Twins with Sibling Rivalry

"Siblings Without Rivalry" by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlisch

Their "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" is also a classic must-read.

Hi K.,
My twins are almost three and believe me I feel you pain. We do the time out thing when an argument gets out of hand but mostly I take away whatever they are fighting over and explain that if they can't take turns, share, or find a way to get along then they can't have whatever it is that they are fighting over. Their protests turn on me instead of each other and after a short time they move on.
When they are having an especially tough day where they just cannot get along I get them moving. We go outside, for a walk or just to play in the yard. I've noticed changing the scene usually helps... If we're stuck inside we'll at least move to another room (even the garage without the cars) and do something active.
Of course if there is ever any violence (hitting or biting) they go to time out. And yes... somedays it seems like perpetual time out.
Here are two games that we play which seem to help them understand turns and sharing:
Sit on one side of the room with both of them and use a toy (stuffed animal) as the "baton". When it's your turn- run the toy across the room and come back handing the toy to the next person -whoever the baton holder chooses -careful here the kids usually pick you so be prepared to run around. But when they do choose each other it's fantastic. It takes a minute to get the point of the game across but if they see it done a few times they usually get it.
The other is an obstacle course. For instance I set up the bar stools for a slalom then we hop across the yoga mat go around the table and jump into the hula hoop to finish. Only one person at a time and lots of cheering. I find my kids get better at the one at a time rule the more we play.

Good luck!

N..

Hi K.. I have twin boys who turned 3 in January. Sibling rivalry is probably our biggest issue too. They have moments of playing really well together and then something happens and there is hitting/biting, etc. What usually works best for us is to remove the item or toy that is causing the fight. I just take it and say that the toy is "getting a time out." This has been really helpful because they get upset for a brief moment and then they move on to another activity. I also communicate to them that if they can't be kind to one another while playing with something, then that thing gets taken away. They are learning that they need to work together to get along while playing or they will both lose out on a particular item that they want to play with. I don't spend time trying to figure out who took it from whom or who was in the wrong. This way they both have the responsibility of playing nice and sharing or they will both lose out. Not to say that I don't use time out for the child who was doing the hitting or biting. I usually find though that both my boys are "in the wrong" but one just chose to hit or bite and the other provoked that action by taking something that his brother was using. 22 months is a tough age for this because the communication is still limited. It is getting easier for us now that our boys are 3. Also, I would love it if you would check out my website for mom, dads and grandparents of twins/multiples called http://www.multiplemomsrock.com I can still ship out in time for Mother's Day too. :-)

Whenever my twins had problems "sharing", we took the "taking turns" approach. Do they know how to count? If so, have them count while the other has the toy and then switch, repeat as necessary until that toy isn't in play any longer. As mine got older, the number they had to count to got higher. It works beautifully for them, but it has created frustration when they interact with other kids (at daycare, for instance) who don't have the same knowledge of this system, so I would also let other caretakers know this is what they do at home.

If counting isn't an option now, then you could use a timer that rings or buzzes to signal the end/beginning of the turns.

Hello K.;

As in the advice prior to mine; I put the item in a time out. If it was an item that we had in duplicate, I would put them behind my back and then mix them around and hand them back. I'm not sure why that worked, but maybe they were both thinking they had gotten the item that they were fighting over, =) This was common over their favorite blanket. I have no idea why since they were the exact same and worn out to the hilt, but for some reason one would get it in his head that the other had "his" blanket. Whenever I mixed them behind my back and handed them over, they were pretty happy. Go figure.

Good luck, looks like you have lots of great advice to pull from here. This will pass, honestly, it will.

When they fight over a toy, take it up and put it away. Everytime, until all the toys are put up, or the boys have figure it out. Tell them ahead of time what you are going to do. And tell them each time what you have done and why.

The important thing to do, and it is really important, is to stay calm. Even if you want to scream or laugh. If you must scream, go out side and scream. Really.

Once they figure out they must share and stay in control of their emotions give them back two toys. If they start fighting, take they toys away. Tell them why.

Try it again and again if you have to. Stay as calm as you can. Do it on a long weekend or vacation so your husband can help out if you think you need help.

I must tell you that once my kids were screaming at each other in the car. I got stopped (not on a freeway) and got out, without the kids. I waited until they stopped screaming. As soon as they stopped, I got back in. Worked like a dream. But my kids were older, about five, I think.

Good Luck.

I would say buy there stuff in pairs.Like 2 hot wheels the same one though so they cant fight about it because they want it they can say you have the same toy as mine so please go get yours.I hope this helps.
D.

Oh, dear, K.--- what I'll suggest isn't totally easy- but may help:
Set up a strategy ( and share your decision-whatever it is- with your day-care providers - they may have ideas - and for sure you all need to be reasonably close to similar pages) --- like
;;; you hit ( or bite, or grab) - you sit''''' meaning sit the offender down in some spot away from the action- with a stern direction to
'''' come back when you can play NICE''''' -

that means you are actually directing them to come back - which is what they want to do--but right now- they really dont want to mind so it ( sometimes) makes them stop and think --- and that IS what you want -- notice- there's no timeline --- you just move them away from the '''victim''' and the desired toy and give them a stern direction--- if they come right back and grab, hit - whatever - then you may need to go to something more drastic like a time out - but while they are sitting ( and you may need to hold them gently but firmly) - you can turn your attention to the '''victim'' and say kindly '''oh George, dear are you ok??? --- Sorry brother forgot and hit -'''' - so the 'victim'' gets lots of positive attention( try really hard to do the ''you hit --- you sit''' in a non-emotional almost robotic manner which gives no real attention at all--- as your attention - your smiles- your ''''engagement'' will always be THE most magically reinforcing thing you can do. -- It's not easy, I know.

Blessings,
Old Mom
aka- J. ( dear friend of a woman in her 60s--- as I am--- who raised twins who are now enchanting 30 somethings-- she said she thought she'd never survive their ''under 2''' years- but once they were 2 and up - it got easier every year.)

Wow, there's been a lot of good advice on this topic so far. I'd like to add a reminder to consider the boys' *frustration* at being this age, where the world (and the toys in it) are so ripe for exploration, and yet they have few tools or other skills (limited speech and no understanding of taking turns and cooperation) with which to navigate it. One of our jobs as parents is to a) validate their frustration and other emotions, thereby sowing the seeds for lifelong emotional intelligence, and b) teach them useful skills for living in the world!

Things that used to work for me (when my son was briefly a biter):
* I'd say things like, "You're really frustrated because so and so took your toy. You can play with something else or come to me for help, but you MAY NOT bite." ["How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk," a book previously mentioned, is a GREAT book. So is "Non-Violent Communication"]
* I'd ask the kids (my son + friend) how long they each wanted with the toy. I don't remember the particulars, but they'd agree on some amount of time that made them happy [which often seemed silly to me, like 10 seconds, which is why I would give them options and let them choose, b/c what made sense to my 30-something self was not the same as their 2-something selves], and then I'd count or time it for them. When my son was little I had a watch that let me very quickly set a 1-minute timer, and boy did I love it.

As useful as toy time-outs and such are for deonstrating consequences to bad behavior, it is equally (if not more) important to address more than just the symptom (poor behavior), and go to the underlying cause -- the fact that they don't know the heck to do with their emotions or what they even are, and that they (unfortunately) don't magically appear in the world with certain skills, but rather need to be taught, and their developmental timelines don't necessarily agree with our own preferred timelines for learning such things :).

At times when you're not frustrated or exhausted yourself (when would that be?! ha), remind yourself what you know about emotional development and emotional intelligence, arm yourself with some new information and perhaps some new skills from which to teach, and then explore age-appropriate ways to teach your kids.

Good luck!
D. E., ND

While I wasn't a twin, my younger brother was 13 mo. younger and we might as well have been twins. Our sibling rivalry was pretty intense and what my parents did and I used for my kids was: if one got in trouble, we both got in trouble. There was no one child who did the deed. We learned that the only way to succeed was to be good together. So if one was hitting or pulling something away from the other, both got time outs or all the toys were removed so no one had access to them. It doesn't take long, believe me. 22 months is a little young, but they catch on very quick. Always make them apologize to one another when they hurt physically or verbally any one, that means you and Dad, in addition to their sibling. There will be days you feel like a referee at boxing match or with a handful of cards at a soccer game. This will pass.

I have twin boys about the same age and a 4 year old boy too. Someone taught me something that seems to help - you can play a "game" that helps them learn to share. You sit in a circle with your kids and have one toy that you've picked. You start by saying "it's my turn" and play with the toy for a few seconds or maybe a minute, then give the toy to one of your kids and say "it's so and so's turn" and let them play for a minute or so, and then pass it to the next one. If someone tryies to take it before their turn you gently stop their hands from taking it and say "no, so and so, it's tommy's turn". The first time around the kids who don't have the toy seem a little anxious but then they start to understand that their turn is coming. Then when you say that it's not their turn in real life they understand what you're talking about and they are much more likely to be patient. If this hadn't worked I had advice fromn another twin mom to buy a large gate to put across the center of the room with a twin on each side so they can have their "own" time w/o the other one interfering, but I have never tried this, even though I think it might work too. Good luck with this! D.

I have a 21mo girl and i have been babysitting full time a girl 20mo who i've had since 4mo old.. I have a gate across my one room. There are days that no amount of time outs or teaching them to share is enought. usually at least one day a week i have to put one girl on each side of the gate. they just need their space some times.