure -- my DH and I were married for 9 years before we had kids and after about year 2-3 I got lots of pressure/expectations from parents and siblings. But ultimately YOU are the ones that have to carry a baby, get up late at night, and be responsible for it forever. Next time someone gives you pressure about having a baby reassure them that you do want to have kids, but you also need to find your own footing as a married couple first. And could they please give you a little space? Noone can concieve on a timetable and adding that stress to the mix may make it impossible. Once they know you do want to have kids, maybe they will ease up. If they don't, just tell them "never, end of story" or "that's none of your business. I'll let you know when we are ready to tell you and not a moment sooner." But try the nice version first. :)
I got married at 24. Soon after marrying, we visited my in-laws. My step mother inlaw asked when we were going to give her grandkids. I told her "When we are done with our education (husband: Masters and me: teaching credential), had jobs, and bought a house." She said, "Why?" I told her that I wanted to be able to afford braces if my child needed them. She told me that I was selfish.
Seventeen years later, I still resent the fact that she thinks we were selfish. It isn't her life that would change dramatically by having a child. She didn't know if we were emotionally ready to bring another life into the world.
We now have three kids who are 11, 7, and 17 months. We are able to afford braces (good thing; the first two have or will need them :)) It took seven years of marriage before we felt ready to have our first.
So the time to have children is when you are ready. I would probably say to her, "Unless you are going to be there at two in the morning rocking an upset baby, we have to decide when it is best. Don't worry; we plan on having children but when the time is right for us.
Good luck!
From someone who got prego 2 months after her wedding and had baby #2 17 mos after the first and is now on #3 (all will be less than 4 years old come my due date in May)...maybe wait a bit. At least a year...get settled, enjoy married life and then make the decision together. It is a decision only the two of you can make...unless you decide to forgo birthcontrol and then it will just happen when it happens (for us, 2 mos after the wedding....we were hoping it would take 6 mos to a year). Don't get me wrong -- I love my kiddos so much and they are great, but it is very stressful on a new marriage! Oh- and Ignore his family -- you can't tell them to back up without hurting their feelings and causing a rift (especially given their health problems)!
Best wishes and Congrats on your upcoming nuptials!
You'll know when you are ready.
As hard as it is don't let anyone push you into having a baby if you don't feel ready. For one-the first 1-2 years of marriage are hard enough without throwing a baby in the mix. PLUS, that time should also be a time where it's just the two of you, (IMO), where you can come and go as you please and just enjoy marriage and each other.
My husband was 39 when we had our first and I was 35...your fiancee is plenty young don't let them use that on you.
One-you need your fiancee to help with his family and intervene-it's HIS family. Two-if not, next time it comes up nicely say-listen...we're going to focus on getting married first. I love that you are excited for Grandkids, but pressuring me doesn't help things and it's really our decision not yours...and then in your head say...so back the F&*K off! :)
You tell him to talk to his family about it. That isnt your job. As long as you and he are on the same page then don't listen to anyone else. Have kids when yall are ready and when God gives them to you.
In regards to what to tell them to quit hounding you, I would just be polite, sincere and honest...something along the lines of "I understand and hear you excitement about grandkids, but I am just not ready yet, please stop with the hounding. All you are doing is adding unnecessary stress. We love you and each other and when the time comes you guys will be the first to know, promise".
Hope that helps, at least just a little :)
Waiting till I was ready was one of the best things I have ever done.
I like you, got hounded by family to hurry up and get pregnant! I come from a very long line of woman who were all pregnant at 19-20, had exactly 2 kids and were completely done by the time they were 22 years old...I heard it all, "you don't want to be an old mom", blah,blah,blah....I met my hubby when I was 19 and I wasn't ready to have children till I was 26 years old...having those 7 years of just me and the hubby was terrific! We loved
it! It gave us time to just be us, to live together and *really* get to know one another.
My hubby and I also have an age gap, hubby is 7 years older than I...and we never worried about him (or myself) being too old to be parents, that's
just ridiculous!
~Follow your own gut, when it's time, you'll just feel it! I followed my gut and broke ALL the rules in my family...not only did I wait till I was 26 to have my first child but I had 3 kids (gasp! In my family this is unheard of and what constitutes a very *large* family), my last I had at 30 years old...and I do not/did not/ have yet to feel like an "old Mom"!
Everyone has a right to go at their own pace!
I always advice people to wait about a year before they have children, they really need that strong marital foundation to bring children into the world to.
You want the decision to be yours as a couple, not from pressure from anyone else, because when times are rough and they will be, you don't want that baggage of, "well had we only waited like I felt like and not did what your aunt marge wanted..."
Now, I also think it is a matter of prayer and personal reflection, and that it's good to set a goal but also to listen to your heart and accept change as needed.
I think that waiting until all education is done and personal finances are in the perfect ideal isn't for me, if that was true, I would still be childless and though it's rough sometimes, it's worth it. trust me, there is never going to be a *right time* to have kids.
My parents planned on waiting a year or two. After they were married 6 months, my mom had a very strong feeling they needed to try. They did and got pregnant with my older sister. After she was born, they planned on waiting another year or two. When my sis was about 6 months old, my mom had a very strong feeling they should try. They did and I was conceived. My sis and I are only 18 months apart. when I was a few months old, my father was diagnosed with leukemia and became sterilized with treatment. Had they waited, they would have never had biological children.
As for nosey people who push their agendas, when my mom kept asking me, I looked at her in the face and yelled, "Honey, lets go have sex right now!" Then I told her our personal decisions where really none of her business and that when we are ready, it will happen, but not to be waiting for an answer.
You are a youngster and I certainly think that you need to get married first and for a few years get settled into your married life before having kids. I am so glad I had my 20's to do my thing....There is no reason that you have to make this decision now. Your fiance is young to. I am younger than my DH. He was well over 40 when we had our first...Not on purpose but timing and circumstance when we finally met, fell in love, got married etc...
