What Did I Do Wrong? Son Related Issues.

I would be angry, too, if my parents would not let me have a say in helping to choose my college.

You don't understand why he is angry with you?

You can't be serious. Give up the control. Let the poor boy decide where he goes to school. You want him to be happy go lucky, when he hates where he is. I wouldn't talk to you either.

Yes.... let him do what he wants.... why does he have to live the life YOU want?

It is his life... let him grow up and start making his own decisions.

If he wants to go to a different school, that is fine....

If you keep pushing this, he will just continue to resent you and be angry at you.

You asked him.
He told you.
You're not listening.

Hum, you are making him go to a school he doesn't want to go to because YOU want him to go to a prestigious school, can't imagine what the problem is...

Oh yeah, it is his life.

Nope, this is all your fault, I feel sorry for your son.

Well, if I were him I'd drop out and go do what I wanted. If he's an adult with no resources he can get food stamps, medical assistance, and even get help to find temporary housing in shelters.

He can apply for financial aid to go to school, live in student housing since his financial aid would be enough to pay for that. He can get it fully furnished and use his food stamps for food.

Then he can start being a grown up and stop doing something he hates. He sounds depressed and who knows, he might take the easy way out since no one in his family can stand up to you either and tell you that he should be able to go to school where he wants.
***********************************************

Please do some research on the suicide rate for college students. It is reported to be as high as 20%.

He's told you he is unhappy, he's told you he wants out, he's told you and YOU DIDN'T LISTEN.

IF he commits suicide to get away from this school are you going to blame him for that too?

I'm sorry, but I'm amazed that you can't see the forest for the trees where your son is concerned. You are treating him like a two year old. No wonder he's mad at you.

I hope that you realize that though you may get your way with him going to the college of YOUR choice, you may lose most of your relationship with him afterwards. Will you be saying "Why doesn't he want anything to do with me?" once he is out of your financial clutches? Or will you say "I shouldn't have pushed him so hard and thrown my weight around when he needed support the most."

Based on what you are saying here, I think it's going to be the first one.

I'm absolutely astonished that you sit here and say "Well, that is his fault, isn't it" about the counselors not helping him. Is that what you're going to say if he gets so depressed that he can't function, or if he does something to hurt himself? "It's his fault"? Even after all his health problems...

You seem to be very, very selfish, mom. It's NOT all about YOU. It's all about HIM. HE'S the one going to college and struggling. You're at home plotting what he's going to do for the rest of his life. It's not your place. If he ends up damaged over this, it will be partly YOUR fault.

Who is paying for this college? If it's you, you're wasting your money.

If you're saddling HIM with paying by making him take out loans that he will have to payback but then not giving him a choice in where he attends you are cruel to the point that you might be doing irrevocable damage to your relationship with him.

If he's 3 years out of high school, that makes him 20-21, right? Isn't it time you teach him HOW to make adult decisions instead of just making him do what you think he should?

Dear God,
Please let this be a troll!!!
Amen

Is this a troll post? Or are you just so focused on what YOU want that you are not hearing your son?

I ask this in all sincerity. You care about the school's 'prestige' and not his experience of it. He wants to transfer and you have told him no.
YOU have shut him down and then wonder why he doesn't want to talk to you? He says he hates it, but you ignore his input and tell people to be supportive of him but only as YOU approve? He's made it clear he's unhappy but you want your way?Even with 'problems at home which weren't his fault but he was affected by'?

Are you even reading this back to yourself?

Wow. How does he handle you, a not-listening, don't-seem-to-care-about-his-experiece/feeling-at-all parent?

Start listening to your son NOW, or be prepared to have no relationship with your grandchildren. Life is hard. Maybe YOU need to *hear* your son and let go of your dreams of his graduating from a prestigious school.

Or prepare for that gap to widen. Frankly, if I were the person saying "this isn't working for me" and someone was saying "life is hard, do it anyway"... well.... not sure I'd want to talk to that person either.

What do you mean "what did I do wrong" and "I just don't understand why he is angry with me"? He hates where he's at and you are making him stay there.

I guess that the only reason he doesn't just up and transfer on his own is because you are paying for it. She who holds the purse strings holds the power. I predict as soon as he becomes financially independent he will be far away and doing the opposite of everything you ever wanted him to do.

It is wrong to use your parental power (the financial dependence and perhaps his general desire to obey and please you) for your own good, at his expense. YOU want to be able to say that your son went to "such and such" prestigious university. Sounds like that's to your benefit and your benefit alone. And the expenses are: his mental health and your relationship with him.

I think you are being stubborn and shortsighted. Sorry. I hope you work it out with him.

Replace your son with my mother and I'll let you know how it turned out.

She attended a very prestigious nursing school in New York, HATED it! Only good thing was her roommate (who later became my aunt). She suffered a huge set back and left. She joined the air force, met my father, married, had 2 kids, and was raising 3 when she returned to a community college that had a nursing course. She graduated with high honours and has had a full and happy life.

Moral of the story...let go. Really, save your money (who ever is paying) and let him go to whatever school he wants. Sink or swim, he does not need you any more. He still wants to attend college, he just doesn't want to attend YOUR college. It's not about where you go to school, it's about what you do when you're there. A person can attend the best school on the planet and still fail horribly or attend the worst school and go on to be the happiest and most successful person possible.

The IVY league isn't for everyone, neither is college for that matter. Heck, I never went to college and am married to a wonderful man with 2 beautiful children.

Good luck.

Yes I know how to handle your son. You should treat him like an adult instead of a 3 yr old. He's old enough to make his own decisions and should be able to attend the college of his choice NOT YOUR CHOICE. He's angry with you? Probably since he's talking and you are not listening to him.

As a parent it's our job to raise our children to live life without us. You are not allowing him to do that. Please don't make this all about you. It's not.

Way to go mom, be as controlling as you can for as long as you can.
Maybe some day he will drop out, and drift away, and then you will never be burdened by him again, right?
Whoo hoo, you win.

What is the big crisis if he transfers to a different college?
Sometimes a college is not a good fit and another school can make all the difference.
I transferred because I discovered I liked something I didn't realize I was going to like and another school had a better program for it than the school I started in.
It was a slightly smaller school but I fit right in and just felt so at home there.
Prestige means nothing if he flunks or drops out.
Please reconsider your position on this.
It sounds like you're being stubborn for no good reason.
You handle your son by listening to his reasons for transferring - what his reasons are for why this new school should be better than his current school (and if he's transferring to be with a girl - I wouldn't agree with that if that was all that was behind his reasoning), and then if it's a sound proposition I'd swallow my pride and tell him it sounds like you've really thought this out - ok - go ahead and transfer.

Are you for real???

He is an adult who is fed up with not being listened to and being controlled by mommy.

Get ready mom...he will distant himself even further...you won't see your future grandkids because he won't EVER want to come home.

Let your adult son be who HE wants to be..not what YOU want him to be.

How to handle a son like this? I don't do this to my kids. We will let them choose which college they go to, what their major is and what job they take.

Your son will resent you forever if you keep pushing him to stay where he is miserable. No matter how smart he is...he cannot keep up with this top notch school.

So guess what mom?? He is not top notch material...and that is OK!!! Let him go where he will be happy.

There is more to life than a resume.

Maybe you need to butt out of your son's life for a minute mom.
He is telling you he is miserable, the counselor isn't helping, and he wants to go to a different college. HE IS IN COLLEGE!!!! He just doesn't want to go to the one YOU picked.
Who are you to go and tell your family and friends that he shouldn't transfer? You are his mother, yes, but you are not in charge of his life anymore. He is a grown adult. If he is in his 3 year then he is about 20/21?
If you keep pushing him to live the life that you want him to and not give him the chance to live the life HE wants to then you will lose a son.
Up to you.
L.

Wow.

I'm not one to cry troll just because your first question is a heavy one, because that was me too. However, I really, REALLY find it hard to believe that you are honestly not understanding why your son is upset.

Never in my history with Mamapedia have I ever seen a question with 42 answers be 100% in agreement. Lady, if you truly can't see why your son is mad at you, then you are the one with serious problems. If you don't change yourself and how you treat your son, you will be wondering why you don't even know your own grandchildren one day.

I do wonder if the post is for real, or a troll, but I've decided to treat it as real, because if it is, you need to hear what's being said to you.

You sound a lot like my mother. Let me give you a quick peek into a crystal ball at what your future could look like.

My mother has continued to try to manipulate and control her children into adulthood. She has never accepted that we grew up and are capable of making our own decisions. When we were first getting started in our adult lives, she tried to use money as a tool to force us to comply with what she wanted us to do and to be. She has continued to try to interfere in our choices about our careers, our marriages, and my child-rearing, all in the name of "knowing what's best for you." As a result of her behavior, neither my brother nor I have the slightest desire to spend time with her. I live 5 days' drive away. I do make an effort to be sure she sees her grandkids once a year or so. Because of her obnoxious behavior towards my spouse, which looks a lot like her behavior towards her children, she is no longer welcome to stay in our house, so when she is here, we put her up in a hotel nearby.

I try to be respectful and polite, and I do care about her, but if she weren't my mother, she would never be my friend. Another result of her behavior is that neither my brother nor I share the details of our lives with her. To do so invites nothing but criticism, endless hectoring, and "advice," so we've simply quit trying.

The last time we were together, my brother and I discussed what to do when she can no longer live on her own. She has been such a pill when she has been in our homes that neither of us want to take her in, so when the time comes, we'll be looking at assisted living facilities.

As my children grow up, I plan to use my mother as my example of what NOT to do. I would like to have a relationship with them when they are grown.

Do you want your relationship with your son to look like mine with my mother? If so, by all means continue with your present behavior.

I'm going to spell this out, because you are not seeing the forest throuigh the trees. Your son, whether to admit it or not, has recently gone through a deep trauma. TRAUMA. Does he maybe need more time to emotionally recover and take a semester off to just be healthy and get his head back together? I don't think you really are giving the trauma (a debilitating illness and issues at home counts as a trauma, my dear) that he has just been through enough weight. Is the illness and issues at home still affecting him a bit, or is he scared of getting sick again and just feeling all alone?

And if he's not telling you an answer, are you sure the answer isn't something embarrassing? Is he getting bullied? Did he get rejected and having rumors spread around about him and his "absence"? That's enough to really hit home with someone that they don't wish to be there anymore, and not like you could blame him for that.

Truth? It's his life. Hard for you to believe, he is an ADULT. And if he wants to transfer, don't just say "No!". Make sure he does his homework. What does he want to study? Why is the school he wants to transfer to a wise choice for his course of study? Will his credits actually transfer as many don't? Does he feel like maybe he's just studying what he is just to make you happy? Is he really happy with his line of study and maybe to look into something else? Why is he that miserable where he is? If he wants to transfer so badly, make him do the homework necessary to make it a viable and well-thought out option.

By the way, don't be so damn elitist. I went to a "top-notch school", and have plenty of friends who went to state schools, and not like they're any more of less smarter than I am, or got any better or worse jobs than I did. And maybe a semester at another school or a few credits made up at a local school that will transfer back is not a bad thing either. One more time, he just underwent a major TRAUMA and maybe just needs a break?

Better a break now and a switch to a school where he'll be happier and perform better, than one he's too upset to be at and ends up flunking out of... or much worse... (a much bigger waste of his and your money, I might add).

OMG! Are you serious?? This isn't about YOU this is about your son. He is miserable.

I have a son in college and he isn't sure about his major. He is having major anxiety about this and has been very confused. He told us he wasn't sure if he wanted to continue in engineering. When he started he was very focused and knew what he wanted. But ya know, things change and people change and I don't think engineering has been what he thought it would be. He is interested in law enforcement. Yikes!!!

However, you know what I said? I said "I love you and I want you to do what will make you happy. You work in your career for a long time and you damn sure want to do something you love/like."

Sometimes being the Mom is letting them make their own decisions. Its not easy but it is their life. I don't agree with everything my kids do but once they make the decision, I'm their biggest cheerleader. That is my job as the parent of adult kids.

His fault? No, its yours. Handle a son like this? He is TRYING to talk to you, express what is going on and what he is feeling. Get over yourself and let him make decisions regarding his life. If you don't, you will not have a son.

I'm in a similar situation with my daughter. She barely made it through high school, but graduated this past June. All of us, her family that is, told her to go to a local college, but she chose not to. Instead, she moved away to a college several hours away, got a full time job, and got an apartment, paying for most all of it on her own. Her dad and I have helped out as best as we can. You don't know how many times I have asked myself, "Why on earth would she do something like this?" Full time school, full time work, and an apartment to boot in a whole different area. Well, it's HER choice. I tell her daily that I am proud of her and wish her the best.

The moral here is that our children eventually grow up and make their own decisions, their own mistakes. Although we as parents believe that we are wiser and smarter than they are, so we know what is best; our children have to learn life for themselves. Yes, they will make mistakes, but let it be THEIR OWN mistakes, NOT OURS as parents. I say let him find his way. Tell him that you really love him and support his decisions. Who knows, maybe he'll surprise you and continue to stay at this school. Maybe you letting go of the reigns will take away some of the pressure that he may be feeling trying to uphold to your standards. I don't know.

What I recommend is to be humble about it. Tell your son that you love him endlessly and want what it best for him and let it go from there. Support his decisions.

Unfortunately, if you continue to do what you are doing, he will rebel and resent you.

(If this question is real:)

How to handle him? Yeah, let him transfer.

The college experience should not be about "prestige." Prestige is nice, but it is more important that your son has an enjoyable experience. Real learning will not take place in an environment your son hates.

Would you like to be forced to remain somewhere you hated? Then stop forcing your son. I highly doubt he hates it simply because it's hard. The school is not the right fit for your son.

Let your son transfer. I don't blame him for being angry with you. You are making this about YOU, not about him.

Reading below: Every. Single. Person. Disagrees with you. I don't think that has ever happened before in the history of this site -- that 38 responders agree upon an issue. I hope you're listening. But you don't sound like someone who listens, so probably not.

He's an adult. If he wants to transfer, he should transfer. If he won't because of family pressures, maybe that is getting him depressed. Rather than hold him to an artificial label when he is screaming that he hates it, support him and let him go where he is happy, where he is likely to finish, and let him finish whatever major he wants, even if it's basketweaving. This isn't about you anymore. It's not your life, your education, or your butt in the classroom. Give him some space. Don't push him into your dreams...or possibly further into depression. If you are more worried about the name on the diploma than your son's well-being, then YOU should find YOURSELF a counselor.

Life is hard. And you are making his harder. I'd be angry with you, too.

He is angry, because you are controlling his life. He is an ADULT!!!
It's not his fault. You are being a controlling jerk, not a parent. A parent wouldn't behave in such a manner. You WILL lose your son, and it is YOUR fault.

Just because a school is prestigious, or a "good school" does not mean it is a good fit for every student. Evidently, it isn't a good fit for your son.

What does it really matter where he goes if he is miserable?

Have you seen the latest news articles on the costs of such schools? The general outlook is: You graduate with no better chance of a job, and 3 times the amount of debt. And, your son gets to be miserable to boot. Nice.
I would imagine it may also impact whether or not he even finishes... have you considered that?

Where does he want to transfer to, and why? Have you actually discussed his reasons with him, or just shut him down b/c you didn't like the idea?

You pushed him to go; now you're pushing him to stay where he says he's miserable. No wonder he doesn't want to talk to you. It may be a while before he wants to talk to you again.

This is HIS life; you are making him life the life YOU want. Maybe you should consider what he wants. If he makes a mistake, he will suffer the consequences and hopefully will learn.

I think you need to back off.

Yeah you need to quit acting like a jerk and listen to your kid. That's how you deal with this situation.

It sounds like that school isn't the right fit for him.

You are letting the history of the school cloud what is best for your son. Technically he is an adult and could transfer without your permission.

I would let him transfer to a school that he feels more welcome at. The important thing should be that he feels comfortable and confident in school and learns to thrive there. He doesn't sound like he is thriving, just surviving.

Have you considered that if he is unhappy and depressed he is unlikely to do well in school. Having mediocre or failing grades probably won't do him much good even from a prestigious school. Let him transfer.

Also, I hope you haven't picked his major too.

Geez, seems obvious to me that he's angry because you won't let him transfer. He's in college. I suggest you let him decide based on his needs snd how to order his life. It's not like he wants to quit school. He is an adult.It's time to let him make decisions about his life. Why does the prestige of the scool matter? What matters is that he learns in an atmosphere compatible with who he is.

Consider that allowing him to make this decision as a eay for him to learn how to make decisions. It may be that he'll decide to return to your school of choice. It may be that his choice will work better for him. You have no way of knowing what is best. We all learn from the choices we make. Give him the opportunity to learn now when the stakes are not so high. He eill get an education at either school. He will be more likely to succeed when he is where he wants to be.

I haven't read every other answer but I bet that what I'm thinking has been expressed by others, too: He may be depressed. Possibly very depressed. He hates school, he is in a place he does not want to be, there was some kind of problem back at home last year that may still be upsetting him, AND mom (and dad?) pressure him to stay where he is. Your post gives an impression that your response to all that might be, "Well, he needs to man up and deal with how hard college is!" But a person who is depressed has a medical condition -- and being told to stick it out, to man up, to toughen up does nothing at all to help a depressed person. It makes things worse.

As a teenager in high school, was he a "good kid" who did whatever you wanted? Took the "right" classes to get into the right colleges as you instructed him? Or was he lazy and needed constant prodding? You need to think about that. If he was a good kid with good grades, he likely is burned out by now. If he was not very academic and only tried to get into this college to please you -- he is also burned out by now.

He needs to make his own decisions. If you are holding out and saying that "We won't pay for college unless you finish at college X in degree program Y," you're not treating him like an adult. You do need to make sure that if he transfers, he does not end up saying again, "I hate it here, I need to transfer to a third place," because that would, to me, indicate he might be in serious trouble and it's his depression that is making him move around because he never feels satisfied. But you cannot know that yet because you can't see past your own ambitions for him. Your ambitions for him are not HIS ambitions but you seem to confuse the two.

It sounds as if he might need to withdraw from school for a time, get some serious therapy, and then transfer. But you will never know if you just focus on "prestige and quality." Are you willing to buy a "prestige and quality" degree at the cost of his mental health?

I knew a guy in college who had been forced to attend our university by his parents. He was told that he MUST do Navy ROTC; he must do it at our particular university; and he would do the major his parents dictated. He knew from the time he was in high school that he wanted to do a different major at a different university and he loathed ROTC. He was the unhappiest person I met in four years of college, because he didn't have the guts to stand up to mom and dad. Your son at least has told you what he wants. Now you need to listen to him. Go SEE him on campus if he will not return calls. But don't see him if you are just going to give him a "pull yourself together" speech.

My son had a friend who had a dad that was a doctor. Father TOLD son that he was going to be a doctor and who he should hang around with. Son went to school studied to become a doctor, graduated. He then changed his mind a few years later to what he wanted to do. Father and son do not speak to each other.

So if you want your son to do the same then keep doing what you are doing.

You will not be part of his adult life when he gets a job/career, marriage, grandchildren. You will be left outside somewhere with no contact.

The key is that he is an adult so treat him as an adult. Your time for parenting has come to an end and now you have and adult child to talk and relate to and with.

Good luck to him and to you. Time to cut the cord.

the other S.

PS Life is too short and too precious to deal with this much drama about going to a "prestigious" school. In the real world who cares so long as you have a degree that you earned in your field. It could come from the local state school.

Stop being such a narcissist....you only want him there because it looks good for you...The poor guy is miserable there...let him transfer to where he'd be happier.

I'd be angry with you, too. He's not a child. He's at least 20, if it's his third year. You are not listening to him. You are not supportive. My husband and I are both professionals (I have a PhD and he has a JD) and I can't tell you how many good students went on to be professional failures because they were doing what someone else told them to do. The school doesn't make the student, and you are pushing him toward failure. I taught in universities for many years - I can promise you, I've seen it many times. Your son doesn't need to be "handled." You need to listen to him.

great first question

As a daughter who's mother pushed her to try to go to a higher college, you should let your son pick what college he wants to go to, wether its a higher college or a community college, at least he is going for a degree of some sort. I ended up not making a good enough grades for a higher college so I went to a community college for a semester but with working crazy hours, I couldn't do both.. I was so stressed from work, my mom nagging me about school and work, and then school itself that I dropped out.. You don't want your son to drop out of school completely do you? If not then let him do what makes him happy. I know I regret dropping out but I am a mother now, I have an amazing husband, step son, and daughter and now I have a reason to go back to college and get a degree. Hope this helps.

I second Emily G's response! You are being a selfish, inconsiderate mom to your son!

He's telling you he is miserable and you are insisting he has to go to the school where you want him to go not necessarily the place where he can thrive.

In his mindset the counselors at the school are not going to help him. His next move would be to flunk out since you aren't hearing him. Perhaps if he is showing you just how he feels you would have a change of heart.

Not all schools are a good match for the temperment of a student. See how he would do somewhere else. The objective is for him to finish and get his degree. Also understand it is his life and if you are able to manipulate him through your money who else down the road of life will be able to do the same with him.

Please stop and think about what is best for him. He has to live everyday in a place he doesn't want to be. Why would you force him to do that? It's just not worth it. Especially considering he could probably transfer back in and get his degree from that school but do the bulk of the work elsewhere that is a better fit for him.

Besides that college isn't the only top notch college.

IF this post is real......

I'd be mad at you too because you don't care what your son's interests are... You just care about what you want him to do.

I think you should let him transfer. If he's not liking it and not doing well and he's not happy, then he is going to hate it so much that he might even just drop out. I'm guessing he is old enough to not need your permission to drop out. He is an adult and should be able to decide which college he goes to. Really, I've heard that once you have a degree, it really doesn't even matter which college you went to. As long as you have the degree, no one really cares where you went to get it. Is this really more about your pride since you mentioned that he wants to go to a less prestige college?

I have a hard time believing this is a real question.

I didn't read the other responses, so I apologize if this is a repeat.

He's mad at you because you put name and prestige above his health and sanity as a person. You love brand names more than him.

He's mad at you because you probably told him that you would withdraw financial support unless he does what you want.

My advice would be to say, "you have x amount of money left for college. Which school you choose to spend it at is for you to decide. Once that money is gone, it's gone and you are responsible for all your expenses."

Cut those apron strings, mom. You both need to let go.

You've gotten a lot of responses that I haven't read, so I apologize if it's a repeat response.
You want your son to be responsible in his education. However it seems like that responsibility lies in what you want and not what he wants. Since he's an adult, he can technically transfer without your permission. I would encourage the transfer, otherwise, he might drop out altogether if he is really that unhappy, or his grades will show his unhappiness and he'll get kicked out. I work at a university, and unfortunately, I see it happen all the time. I think that as long as he still wants to continue his education despite everything, then that's the winning attitude to encourage.

You are hurting your son, and blaming him for it. Isn't he an adult? Let him do what he wants. Your harsh words make my heart ache for your poor son.

If he is crying out to you that he's hurting and is miserable why would you push him to do something?! Is this one of those situations where you didn't pursue your dreams so you're pushing them on him by telling him what he HAS TO DO? LISTEN TO THIS AND TAKE IT TO HEART FOR YOUR SONS SAKE! don't push him just support him! especially if he's at college I mean let's get real what's at every college that lets students "escape"? drugs and alcohol! would you want your son to revert to that to feel better? i think not! I'm not saying he's a bad kid but no matter how "good" you are you can get trapped by addiction. more so when you feel you have no where else to turn. take this from a 23 year old that had the world in front of her until partying became a priority. and I started in my freshman year of high school! please back off of him and be WAYYYYYY more understanding. think of it like this as hard as it is....would u rather see him in school doing amazing (no matter where that is) or dead in a ditch and died miserable thinking his mom might not really care about him? i know the answer so step back and pray your butt off that the Good Lord will help show you the way to reconnect with ur son.