Ugh....going Back and Forth from Wanting One Child or Two....(long, Sorry)

I wish I had followed my biological yearnings and had a 2nd child within a year or two of my first. Hopefully they would be close and not fight constantly. The money will come. I gave my only child all the things I never had(preschool, lessons, art, etc..). To be honest. I spent a ton of money on these things. Her favorite memories are with us and playing.

You said, " I know that we can do it with two, but it would be easier with one."
Well, wouldn't it have been EVEN easier with none???
Ok, I'm playing a bit of devil's advocate here...but yes...it is easier with one...right now. Down the road, it might be easier with 2...they'd have each other to play with, sit with, etc. on all the trips you plan. But maybe further down the road, they will fight and argue and it will not be easier...but maybe in their 20's they'd be inseperable and it WOULD be easier. LOL You can get into "What if's" from here into eternity. And truthfully, is easier always better? If it was...then none of us would have kids, that's for sure!
I have 2 kids and I absolutely ADORE having the 2 of them. In that respect, I'm a bit biased. BUT...I struggled, like you, but even harder, when we decided to even try for one! (We were not going to have kids, PERIOD! But then, something changed...) One thing I can promise you is that you would love another child as much as you love your first. I worried about that too...and it's just amazing how your heart explodes to encompass the new child.
One thing to remember...they are only little and so needy for a short time. Within a few years, those trips you mention would become a reality and instead of "frazzled" family vacations, it might just be as simple as "Ok kids, go pack your suitcase". (Ok, maybe not) but you see what I'm saying. The challenges of young children last such a short time.
I hope I don't sound like I'm trying to convince you to go for 2...it is totally your choice. Personally, I love it and there's nothing like watching your kids play and love each other...but I think there is the right number and the right kid/kids for each family. I don't find 2 much harder than 1..."harder" makes it sound negative...yes there are challenges, but nothing mindboggling. (And I have traveled alone with both of them in an airplane when they were 4 months old and 3 1/2 years old...and survived to tell about it and am currently running the show alone with a 15 month old and almost 4 year old while DH is deployed for a year).
The question that it comes down to...
Do YOU want another child to add to your family?
If yes...go for it...you can do it.
If no...stop where you are.
Either way, I truly believe making the decision is a lot harder than actually raising the kids!

I'll just say a few things I hope will help.

My children are five years apart (5 yr. and 5 weeks, approx) and that works for us, but not for everyone. It was nice to give that full five years to daughter number one. While I was pregnant with daughter number two, I also worried about how I could possibly love another child even close to how much I love number one.

Now that I've got number two, I can't believe I ever thought I might not be able to love her as much. She's now ten months old and I am SO in love with her. I do really, really miss all the alone time with my number one, though, and it's been a process to come to terms with. Something to think about. But she is so loving to her little sister, so helpful, and I know that within the next year we will be able to go back to (close to) what we had as far as spending time together because sister will be more capable of joining in or taking turns with Daddy.

Also, I won't say anything "negative" about the money bit, but I'll just share a little of my own life with you. My husband is disabled and I have a paper route, and illustrate children's books. Because I was so dedicated to staying at home and homeschooling, when my husband became disabled, we have just made it work. We live in a two bedroom duplex (it's not big...thank goodness we have a large basement because it's full of totes and extra toys, done up nicely where we can use it at least!) and it's not too small. We love it. Because we are all at home all the time (of course, we go do things, but no one is working outside the home currently) we spend a lot of time together in a small home...and it's okay.

We can't afford vacations, but we make extra effort to do what we can to make each day a good one...whether it be to play a game, go to the nature center, go swimming, go to a park, take a family walk, go on a bike ride...whatever it may be. Fairs, parades, festivals, holidays, etc. become extra special when those things are what you do special.

So be ever so grateful you can afford to do what you can, but don't forget the small things or the most important things, which are your child(ren). It really sound to me like you want another one, or you wouldn't have went off the way you did.

Sounds like you really need to talk to your husband. What I am just trying to impress on you is that it isn't at all about money or space or this or that or how far you are getting in life or who you can keep up with. It is totally about the love you have...and you have enough love for HOWEVER many children God blesses you with. So I think you should be honest with your husband about what you want. :)

Hope you figure it out...it will be a blessing no matter what you do. :)

You are correct that it is not our decision, but yours and your husband's. Just as food for thought, however: Why do you think it isn't possible to love a 2nd child as much as your first? Love isn't diminished by having more of it. :)
I am not going to say that the cliche about "onlie"s being spoiled... because that isn't always the case, by a long shot. But, it does sound as if that is exactly your plan, in a good way. It doesn't sound like it would be too much harder to have another child, finances wise.
I will say this, too: Sometimes I get more JOY not out of what I am doing with my child, nor watching them do/achieve something, but rather out of watching my two TOGETHER doing/learning/laughing about something that they think I am in the dark about.... Those moments when they don't know I am watching or listening from the kitchen or whatever.
Mine are 12 and 9 years. And I am SOOO thankful that they have each other. They are very close. That obviously isn't something that can be guaranteed. Personalities, family experiences and all sorts of little things come into play with how close they are. But I KNOW that when my daughter finally meets the man she decides to marry, that that guy will have to meet my son's high standards as well. And his girl, will have to meet my daughter's. And I don't doubt that that standard will start being enforced when they start dating---which for our two kids, is a lot closer than I like to think about these days...

FWIW, we just took our 2 to Disney together 2 weeks ago. Son had never been before. But in 10 years... they will have more memories (fun memories) of playing outside in the yard together, cumulatively, than that trip to Disney.

Just a thought here, but have you asked God what HE wants for you?

I have 3 boys. I also wanted 2 kids my whole life. 2 girls. God gave me 3 boys, I am slowly loosing my mind..lol When my 8yo was about 2 I couldn't wait to have another one. My husband and I weren't married at the time and planning out wedding and I couldn't wait to be pregnant! I just absolutly knew I wanted another one.My baby was a total surprise one the two best surprises I ever had(my oldest was the first). Here is what I will share with you do with it what you want. I never went on ski trips or to Disney we only took 1 family vacation and were not poor at all my dad also worked a lot. I thought those things were soo imprtant and I wanted to do those things with my kids wich is why I just wanted 2(like you) I now realize I am just fine and my kids will be fine if they don't ski till there 20. I don't think your materialistic so please don't think I am hinting at that. You don't have to provide your daughter with a sibling. As far as your husband is concerned he will have to get over your daughter acting like a kid...that is what she is acting like when she throws fits at the wrong time(if there's a right time) My husband is the same way he freaks out when the kids start acting crazy. I tell him to get over it they can't be perfect gentlemen all the time...or even some of the time. My husbands friend has a GF with a kid and he is always freaking out saying the kid is bad and stuff and when he describes his behavior he is a normal 3yo but he has only been around my kids and they are usually in cool mode hangin with the guys..lol so he doesn't see the freak outs so I get that your husband doesn't get it yet and I am not attacking him in anyway. You two are new parents and you will learn. Also I love all my boys and I have time for all 3. I nurse my youngest ,help my oldest with homework ,and play with my middle one. All three know that I love and have time for them no matter what. So you do have enough room in your heart :) Also you are very young so there is no rush to have another my oldest and youngest are almost 8 years apart! So maybe wait to see if you get baby fever wich may be a while since you are content with your daughter right now! Good luck you sound like a great mama!

I stopped with one and never for a moment regretted it. Financially, energetically, emotionally, she was perfect for me. We were a lovely team and I was able to parent her to the absolute max (which doesn't mean I didn't make mistakes, of course).

I also had, already in the late 60's, a very clear concern about the carrying capacity of Earth, as birth rates worldwide were climbing precariously (and still are). I didn't want to stress the planet with more than my 'replacement number' of children, because if I did I knew I'd feel complicit in the reduced quality of life of future generations. Now, 40 years later, I can see my concerns coming true – babies born today are going to experience environmental, economic, and social stresses that didn't exist 40 years ago, and the more babies, the more extreme the stressors will become.

My daughter has grown up as a happy only, and has chosen to stop with her amazing 5yo son for her own emotional, practical, energetic and economic reasons – and as a way to help preserve the Earth that her son will inherit. I had a conversation with my grandson the other day, and it turns out he wants only one child himself. At least, that's his master plan for now.

As for siblings, I know about equal numbers of sibs who like each other and play well together, or are still connected as adults, and sibs who are not, or even dislike each other. No guarantees there.

I hope you will be happy with whatever you ultimately decide!

I don't think that you are rambling AT ALL. Some women (not women on here) have a tendency to have child, after child, after child, after child, after child.....without even thinking of the consequences of...."how will I feed this child?, "how will I provide clothing and a car?", "how will I provide a college tuition?", "how will I be able to provide insurance amd savings?"

Good for you and kudos!!!! Thank you for actually thinking about our Earth's future..our Nation's future AND your kid's future.

Off the top.. reading this I'd say you do not want another one and just need support with your decision. You had #1 before you planned, but obviously you werent trying not to. I have 3. There were, and are great times and hard times. Your husbands job can change for the worse too.. anytime and you have to know you can handle that too. My best memories are with my brothers. My sons feel the same way now. they have so much to talk about and laugh about. We chose to put our money into their education and never took trips aside from regional places. They appreciate that now as they are looking ahead from high school. There is no way to plan with definate security what will happen with jobs, health etc... So, don't make a decision that affects your daughters whole life based on that. Make it from your heart.
You don't sound like a maternal person, so dont feel guilty.. just do what is right for you.

first & foremost: RELAX!!! You're thinking on this waaay toooo much!

It's a simple process of looking within your heart (& your husband's) ....& really thinking about what YOU want....not the rest of the world.

I think you're going to have the second regardless of what anyone says :)

My baby is 7 months old and I'm chomping at the bit to get pregnant again. My husband would be in bliss to keep me as a breeder as we both love children so much.

I have often thought about just sticking to one, but I think it's important for children to grow up with other children. We can't play the games they want to play all the time. We can't teach them about sharing like a sibling can. IMO the love between siblings can be much stronger than between child and parent (not from our side obviously lol). But that is my opinion and is probably a result of being more of a parent to my sister than our parents were.

Money isn't a problem - bonus! That means that holidays won't be a problem. One child each! Things won't be much different in regards to that sort of stuff. Also, only children tend to be a bit more selfish. Most I know are, especially as adults.

You seem very level headed, and you also seem to really want number two! So talk to your husband about it, make sure you really believe that he wants it more than he doesn't want it! You don't want either of you to resent each other for whatever decision you make.

Also, I am 22 and STOKED that I'm having my babies young.

Yay for babies!

Breathe, Mom of one! I am a mom of one too, so I understand your dilemma, very much so in fact! Different beginnings, we had both graduated from college a year before getting married, wanted to wait to have kids, which we did, almost 5 years. I am an only and husband has two sisters, but they are 9 and 10 years younger! Hubby has a big, close knit family-lots of pressure for lots of kids and he is the only one in his generation who is settled and has a family, so even more pressure! We agreed we wouldn't want to more than two, but both kind of like the idea of one, some days more than others! Finances are different for us, we owned a home in another state, economy went south and we tried to stay ahead of the tide, by hubby accepting another, better, more secure job back home in Texas, sold house at a loss, have only rented since, carrying college debt around still, etc. Plus I gave up working outside the home to be home full time. So that's a factor for us.

Our only son is 27 months, a ball of energy, had a sick filled pregnancy, no problems, but a rough labor and delivery, and he was a colicky baby and still isn't a good sleeper. Plus, since his birth, I have struggled with weight and depression and I refuse to try and get pregnant under current circumstances because it's dangerous to my health.

We too are undecided, were more certain we wanted two before number 1 arrived. I go back and forth everyday and we always said we wanted 4-6 years between, so not even like we're running late at this point, just always thinking about it. Best thing I can say is, you're young, you have time....I am about 8 years older than you from what I can deduce, so age is more of an issue in my decision making. Meditate on it, pray about it, you have to find some peace before you make this decision.

I highly recommend the book, The Fertile Female. You may think the subject matter doesn't relate (it's about infertility), but when I was trying to get pregnant I read this and it really helped me clear my mind of all the pressures associated with having or not having a baby, being a mother, carrying a child for 9 months, etc. I did a lot of visualization of how I saw my life with a baby in it and what I needed....it's a great book!

You'll know from your head to your toes, in your gut, in the depths of your soul if it's right to have another and maybe right now isn't the time to know. You should communicate with DH on it too, it's important that you are both in the same place...very important!

Just know there are others out here struggling with the decision too. It changes everyday and seems like you have to know right now, but quiet your mind and heart and the clear answer will come on whether or not your family is complete.

I totally understand. I have my 2 year old daughter and battle with myself about having more kids or having just her. I am so scared I will not give enough attention or something. And I too want to be able to give her nice things and clothes and be involved in pta and sports and stuff, as I never had any of it growing up. I still haven't figured it out either lol but know your not alone at all.
I was 20 when I had my daughter and 22 now (you can see my profile pic) but look very young, the pediatrician's nurse asked if I was 15 when my daughter was 16 months old. I get snobby looks sometimes too, it's irritating huh? lol. I too want to take my daughter to Disney because I never went. Plus I am super paranoid and am worried about bringing another child into the world (I know, I know).
My daughter is my life right now and it's hard to imagine it any different. Just know you aren't alone :D

Well, having you daughter young means you many years to decide permanently about another child or not. I had my first at 35 and my second the day after I turned 38 so I felt like the clock was ticking. We both definitely wanted 2 kids so that was not our issue. Had I known I'd get pregnant so fast the second time I'd have waited another 6 months. The first year was pretty rough but now they are 2 and 5 and it is much better--not always easy but much more manageable. Our friends have kids the same age spacing but they are 3.5 and 6 months now and both parents are still working hard at child care. The first year with 2 is hard work. If you want a second you will need help from your husband unless you wait for a larger age spacing. 2 and 3 year olds need a lot of attention and that is hard with a baby and a toddler.

Other people I have known have said it is hard financially to have a new baby and a new house in the same year. So you might want to factor that into your plans.

If you have a second you will love that baby too. You may even find yourself protecting the new baby from the older one (I think that is biological). I had a son first and then a daughter and I love my daughter more than I could have imagined.

I never went to Disney as a kid and I don't feel like I missed anything important. Even if I had the extra money for Disney I would probably choose a different family vacation for my kids. We took other family vacations when I was a kid, especially inexpensive family visits. Playing with my second cousins (who are my age) was fun at the time and is a great memory now. It was also great to see places my dad spent time as a teenager visiting some of the same relatives (his aunt and uncle ran a Christmas tree farm in Vermont). Our big vacation now is going to visit the grandparents out of state for 2 weeks in the summer. My 5 year old begs all year to go see grandma and grandpa in Michigan. To me the priority is family time together.

If or when you plan to have another it would help for your husband to read a bit more on child development. If you have a reasonable idea what to expect from a specific age child it helps you have more reasonable expectations of their behavior. If your husband is an engineer and scientific thinker he might have an easier time reading child development from a book. Each stage is laying the foundation for the next stage of development.

We never had money to go to Disney or anything either. In fact, we only went on one real vacation when I was a kid (Hershey, Pennsylavania- I was 6).

But my parents did take us to the lake for the day several times each summer, and we'd have a picnic and go swimming. They also took us to the zoo every year on the last day of school (my Dad took a half day off for it)- it was a tradition that I looked forward to every year. As was the county fair, the drive-in theater, picnics in the park- or sometimes just a last minute decision to go and walk around. It had great grass-covered hills we liked to roll down :) and it looked over the Hudson river. We liked to look and see what boats were out there and if any trains were coming on the tracks that ran along the river. I remember riding our bikes together up and down our road playing Dukes of Hazard- LOL. (if you're in your early twenties -I'm 40 ugh-, I'm not sure if you've ever seen a re-run- pretty lame, but we thought it was the coolest thing ever.) These are some of my fondest memories, and I am so glad I had a brother to share it all with. Sure, we had our spats but we were there for each other. I can in all honesty say I don't feel the least bit deprived. Now it's my greatest joy to see my 4 children running around playing together -when they get along, that is ;) They usually do.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to imply your child will lead a miserable life if she has no sibs, just telling you my experience. I'm sure there are plenty onlys who could tell you about their great childhood too.
I guess you just got me thinking about my childhood, and I think what mattered most was that my parents took the time to do all those things with us. Not sure if any of this is any help... I guess my only advice (whether you have 1 or more) is to not take lightly the seemingly small things. Sometimes (and I'm guilty of this too) we want to give our children everything we can, and we wind up giving them too much. They wind up taking what they have for granted. Each of my kids has quadruple the toys I had- not exaggerating here (even longer story) and they don't appreciate what they have the way I did. Not sure how to fix that now. Whatever you and your husband decide, I wish you all the best :)
Take care -sorry for rambling on so much :]

My advice... relax. Don't rush it too much. until you are 100% sure you are done don't do anything like have him get a vasectomy or you get your tubes tied....

All of your reasons are good things to consider when discussing the pros and cons of having another baby. That said, I am sure you'll find plenty of love in your heart for baby #2 when that day comes- if it does...

I would boil your descicion down to this. Do you think that your family is meant to have more? If it is, I am sure it WILL happen, when and how it is supposed to. Technically my current pregnancy is a "happy accident"- but I sense that is was just plain meant to be.

Maybe I am a getting a little "spiritual" about the matter for some tastes... but I truly believe that *life* gives us all challenges, perfectly suited to make us better, stronger, happier, wiser people. What we do when we encounter those challenges is what makes our lives better or worse. Follow your hearts in this matter, and someday- you'll know.. because there isn't a "one size fits all" perfect amount of kids to make every couple happy- no one else can decide for you!

For right now... enjoy your wonderful toddler. You never know what tomorrow will bring- but enjoy every minute you can!

Good Luck!
-M.

I think you are overthinking this too. Put aside your plan, your husband's earnings, your house size and everything else for a while. Just look at it from your heart and see how you feel. Your plan is just a plan and you have the right to change it at any time. Your husband's earnings, and yours, could go up or down or stay the same - no one can really predict for sure. Your house is something that might change down the road as well, as you might find out your perfect house isn't so perfect anymore. Your daughter will have everything she needs and more because you are a very caring and giving mommy, everything else you give her is just icing on the cake. I had two boys 13 months apart. I do not have the job I want. We have never taken an expensive vacation. We STILL live in a two bedroom house. I would not change anything though! My boys are best buddies and actually want to share a room. We set up a bedroom in the basement, totally finished, and neither wants it, lol! We have fun family times and do what we can afford to do when we can do it. No one feels deprived. What matters is that we have each other, and plans may come and go, and vacations and houses do come and go, but there are no regrets here. Do what is in your heart and the rest will follow.