What Do You Do When a 16 Year Old Is Acting Out?

Hi

You have a right to be concerned. Your first job is to love her no matter what. She is doing things to get attention. She is hurting. She wants to be accepted but in the past, being like everyone else hasn't turned out very good. Hone in on what makes her happy and do more of that with her. Spending time with her will not only let her know that she is alright with you, later, she will realize that she can feel alright about herself. It takes time to recover from lifes beatings. And from what you've said, she has been through a lot in her short life. Support and love her to death! As for her being around the children, she has to respect the house rules. And like anyother child, boundaries must be set. Talk with her counselor about this. Getting help is a good thing. But don't make her feel like a science project. She is half grown, so giving her responsibilites will make her feel needed and welcomed.
These are just a few tips. I am the oldest of four. My youngest sister is fifteen. I also used to work in a group home for teenage girls.

Stay encouraged and continue to do everything possible to take an objective look at the situation. In the end, you both will benefit from this. And I am hoping that your cousin finds a place where she feels safe to open up.

I was a teenager once who like your cousin was sent away because my parents couldn't handle me. I really didn't think I was that bad. I just needed the right attention and she does too. First, she's an adolescent which you've already heard but her hormones are going crazy and she feels like the only people she can relate to are other teenagers with raging hormones as well. I'm not only referring to sexualy either. Step back, breathe and try to see just what identity she's really trying to achieve cause I can almost guarantee you it's not the one that gets her in trouble. It just seems to be the one that gets her the most attention. She's just being creative with her goth look. Most of us tried to pull it off at some poiont or another. Mine was ususally only during Halloween but I did try. Maybe she's better at it. Does she like creative make-up like movie set props? How about giving her a real makeover? Once I saw myself like a little lady and realized people saw me differently, my outlook changed. She's bringing and old attitude to a new situation. Life is about evolving. Why not try and help her see a new way of looking at herself and not what others want to see of her. Good Luck! Email me back if you have any questions.

There is more going on with her than just the goth look, she is into something dark and probably very scary. It sounds to me like she may be into a religion where the worship of satan or evil is going on. There are modern day vampires, or people who think they are and generally there is something very evil with the belief and practice of vampires. I would suggest getting her to a specialist who deals specifically with that disorder and not just someone who deals with troubled teens, I think she has moved past the troubled teen arena. I do wish you the best and hope that everything will work out to the best. I am not sure if you are a Christian but I would consider also getting her into a faith based program. Good luck.

A.,

Do your daughters ever ask why she looks or acts the way she does? My daughter turns 18 in Jan. She went thru a black faze. I thought she might be going goth, but she never took it as far as alot of kids at school. I think with her, and alot of the others, she was trying to find her own individuality. Something that no one else can control. Before, when I saw kids like your neice I thought.."where is your mother"? Now, I realize some of those wild lookin kids are friends with my daugher and have been at my house! Most of them are extremely talented and strong people!

Get to know your neice. Spend time with her without your own children if possible. Get to know her feelings and who she is. You may come to understand why she doesnt want to be "NORMAL"... but what is normal these days?

As for her not behaving like going home on the bus with her BF? Dont give her the chance to mess up in that sense, pick her up at school. And if the chance arises, pick him up also and spend time with the two of them together. Then you can have a look into their relationship and get a hint as to whats going on there. Take them to the mall and walk around, cook dinner with them...ect. Talking is the key to getting inside. Thats what I found with my oldest daughter. Now I find alot of her friends talk to me and trust me when they dont even trust their own parents. (which is sad)!!

As for not taking a shower or brushing her teeth? If she refuses to do these things, take away the boyfriend. Take away the pc. Dont allow her to "hang out" with friends. Otherwise, take her to the dentist and have her teeth cleaned! (everybody hates that)

A. - you've gotten some pretty good advice and thoughts from others and I just want to ask something of your neice, is she just dressing goth, or is she into any kind of Wiccan (witchcraft) activity as well? Not all kids are, but some do tend to go the route of the 'dark side' and then it does become dangerous. My husband and I have two children (now 20 and 17), and we have worked with youth for many years in faith based youth programs. I've seen kids that do this just for attention, and I've seen kids that do this because they are messing with satanic stuff and they shouldn't be - even dabbling shouldn't be messed with - evil is evil - there is no such thing as just a little evil.

I am glad to hear that she is seeing a counselor, just be sure the counselor is a good one - sometimes there are bad ones out there that can do just as much damage as good (unfortunately). I do believe what the other mom's have said, that it's probably just a phase as she's trying to find her individuality - but she does probably have some issues with acceptance and feeling loved due to the situation she's come from. Yes, your parents do need to be setting boundaries for her, because she is living in their home - so they make the rules - she's just staying there.

I do hope that things work out for your family - I would also take that advice of talking with her and getting to know her more - sometimes that's really all kids want is someone to listen to them and talk to them and hear who they are and what their hurts are.

There is a program that we run at our church called Life Hurts God Heals and if you want more information about it you can contact ____@____.com's about over for the fall session, but runs again in the spring - it might be something to help her work through her problems with other kids her age. Keep us posted on how she does! Blessings!

HELLO A.,
I AM A MOTHER OF TWO BOYS AND THEY BOTH WENT THROUGH SOME BAD TIMES..MOSTLY TRYING OUT DRUGS. BUT THEY DID GROW UP TO BE GREAT KIDS AND GREAT HUSBANDS. I AM IN ONE WAY AGREEING WITH THOSE THAT SAID SHE IS TRYING TO FIND HERSELF BUT....ALSO AGREEING WITH THAT, WHAT SHE IS DOING IS WRONG AND THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HER DOING THE THINGS THAT SHE IS DOING. I DON'T KNOW IF YOUR PARENTS HAVE THE MONEY TO SEND HER TO BOARDING SCHOOL OR NOT BUT I THINK THAT I WOULD CALL AROUND AND MAYBE EVEN ASK THE COURT SYSTEMS OF A PLACE THAT CAN HELP HER. I DON'T BELIEVE THAT THERAPISTS HELP (MY OPPION) i DO THINK THAT IF SHE WAS MADE TO DRESS ONE WAY AND ATE ONE WAY AND TOOK TO CHURCH IT WOULD HELP. I BELIEVE SHE WILL GROW OUT OF IT. I DON'T SEE TOO MANY GROWN ADULTS DRESSING THAT WAY, BUT WHAT WILL SHE GO THROUGH UNTIL SHE IS GROWN UP? IF SHE IS GOING TO HER BOYFRIENDS HOUSE IS SHE HAVING SEX TOO? IF NOT SHE IWLL BE SOON. SHE REALLY DOESN'T NEED A BABY IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS AND YOUR PARENTS TO SUPPORT THE BABY TOO! I THINK THAT SHE IS REACHING OUT FOR SOMETHING AND HER PAST DOESN'T HELP. MAYBE IF YOU GET HER INTO A GROUP HOME THAT CAN HELP? SHE NEEDS DIRECTIONS AND SOMEONE THAT CARES...TUFF LOVE! JUST SAY (NO) THATS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN IN MY HOME! IF SOMEONE DOESN'T GET CONTROLL OF THIS, SHE WILL RUN WITH IT. SHOW HER THERE ARE OTHER WAYS TO EXPRESS HERSELF, AND THAT SHE IS WORTH IT! GET HER INTO HOBBIES AND CRAFTS SOMETHING THAT SHE SHOWS INTEREST IN. ALOT OF LOVE CAN GO A LONG WAY! SHE SOUNDS CONFUSSED AND I FEEL SORRY OF HER AND YOUR FAMILY. GOD' BLESS YOU, AND BEST OF LUCK.