What to Do with a Crying Kindergartner

I don't have a magic answer, but I would suggest you find her friends in her class. Invite children over, meet at the park. If she can feel more comfortable with the kids in her classroom that might help..... especially at lunch time.

Maybe she's upset because her only constant that day was the teacher and she couldn't find her. I'd talk to the teacher and ask her to reiterate (which may be helpful to the whole class) what the next step in the day will be. My DD always likes to know the right way to do things and if someone does something different she gets flustered. She had a tantrum with DH because he did something differently than I do. I had to explain that it's OK, the result is the same. If she cries about an experience, sit her down and remind her she's OK, and ask her what she learned. Maybe that will reinforce what to do next time.

Make sure you try to talk to her to find out exactly what she is thinking. When my DD started kindergarten and after school care we didn't think much of it, because she had been going to day care her whole life.

After a few weeks the after school teacher told us she was crying every single day when she first got there. We had no idea because when we picked her up she seemed fine. After sitting down and talking to her come to find out that after school they were taking the whole class outside to meet their parents and then after all the kids were gone, they would take her back inside to go to after school.

She thought that we kept forgetting to pick her up every day. We talked to the teacher and instead of making her go outside and watch all the other kids leave with their parents they let her go straight to after school. Did not cry anymore after that.

My point is you may not know for sure what is going on in their heads and you may be surprised by what they are thinking.

As you've probably discovered by now, no amount of reassurance from you will quell your daughter's fear, and you can't really prevent her from crying.

Possibly one of the best things you can do for her is to hear her describe just what it is that makes her feel so anxious. She may not be able to describe her feelings directly, but it can come out in story form if you get her to relate her experience of the day. I strongly recommend the wonderful little book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. You can probably help your daughter evaluate the situation and come up with her own solutions that will help her.

Crying is okay if a child needs to do it when it's an expression of stress, worry, pain and need. If that expression is too strongly discouraged, those emotions may have to come out some other way. But if you can give your child the space to explore her own feelings, she may discover new, and more mature, ways to deal with her anxieties. I've used these techniques with my grandson since he was 2.5 years, and have found them very helpful (he's now 6). My own mother just kept telling my own shy self to be strong, tough it out, there's nothing to fear. I don't remember that as feeling helpful or supportive, if anything, I just felt worse for being fearful.

How to Talk suggests finding a quiet time to bring up the problem, and then just giving your daughter plenty of space in which to respond, with lots of encouraging but simple feedback like "Oh, I understand," "Yes," or simply sympathetic "Hmmms." Allow spells of silence for thinking, and hold/touch her if she finds that soothing or reassuring.

Once she expresses her insecurities, you can ask her what advice she'd give to another little girl with the same problem. Ask her to bring you one of her crayons so you can write down a brainstorming list of ideas. Be sure to write it all down, even the non-workable ideas (like "I can just stay home.") Throw in strategies of your own.

Then go through the list and pick out the 2-3 most helpful, workable ideas. Include solutions your daughter has thought of and is willing to try. This approach has been heartening to my grandson, who's a little timid, when he gets thrown into a new situation/class that has him feeling anxious.

This is only a brief overview of the brainstorming approach. I strongly recommend you get the book to get yourself thoroughly grounded first, though. It's a quick read, and there's at least one story in it that speaks directly to your daughter's situation. In my personal experience, this is the single most helpful parenting book out there, and I've read and used a bunch.

Good luck.

I don't really think there is much you can do aside from talking with her and just letting it take its course.

You could always try the book "The Kissing Hand." It is about a raccoon that doesn't want to go to school but his mom kisses his palm so he can just press his hand to his face and know mom love him.

She is adjusting.
She will be fine.
Don't worry.
I know it is concerning, but she is not the only child that has done this in Kindergarten nor in the cafeteria.
She will adjust.
She will get used to, routines changing.

I work at my kids' school, I see the Kinder kids. In the classroom and at lunch.
Some of them cry, just like you describe your daughter.
For some kids, it can take even a month or two.
For some kids it only takes one week.
Don't worry.
When I see a child cry at lunch, I acknowledge the child, speak kindly to her/him, let them know that afterschool they will see Mommy, but for now, they are with their friends. I give her/him a hug.
But, by the time I even walk 10 feet away, the child has stopped crying already and is interacting with others.

The kids, get "spurts" of sadness or crying. They are NOT crying ALL day. Nor for every little thing. It is just "separation anxiety."

Little kids, generally like routine and don't handle "change" well. So this is also common. They are young.
But, before you know it, your child WILL be completely fine.
Teachers and staff, ALL know, that Kinder kids, are this way or may be this way. They know how to handle it.

The child is learning "coping-skills."
They are young, not rocket scientists about it.
But they will be fine.
Let your child express herself to you, but don't let it be about pitying. The child. Let her express herself, then let her know it will be fine, and you understand.

Aww. I'm sorry. =( I am a kindergarten teacher, so I know these stories all too well...just on the other side. (I am also a Mom of a 2.5 year old, so may be in your shoes in just a couple years.) Let me make a couple suggestions...1. Talk to her teacher about her teddy bear. Why does he have to stay in her backpack? Can he possibly go in her desk too? I do get that the teacher may not want it out during instructional time. I wouldn't either, but during down time, I think it's fine. 2. Try sending pictures of you or other family members to school with her and allow her to leave them in her desk. I have done this on several occasions. Talk to the teacher about it. When my students are feeling sad, I allow them a couple minutes to go and look at the pictures. Has worked wonders in my classroom. 3. Don't go to school just yet and volunteer. I know it's hard, but it's going to make the situation worse for your daughter, her teacher and yourself. Save this special volunteer time for when she is ready and can handle you coming and going. There will be tears now if you do it. ... Hang in there. It sometimes takes kids a few weeks or even months to really adjust. I am always amazed how quickly they do transition though. Good luck!!

Since toys are off limits in the classroom, and I know sometimes that kids connect to objects, how about a pin or beaded necklace she could wear? You could do one with letter beads that read "brave" "happy" "fun" "new friends" and have her help you make it.

Other than that, I really liked SH's suggestion that this, too, shall pass. Kids go through adjustment periods, cry, and then move on. During your bedtime conversations when she gets negatively focused, ask her to think beyond the hard moments 'So, what helped you to feel better?' "What were the other kids doing then?" "Who did you play with today?" "So, when that happens, what will you do next time?" When she displays improved coping skills, give those stories lots of positive "You know, you are figuring that out!(or 'so how did you figure that out/know what to do?)" or "Wow... that's just what I would have done, too!" or "and how did that feel for you?" Give her a chance to notice herself becoming more comfortable and capable.

She's getting used to a new routine that's still uncertain to her. Remember how big the lunch room seemed when you were her size? If she's having a hard time finding her teacher or aide maybe she needs glasses? Get her eyes checked. I'm saying this becuase I always had a tough time finding people - but I needed glasses and had no idea until many years later.

Consider going to her school after hours and have her take you around to her classroom the lunch room, the bathroom, etc and let her gain some confidence that she knows her way around more than she realizes. She sounds like I was at that age, I'd get turned around, think I was somewhere else and start crying - wandering the halls...

call the teacher too - let her know that your kids is one of the sensitive ones. The teacher is trying to learn each kids' name and personality - you're helping the teacher know your child needs a little extra encouragement - or to be seated by one of those perpetually happy and outgoing kids for now.

Acknowledge her feelings - if she says she's scared she can't find her teacher and she'll get in trouble if she doesn't get to her class on time after lunch - say something like "It sounds like you feel a little scared that the teacher might get mad at you if you get lost or cry (or whatever). You know Miss Smith knows all about kindergartend kids who get lost. I bet she has 3 or 4 kids every year who get lost - she's going to be looking for them. BUT - I think maybe you're getting yourself kind of scared when you probably aren't going to get lost at all! Maybe you're a little scared THINKING you're going to get lost - but look, you've made it through a whole week and you found your way to your teacher and classmates every time! Wow - I think you're doing way better than you think you are!" Then tell her a story from your kindergarten years. Tell her you felt a little timid when you were 5 too. Maybe find a picture of yourself when you were in kindergarten so she can realize that you went through the same thing. Perhaps your mom can tell your daughter a story about when you came home from school your first week.
I always found that my kids did really well dealing with adversity and fear until they saw me, or could get a hug, then they dissolved in to tears. Realize your child is crying in your arms becuase she feels secure there - and she's prbably being pretty strong at school.
Finally, consider asking a few girls over for a playdate and maybe spark a little friendship between the classmates.
We all lived through those first few weeks - and it's just as tough on mom as it is on the child!

Updated

I did the same thing in Kindergarten.......it will just run its course - I wish there was more advice I could give......

When my son started a new daycare it was new for him to cry but for a couple of weeks he'd cry nearly everyday. I copied a picture of he and I and he carried it around with him throughout the day.

My guess, and I am worried about my daughter doing this too, is that it is the amount of independence that is expected that is frightening to her. I mean think about it. They are expected to walk from the bus to the right classroom by themselves, go through the lunch line by themselves, visit the bathroom by themselves.

How many times do you usually hold your daughter's hand walking from a parking lot to a building. Now you aren't there.
Who normally serves her lunch? Does she pick it out and carry it herself? Probably not.
Are there usually 30+ other kids all wanting to play with her toys? Nope.

One thing that helped in the past, and I hope helps next week is that we get a copy of the lunch menu for the fridge. We talk each day about what they will choose from lunch, or we decide to pack lunch. If you pack her lunch, include a funny little note or joke. My hubby did this every day for my son (11y) last year, we kept all of them. My son came to look forward to them. His friends would get a kick out of them. Nothing sappy, just fun.
Ex. He included a small snack size Hershey, the note said 'NO COOKIES FOR YOU!!!'

Ex. Thurs before leaving for a ATV trip, the note said 'I WANNA RIDE, I WANNA RIDE ... in 2 days (commercial theme song for Honda bikes)
Friday the day of leaving 'I GONNA RIDE, I GONNA RIDE, I GONNA RIDE...TONIGHT!'

It can take some kids awhile to learn to roll with the changes - some take a month or two.
Often, trying to make it easier just doesn't work.
Avoid sending a lovey to school.
If it gets lost/stolen/damaged she'll be even more upset - it happens to someone every year.
Teddy can wait for her on her bed at home safe and sound.
Be positive.
Talk about the good stuff.
Did she have fun?
Did she make anything?
Is there a friend she likes?
Then when she's calm, ask her what bothers her about the lunchroom.
The rest of her class is there.
They are not upset.
By the end of the year she's going to be an old pro at this.
It's hard but if you are worried about her being worried you can develop an emotional feedback loop - kids do pick up on our emotions.

Ask her teacher if she has suggestions of what you can do at home. The teacher may tell you that she is behaving like 1/2 the class and it will resolve itself in time.

It is tough knowing that your little one is crying while she is away from you. Be sure to let her know that when you come to volunteer you are there to help ALL the children, not just her. She'll have to follow the rules whether her Mom is in the room or not.

Good Luck,

m

Prepare her for the change ahead of time. Talk about who she has to talk to if things in the classroom get moved. Encourage her to think up "problems" that may arise during the day and help her figure out how to deal with them. What if she takes a wrong turn while walking to lunch? What if someone or she misplaced her book? What if she leaves her backpack in the lunchroom? What if the daily schedule changes? What happens during a fire drill? You get the idea :) Kids like this need to know what to do before the "change", so the more you help her come up with solutions the more confident she will be. She should also have a "failsafe option", so if something happens and she hasn't prepared mentally for it, she goes to talk to X person and they will always help, for instance. Good luck, and yes, this too shall pass :)

At our grandchildren's school you can go up and eat lunch with them. Maybe you could tell her if she doesn't cry when you leave that you can come up and eat with her one day or several days. I don't think I saw if you are a working mother or stay at home but if you could do that it might help for just the lunch time. Maybe not, but you know your daughter and if that would make it worse or not. She will adjust and grow more mature but sometimes it's so painful to observe and not be able to help with the process and yet you are helping by being there when she gets home to listen to her and talk about her day, etc.

Have you considered putting her in half-day kindergarten? I was the little girl who cried every day in first grade because it was too long, but I was fine when I had been in half-day kindergarten. I was so upset at being gone so long from my mom and sister that my mom eventually held me back and put me back in half-day kindergarten for a second year. It was the best thing she ever did for me, and I ended up skipping a grade in junior high and caught back up, so to speak, when I was ready to. So maybe she just isn't ready to be gone from you all day. My friend's daughter cried the first whole semester of kindergarten. She was miserable for quite some time before adjusting and their school didn't offer a half-day option and her mom wasn't willing to hold her back a year so they all just had to deal with it. Now she is in third grade and very happy and adjusted so she eventually came around.

You are doing everything right, Mom. She just has to get through the transition and it will take time.

She is substituting the teacher for a mommy figure in her mind. I don't actually think that it would be smart to start volunteering until she makes the transition. If you come in before she is used to things, she might fall apart when you leave, or on days that you don't come.

Peer pressure will help her stop crying soon enough. Ask the teacher to give her a heads-up when things are changed so that she can cope with it better.

Good luck!
Dawn

Does Teddy have to stay in the backpack? In my kiddo's kindergarten class there were a few kids w/ lovies with them. Have you talked to her teacher about letting her have it for a few weeks?

She got scared and lost when she couldn't find her teacher. She was probably embarrassed too. I would just give it time. She'll find her footings soon.

It just has to work itself out. The more I fed into the tears, the more they happened. I really tried to focus on other things to make her happy about school. The more you dwell on the sad feelings, the worse you make it.

After about 3 weeks of on & off crying, DD finally got used to Kinder. You have to remember that this is a HUGE transition for them - more expectations, more rules, more kids, bigger school, etc., etc. The crying is normal & can't be prevented sometimes.

I don't know if I'd go to meet her for lunch - it will probably just get her upset & freaking out about wanting to be with you & to go home.