Troubled teenager....HELP

Honestly, there isnt much you can do. She's probably just going through a rebellios stage trying to get attention and trying to "fit in". I did it too. The only thing that helped me was when I had my second daughter and realized I can be happy without drugs, alcohol and random sex. When I was about 13, my whole family besides my immediate family, treated me as the black sheep persay, and still do. Thats when I started smoking pot and drinking and hanging out with people that did the same. The only way I received attention from them is f I did something "bad" then they would put me down, which depressed me and made me even worse. Maybe try talking to the rest of the family and let them know that they need to reinforce positive attention. Like, say she does something good, award her for it, just like a toddler. If you could take her out shopping with you or out to eat just the two of you even once a week every week might help also.

I know exactly how you feel. I have a cousin who did the same thing and what happened. She ended up pregnant, addicted to drugs and had her baby taken away. I didn't talk to her because I didn't want to make her mom or dad mad. I really wish I had.
S.

I think the best thing to do in your sitaution is this. You should pray for her. You should pray for the people that she hangs around with. Pray for her safety. You should find out about geting her into a drug rehab.

Let us pray......

Father we pray in the name of Jesus for her 16 year old cousin. We pray Lord that you would send labors across her path. That you would soften her heart and get her ready to receive your word. We pray in the name of Jesus that you would protect her. I pray Jesus that you would take that desire of doing drugs and drinking away from her. I pray that you would surround her with your angels. I Pray Lord for her parents that you would give them words of wisdom and what to do in this situation. I Pray Lord that you would bring in a strong christian man into her life. I Pray Lord that she will meet him soon. I pray Lord that she will listen to what he has to say. I release your healing and anointing power over her body and say that by Jesus stripes she is healed. I pray Lord that you would help her find good christian finds. I Pray for this person who wrote this that if she does not know you that she will come to a saving relationship with you. In Jesus name I pray amen........

D.: Don't give up on her! I was in the same situation a few years back with my nieces. Great girls but a horrible family life from the beginning. We spent a lot of time with them even having them over the holidays when no one else wanted them. I regret not getting them more help - as they got to be teenagers they weren't allowed to spend as much time with me - well let's just say when they did and they brought up my name - the parents were very jealous and the girls got yelled at for it. So to make their life easier and not get yelled at for being with me - I tried to be neutral and not make waves. It still didn't work - I should have done more! My one niece was killed in a car wreck during a very hard time in her life (a lot of hard times)and I still haven't recovered from that and my other niece has moved away and distanced herself from everyone and has a lot of issues with trusting and loving people and herself. To make a long story short - get her some professional help. She is reaching out for these bad relationships looking for something she is missing somewhere. These older guys - does she have a positive father figure that she is close to? (I don't mean to be too personal - just seen things through my personal experiences) Call a local counseling group and ask for their assistance - hopefully you can find some not for profit places that know how to turn things around for her. But don't give up - there is a bigger reason and a deeper reason that if she doesn't resolve will haunt her the rest of her life (and you - because you care about her). Just keep loving her - she needs you, but it won't be easy, especially with your own beautiful family. Good luck!

Maybe she is hanging out at your house because she is looking to you for some guidance. You are young enough that you can still be a peer for her and lead her by example. I have to admit, when I was 16, I didn't have a cell phone, but a pager was how all the guys got ahold of me. I have to admit that I never really have figured out why I did all of those things that I did, but I do know that mostly I enjoyed the attention. So give her as much attention as you can, but don't make it about the men, make it about her. Take her to the mall, or invite her over to watch a new movie with you. Keeping her with you, you'll atleast know what she is doing. Ask her to babysit for you while you go out to dinner, or even for a grocery store trip. Maybe she's just bored at home and craving some positive attention. You can't be her mother, but you can be her friend. If you talk to her about the sleeping around, try not to critisize, just ask questions and really listen to her answers, that might be all it takes to make her realize this is not the best thing for her. Lord knows you cannot tell a 16 yr old what to do!! Good luck.

oh wow ok since she is coming to you and telling you things like this then maybe she will listen to you. 16 is a hard age to deal with. i know i was!
sit her down and tell her how you feel about what she's doing. im not big on drugs, but i know lots of people who do lots of them. if you dont mind me asking, what drugs is she using? maybe look them up, find out what could happen to her if she keeps using. i know it doesnt work for those who dont care about them selfs. maybe there is a reason to her doing the drugs. you said basicly her family gave up on her. that could be why! find out! now for the much much older guys. is her dad around? has there ever been a positive father figure around her? that may be the reason behind that one. well all i can say is that you need to sit down and talk to her about whats going on in her head. let her talk!!! if the drug thing is soooo bad you may need to see if she is intersted into getting help to stop. im guessing she is sexually active so there isnt much you can do about that other then let her now how common it is to get something. let her know about hpv. its one of the most common and could be really bad to get. since your only 21 yrs old she will listen to you better then someone older. she figures you just went through what she's going through. well i wish you the best of luck!!! e-mail me if you ever wanna talk! ____@____.com
p.s- do not call the cops!! that will only push her away from you! she needs you to talk to and doesnt want that taken away. yes the men are breaking the law but if you talk to her i hope that will help her understand. the last thing you wanna do is call the cops if there is nothing else to do. maybe warn her about it!

She sounds very troubled. I would say she is reaching out for boundaries, security and love. Her parents are doing her a huge disservice bordering on neglect. It soulnds like she likes you and is comfortable with you. For goodness sake if you are the last one in the family who hasn't turned their back then hang in there. You may be her last hope. You can listen and give gentle guidance, but if you push too hard, she will probably push back. Encourage any positive interests and behavior, show her love and don't give up on her.
If her parents are aware of the drug and alcohol use then they should be getting her help. If they won't do it, then you may want to start checking social services and CPS. Juvey will only worsen the situation. There are many individuals in the system with good intentions, but the system is broken. Try getting advice from the school or a pastor. Christian counselors and pastors are a very good resource.

I've been in your situtation and councling is the best thing to get her into Councling, councling,councling. Good luck. Most important is to always be there for her and show her you love her no matter what. Good luck.... Take Care

Do you think that your cousin is the type of person that you wish to have around when your dear children are pre-teens etc.?
When do you think your cousin will realize that their are unpleasant consequences for her behavior?
There really isn't much you can do for her...but pray.

My advice is to do what you can, but really, it's her parents job. It's hard to sit back and watch the distruction in a young person do this, but in my experience, when others try to intervene, it often gets messy with the family.

If you can talk to her at all, I'd be honest about your disapproval and why. She'll balk at it, but she will know you care. Also, you can lay down rules for your house when she's there. You may not be able to get her off the phone with these guys, but you might, say, no phone calls period during dinner, etc.

I feel for you and applaud your concern. Just be careful since she isn't your child. Things might get ugly if you aren't careful.

There's nothing you can do unless her mother is willing to let her stay with you and you're given the responsibility of her. Otherwise, unfortunately, you're fighting a losing battle, because if things are one way at home, and another way with you, the inconsistency of the two environments will override anything you try and teach her on your end. Now, if her mother really doesn't care, and you'd be willing to take her in, then there's a LOT you can do. Basically, this is her last chance. She needs to learn boundaries, and respect. 16 is not too old to strip down and demand a change in her behavior. I don't care what people say, sometimes there comes a time when an adult has to step in and say "enough is enough". I have a friend who had a 15 year old daughter who was sexually active and had a very bad attitude. They decided they had one more shot to get through to her, and so they pulled her out of public school, stripped her closet of clothes that were inappropriate and basically started from scratch. At first, she HATED them, who wouldn't? BUT, after she finally realized that her hating them wasn't going to change things for her, I truly think it was her that finally gave in. They never let up on her. They DEMANDED respect, and demanded she take some responsibilities around the house, along with her school work, which her mom ended up home schooling her. They explained to her that the situation would stay that way until she proved that she could be trusted, and she started acting respectfully. They said that she was going to be home schooled for minimally one year, and after that it was all up to her how long it lasted. After the first few months, no joke, COMPLETELY different child! When you take away the bad influences, and allow a child to get used to just being "herself" and establishing a relationship within the family again, they really do let go of the anger, and begin to get to know who they really are. Some kids get too caught up in the seeking for attention and approval from their peers and from guys, and they forget who they are. This girl desperately was heading down the wrong path, same as your cousin, even the drug part. BUT, she is now back in school, 17, and doing very well with grades and is a "happy" kid. Before they took those drastic measures, she was just plain mad all the time, and made one bad decision after another. But, having said all of that, I have a little sister that's 14 now and is starting to dress gothic. I have tried and tried and tried to help out by talking both to her, and by trying to give my mom advice. But, I've learned that unless mom is on board to trying to put an end to the behavior, I'm wasting my breath. All I do, is try to keep communication open with my sister and I try to explain to her about certain consequences that come along with certain behaviors, and I hope that doing that helps her in the next few years while she's going through the triumphs of being a teenager.

Sounds to me, like you honestly need to do one of two things. Either sit her down with her mother, or tell her she can't come around anymore. You don't need that type of drama, it only causes stress to you. Her mother needs a reality check that your not going to raise her daughter. I know its hard. I remember being like that 16yr girl, I wasn't that bad but pretty close. She comes to your place wanting boundries, to be comforted (someone to listen) and told what to do. And no she isn't going to come out and say that. If her mother, is pre-occupied with her own life and can't take care of her, then you could look into getting cusody, or at least temporary custody, if your wanting to help her. And it sounds like a long road, I just hope she is prepared for whats at the end if her behavior doesn't change. If you need any help just let me know. Really I have been there and some times teenagers just push us,
Take care hun
P.
____@____.com

Hi D.. This is a very fine line that you walk. I'm not sure that there is much of anything that can be done. I do know this, she is hurting. Probably hurting from her Mother and Father not being there for her. A book that I suggest that you read is The Five Love Languages for Teenagers. It's a book by Gary Chapman. It tells about how to find her love language, and how to deal with her on that basis. I also encourage you to make her a part of your family, and try to get her into a good church with a great youth program, and do lots of praying, I will pray for her too. But please consider the book, it may help you. Thanks.

I would definitley pull her aside and have a stern talk with her. Tell her that the road she is heading up is not a good one and it is going to end up winding her up in trouble if not worse. I too was headed up a similar path when I was a teen and I didn't care about anything all I wanted to do was party( I didn't sleep around though). See if you can find some type of support group or something for her to keep her off the streets and by all means have a talk with her mother and tell her she needs to step up and be a mom. See if you can take her (as creepy as it sounds) to a morgue and show her what can happen to her if she doesn't straighten up. I ended up being raped because I was going up the wrong path and was partying and drinking one night, but I was not drunk when it happened. It is a scary path she is going on and she needs to get help now before it's too late. I met my husband when I was 16 and we both partied and did drugs (pot) and we didn't care about anything at the time. We got married when I was 19 and he was 23. That is when we took a look at ourselves and were like what the heck have we been doing with our lives? We wised up quit partying and doing drugs. I am now 31 and he is 35. We have been happily married for almost 12 yrs.( this Nov.). We also now have 3 boys ages 10,7 and 4. Also, with the path she is heading up she could very well end up a teenage mom. Don't be afraid and do what you can to talk to her and her mom and try to get her some help. Good luck! I hope everything works out for her. I will pray for her to find some type of guidance in her life and that she will straighten up her life.

D.,

You are right to worry. Many years ago, when I was a teenager, my dad was a workoholic and usually wouldn't pay attention to us 5 kids. He was a great dad, but just busy with his career. My mom was depressed and yelled alot. But she was also a pretty good mom, just tired. I was looking for love in all the wrong places and thank God I did not end up pregnant at 17.

You can't change everything in your family, but you can be there for your cousin and listen when she wants to talk. One thing I'm learning (at 44 years old) is to set goals and work toward them. It is amazing that people don't talk about goals with their children. Every week, month and year, we should have short term and long term goals.

When you actually talk about the reality of being 18, old enough to live on your own: ask how she thinks she can afford to do that. And the reality of being 21 and able to drink legally: ask her what she thinks she will be doing then. And the reality of finding someone who will love her unconditionally, not who justs loves you if you will have sex.

Help her to write in a life journal where she sees herself at key years in her life and think about how she will achive what she thinks is important! When people start to envision their future, they take pride in how they are going to get there.

Talk with your cousin about what she thinks is important in the future, like does she want to have a family, like you? Would she like to study a certain thing, like art or singing. No matter if it isn't a goal that can make a lot of money for a job, encourage her to plan to achieve a goal.

My sister sells Lia Sophia jewelry and she loves meeting new people. Have your niece come with you to a show and help you set up the jewelry and talk to the customers about the neat pieces and help you. It will give her something to feel proud of and help you to know where she is.

I know, I know, 16 years old, rebellious, and jaded! But keep trying to find something she will latch onto and will help build her self esteem. That's why kid's listen to someone older like those men, because they sweet talk them and tell them they love them. You be the one to tell her you love her!

Our son was so awful and rebellious at 16 that we threatened to send him to Fork Union Military School if he didn't shape up. I think he wanted a change just so he could change. We sent him his sophomore year in high school and it was a 200% turnaround. He didn't stay the whole year which lost us some money, but we got our son back.

Talk to your family, the mom and dad, and ask if there is anything going on that they need help with. And if they aren't going to change what they do, keep trying and keep praying! I will keep her in my prayers.

One last thing. Luckily I wasn't the one pregnant in high school, it was one of my friens. But, after I got married and I got pregnant with my first child, I found out I was RH Negative. This meant that if I didn't receive a shot of some drug, my child could have been born with severe mental retardation. I was horrified thinking if I had had an abortion and didn't know that, I would have unknowingly hurt my next child.

Everything we do has consequences. Tell this to your cousin. Help her to work toward her goals and be proud of herself!! Fight for her! Good luck and God Bless!

L. B

Hun , unfourtanetly I dont think there is anything you can do to change this! If her mom/parents arent making her have dicipline and authority and rules then nothing you say will change this. I HOPE she is on some sort of birth control and maybe you can stop these 2 guys but what about future ones? U cant stop them all and I dont think shes wanting it to , she likes the attention shes getting. Its sad, I know! There are so many young girls out there doing this and having sex and drugs and drinking. Its awful! My husbands 14 yr old cousin id the same way-not with all the sex but drinking, drugs, having sex with a boy and already had an abortion so were told. Shes had NO rules or authority in her life and has always done wha SHE pleased and wanted. Its just simply sad
I feel for you cuz I have tried sooo much with her and nothing works or matters to her.
((HUGS)) to you

I would remind this guy......if you know him, and tell her, too.....that SHE IS STILL A MINOR.

Does she have ANY friends? Sounds like she needs to get connected to some STABLE, GROUNDED, FOCUSED FRIENDS. Any local youth groups that have lots of activities, etc.?

Has anyone asked her what she wants to do? What are her goals? Help her with her plan to get there if she has any? If not, she needs SOMEONE to do some SERIOUS talking to her and help her realize she's literally wasting her life away. There's plenty of time for that when she's older. TOO MUCH TO MISS OUT ON TO BE FOCUSED ON THAT AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE.

She needs to have a purpose!

Hi, D. --

I felt everything you wrote right down to the core. When I was in my older teen years, I went through something very similar with my younger cousins (who were very young teens at the time). I kept hearing from their friends that they were getting into things they shouldn't, endangering themselves, hanging out with older guys, and basically running wild.

I loved them and wanted so much to protect them, but their mother didn't really want me involved. She felt like I was intruding and keeping tabs on them -- which meant keeping tabs on HER because she often left them alone on weekends and didn't want my grandparents to know.

Anytime I'd try to partner with my grandmother to intervene or if I'd try to approach my aunt or deal with my cousins directly, my aunt would undercut me, try to embarass me in front of the girls, or basically give me the cold shoulder for interfering in her fun time. It really broke my heart. I had nightmares for years about trying to snatch my cousins out of that situation into one where they'd be protected from their own wildness and neglect.

As for what you can do, I have very little advice, except this. Tell your cousin that you want to talk with her -- just ONE time. Tell her you will not be on her case but need the opportunity to tell her what's on your mind. Be clear with her about why you're so worried, and let her know how much you care. Tell her the choice is hers and that there are serious consequences for her behavior. If she's like my cousins, she's likely acting out because she has low self-worth and her self-esteem has been erroded by her parents.

I wouldn't go on and on... just one conversation to let her know that YOU are a person who DOES care about her and doesn't want her life to end up in the trashcan. Tell her you will be there for her to provide guidance so that her life can be a good one, full of the right kind of love and attention. But then, you will likely have to stand back and let her make the decision to come to you in the future.

I worried myself sick about my cousins, but, the reality was, their lives were out of my control, and I think the same is true for your cousin. I did what I am suggesting that you do, and told my cousins how I felt and that they could always come to me, and, years later, we had a lot of mending and healing. Today, one of them lives not very far from me, and our relationship is great. I love her so much, and even though I still worry about her, she's a wonderful woman and mom, and I think she'll always know that she can rely on me.

I think that's the best thing you can do for your cousin -- let her hear the plain truth and then be a resource for her, someone secure and reliable that she can turn to for guidance. I hope she will come around! It's not your responsibility to fix her life, though her path may cause you a lot of pain. Be true to yourself and show her how to live the right kind of life by your own example.

I wish you all the luck and strength! I know it's very hard to be where you are.
H.

That is a really difficult situation. If at any way possible, try to explain your concern for her to your group of friends and see if they are willing to accept her into their group (if you feel they have better "extracurricular activities").

Sometimes positive peers can make all the difference in the world. She is still young enough to easily participate in innocent fun, but maybe she was never really exposed to different activities if her parent's never spent quality time with her. Also, there is often that one friend's nurturing parent that is "mom" to everyone they meet - maybe you can take her to that person's house to hang out.

Try not to make her feel as if you are judging her, but offer solid advice whenever possible. She may act like she is not listening, or even get pissed off, but it may make her think twice in certain situations. She is obviously yearning for a feeling of family and wants a father-figure(the older men and promiscuity is a big sign).

I remember my teen years. I knew of the consequences of sex, drugs, and alcohol, but usually felt I was "adult-enough" to control it all. She's not and neither are actual adults when they are that reckless. Something bad WILL happen, it will be just a matter of time (nobody is that lucky). So, she needs to understand that, so that she can begin making different choices now.

First of all, you need to report these "men" to the police. If she knows that they are getting into trouble for messing with her, then she might change her mind about talking to them. But do it, only if you have proof.
Also, you really need to step up and take some time with her. Take her to the Dr. and let someone there tell her about the choices that she is making.
Also, I am not sure where you are from, but if you live in Greene county, then you can get some help through Integrated Youth Services. IYS.
What we did with our boy, was to send him to a family member several states away. The family that we sent him to, had the time to spend every waking moment with him, would not let him do anything that they thought was wrong, and made him work. They also made him attend church every time the doors were open. So that helped out also.

call the cops she is 16yrs old and a minor, the older men will be in serious trouble for being sexual even just in conversation with her. Since she is a minor it is not up to her to press charges, the state will. Someone needs to set rules for the girl, and major consequences, if those are to no avail, she needs to be under house arrest.