Too Harsh a Consequence?

next time she goes to her friends house, send her with snacks. Then she will not have to ask for food. I think that if a child is causing trouble everytime you have then over then most parents would stop inviting that child over. They do not want their child to thank that her behavior is ok. Maybe you need to go to every play date with her and bring snacks. She is still a child and may outgrow this behavior but until then you need to stay and watch her. She is a great child and is still learning.

You might want to try some social stories with her. Create a story about a fictitious little girl that mirror something that is going on in her life. Then work with her to solve the character's problems. This way you're not saying to her "no one wants to invite YOU over" instead your story would be about "Little Susie".

For example: Susie loved playing outside. Sometimes Susie would play with other chidren but would always want to play tag. Other kids like to play jumprope or hopscotch. Since Susie only wanted to play tag the other kids never asked her to play. What should Susie do?

Kids get less defensive and feel smart and helpful when they can solve "Susie's" problem. When it's their own problem it's too personal.

Good luck!
K.

My son attends an after school social skills group that is led by the speech teacher. They work with the kids on manners, taking turns, giving compliments, etc. Last year they finished with a field trip to a restaurant to practice what they learned.
Good for you for trying to arrange the play dates! I think the social stories that Karen B. mentioned is a good idea too. Also, are there any "older sister" type of kids that you could have her play with? They may be more understanding.
It may be a lot of work, but keep attending all the playdates with her, and guide and teach her through it. Or have an honest talk with the other parents. Let them know that it's OK for them to remind her what's polite and normal because she thinks outside the box. If you let them know that there are issues, you're aware of them and working on it, they should be understanding and helpful. If they're not- then find someone else.

NS, it seem like you're more concerned about your stepdaughter having friends than she is. By you discussing it alot in your home, you might be heightening a situation more then necessary. Is there some guilt on your part to pacify her situation as step M.? I understand you want her to have friends, but you can't force anyone on her. She has to make her own friends, and yes, as your husband suggests, if they don't want to be around her, then they may not be worth her time. If manners is an issue, then that you should continue to work on, because that is separate and is needed for any relationship, including the interraction at home. As for her being bossy, she needs to be in an environment where she can be leader of something. Some children are born that way and it can seem overpowering and pushy now, but only you can teach her how to keep it in check and how to respect others. She seem angry to me more so than unfriendly. You may want to find out what is making her angry/resentful because that is showing up in her attitude and perhaps turning others away from her. Work on building her self esteem so that she knows with or without friends, she is worthwhile and important. Good luck.

I wish we had more stepmoms like you in this world. It's too bad that she doesn't realize how lucky she is to have someone like you who cares about her so much. You rock.

The social stories book is an excellent idea. I also think that she may benefit from the American Girl series of books. They are:

Friends: Making Them and Keeping Them
A Smart Girl's Guide to Friendship Troubles
A Smart Girl's Guide to Manners
The Feelings Book: The Care and Keeping of Your Emotions

Flip through some of these and see if they would help her. I think these books would put her situation in the positive manner that you are looking for. Please keep up posted, and thank you for making a difference in this girl's life. One day she will realize what you have done for her!

I would just keep working with her.
I wouldn't point out to her that she's not being asked over if she isn't putting two and two together.
Talk with at least one of the other moms and tell her you are really working on manners, etc and let the mom know it's okay to correct her while she's there. For example....NO playing tag inside. No turning the hose on. If your daughter does that, the mom can say, "The rules are, we don't do this. Do I need to send you home?" Same thing with saying she's hungry.
"Your mom said I'm not to give you anything that might spoil your dinner, but if you're thirsty, I'll get you a drink of water if you'd like."
As far as being bossy, etc, unfortunately she really will learn that getting her own way all the time can mean getting her own way all by herself. I've known kids like this. They have to be first at everything, it has to be the game they want to play. If anyone wants to do something else they'd rather try to get their own way than engage in the other activity.
She may be feeling very insecure and that's why her behavior comes off the way it does. I would talk to her counselor at school and see if she has any referrals to help you get to the core of this.
By 9, kids usually have things figured out as far as blending socially. She may have gotten a late start, which doesn't make her a bad kid, but she may need more help and guidance.
For your husband to say that anyone who doesn't like your daughter isn't worth your time is such an arbitrary statement. It's not about people liking her, it's about her being able to socialize. And, it's not about HIM, it's about her.
I credit you for working with her, but just be careful you aren't trying too hard. She may pick up on that and also try too hard which could come off as being pushy or bossy or initiating things she shouldn't.
She needs to know it's perfectly okay to be herself, but we all have to reign things in sometimes. Every occassion isn't always about us.

I wish you the best.

Tough spot. Question: are you the person who is in charge of making decisions for this child? If you are, and as a step parent, you are really the Mom, wtih gaurdianship or your husband has custoday, etc, then I do have some advice for you. If not, then you kind of have to leave this to the parent who does make decisions for this child. It does sound like you have nothing but the best interests of this little girl in mind and that you love her very much.

If really sounds like you have given her the opportunity to have social situations and that you do not candy coat her behavior too much, that is, that when she does things that you think are detremental to her social function, you identify them and even point out the social concequences of her behavior. Given the time frame you are talking about, while the progress you have seen is encouraging, you may want to consider that she may need more direct instruction to realy put two and two together. I would suggest that you look for a social skills class. While these are generally for very high functioning children with ADHD and ASD's, some children who do not have these disorders benefit from the role playing and instruction that they provide. She will also get direct feedback from children who she practices with, and that kind of honesty can be priceless. Speech Therapists, and Psychologist often run these groups. You can ask her school councelor for a list too. Since this is considered "therapy" you need to be the person who makes these kinds of decisions about this child to put her into this kind of an intervention.

If there is any underling issue for this child, having her in with this kind of professional will lead you where you need to go as well, so it could be a win, win, win for all invlolved.

M.

We have kids in our neighborhood that are not allowed in my house. They are just too rough, steal, are mean to the dog, break things. Then there is one little boy who is just like that. He is a real handfull, but I am also one of his mom's best friends and she and I have a pact. When he demands from me I say "did you say Please because I didn't hear please. We use the same manners here as you do at home." I watch him constantly and correct him like he were my own. He knows my rules and he also knows I will talk to his M..
Are you have a good enough friend with any of the moms that you can say to her Please correct Janie and NO food at your house unless it's water.
Tell her the situation, just like you told us.
Sometimes food is used by a child who has emotional needs that are not getting met. Could that be some of it?

and . . . . in addition to the work you're doing w/your daughter
and attempting to get other kids' parents onboard with setting boundaries, etc., it seems that daughter has a role model, her dad, whose behavior may be at cross-purposes to your earnest attempts to help her be more socially welcome. I doubt you can get him to change his attitudes
but you may need to consider, not only her behavior and habits,
but that they are influenced and reinforced by his behavior and habits.
Sorry to throw a monkey-wrench into the situation.
Wishing you success in helping your daughter learn better social skills.

First, I feel your pain. I see the same thing in my granddaughter, and she has a similar personality. What I'm stressing with her is to say to kids at the park or pool, "Can I play with you?" instead of "Will you play with me?" I've seen so many kids just say "no" when she asks them to play with her. "Can I join in your play?" is a much better concept than "I want you to stop what you're doing and do what I'm doing." It really has made a difference. I also play "restaurant" when she's here. She's the lady and I'm the waitress, and we hava a snack, but we pretend we're eating all sorts of things. The main part is lots and lots of "please" and "thank yous". I also would definitely call a few moms and ask them directly how she behaves at their houses. Explain that she has issues that you're working on, and you need some feedback. They don't want to criticize her openly, but if you ask for help in solving some issues, you'll get more information. You can also let them know that it's alright to set boundaries for her in their homes, such as no snacks or no TV. When kids have playdates, we all have to ride herd on each other's kids, so it's good to be on the same page about what's acceptable and what's not. If a mom sends her home for acting up, she'll get the message fast. Good luck. I know it hurts to see her struggle.

I think asking other parents for feedback, and also telling other parents that it is fine (and in fact you would like it) if they correct her manners is a great start. I don't know from your post if the problem is that kids don't like to play with your stepdaughter or that parents don't like to deal with her, but if you are able to empower parents, they might be more willing to deal with her. It's a very sad situation and I wish you luck.

Is she really upset by with not having phone calls and playdate invitations, or is it you that is feeling more anxious? If she is complaining, I would tell her to take some action, to pick up the phone and call someone to invite them over, to a movie, park, local festival, shopping, or whatever. Stop working all the arrangments yourself with the Moms. I would stop having parties, and start helping her to invite girls over or out to do something just one at a time. Groups of girls are complex and difficult on kids with social struggles. With your guidance, she is old enough to do the calling and asking the other girls herself. Make sure she is always involved in some new activity or activities to be meeting some new people outside your usual connections. If after a few times, you don't get any calls back from certain kids, they may be either very busy (and some people just don't do a lot of playdates, especially as kids get older), not thoughtful, or they didn't feel enough of a connection to make an effort to form a friendship. That's OK. Encourage her to keep reaching out to different people. And coach her through social situations in which her manner or behavior may be a turn off to friends or to other parents. If she is sad she isn't getting a call from the peanut butter sandwhich friend, you may talk to her about how her mom may have not appreciated her lack of manners and has preferred her daughter have the company of friends who are more polite. Kids with good manners get invited out more often. That a good reason it is important for her to remember please, thank you, etc. Eventually, she will mature, and start to learn from her experiences how to make and how to keep friends. One thing I have had to do with my 11 year old daughter is talk to her about the give and take of friendship. One girl she thought was a close friend, I noticed was never, ever, ever the one to call her, even though we invited her for playdates and numerous outings. And they seemed to have a great time when they got together. I know this girl was making of plenty of social plans with other girls. But finally my daugher realized that when she stopped calling her, the relationship ceased to exist. Don't put any effort into people who aren't willing to put any effort into you. I can your husband's point about this. True friendships are not one-sided. I always tell me kids if they accept invitations from other children, the nice thing to do if they at all value that girl's friendship, is to invite them back to our house in the near future. If they truly don't want to, she shouldn't keep accepting their invitiations. If your daughter invites a friend out or over 2-3 times and does not get a return invitation, I would have her stop calling that person for awhile, and encourage her to reach out to other people. Good luck!

When my daughter says I want such & such, I say sorry I don't understand. I only understand polite requests. Give examples if you have to. Don't give her anything unless she asks the correct way. You could even say ask me again in 5 mins the right way. If you are good friends with some of the other little girls mom's let them know you are working on her manners & tell them what you are doing. Ask them to help you in that area when she is at their house. I don't have a problem with correcting my daughters friends (lovingly) when they aren't using their manners because I also see their parents correct them. (It takes a village concept) She didn't get this way over night so it's not going to get better over night either. Be patient & hang in there. I do like another mom's post about karate. It is such a good way to learn discipline. I wouldn't say anything to her about the other kids not wanting to be around her. I would just continue to encourage good behavior. Some kids mature at a slower rate than others do. Sounds like you really care about her. I think you are doing a great job!

I just wanted to add that maybe you could do some playdates where the kids are bowling or playing tennis or swimming, things that she doesn't have as much opportuntiy to get herself or the other child into trouble.

I agree with moms who say you should *not* bring up the issue with your step-daughter. It will probably make her more self-conscious, and feel bad about her lack of invitations. If I were you, I'd ask your step-daughter who she really likes in school, and then arrange play dates with those friends. You don't need to wait for others to invite you. Sometimes people are just busy, and they don't think to invite each other over. And even if they did have reservations about your step-daughter, for whatever reasons, if you continue to be open and friendly, you can form solid friendships. Don't take a lack of invites personally. :)

And yes, one on one play dates are often best. This allows for a bond to form between the two children. Group play dates are fine, too, but can be more complicated with social dynamics.

If you are really concerned about manners, and don't feel comfortable addressing the issue too much yourself, see if you can enroll her in an etiquette class - ask your husband if it sounds feasible. Or some kind of dance or martial arts - the discipline can sometimes help with behavior, too!!

Best wishes.

I think you are a WONDERFUL mother (I know you are step-mom, but you are mothering wonderfully!)

My dd has a friend who sounds a lot like your SD. My dd is (not through my doing, she jus was born to be) a very quiet, polite, docile, obedient child. Since she was an only child for nearly 5 years, she's also sensitive to noise and energy in her environment. She's used to a very calm house.

She has a classmate who is a wonderful person, but high energy, bossy, rude and often brings a lot of negativity with her in the way she speaks and processes experiences. (She also has a lot of wonderful qualities) My dd will occasionally have a playdate with her when it is suggested over and over again, but most of the time she asks not to.

I have really felt for this child. She just has a lot of growing to do in order to be accepted into social situations. She's not a bad person, she's really reallly sweet and she's a child. No adult is perfect, much less a child. They're learning. Still, it's hard to push it on to my dd, as I want to respect her boundaries, too.

If I were you I would approace a mom you know and would like your child to play with. Explain to her your situation and lay it all out, good and bad. Tell her that your dd is heartbroken and you're wondering if that mom might be able to help her learn manners and social skills in a playdate. I think moms would be more receptive if you frame it like that than if you just drop her off at someone's house and they see a child who is kind of rude.

It's not easy and I feel for both of you. I wish you all the best.

If you know some of the other moms fairly well just ask them if your daughter is a pain in the neck or not? I'm sure they will tell you if they know you really want the honest answer. Is she clean and not stinky? Maybe she gets nervous when at other homes and thats why she asks for food, she just doesnt have any "social skills". Have you considered putting her in dance or karate? That would teach her "team" work and she might learn skills and become a better friend.
I also agree that she should only have one friend over at a time because girls in 3's always play the 2 against 1 game.

You are a great stepmom! Thank you for caring so much. i wouldn't point out to her that she is not being invited. Focus more on one on one playdates. I agree that Moms should be told that they can correct her. Is there a mom you know well enough to say, "I'll be going out for an hour on Saturday. Can (child) come over for an hour?" Then if there's a hesitation have an honest conversation about why she's not welcome.