The Holidays

You work full time with no paid vacation and no paid time off? Is that legal? You left teaching g for this job! Holy cow. I hope the pay is beyond phenomenal. My feeling is, at Christmas, you want to see us, you come to us. I am not moving. End of discussion. How old are his parents? That might make a difference. I still can't get over no time off of a full time job.

It sounds like to me that your in-law probably don't care much for you and that's why hubby goes by himself.

Xmas is for family; I would tell hubby either he stays home for xmas with you, or he stays at his parents' indefinitely when he goes there.

Sorry, but he is not compromising; he is having his cake and eating it too. And he is also indulging his family's wishes in coming alone.

That absolutely would NOT continue to happen in my marriage. In my marriage, me and the marriage come first. Anything less is unacceptable.

My very good friend's husband is a high school teacher and a coach of 3 sports at their local small high school, so I can absolutely understand your husband's schedule and I've often thought to myself that she is indeed like a single parent as he's up and out of the house at 6:30 and back home sometimes as late as 10 p.m. He enjoys it tremendously but for the measly stipend they pay him, it sure wouldn't be worth missing out on your kids' lives.

Anyway, my husband taking off alone to his parents' house on Christmas wouldn't fly with me. What is the history behind your and your in-law's relationship?? Why can't they come stay at your house for a day or two during Christmas? I don't understand this and I think there is more to it.

Mom:

Welcome to mamapedia!!!

I'm sorry you have a job that does not include PTO as a benefit. That would suck. BIG TIME.

We don't do anything "special" for Holiday's. My family lives on the other side of the country - so to fly a family of 4 across the US is a tad expensive....

My husband's family - his parents are both dead. One of his sister's lives in Georgia. The other in Boston. Both like to be with their immediate family (children and/or Significant Others) on holiday's.

If either of our families were only 4 hours away - I am sure we would pack up and drive there. However, we have jobs that give us PTO.

Why not invite them to you? Then you don't pack up the family and you still get to celebrate. I would be PISSED if my husband wanted to go off at Christmas by himself to see his mom and step dad. That would SOOO not work for me. Christmas is a FAMILY holiday.

If they don't like you? Have a sit down with them - talk with them - and tell them what you feel - get it straightened out.

Good luck!

4 hours trip to see his family is not too much. It's inconvient but not unreasonable. in order to be together, I'd do it. At the very least you could then ask them in person to switch the hosting every other year.

Have you considered going back to teaching? If you went for a Master's degree you might be able to finish it in a couple of summers then you could work in a Jr. College level classroom. Better money and benefits once you get tenured.

I think it's definitely a possible way to go.

We spend Christmas at home. Just the 3 of us. It's the best day ever. We laze around in our pjs most of the day, take our time opening presents, watch movies, and then the hubby and I cook dinner together.
We don't have to drive anywhere, or be on a time table, or deal with traffic or loading up presents or driving in snow or any of that mess. It is the most peaceful, enjoyable day.
We go over to my mom's house in the week between Christmas and New Year's to open presents and so my family can spend time with my daughter. My hubby's family always has had a large celebration on New Year's Day so he and my daughter go to that and get to see his side of the family. I don't go because his mother and I have...ahem... issues, shall we say.
Can your family do something like that? Like, your hubby spend New Year's with his family?

I don't think 4 hours is too much. I, too, would have a problem with him going off at Christmas when that's a family time. Be the bigger person and take the first step with them and invite them personally - not using your husband as a buffer.

I don't know. If he loves coaching, that's great, and if you need the extra money, I get it. But I just don't see where you and the kids fit into his list of priorities. What if YOU were the one doing all this coaching, have you ever asked him to look at it that way? I don't think he would like that at all.
And getting away from you and the kids during his rare time off just adds insult to injury, IMO, especially if he sees his parents often!
And WHY do you need to take your children halfway to visit their grandparents on their birthdays? If the grandparents can't be bothered to come down to see their grand kids on their birthdays it's clearly (again) not a priority for them. If they can't come to celebrate then they can send a card or a gift, there is no reason YOU should spend your precious time off accommodating them. That's ridiculous, I would never do that, and my in laws would never expect me to.
I'm sorry but it sounds like you really do a lot of running around trying to please people who have no respect for your time or feelings, and that's just sad, and wrong on so many levels.

Our family reschedules holidays. It works for us.

If he won't compromise by spending X-mas with you and kids, or by having you and kids join him, or by having the parents come to you, have a family x-mas the weekend before or the weekend after.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

Well the problem is your Husband's coaching all year round.
Is this his job... or is it voluntary per after school sports?
And he is still a teacher as well?

Teachers, typically work 10 months. Summers off.
So, is your Husband still a Teacher as his job, and this coaching thing is something else... he does, on the side voluntarily? Or is it for school?
Can you clarify????

I know some Dads, that coach sports. These are for after school/extracurricular type sports teams/activities for kids.
Hence, it is voluntary. Not a paid, "job" for them. They do this, in addition to their normal day job/work. And yes, it takes up, all of their time.
And their family's, time.

A person has a right to coach if they want. But, they don't have to.
Nor for ALL sports.
Can't your Husband perhaps, just coach for 1 sport? Instead of for basketball and baseball????
That could be an option.

You meanwhile, have a job. And of course, you have normal work "holiday" times. Which it is normal to have only half-days for Christmas or New Year's etc. And you have, NO paid vacation and no, paid time off.
So, you can't help it. This is your employer's, employment, rules.
You do not have the flexibility, that your Husband... has.

To me: your Husband can... choose, to Coach or not. And choose, for how many sports he coaches for or not. He is not the only Dad, that can coach. And his family time and family quality time... is also, essential. And if everything else he does for pleasure, impedes or negates his duties to his family and kids, and home and Wife and holiday time... then to me, he needs to... re-evaluate, what he is doing.

No, it is not all his fault or all his responsibility to amend his schedule.
But, for you/your job... you cannot.
His schedule, seems more flexible.

You and he... NEED TO TALK, about this.
Your Husband thinks that you all can't go see his family because you have to spend time with yours.
But to me, that is not how it is. How it is, is that:
1) You do not have the kind of job, where you can just take off whenever you want nor for however long. SO this is why... "you" cannot take time off to go and travel to go see his parents, with him. AND you have all the kids... on your plate. He does not.
2) You, do not have paid vacations or time off.
3) You do not do, extracurricular/voluntary activities, like coaching, which takes up all of your time.
4) you are not wrong... for wanting him home too. For the holidays or whenever. BUT... he is so busy... with his own coaching, which takes up, all of his and his family's, time.

5) I do not feel, he is being fair.
This is not about "you" as he says.
I would be, irked, too.
This is about... HIM... needing to, amend his own habits and choices and hobbies for coaching. And it seems like-- Your Husband is doing, ALL that he wishes to do. Including traveling to see his parents. But you cannot.
So yes, your feelings are hurt.
And no, it is not just about you.
Don't your kids, need him, too??? But he is so busy coaching and doing what he wants when he wants.

What about him... amending his habits/schedules... and making time for his family.
You, like many others, have a job. A traditional job... in which you cannot just take off work willy-nilly, and you don't have paid time off or vacations.
And... his parents, just do NOT want to... come and visit you all.
That is the other, problem.