Toddler Not Sleeping

My child also started developing bad sleep associations, although it struck us at 5 months. I read the sleep book by Dr. Ferber. Some people don't like this method, but it really worked for us. It is really all about re-training for good sleep associations, but it does involve some crying it out. The book in general also has some very good info on infant sleep and other later troubles like sleep walking, etc.

I say this has worked for us, and for the last 10 months it has. However my child is also 15 months old and has had several rough nights in a row as well. I just posted my own message too!

Hi there ! Have you tried sleeping on her floor and gently telling her it's okay, mommy's here, when she awakes, event o the point at which it becomes broken record-ish? (years ago a parenting counselor advised us that the broken record technique of saying a styatement over and over, no matter how much they beg is effective, if you show no emotion. The showing of no emotion, good or bed is important.) If you keep doing that, I bet she might feel comforted and know you are close ut not expect interaction from you. If that works getting her to go back to sleep in her own bed after a while (it may take a while at first!) then you could transition out of her room by creeping a bit closer to the door with each successive night til you are out of the room. Persistence, persistence, whateer method you take! jsstu a suggestion! good luck, whatever you do!! :-) M. m

My daughter didn't sleep thru the night until she was 10 months & not consistently until she was 2. She would scream when I left, scream when I put her down. She'd go down in her bed for about 4 hrs, then come to my bed (cuz I was too tired or lazy to go thru the whole process of putting her to sleep AGAIN). I'd cry too - wondering what I did to deserve it. And I felt like it was never going to end. Really there is no right way - every kid IS different. I tried everything, but when you're sleep-deprived - you're really out for a quick fix & that's not gonna happen. The Cry It Out method worked for my 2nd child - not my 1st, but I think it was WHEN I started it. So, what I did, (I started at about 18 months old) I put my daughters crib into a daybed (or use a bunch of blankets to make a soft sleeping area in her room & I laid down with her. You may just want to sleep all night with her in HER bed for a little while. This way you're transitioning her into her room & bed. Then when you feel like you can do it, leave when she falls asleep. I had to lay down with her until she fell asleep for quite a while. When she got old enough, I sat at the end of her bed, then at her doorway, then on a farther chair in her plain view, etc. My daughter wouldn't get out of her daybed - she'd just call for me. It took her a while. Like I said - she started consistently sleeping thru the night at 2. She just turned 4 with a brother that IS sleeping thru the night. So it does end. I hope this helps - have any questions - message me. Don't beat yourself up. Just remind yourself that you ARE a good Mommy.

Hello Miss M.,

I have had this problem before and what worked for me was "white noise," ( a fan) or a cd with sounds of nature and the ocean! I know how hard it is to have to let your 2 yr old cry for it made me feel soooo bad! But once I was consistent for about 5 days straight and used the above devices, he slept through the night because of the devices were a familiar and comforting sound to him!

Good Luck!!

Hi M.! I was you and the key word is "Was" My son was the same way and I finally got to the point was in order for me to be good mom I needed to sleep and so I had to get tough and I also told him before bed that he had to stay in his room all night and rest and in order for me to be the best mom I needed to rest. I just keep telling him over and over and we started a bed time routine and I kept to it even when he didn't. My son is 4 and he still tries to pull stunts but I tell him I can't do it and I'm tired and I want to be a good mom so good night and I'll see you in the morning. I was tough and it at first broke my heart and then I decided I can't do this and I need rest because I was not being nice because I was tired. He cried a lot and I cried a lot but we got through it. I would even remind him during the day and before bed time how it was going to run. STick to your guns and try not to feel bad be cause you really need to look at the bigger picture of it and how he will sleep down the road. My son is now sleeping 10 to 11 hours at night. Yes he is 4 but girl be strong and you can email me back at any time. If she wakes up put her back to bed without saying a word to her and no eye contact. I sure hope this helps. Mercedes PS take naps so you can be mentally and emotionally prepared for the night to come and you are a good mom!!

I had horrible sleeping issues with my son when he was a baby and went through many philosophies and finally settled with a baby book and philosophy I loved. He became a great sleeper. I advise to get the book from the library and see if it fits your needs. It's called the Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems by Tracy Hogg. It just teaches you about "accidental parenting" and how to lovingly teach your baby to soothe themself. It worked like a dream on my son, and I got it again to review with my now 7 month daughter. I had her as a great sleeper until she got sick and forgot how to soothe herself. Try it out you might find that you really like the parenting syle like I did!

Our son started getting up at night, and I'd rock him back to sleep. It became a habit quickly, even though he'd slept through the night before. A friend told me a "cry-it-out" plan, and he stopped after only one night! It was not harsh at all, like people say. And we were VERY thankful! We had been driven crazy there for awhile.

This is all you do: The first night, when she wakes, go in and rub her back or tummy for 10 seconds (count them in your head). Then say "night-night" (just once) and leave the room. She will cry like a maniac. Set a timer for 5 minutes. Go back at five minutes and do the same exact routine. Repeat until she is quiet. My baby realized after about 3 times that I wasn't going to hold him, so he stopped crying and slept. But if your baby takes longer, this is what you do: Go back every 5 minutes for the first night (she may go back to sleep, but wake again in 3 hours or so, and you'll repeat it). On the second night, lengthen the time to 10 minutes, and to 15 minutes on the third night.

It is not cruel at all, because they know you are always there to check on them, and that you will respond in a very steady way every time. The important thing is that you do the routine exactly and don't tarry and hold on to her, etc. It should work like a charm! Hope it does for you and you get your sweet sleep. :-)

M., I truly feel your pain. You might want to try moving the baby's bed into your room and simply see if sleeping in the same room helps. At the very least, you'll have less distance to travel when she cries at night. Not to add to your distress, but I must tell you that your problems are similar to what I went through with my daughter. She was later diagnosed as having Autism Spectrum Disorder. Can your daughter self-soothe during the day? Does she respond well to cuddling and other signs of affection? And finally, have you seen a really good pediatrician about this? Best of luck!

M.,

You have already gotten good advice on the other posts, so let me just reiterate what they said & maybe add some things.

Each kid is very, very different. What works on some does not work on others, and what works on your child this week may not even work in six months!!

There is NO 'wrong' or 'right' way to do any of it. The important thing is to keep the child safe & secure & keep everyone as emotionally stable as you can in the long run. When you feel like you are getting overwhelmed take a deep breath for yourself & try to relax before you feel yourself getting overwhelmed.

Your daughter may benefit from a different nap schedule that what you have now, so that she is more ready for bed. You may even be keeping her up too late. My brother & his wife have been depriving my poor niece of sleep for years!! At 15 months your daughter needs at LEAST 12 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period, many people mistake kids getting that 'second wind' or 'slap happy' phase in the evening as meaning they are not ready for bed, when in fact, you have already missed the original window.

My daughter is 5, and we start the 'pre-bedtime' thing around 5pm!! She does not nap, so she is in bed at 7pm, and sleeps until 7 or 8 am. Around 5pm we start picking up our toys & things from the day & get the bedroom cleaned up. We talk about the day & what she liked or did not like. We shoot to eat around 6 or 6:30 so that she has time to digest the food before going to the potty, brushing teeth, washing hands & getting into bed for a (short) book. I keep an assortment of shorter, quiet bedtime books for her to choose from.

I think the most important thing is to establish a good transition period from busy daytime activities to evening, and especially a set routine for the transition & bedtime. Small children crave rituals & routines, it will help to signal to her busy, busy brain that the bedtime is coming & (hopefully) help her to get into a calm mode.

Kids soak up SO much information during the day, and we are all so very, very busy that I think sometimes we all put too much expectations on small kids to be able to process it all & shut off with almost no warning. I am not saying that is what you are doing, but they are simply NOT able to do that. They are still learning how to deal with emotions & excess energy so it is up to us to help them to shut this down & learn how to deal with it.

Most of all, they just need to know that someone they love is there, and they are safe. Sneaking out of the room is never a good idea, she'll wake up & get all upset all over again. Be patient with the process, but establishing a routine & sticking to it, especially at the same time will really help.

Good luck, and enjoy your daughter while she is little, they grow up WAY too fast!!

B.

M.,
First of all, you didn't do anything wrong. You did what you thought was right and at the time it was working for you. It may be more challenging now but it will still be about doing what is right for you. If you are up to it, Cry It Out may be a solution for you but your daughter will get hysterical and may throw up but in the end you need sleep as does she. My favorite sleep book is Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Baby. It doesn't give a lot of how to's but it does give you a lot of reasoning on why sleep is sooooooo important. There are so many methods -- the No Cry Sleep Solution (book), Ferber, Sleepwise and any combination that works for you. My friend did not feel comfortable leaving her child to cry it out alone so she spent a couple of weeks sleeping in her child's room but would not necessarily interact with the child (eye contact or other). She would use ear plugs too. This way she felt as though she did not abandon the child but was helping to teach them to sleep on their own. Every night she would move closer to the door and eventually she was out. This worked for her. For me, I let my son cry. And he did throw up but it actually worked for us -- much to my chagrin and suprise. Sleep is so important for you to be a great mom and for your child's development. It may require you to be come very strict about sleep schedules but it will be worth it.

You are doing great... please don't think you made a mistake. You did what was working for you and your family. Now it's not, just time to reajust, that's all. Sleep issues never seem to go away, they just change over time

Every kid is different! I know we expect babies to sleep through the night by a few months, but that really isn't how it usually works. Are you still breastfeeding? Many babies don't sleep through the night until they are weaned... though I wouldn't wean to get them there either.

I love The No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantly. This book has really gentle, practical ways to help your child sleep well, and fall asleep on their own. It took my son from 1 hour stretches to 7! Also Sweet Dreams A Pediatrician's Secrets For YOur Child's Good NIght's Sleep by Paul. M. Fleiss is what I am reading now and it also seems to be helpful.

I would strongly suggest not doing CIO, especially if she is getting so upset she is throwing up! I know some babies get it after a short amount of crying, but many don't. I can't imagine how terrible it feels to fall asleep after hours of crying... many babies just pass out from sheer exhaustion. Just my two cents.

First let me say it will get better:) My little one is almost 2 and has just started sleeping through the night all the time. You need to do what's best for you and your child. Who says it's wrong to rock your baby not let her sleep with you? If co-sleeping works for you guys then go for it. If on the other hand it's not working for you then you need to try find another option. I have heard wonderful praises of the "Baby Whisperer". A few weeks ago my LO had a stuffy nose so I put a pillow under the crib on one side so it's slightly raised. Since then she's slept through the night. I don't know why, but since it's working I'm not changing anything:)
Every child has their "issues". This just might be yours as it is mine. I noticed the more I worried about it the more it stressed me out. I hope you will find what will work for you. Don't let anyone tell you what "wrong", just decide for yourself.
Good Luck!
J.

Hi M.,
Someone recommended a book called "Good Night, Sleep Tight"...I love this book, it talks about different issues with sleep depending on age, and has great suggestions. You might try it. I give it as a gift now to all my friends that are having babies. I actually need to pull it out again, my son doesn't have issues at night, but with nap time now.

I had this problem with both my kids as well. My children are 16 mos apart so by the time my son was 2 1/2 and she was 14 mos I just could not take it anymore.... In my situation my kids had slept with us because of lack of space so at that time when they were 14 mos and 2 1/2 we moved to a 2 bedroom so we transitioned them seperately. My kids both had this problem of putting themself back to sleep which was a very challenging task!

My son we did first since he was older.Since your daughter is younger I will tell you what we did with her instead. After we got my son done we transitioned her from our bed to a crib. First I tried the method where you sit by her bed and gradually move further and further away till she is sleeping alone. Well this method did not work for her.She lieterally would just play and was just happy I was right there so that lasted 2 nights of neither of us getting any lseep. SO my BF was like we have to let her cry it ouy which I so did not want to do because she is my dramatic child and I was like she will cry all night and get all worked up. We tried cry it out and 3 days she was sleeping through the night! Every child is different but at this point she slept better than her older brother! Also at night its best not to giver her any milk if anything just water. My daughter was still breastfed at this poinyt but I gave her a sippy cup of water. My son had a milk issue at night which was never ending and hard habit to break! In my situation daddy is the one who checked on her since she is more attached to me. Well good luck in what you decide...I know its hard and I know you are very tired! I can relate and remeber!

Unfortunately the only thing that seemed to work for me in this situation was to allow my son to cry it out, and yes he did throw up a few times before he realized that I was not going to change my mind on this subject. I did not let him sleep in my bed, but he did decide that he was not going to sleep in his own bed around the age of 2. It is one of those power struggles that we as parents have to win no matter how unpleasant the process is. I will tell you that it took about ten days to get him to figure it out, I read to him and sang songs with him until he was dosing a little and then I snuck out. He might get up once or twice but in the end he gave up on the fits and slept soundly in his own bed.

I'm sorry I don't have advice, but I am cutious about the advice you receive. I have a nin-month-old who I rock to sleep and she sleeps with me. She also wakes up about 4 time/night. Some days I'm beyond exhaustion and others I feel like I can do this for a while. Anyway, I'm sorry to be talking about my issues, but I was just hoping to read what others had to say to you. Thank you, R. S.

Dear M...Some children do not sleep thru the night until they are much older,
When you make a change with a little one , it is best to transition them slowly.
Try....Sitting with her and reading aloud , then put a childs tape of songs like Raffi, or a childrens story on...hold her...until she gets used to hearing the tapes etc...In about a week, read the story, then put her in the crib, put the tape on ...sit briefly....then leave quietly....play the same tape so it's comforting and familiar. Soon, You will be able to put her in the crib ,then put the story tape on...and leave.
However, this does not mean she won't wake up several times
in the night...just go in and comfort her, and put the tape on...When you play a new tape, play it when you are awake with her so she gets used to it, like during her play time, or in the car doing errands.
Babies need comfort...and you are that comfort...Try and develop different ways, wherby she can be without you for longer lengths of time, by making her a safe space to play
Parenting is a selfless journey...and it lasts a lifetime...Be patient with yourself and the child...you are both learning...
A woman never grows up faster, than in the face of parenting...how you handle youself ,will either create a peaceful relationship with your child, or a chaotic one
Take care of yourself, and breathe....alot.
Wishing you and your family a lovely day

Dear M. - I can totally relate to your frustration and desperation. Please be gentle with yourself. Your daughter's sleeping patterns are NOT your fault. In fact you have given her a great gift by letting her sleep with you. There is so much reserach now that shows that sleeping with your baby/child and other "attachment parenting" things (like carrying them around in a sling) help them to grow into very healthy, secure children and adults. But sleep deprivation is HUGE. I have 3 kids and my oldest (11 now) never slept through the night until she was about 3 or so. I thought I was going to go out of my mind. I questioned every choice we had made (we also slept with her and I nursed her a long time) and felt it was somehow my fault. But then our other kids DID sleep through the night (not right away, but sooner than our first!!) and we also slept with them (and nursed them a long time). So I came to realize that some kids just don't sleep through the night as easily or readily as others. Follow your heart when it comes to parenting. So many people will tell you to let her "cry it out" and that it's best to force her now to learn to go to sleep on her own. But I can tell you from experience that that will probably backfire and make your daughter more insecure and clingy and LESS likely to sleep peacefully. My 11yo now is SO secure, sleeps more deeply than any of our other kids, and is a delight.

I would suggest trying a gentle homeopathic remedy to help her sleep more deeply. There is one called Calms Forte (not just the Calms one) that might work. I would give her 1-2 tablets an hour before you're going to bed and then 1-2 more just before you lie down to sleep. Make sure you don't give her anything to eat 5-10 minutes around when you give her the tablets. Also wait that long after brushing teeth. She can chew the tablets. It might take about 3 days before you notice it working so don't get discouraged. Someone who specialized in homeopathy (either a homeopath or a naturopath who specializes in homeopathy) could be extremely helpful. Rescue Remedy (the Bach flower essence) might also be helpful. Just give her a couple of drops diluted in a little bit of water before bed. This would also be perfect to give her when she is upset and crying. Give yourself a dose of two when you're feeling stressed our or discouraged too. It's great stuff!! They also have rescue remedy sleep spray that might help. Hang in there, M.. You're a great mom and don't ever forget that. You will get through this. And on those mornings when you've not slept enough, if you could try to find a friend to watch your daughter for even an hour so you could have a nap that might help so much. Remember to breathe. When all else fails, remembering to breathe and feel my feet on the ground always helps :-) *L.

Our ped recommends easing them out of your room gradually. First, out of your bed into a crib right next to your bed, and then move the crib further away from your bed and eventually out of your room. For the middle of the night, make it low key. No talking, lights out, just tuck her back in.

Hope this helps.

-K.

Hi,
I had a very similar situation. Someone recommended a book by Dr. Ferber, I think it's called "How to Get Your Baby to Sleep through the Night." It discusses every challenge you could possibly have and then a solution. We have used it on all five of our kids because the first one was the sleep challenged one. She used to stick her finger down her throat and throw up. She also used to jump from the bed and throw herself against the door, but she wouldn't come out of her room, it was the strangest thing. Good luck, the book worked great, and fast - the technique took less than a week with all of the kids...

Poor M.!!! I am so sorry that you are feeling frustrated. I know what no sleep can do to you. It makes you irritable, easily sick, and completely worn out. Not having sleep does the same thing to your baby and the two combined can make for long days!! I think you've gotten a lot of great advice on here. My sons are 2 and a half and 7 months and both of them sleep through the night and put themselves to sleep when they are layed down. What always worked for us was the Cry it out method. A lot of people are against it, but it works for everyone that I know that has tried it. It's not abandoning your child... it's simply teaching them a skill that will help them for the rest of their life. I have heard of people that have children 5 or 6 years old that still don't sleep through the night. That is not healthy for parent OR child. The sooner you teach her this skill of putting herself to sleep, the longer she'll benefit from it! I would suggest just committing to letting her cry it out for only five days. If, at the end of five days, there is no improvement, try a different approach. But, in most cases, three nights is all it takes. When I was going through those nights, I would clean my house while my baby cried. This time of listening to your baby cry is hard for EVERY mom. It's heartbreaking. But frantically cleaning helped me somehow. It was better than just sitting there thinking about him crying. I hope that this helped. You're doing a great job and only you know your child. Good luck to you and let us know how it turns out!

Don't beat yourself up! We all have had this experience one way or another. There is a really great gal in Denver her name is Patience Blesken. Website www.parentsandchildrenempowered.com She helped me so much when my girsl were having sleeping issues. She was really great to let me know what was hapening developementally and emotionally for them so I could understand what was going on. My 3 year old still wakes up 2 times a night. It gets better I swear! I think that rocking her to sleep was the greatest thing you cold do for her. There is also a great book called health baby healthy sleep habits. It helps without having to let your kid cry it out. Good luck! If you want to chat off list, ____@____.com

S.

Hi M.,
I highly recommend the book: THE NO-CRY SLEEP SOLUTION
by: Elizabeth Pantley. I went through the same thing you did as well as just ups and downs (good nights and not so good nights) of sleeping with my son. It really helped me because after trying the "cry it out" method for 2 nights, my heart couldn't take it and it did not feel right.

Part of the book talks about talking with the baby and letting them know that you are leaving now so that they can go to sleep. You read them stories/ tuck them in/ kiss them goodnight (whatever the routine is and stick to that every single night - consistency is huge.) you then LEAVE the room. When they start crying (after 10 seconds or so) you go back in and calming console them and re-explain that it is time to go to sleep. You continue this until they finally realize that you are not going to give up and let them sleep with you (you hold them etc.) and they fall asleep. The downside is that it may take you 20 times going in in one night - but the payoff is huge. (That might be an exageration but it wasn't in my case.) Returning to the room sends the message that when they cry, we respond and care - keeping extreme crying to a minimum (once they realize that you will continually return when they cry hard.)

I wind up a little music box that lights up while its playing and have it on a shelf in his room. That has been a comfort for him and aids him in falling asleep (and gives him something to watch and focus on) for the past 7 months or so.

Do you have a night light in the room or something attached to the bed that might be comforting? (aqaurium music light box type thing is great. He used to love that. They can be purchased at Target and definately Wal-Mart) I highly recommend that along with one or more little loveys (stuffed animals or blankie) that will keep them company while they fall asleep.

My son still goes to sleep with a pacifier...whatever helps him feel comforted - especially if he can do it on his own.

Hope this helps. I know how frustrating and hard it can be, I've been there. (Yes, my son threw up because he was so upset - that was during those 2 days of testing the cry it out method. No fun!
Best of luck to you! It WILL work out! Definatley check out that book from the library..definatley worth purchasing however! I can always lend you mine if you need to! :)

One last thing is in the book it mentions to play in their rooms with them at least once a day for a while doing something really fun (Playing music while blowing bubbles, giggle, tickle and laugh with them for a while, dance, read stories etc.). The book says that this helps with sleep because the room is then associated with those good times. It may help not to put a toddler in time out in their rooms too...?

Good luck and take care!

You are NOT a bad mommy! I have 3 kids and with all of them I held them until they fell asleep up until they were at least 18 mo old. I still do it with my 14 mo old. she will learn to go to sleep on her own. What we do is put the baby down in the crib and lay on the floor or spare bed in the room. That way she can still see you and be comforted. Gradually you can get closer to the door. Sometimes you may be sitting up by the door, but it works. Also, start putting her down to fall asleep on her own at nap time. It's not as dark and scary. You may need to start off the same way, but she'll learn. Good luck!