Teenage Daughter and Her Father's Relationship

I have no NOW advice, but my father and I were (and still are) very hard headed. It took me moving out of the house and a divorce (mine) for us to be "daddy/daughter" again. I was 23.

Sorry for the lack of help, I just wanted you to know that it will get better :)

Everyone's comments are great. But also you must consider that if you are arguing against your husband or taking your daughter's "side," she will notice immediately and split you more. From the daughter's perspective, I did the same thing not too many years ago with my parents. I think it put a strain on my parents relationship because they did not back each other up. And I could see that. You are the adults. She is not yet. She is still a teenager. I am glad my parents were overall strict with me. I think it would have helped my family life more though if they had been on the same page with discipline, curfews, etc. So, maybe before a conflict arises again you and your spouse should sit down and discuss your expectations and rules for your older children.

Hi J., you have gotten some really great advice! As a mom of teens (2 girls and 1 boy) -- and experiencing some of what you mentioned, I would have to say the most important thing here is to be supportive of your husband. Letting him know that you are not a threat but you have oneness :) And, this lets your daughter see that too! When you and your husband discuss in private the issues involving your daughter, this is a perfect time to talk of the positives about your daughter, like you mentioned! Good Luck!

My dad was very strict when I was growing up, and we had our arguments and there were times I thought I hated him, but it all passed and we have a great relationship, I now understand that he was just a dad being protective of his teenage daughter - and I love him for it. You don't get it at the time, but you usually end up understanding later. My mom let me sneak and do some things that she thought were fine, even though he would not have approved, so it worked out. :)

When we were going through this with my sons, the most important thing I did was talk to my husband. We have totally different parenting styles. He is military and has a tendency to view the world from the "giving orders" point of view. In fact it took me several years to convince him that those stripes "came off" at the door. I on the other hand am firm, but all about communication. I want my kids to know WHY they are doing what they are doing. I never, ever want them to learn to follow anyone blindly without knowing why they are following. He has gotten much better at communicating with them and I have gotten much better at letting him parent without my "help", but as the kids hit the teenage years and started to "bow up" things kind of took a downward turn.

We were finally able to co-parent without alot of conflict when we sat down together and just talked it out. We waited until we were alone and there wasn't a current conflict brewing. I needed to hear how he felt when they talked back and why he felt that way. He needed to hear how I saw things differently and why. We had to agree on the fact that our kids were impulsive (as all teenagers are) and not acting out of spite so much as dumbness. They hadn't yet learned the art of thinking first and then acting or speaking. We had to agree on what our battles were going to be. What could we let go and what MUST be addressed. Then we set up clear rules and agreed on the consequences in advance so that we knew that in a confict we were always on the same page. We agreed on what issues I would handle and what ones he would handle. We agreed that when one got frustrated the other would step in and finish handling things, so that arguments never got out of hand and the kids couldn't make just one parent the villain.

I hope this helps. I really think that even though the trouble is between dad and daughter, the solution will be between dad and mom.

You can't really create the right relationship with your husband and your daughter. Sometimes it won't be the greatest if they are so much alike. But, it does tend to undermine if you interfere. If you still show respect to him, that's what is most important for her to understand. One day she can do what she wants, but if she can respect him that will go a long way. Have you tried talking to your husband privately? I would never discuss things in front of her, but if you really think he's being too harsh, perhaps you two should have a heart to heart.

Good luck. Hope this helps some.

J.,
We were all sixteen once, right? Did you get along with your parents?? Probably not! My dad was very strict with me (his only girl)and I rebelled! If he pushes too hard she'll push back, thus the fighting. It's natural to fight, but ask him privately why he's so strict with her. It may be fear of her growing into a woman that causes the friction, only he knows. I wouldn't get in the middle of the fights because that only undermines his authority, but just start out calmly asking him WHY?? Discuss her rules and what you expect of her with him first and come to an agreement, then with her. Stand by each other. Sometimes good kids do bad things-remember that, esp. when mom and dad aren't around.
Good Luck!!
R.

LOL! My sister & step-dad were the same way at that age. She was in her mid teens and trying to become a woman. She was a good girl & didn't get into trouble. Always honest. Good grades. Kept a job. Payed her bills. Good girl. He would ride her hard sometimes too. We just let them duke it out. What I like to say, She's a first time kid & he's a first time dad. Even though he's been a dad for 16 years, it hasn't been to a 16 year old. He probably just doesn't know what to do with her... How to be her parent. Let her grow up but still taking care of her. Give her freedom with boundaries. They'll figure out their own dance to make this time work. Good luck.

J.,
I can only share with you my experience. Your daughter's relationship sounds alot like my daughter's with my exhusband. He is the "strict one" and at one point, the two that used to be thicker than thieves, had a really strained relationship. But what made the difference was balance. He started taking her on "dates". Just him and her. Time spent talking and listening. A time to re-establish trust on this new level, because God knows, things are surely different than before: she has started developing her own opoinion, she goes places without our constant eye, etc. But with trust and a true knowledge of expectations, things can go alot smoother and your husband may be able to relax a bit. Be patient, this is a new arena for everyone.

I just want to share with you something I lived thru as a child. First of all my father wasnt even in my life. My uncle stepped up and was the father role for us kids. My uncle and I were same as you describe with your husband and daughter. Neither of us gave an inch and he was strict being he was military. When I was in my 20s my uncle and I were closer than anyone.
Nobody interfered in our relationship. We were fine. It was a learning expirence for both of us. And to tell you the truth because of the brutal honesty of it we had a deeper respect for each other. We had to work our differences out by ourselves. I think it might be best if you let them work it out. I know you are concerned about it but I would step back.

Here is what I learned in raising a teenager. Unfortunately, I didn't get it until she was a high school senior and regret what I missed out on. You are still parents, but around age 16 the definition of parenthood takes on a different meaning. You have to begin to incorporate a respect for your teen and their opinions. Doesn't mean that you give up the basic house rules, curfew, drugs, drink, etc. But if you have raised your child well, then you have to trust your child to make some decisions and allow them to be heard. Just because her opinions are different from yours doesn't make them wrong. I suspect daddy wants to keep his little girl, when in reality she is becoming an adult. You will be surprised: somehow respect begets respect -- agree to disagree and look for a compromise. She will always be your daughter; she does grow up and stops being a little girl. Ask your husband to have a conversation with her and let her know that he knows he is losing his little girl and she is becoming a woman. Tell her he wants to know her opinion and that they have to learn how to talk to each other as a father whose daughter is becoming a young adult and ask her opinion as to how she things they could do that. Then really listen. And consider that she might be right. And agree to disagree, but that in certain matters that have the potential to cause harm to her or others, the parent in him has to override. You will be surprised how quickly all will change. And let us know.

I don't know what they fight about but hopely you and your husband don't disagree in front of your daughter. You should try to agree on rules before laying them down to the kids.Or try to set the 3 of you down to talk together and try to come up with rules that you can all live with. Remember trust goes a long way. If she is reliable then trust her until she brakes that trust.hope this has helped.
God bless

Try to convince your husband of 2 things. You both need to be saying the same things, be on the same page. And if you are too strict, you may lose her completely. If yoou both discuss this rationally, you will have a common answer. I>E>
You may go on a double date, but be back by 10. Or something like that. I think he is just worried more about the boyfriend's intentions. (Shades of his past perhaps)

Hi,
Just a quick comment I have learned with my children especially when they were teens.
Talk to your husband and give him this one piece of advise.
Pick your battles carefully.!
Been there done that...grandmother of 8...greatgrandmother of 8!

She's old enough that she wants respect. Has he thought about that and considered a CONVERSATION and discussing each other's views and desires and WHY vs. yelling? Sure would be worth a shot.

Hi Jackie,

When you say you "get involved" do you mean during the argument between, dd and dh? I would suggest that AFTER they have finished and you and dh are alone, that you speak with him about how he handled something. My husband is also VERY strick and the dd and dh butt heads alomst daily. I do not defend her anymore when they are "at it" but once it is over, and dh and I are alone, we discuss. Sometimes he will agree he was too hard, or too mean, or whatever and then when dd gets home from school that day, he will sit her down and tell her he was too hard and that they should come to a compromise.

I think one of the hardest things about raising kids is parents forming an alliance, instead of a stand off between them. keep trying to mediate, but let your husband know you support HIM. He is only being concerned for your daughters welfare (and rightly so, in today's world) so be sure to let him know that you want what's best for her too.

Good luck and keep us informed on how things turn out.

I strongly encourage parents to spend one on one time with their kids, starting at a young age. It will create an underlying bond. It can start at any age though. Remember, she's a teenager, they LOVE to fight with their parents! But, if their relationship is what's worrying you, set up times when each of you can take the two older girls out alone. You can do anything from taking them out to lunch, to just going to the library. Anything to connect with them on a personal level. If they can develop a connection when it's just the two of them, it will probably flow into their everyday relationship as well.

Have you sat down with your husband and explained your concerns? Just the two of you?? If not you need to do it and quickly. Point out rules and regulations are fine and need to be established but there is a point in time where we have to loosen the strings and pick a battle. If he does not keep to the exact same pattern with the younger child there are going to be some serious resentments built up and they will last for the entire relationship of your children.

Family counciling may not be a bad idea. Some churches provide it and all family social service locations provide it as well. Just a suggestion.

P. R

From what I just read I think your husband needs to talk to his daughter like a young friend. Be a parent not a friend but use the language of friend...empathy, non-attacking, non-judgemental, lots of questions, relate your experiences... failures and successes. But talking to her like she is little won't work plus you've got to train her to be a good adult. My husband soemtimes doesn't realize our four year old doesn't have all the phasing she needs to express her ideas clearly. with a teen it's more consepts and how am "I going to be successful." They need to start relating like two people not just father and daughter.

Second suggestion is one on one time. They need to go do stuff regularly that they are both into. Common interest type thing. Even just going to dinner just the two of them once every other week will help. Call it a dad/daughter date.

The commom interest would work best...cars, karate, exercising, art, sceince, even video games. Avoid Movie and TV because you don't talk. If there is something to play or do where they are a team or partners that would help. My babysitter's father wasn't relating to one of his teen daughters and enrolled them in ballroom dancing. Every week they went and learn to dance together. By the end of the summer thay had a differnt relationship. Just some ideas.

Maybe don't get in the middle of the fight but, talk privately with your husband about it later. Ask why he is taking such a hard line about the problem they are having. Let him know you love him and you love your daughter and you just want to help keep their relationship strong. Remind him that she is a good kid and that you need to try and trust her to make the right choices. I wish you luck.(this is the one thing I am not looking forward to, teenage years)

Hello J.: I have a special daughter named Jackie and she's 16 - and I have 5 other children. The blessing is.....and you must remember this, that being strict is keeping her in line and that's why she's a good girl. Make sure that she sees you being appreciative to your husband . I know that it's hard now, but don't be divided on this. She's only getting those wings prepared to fly and really, ultimately, it's preparing your husband for her flight, know what I mean? You need to let up on the fighting and remember that this is only a phase. Try to take more walks and pray more - trust God, He's in control, right? Leave it with Him. You can't go wrong there!! When she becomes an adult, she can do what she wants, and dad will have little say, unless she's living with you. It'll turn out great!

Have a blessed day!

M.

The first thing I would make sure of is that you don't let this situation come between you and your husband. I had the same problem with my 16 yr. old son and husband, though we are now at the point where we both have finally agreed to the same rules, (hubby and I).

Sitting down with hubby, alone, and having a good long talk should really help you both. It's good to be on the "same side" with your spouse. And It's really not easy because someone usually has to compromise. I'm not sure, but I think you are asking for help in him letting her have more freedom to go out and do things with her friends, correct?

If I am right, here are my suggestions. If she has a cell phone, (and she should in my opinion because she IS at the age where she could be doing things), she can check in with you at the times that you and your husband set. We had our now 27 yr. old son call us when he got to his friends house, call when he left that friends to go to another friends, and call again when he got there. He hated it, said no other parents made their kids check in like that and on and on.

But my husband and I felt that the only way we could let him go and hang out, going from one place to another, without US going crazy, was to have him call so we knew he was safe. We know the statistics of teens and cars, but we also knew we had to let him go and have fun! If they haven't learned right from wrong by 16, then they never will. Plus, you have to learn to trust them.

My husband always has said," give the kids enough rope to prove themselves, and if they mess up, reel it in and now they
have to figure out what to do to earn our trust again". It has worked with our first son, and is working with our almost 17 yr. old now.

It took me awhile to let go, I have to say. Personal experience had me wanting to keep them home, and let the other kids come here. But I know that we taught our kids to be careful, respectful, and make smart choices. There comes a time when you need to let them go and show you what they learned.

Hope this lengthy advice helps you and your family out!

R.

I almost wanted to say, you had me at hello, err 16! Hehe. But anyways, I think their relationship will be fine. In reality, I honestly think that when she looks back she will be thankful that her father cared so much about her. Especially in a society where fathers aren’t always in the picture.
I think it is important for couples with children, to talk with each other about their parenting styles and agree on punishments before the problem or action occurs. And make this clear cut for your kids too. So they know what will happen if they for example don't call you and let you know where they are, the punishment will be this:(insert punishment here) Then, the rules are defined.

Communication is key; when dealing with children of any age. If they know what will happen if they break the rules, then they are less like to be a long blow up arguments, and deciding a punishment, after the fact, can lead, (especially teenagers) to view you as being unfair.

So I guess what I’m saying is if they know what will happen, you can discourage them from poor behavior. Also then your husband wont think your steping on his toes because you would have already agreed.

Take care and good luck :)