Success Stories

Not the case with us, but J. be aware that there can be several reactions to self improvement by one partner which is not also embraced by the other partner.

1. there can be the good for you encouragement.
2. there can be the hop on the bandwagon joining in the change.
3. there can be the silent encouragement (not necessarily cheering, but not standing in the way).
4. there can be resentful undermining. (people can try desperately to maintain a sometimes disfunctional status quo, because they are afraid of change). fear of what is motivating you to change (i.e. is there someone else?), fear that your success might further highlight their own inadequacies, fear that you will think less of them, or if you find success, will harp on them to join you down your path to change, might cause a partner to try to undermine your success. Be wary of this, build in extra patience, plan for contingencies.

I've known people who have quit smoking without announcing it to friends and family. In par because they were afraid to fail in the effort, also, in part, because they didn't want to be undermined by well intentioned people. "Looks like you are having a rough day, why don't you J. have a smoke, and try quitting tomorrow"

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

Its not nearly as serious as somethings you listed but..I started being serious about getting some walking in everyday. Then H's company started to pay some on a gym for him. I bought him exercise clothes. I commiserated that he had to come home from work and then go exercise. I still encouraged him to do it. I didn't complain about him being late.
He started going. Now we both have it as a habit.

My H needs see the need, find encouragement and be comfortable about the change. It takes a long time. We are talking yrs of incremental changes.

Dear Heart,

I would direct you to the website SoberRecovery.com

It is a fabulous message board that offers a ton of support and guidance through whatever addiction-related journey you may be on.

It sort of changed my life.

I wish you the best...

i have never in my life experienced this or actually known a couple close to us that have. so i would be interested in your answers.

My husband quit smoking about 4 months before I did, but it did not cause any issues with us, he did not judge M. for continuing and it was not long until I decided I should also stop.

I need more information to answer in depth, which is why you haven't gotten many responses.

That said, I will be general as well. If said spouse is not on board than you need to find other support systems like friends, other family members or even support groups. If it's drugs, than there's Narcotics Anonymous. Alcohol, Alcoholics Anonymous, food, Overeaters anonymous.

IF you are waiting for your spouse to come on board, you may be codependent.

Again, I would need more information but understand if you don't want to share.

Good luck

Smoking/drinking/drugs vs exercise...there's a big difference between those things.

I eat right and exercise on my own. I prepare healthy meals for the family. My husband could stand to lose at least 50 lbs, but doesn't care. He chooses not to exercise and sometimes goes out and buys his own chips to have before dinner. He likes how I have changed physically over the past year or so but apparently not in a way that makes him want to join in with M.. Oh well. I J. keep doing my own thing.

Now...if he had a destructive habit that was threatening to my health, safety, or even existence, now that would be a whole other story entirely.

I think the lack of response here might be due to the vagueness of your question. At the same time, if both partners are invested in a relationship, they should be supportive of each others goals, even if they don't have a desire to adopt those goals as their own as well.