What Goes Through Your Head When You Meet Families...

Well I have 3 biological children as well as a stepson. They are all amazing and wonderful and healthy and I am greatful for that. However, I always thought that I would have another baby after I got re-married.For whatever reason that hasnt happened. I am ok with it most of the time but it stings when it feels like everyone around me is pregnant.

I am an only child. I'm 44. I hate that I'm an only child. But I have a very small family. I don't know my dad or his side of the family and everyone on my moms side has died except her. So when she is gone I don't have anyone. I didn't marry until I was 30 and had a boy and girl in my 30's. I wanted to have 4-6 kids to fill that void I have always felt. But being older, some health problems I had and my kids had, and financially, I decided not to have any more. I hate that my kids don't have aunts and uncles, won't have cousins except for distant ones. I think its normal to wonder if you only have boys what it would be like to have a girl, or wish that you did. I think ulitmately I feel blessesd with the family I do have but admit its hard sometimes too.

I have two girls. I LOVE my two girls! I had always wanted boys though. I NEVER wanted girls at all lol! Funny how life works! I didn't want dresses and prom....I wanted hunting, trucks, and trouble lol! I Still have the trouble LOL!

With my first, as I stated, I wanted a boy. I was actually really upset to find out she was girl. She was high needs, colicky, I had PPD it was a wreck! I swore to only have one after how awful it was. Then after a year and she was different, sweet and amazing lol! My DH always wanted at least two. I was still happy with just the one. His family wanted us to keep trying until we had a boy as the name dies with my husband now. They have never wanted anything to do with my DD. So with the second I wanted another girl! We compromised and agreed to have just the two before we started trying again. When they said girl again at the ultrasound I cried with joy! The in laws said hopefully they are wrong and we could always try again!

Well my friends all have the other situations. I have a friend with two boys...who yep I get jealous of at times. And she tells me she is jealous of me lol! She wants at least ONE girl to do the girly things with lol!

My other friend has a boy and two girls...I also get jealous of her! She has one of each and an extra!

I sometimes wonder if we should have tried again for my little man who would have been named, Sawyer. I however really don't think I could have three and be sane. I am a very impatient person and child and baby are really h*** o* me. I don't think I would be a very mom to more. I almost morn not having my little boy. But then again having a third girl wouldn't have made this feeling go away lol! I think everyone goes through the what ifs. Whether you have one or ten!

I have four, boy girl boy girl. When I meet parents of multiples I usually eye around for their hip flask. :p

I have 2 kids, one of each gender.
Lucky right? Some Moms would hate me for that.
I can't help it.
My kids were just born this way.
So why feel 'comparing' to other families?

Well, the feeling lucky part is not about how many or which gender your child(ren) is.
Even when I just had my daughter (she is the eldest) for 4 years before having my son... I never blinked an eye at other families regardless of how many kids they have or not or what gender.
I am just me and this is the child(ren) I have.
I do not 'wonder' in a jealous way.... about other families.
Why should I?
No one knows, their back story.
Nothing is a peachy, as it seems.
Everyone has terrible or good days.

I have a friend who has 4 girls.
I also have a friend who has multiples.
I also have a friend who has only 1 child.
I also have a friend who has 3 kids, all of the same gender.
I also have friends, who have 2 kids like me, one of each gender.
I have friends, who have all boys.
I also have friends who were an 'only' child themselves.
I also have friends who came from big families.

I really don't care, what other people's family make-up is, compared to mine. Nor do I compare.
That is really self-sabotaging... to compare all the time.
Where does it stop?
I am just me. And that is all that matters.
And my kids, do not 'compare' themselves to others either. Not yet anyway. Thankfully.
Because, I don't go around comparing people/things/appearances, either.
So hopefully, my kids will grow up, not into, comparing.

I feel jealous of people with no kids.

Seriously though, I know what you mean. And I don't wonder what it is like to have "all girls" or whatever your scenario is. I am not sure why, but it may be because I have three, two boys and a girl.

I think a lot of people have one and done and are soooo happy with that decision. I remember when we just had the one. It was SO much easier. Life was easier. I could spend more time with just her. Cherish that.

Best wishes.

I can honestly say I do not nor have I ever felt this way although if I didn't have children I believe I may be envious of those with children. I am sure however I would have adopted so then I would not feel that way. I just feel so blessed to be raising my 2 daughters. My son passed away when he was 17 days old. I made a conscious decision 10 years ago when he died to not ask why things happen, especially horrible almost unspeakable things. I know I will never have the answer and no one can give me an answer in this life time so I simply don't go there. I feel I was so naive before about the hand life will deal you and when I see a family that has a boy especially around my sons age I always say a prayer for them that they will never know the pain I know. My 3rd child was born 2 years after my son passed and I will just always be so grateful for having her.

Our thoughts control our emotions, so we need to take control of our thoughts. When you catch yourself with these thoughts, replace them with a positive thought, every time. It works!

I have 3 boys, a 2 1/2 year old and my twins are 8 months....I "always wanted" all boys, and I got them. I ALWAYS wanted twins, just never thought i would actually get them but I did, naturally. Now, we are done having babies, double done is what the doc's call it because i had a tubal and hubbs had a vasectomy. financially we couldnt do it and after my last pregnancy i'm scared to get pregnant again.....BUT now i sooooooooooooooo badly want a little girl!!! the past couple of days now i have been thinking how i miss being pregnant. we would love to adopt, but there is no way we could afford it....i guess we just have to learn to be okay with not having what we think we need. i am so glad that i'll never have to do the sleepless nights, the every 2 hour feedings, etc...but I also know, if miracle of miracles i was to get pregnant again i would welcome the baby with open arms...my hubby tells me that with 3 sons, we'll probably get at least one grand daughter....lets hope he is right!!! good question by the way!!!! it is nice to know that someone other than me feels similar!

This sounds crass, but picture your little girl dying tomorrow. That will help you appreciate what you have right away!

You're suffering from a bit of "the grass is greener" syndrome. Someone with the same syndrome may be looking at your family and thinking, "Maybe it would have been better to have a small family." It's unproductive, though.

Maybe getting to know the families you meet better (when you can) - asking questions, knowing what really goes on at their homes - will help you realize that those families have challenges and limitations, too. it's possible to be happy for others and content with yourself.

My husband and I have one by choice and circumstances. We love it. When we see large families, I really can't help it, I think "How in the hell do they do it??" It's not for me, I would go crazy. I know this about myself. I'm sure others look at our small family and wonder how we can feel "complete" with one. In fact, I know they do because many people have asked. That's ok (although I've NEVER questioned large families on why they have so many kids. How rude!) Families come in all shapes and sizes. It's natural to wonder. What's not ok is to judge others' choices and make them feel bad for it.

Normal! It's ok to feel that way, but then you look at what you have and realize how truely blessed you are! Atleast your being honest, and I respect that. I had a friend that I truely respected and loved, she was married for 20 year's and wasn't able to have children. Well when my husband and I found out we were expecting our 2nd she didn't seem too happy about it, which I was fine with and I didn't flaunt it or anything. But when I gave birth to our son she just literally "cut off" our friendship, it hurt my feelings only because I respected her as a "good" friend and she just stopped talking to me. But then I somewhat thought about it and felt alittle bad-sad. Although I can't relate to how she felt the fact that she can't have children but I sometimes wonder how I myslef would re-act if I was in her position. My point is your blessed rather one child or seven children, the fact that you carried and gave birth to alittle angel should be satisfiying enough. Don't think about you only having one child, think about the future and how many grandchildren you may have! You just never know...When you have those thought's think about your daughter and the wonderful things to come as you watch her grow..It's a blessing my dear!

I am so thankful for my only adopted daughter I couldn't imagine our lives any different, not for one second. I was fortunate enough to adopt my biological niece (I got her at 10 days old with nor prior plans for it at all) but that came with years of legal struggles and issues with the bio mom. We never tried for our own, felt absolutely, totally complete with her. Prior to her I never had in mind what I wanted but I learned she was IT!

I have one half sister that I have never met and a full sister I don't talk to. Just because we have siblings doesn't mean we will be closer.

I am an only. More than fine with it. I'm independant and happy.
I didn't have to share my stuff with a sibling as I was growing up. I didn't have to 'deal with' whatever a sibling wanted to watch on tv or do whatever they wanted to do. I didn't have to share a bedroom. I had a closer relationship with my mom (for the most part) because I didn't have to share time with my parents with a sibling. I didn't have a sibling keeping me awake at night...... I could go on forever for the reasons I enjoyed being an only my entire life. While I do have step brothers, they are considerably older than I am and it really didn't change my 'only child' loves. They were teens when my mom married their dad and were almost never home.

I look at a mother with more than 2 and say, "wow, she's got her hands full." Same for someone with twins. I don't envy them. I offer help. : )

I just got the Adiana procedure done recently (plugging the falopian tubes). We will not be having any more. And while I think, "Man, this is it. No more breast feeding. No more baby stuff..." I also think, "Well, someday (hopefully) I can experience grandbabies." Or friends babies... Without the several wakings, crying, potty training all over again, expense of diapers, infant child care while I work, breaking the paci habit, etc.

I tell myself all the pros and cons. I make myself feel better IF I even begin to have those thoughts.

It's natural to feel "jealousy" I think over many situations. E.g. Jealous over my friend having curly hair when I have stick straight. My career friend with no kids, living for herself, when my life as a SAHM revolves around my family. But my point is, is that it is natural to feel "the grass is greener over there."

So what is the solution: Count your blessings. Write them down. You have a "beautiful, healthy daughter that you can pour your resources into exclusively--to help her blossom into the wonderful woman she is meant to be." When you feel jealous or envious...pull out your list.

Or spend some time at the home of a mother with multiples to see how chaotic it is! I met this one mom and she has one child and she told me that she goes to homes of parents with multiples and it is so chaotic compared to her home.

If that doesn't work and when you are in your own little "pity party--party of one", maybe volunteer at a child crisis nursery or children's hospital or a domestic violence shelter doing something--doing anything to help another woman or child less fortunate.

For the longest, I was single and had no kids but my sister had 1, then 2, then 3...she had 5 when I had my 1st and only. She now has 13 kids. I'm married and only have my 1 son. Hubby and I are trying to conceive a child from our marriage to each other but it hasn't happened yet. I'm 44 and will be 45 in a few days. I have helped in the raising of some of my sister's kids. I was there for the birth of her latest addition this past May.

If you want more kids, go for it. Adopt of something else. If you don't, it's not fair to yourself to torture yourself over what other people have. Stop the madness and stop the torture. What your thoughts and check yourself with the reminder of just how happy and blessed you really are because you really are.

My advice to you is to redirect your thoughts. When that negative tape starts in your head, acknowledge it and stop it in its tracks. Then shake it off, replace it with something else and keep it moving. "oh you ugly green monster, I see you. Now be gone. I want to have a good day with my girl today." My redirect is to say I love you. When an ugly thought jumps up, I banish it by saying "I love you." I don't know why. I'm not even saying it to anyone, but it works for me. Then, I change the subject in my mind to something else. A lot of people say "the Devils a Liar" Find something to snap you out of it. It really works.

When I just had one 11 yr old daughter, I did not feel any jealousy when I saw larger families. I did feel jealousy when I saw little girls with great daddies. Because my girls dad lived 6 hours away and wasn't there for her. I was sad for her when a father daughter dance would come up and also felt I had deprived her of siblings. ALthough those feelings were there, we had great fun together and really enjoyed our lives together. She and I were a team. Me and my girl against the world. Now, we're all older and I have 2 new little ones, so she does have a brother and sister now. But I wouldn't trade that time when it was just me and my girl. We are really close and have a special bond.

Oh gosh yes . . .

My tape plays: "gee, why didn't I have more kids when I was young and fertile? Why does my younger son have to cope with living without his brother part-time [I'm divorced and remarried]. Why does my older son have to toggle between two worlds? What was I thinking when I was younger? Why didn't I have my head on straight? And why, by the time I did, was it too late for me to have more kids?"

Believe me, many of us do that sort of thing. The one thing that really helps me is that I know God works all things for the good of those who love Him.

Have faith.

Don't let the devil steal the joy from the blessings in your life.

My sister is like you, in her 40s and has one daughter, 13. She always wanted four children. I know that many times she has felt resentment towards me for having three children. The only people I sometimes feel jealous of are those with no children at all.

I think even if you are happy with things as they are, a part of you will always want more kids! I think this is completely normal. Even if the sane answer is to leave things as they are, it's going to be hard sometimes to not wonder or wish. I remember reading another post on here awhile back a lady who had three kids and knew anymore was insane as they were already crazy busy and financially strapped...but still, she WISHED for more kids and wondered if any moms out there ever stop wanting to have more kids even when the sane part of your brain has you stop :)

Have you ever considered becoming foster parents? I don't know why you chose against adoption, but this is an option if you're longing for some additional parenting and growing a bond with other children. Its a great way to be of service to this world and a very important job! If you have questions about it you can contact probably your department of social services or child and family services (it's different in every state.) Or I can try to answer questions you have as I used to work for the state human services department with foster parents. Good luck!

I love my clan of 4 and can't really imagine my life without each and every one of them, but when I see families with one or two I fantasize about what that would be like. I imagine exotic vacations to faraway places, having the time and money to send kids to summer camp and music lessons and sports. My kids dressed in new clothes instead of hand-me-downs, having in their own rooms that are actually filled with nice matching furniture and accessories instead of a mish-mash of stuff that looks like a college apartment.

My kids have a lot of friends who are "onlies" (some by choice, some by chance). These are the friends who get to go cool places and do cool things with their parents that would be logistically and financially impossible for us. My kids think these friends are so lucky because they don't have to share everything they have, they get their own space, etc.

So from time to time for all of us the grass is always greener, be it a small family wondering what another child or two would be like or a large family wondering how things would be with one or two fewer. Totally normal!

K.,
You and I are in exactly the same boat. I always wanted 2 or more and due to medical issues, etc., just have one 4 year old daughter (the light of my life!). I am 40. I have had 11 miscarriages (3 IVF's and 3 IUI's too) trying trying trying to have another. I am officially done trying, just can't take the losses anymore. Just wanted you to know that you don't need to feel guilty and you certainly aren't crazy. No Momma who has more than 1 child can tell you how to feel because they seriously do NOT understand what we go through/are going through. I am just psyched I can see pregnant people and not feel jealous as heck anymore! I keep trying to change my thoughts (a poster mentioned that) to positive ones of how blessed I am with my sweet girl. Really, it is the only thing that we CAN do. Many hugs. I feel your pain. Enjoy your daughter. I know many who weren't EVER able to conceive. I try (and it is hard sometimes, believe me!) to remember MY one sweet blessing. Take care of yourself and don't be so h*** o* yourself. You have every right to grieve for the life (with multiple children) you thought you would have. I do.
Many blessings,
B.

It's normal how you feel, grass seems to be always greener on the other side. I'm sure others see your life as winning a lottery, a healthy daughter and 20 yrs happy marriage. it's a blessing to experience pregnancy and to have a child, so many women can only dream about it ( it's heartbreaking)
Having a daughter is having a best friend for life. I'm sure a mom of a few boys would like a girl and a single mom has a hope of finding a great guy. God gives you what you need not what you want.

On the fun note, think of how much drama you don't have to deal with the big family. How much money you are saving on college tuition, and what a great retirement you will be having.

I have a half brother and a step brother but they live with my dad and I had very limited contact with them so I always considered myself to be an only child. There were times when I wished I had a sister or brother but I think I turned out just fine. I do worry a little bit about things as my mom ages, although she's not very old right now, and knowing that when something does happen that it's going to fall completely on me.

My husband and I have one daughter and she's our only child. We only planned for one and we are done now. I get a little envious sometimes when I see pregnant women or kids in my daughter's preschool class that have siblings. Looking back now, I think it would have been nice to have a second child, although we really couldn't afford it.

Hi - I think it's normal to wonder. We can only take one path through life so there are so many other paths not taken. We have two children, and while we are crazy in love with our family of four, life was easier with just one! Sometimes I miss being able to focus on one child. Maybe you could try making more of a conscious plan to really enjoy the perks of a smaller family, such as having more time for yourself for something you enjoy, and more disposable cash to do something special with your only daughter and perhaps her close friend. Then what you've lost won't be at the forefront of your mind all the time, rather what you've gained.

I adopted a child at age 43, my oldest were older teens, I just didnt feel Done and I would have always felt regret if I hadnt. I still stare longing at families of four children but I do not feel the need to have another.

You already touched on the key issue. Your thoughts. Your "tape" runs automatically and mostly unconciously. Most people try to ignore the tape or argue with it. I choose to get curious about my automatic, negative, irrational thoughts and to make them as concious as possible. I write the thoughts out on large sheets of paper and then get really curious about them. When you put them on paper it creates space for you to really see them and to question their validity.

Our core beliefs were created in our childhoods by the meanings we put to our experiences. We then internalize those meanings into belief system that we stuff deep into our unconcious. We hardly ever stop to question the real truth about those thoughts.

You are "torturing" yourself with a series of thoughts that are based on "shoulds/shouldn'ts". For example, "I should have had more children," or "my daughter should have siblings." Become curious. Ask questions from that curiousity. "Is that really true?", "What are the benefits for my daughter?", "What do I imagine is so much better for other people?", "What fears are behind the "should"?, "Am I really believing I am a bad mom or that I am doing something wrong?" etc.

Curiosity, awareness, and questioning are what sets us free from our irrational tapes. I know many say to just replace the negative thinking with positive thinking. I have found that this actually reinforces the negative thinking and has a tendency to drive the negative thoughts straight back to the unconcious which then gives them more power. You need to stop resisting what is, embrace that you really believe this stuff, question it. I am a great admirer of "The Work" by Byron Katie. She states: "I don't let go of my concepts-- I question them. Then they let go of me."

I can relate. We lost our 5 yo twin at 21 weeks pregnancy. I really miss that twin. Even though he's 5 now, there are times I could almost cry when I see someone with twins. I wonder if it gets any easier. Don't get me wrong. I'm very grateful for the kids I have, but I still miss the ones I didn't get to meet, especially the twin.

I'm struggling with this right now, too. I have three boys, and desperately want a girl. But I'm getting divorced now, so who knows if I'll ever have the chance for a girl? I get suddenly and extremely jealous when I hear that someone just had a baby girl. I get mad at my soon-to-be-Ex, because, well, it's his fault that we're getting divorced (he's abusive) and then all the emotions from that surface. I'm mad that I have no clue if I'll ever have another baby, and I LOVE babies. And then it's only 50% that it'd be a girl, so the chances are super slim. And then I get mad that he put me in this position because this isn't how my life was supposed to turn out.

I think that maybe I just need to grieve for the loss of my dreams before I can be okay with what my life has turned out to be. Maybe you haven't grieved yet? I obviously don't know. But just trying to convince yourself that you don't have the right to feel sad that you only have one child (by telling yourself how great she is, and finding out that adult "only children" are fine when they grow up, and telling yourself that you have to be content with what you've got) is denying how you really feel. Work through your true feelings, and then those other thoughts of feeling grateful for the blessing of your wonderful daughter will be more meaningful.

Totally normal! I have 2 boys and a stepson and I think "WHERE is my girl"?! Especially when people have 2 or 3 little girls!!! I love my boys tons... But would have liked to have a girl! Normal!