Tips for Ways to Conclude Breatfeeding Peacefully

Hi A.. I am a mother of 3 breastfed kids and also am a lactation consultant. First of all let me congratulate you on nursing for 2 years. You have chosen to give your baby something that 25% of American women do not ever do.

Part of what may be happening here is that your 2 year old is trying to have more contact with you since you are away at work. I always suggest to my working moms that they co-sleep so the baby gets a little more contact with the working mom. However, in your case, waking that frequently during the night is really excessive. I have a few suggestions. Have a sippy cup and offer that when she wakes. Turn down the heat as she might be too warm and this may cause her to wake, especially if she is thirsty. Try having a conversation with her about the sun coming up-see it's dark out, see it's light out, now the sun is up, and after a day or 2 of this, tell her at bedtime that we are not going to nurse, or your word for that, until the sun comes up. She'll wake up, offer her the cup, and when she says no, she wants to nurse, say 'remember we are not nursing until we see the sun.' You both can also try playing 'dead' when she wakes up. You're not abandoning her as if she were down the hall crying for you. You are right next to her, but you are sleeping. She'll probably fuss and then lie down next to one of you and go back to sleep. And be sure that you spend as much time with her as possible during the day, which I'm sure you already do, even though you're exhausted.

This too shall pass...you'll look back one day on this and it will just be a blip in your motherhood :)

I had a similar experience with my daughter although she was only 1 rather than 2. I found that when she was sleeping in the bed with me she expected to nurse and it was too easy to do since she was not a good sleeper. We finally decided to move her to her own room and wean. I found that having dad step in and do some of the things that she typically wanted to nurse while doing like bedtime helped a lot because it wasn't available. She fussed about it for a little while but finally took a substitute which she would have refused if it was offered from me. It only took a couple of days now she is totally fine with substitutes and no longer even tries to nurse. We also found out that she finally sleeps much better!! She now sleeps through the night - she wasn't nursing at night because she was hungry it was just a comfort due to interrupted sleep. Now that she is in her own bed she sleeps much more soundly.

I think there are 2 issues to tackle. Nursing and co-sleeping. I don't think you can easily kick the nursing with her in your bed. I'd go cold turkey on keeping her in her crib. I had to do this with my daughter about 2 months ago. She was about 25 months and I was 8 months pregnant. We'd bring her in our bed when she woke crying, just to keep the peace and get back to sleep asap. But knowing that another baby is on the way (40+ weeks and still waiting, whaaa!), and it was uncomfortable for me since she has to sleep right up in my space, I had to end it fast. So one night when she woke I just went in her room and told her that she had to go back to sleep in her crib. She didn't take it well at all, so I sat in the chair next to her crib. She wailed for 2 hours and then fell asleep. Same thing the next night. It was ugly for those 2 nights, but then she realized that we weren't giving in and she's been sleeping in her crib ever since.

I would have your husband tackle this task - let you sleep. That will end the night-time nursing. If you want to ease her out of nursing gently, maybe continue with some daytime feedings. Or go cold turkey with this too and be done with it.

I was super stressed about how to end it with both of my kids. It turned out that it was easier to not think about it so much and just let it happen.

The main thing is for her not to lose the close time with you. Try substituting nursing time with a cuddle time with you while she drinks a cup of regular milk (or chocolate milk if that special treat would distract her from nursing. Luckily, at two you can talk to her and explain that the nursing time is coming to an end. I think you can do many things to make her feel close to you without nursing. But you will have to stand your ground, and I think eventually stand your ground about having her sleep in her own bed. Good luck!

I am no expert on this, seeing as I am still nursing my 3-year-old (mornings and after work only). I have debated weaning him for some time, but have no compelling reason to do so. But I wanted to mention that you should not think that if you dry up your milk supply that your daughter will self-wean. At this age, nursing has little to do with the drinking of milk, but is almost completely for the comfort of suckling. My 3-year-old nursed throughout my pregnancy with his little sister and my milk had totally dried up. It did not deter him in the least.

However, I did night wean him about a year ago, when I found out I was pregnant because I did not want to be waking up all night long to nurse TWO kids. I don't think there is any easy way to do it. He was two at the time and I just blamed it on the dentist (which was partially true) and said he told us no more "boobies" at night because it was bad for his teeth. And then I just strictly enforced it and told him he had to wait until morning. The first night was horrible, the second not as bad, and after that it was fine. He got over it pretty quickly and learned to sleep through the night without. He still has some relapses from time to time when he tries to nurse at night, but I just tell him "No, go back to sleep" and he usually complies. (Oh, and we also co-sleep. We don't have space for him to have his own room, even if we wanted to.)

The easiest, although gradual, way to wean a toddler is to not offer and not refuse. This means you don't lay down at naptime or bedtime and offer nursing because you are really tired and need your child to nap. Harder than you might think. Also, thinking up distractions really helps. And having Dad around, even though it isn't for reasons that you are happy about, can help because he can take her outside or play with her to distract her from asking for breastmilk. My oldest weaned for ice cream at night, returning to the bed afterward promising to be quiet because Mom was already sleeping. In the morning, Dad offered cereal or a trip to the playground. The last time he nursed was when he fell down and needed comfort. Weaning is easiest in the warmer months when kids are thirsty for water and other drinks.

Nursing continues to offer nutritional and immunilogical benefits into toddlerhood so don't feel bad for keeping it up just to get more sleep. Figuring out how to get more sleep is a big part of parenthood.

One thing to consider before nursing is whether the breastfeeding is part of the problem or whether parenting a toddler is just very demanding. Also, how will you handle those times when nursing would have been an easy fix.

Many moms cut down or eliminate night nursing by teaching their kids about the difference between night and day and then promising to nurse when the sun comes up. Two year olds also understand the idea that Mom will be more fun is she isn't so sleepy. Your daughter will likely wean to a cuddle with mom rather than replacing breastfeeding with food or drink, at least at night.

Good luck! You will get there. And you must be so proud of yourself for working and taking care of your family.

A.,

My sister nursed her daughter till she was 20mos old. My sister had decided she no-lonnger wanted to breastfeed. At that point she had a 2 day business trip. When she returned home she told her daughter, she couldn't nurse any longer because they were broken and couldn't be fixed. Her daughter had a few rough days(1-2) but, my sister stuck to the story and her daughter just accepted the fact and moved on to other things. It was really a non-issue after a day or so. Good Luck. Remember somtimes what we fear will be a major issue for our children turns out to be minor for them.

hi A.,
obviously this doesn't apply 100%, just throwing it out there.
in the horse world, almost every mare is forcibly separated from her nursing young at some point. the weaning is miserable, and yet most horsefolks would tell you it's 'kinder in the long run.' well, i know a few (a very few) situations where the mare and foal have been allowed to do it themselves, gradually. it's a lovely gentle process, involving the occasional pinned ears from mama and cheerful acceptance by baby, and zero trauma. and a happy, confident young horse at the end of it.
i have give you a rueful shake for thinking yourself selfish for wanting sleep, especially under your extremely demanding circumstances! i think you're pretty terrific.
i guess all i want to say is, there's no need for dread or the end of the world. if YOU'RE bothered by the sleeping situation, by all means work on changing it. but if you're not, don't feel you're doing a disservice to your daughter by allowing her to end breastfeeding on her schedule. it may not be something that you CAN do.....but if you can, it's just fine. as natural as can be.
:) khairete
S.

Congratulations for giving your daughter the best milk for two years. She will be a very healthy and intelligent girl.
I always found ending the breastfeeding to be a sad time. I loved the close relationship I had with my nursing babes. When I got pregnant with Kid two, my breasts were so sore I could not nurse. I had to tell Kid one, "Mommy doesn't have any more milk." She was almost two and she understood what I was telling her. It was sad for both of us. I would hold her close and she began sucking her thumb. I decided to let kid two stop whenever he decided to stop. He lost interest in nursing at 28 months. I was sad but he was healthy and happy. And he never sucked his thumb. AF

A.,
First of all, congratulations on going outside the box of this culture and nursing your daughter for this amount of time and listening to your instincts! I am a childbirth educator and read lots of articles on breastfeeding as well. I just read an article that states that women who nurse their children 2 yrs. markedly decrease their chances of heart disease. I would call the breastfeeding center in DC on K street and speak to one of their lactation consultants. The other thought I had is to use some flower essences to help with this transition. They are homeopathic and have NO side effects and are easy to use. Please feel free to contact me if you'd like more info.
Sorry I can't give you a magic fix it button or something that is a a quick fix and is a for sure thing.
I wish you all the best in this journey.
L. M

You've already got some wonderful responses, but just my two cents worth.
I BF for quite a while. I did the gradual elimination of a feeding, but my son was already in his own bed. I don't know if you could refuse while dd is right beside you! I know this is hard and you did great feeding her this long.

Myself, I would think of making a new routine including her own bed, a cuddling bedtime routine, and tucking in a security item with her. I would help her anticipate this with much talking about it. Make some aspect of it something for her to look forward to for about a week: a toy, a new doll, new music, new night light - something. (yes, my guy understood there was something to look forward to at that age). Then start it on your days off. Explain what will happen if she gets up, comes to your room, etc. Reassure, but put her back. This will take some time and effort on your part, but the end will be worth it.
Ive read a couple books about making some hard decisions with toddlers and the bottom line for me is.... you have to get a back-bone now for their sake, because if you don't it'll be much harder as they get older. If you don't start now (training them in the way they should go), then you have a child run-amok because parent(s) can't say no. Good luck - and hold on to what's best for everyone.

I will mock everything that Stephanie C said, she is right. I did the same with my daughter...she was up like that and i nursed her and slept with her for the same reason. She is 4 now and doesn't wake up near as much but still maybe 1 or 2 times. my now my almost 2 yr old does a little better. I have been doing the "no offer; no refuse" thing with her and it is working GREAT. To have something else ready for her, milk in a cup, bottle or even a snack she may really like. It WILL be harder on both of you to do this "not gradually". You could let her nurse "not as long" and THEN offer something else until finally it could just be the something else. She will prob. cry some? but you may have to be firm at times even in the midst of your gradually changing things however you go about it. I am in the process of doing this with my girl right now and she definitely takes the substitute during the day or whenever she is less tired better than at night. At night she will fuss (scream because she is angry) for not even a 1/2 a minute and go back to sleep but I am still nursing her for the most part and just picking her up and holding her and saying "all done milk..sleep" when I just think shes had enough. I thing she takes it personal and it hurts her feelings a little but then she realizes everything is ok and mommy still loves in in spite of it all. I think I will try offering the cup and or snack (in case shes hungry) in the night(Iv'e only done that during the day so far) I am right along with you; if you are interested in my email for support or encouragement as you go through it please email me at ____@____.com God Bless
K.

If you have any family nearby this is what I would do. Send her to stay with Grandma or Auntie for the weekend (or even week if the family member is amenable). Ask them to make it a super special fun time for her if they can so she's not feeling traumatized. Stress to her that since she's a big girl now, she gets to have an extra special weekend at Grandma's (or whatever). Once she returns to you don't bring the subject up at all. If she brings it up tell her that she was just fine at Grandma's without nursing and tell her that together you're going to see how long she can go without it. Make up a chart with stickers and a little reward if she goes a whole week. After a couple of weeks, so probably won't even remember what it is she's doing to earn those stickers.

Separating from her for a couple of days allows you and her to make a fresh, new start once you're back together again and is a cleaner break than any other way. I didn't have any family nearby when I weaned my oldest so it was a lot tougher. The key is to not talk about it much if at all and just make it seems natural to her. Distract her with something super fun at those times of day when she usually nursed. At night, since your husband isn't working right now, you're just going to have to get her sleeping in her own bed. He should handle all of the sleep training right now since if you go in, she'll just want to nurse. If her dad goes in, the option isn't even on the table. Plus you get to keep sleeping.

I vote for the "going out of town," which is exactly what happened with my daughter, I had to go away on business for two days, and when I came back she wasn't interested, she had gotten used to dad putting her to bed. Maybe instead of sending her somewhere else, *you* could take a relaxing trip! I just don't think gradual works with two-year-olds. They don't have the same sense of time adults do. If you lay down a new routine and stick to it, within a week (or less) she'll be used to it, which has got to be better for both of you than spending weeks or months trying to eliminate one nursing session at a time.

And hold up, rewind, you dread standing up to a two-year-old? Sure, it's no fun, but it's better than standing up to a three- or four- or five-year-old, which is what you'll be faced with if you don't change this habit that's clearly not working for you. Of course we don't like our kids to be sad, ever, but if she wanted to drive, would you let her? You're the only breadwinner of the family, and if you're sleep-deprived and you can't do your job, you could lose that job, or crash into a tree. Your sleep is important to the entire family's well-being. Drying your milk up won't make a difference, she's not nursing for nourishment.

It sounds like you need to put your foot down and refuse to feel guilty about it. What about deciding she's going to sleep in her own bed or crib, your husband's in charge of keeping her there, and that is that. Pop in some earplugs!

Consider, too, that she's not a bad sleeper, but that maybe she's just never learned how to fall asleep on her own. She's not going to want to, and she's going to be sad for a while, but in the long run it's going to be better for her to know how to go sleep without someone else's help.

I was just thinking, not that this will work for you, that maybe it is time to make a big girl room with a big girl bed for your daughter. Having her in her own bed will help your situation. However, I would never tell a mom to stop breastfeeding. The benefits are still working! This is her time to bond with you since you are working. One day she might not be around-all grown up. She won't still be breastfeeding in the future. They do outgrow the need!

La Leche League always says you should wean gradually with love. I had one of my girls that I needed to encourage to wean around 2yr. I thought she might wean on her own b/c I had to travel when she was 2yr and we were gone for a week. I was home for 30min. before she wanted to nurse. When I decided to wean her about 6mo. later, I just had to be on my toes and anticipate when she would nurse. She liked to nurse when I sat down to work on the computer so I tried to do that when she was napping or give her a snack or cup before I sat down. It was a lot of being too busy to nurse her and giving in when she caught me. It took a couple of months but it was worth it to take "don't offer, don't refuse " approach. My daughter would also wake in the night and come into our room to nurse instead as soon as she came in we would go get her a cup to drink or a piece of bread. So for a while after she was weaned she would get a cup from the fridge or a piece of bread for herself and bring them to me to snuggle while she snacked. It sounds like you want to be done asap but I would encourage you to not rush too much it will be harder on both of you.