Step Parenting

hello, I understand exactly what you r going through. My 9 yr old son just got in trouble at school on friday and got in school suspension for fighting. Patience. You have to have tough love continually. They will try your patience over and over again to try and break you down. The school offers ounseling free. and they also have programs to help children who have aggression and trouble communicating their feelings. My son was in the COPE program for 3 years and it has changed him alot. They provide daily counseling. Ask the school about it. I have seen great results. But with every child, they need to know that their parent cares. Defiance is a tough one to over come, be strong and stay persistant. Their is a book "the five love languages" also helped me understand what their emotions are. My grandmother is a child psychologist and their are a lot of ways to help, 9 is a lot harder because they r set in their ways, but better now than never. Take her to the juvie center and show her where children end up who don't care about what happens to them. I did a tour and the youngest is 8. My son realized life is better on the other side. good luck.

counsleing is the best thing to do but in the mean time, first you and your husband have to be on the same track and be consistent. set rules, write them down and have her sign them. that way she cant say she didnt know the rules. be very firm. She may be trying to get attention and is getting it in negative ways. dont reward bad behavior but also try to spend time alone with her and your husband should too. no ohter kids around. say wednesday nights for an hour. or go on dates. this may bring you closer to her and give her the attention she needs. just dont make it fun for her if she is getting in trouble. she may fight you on the time at first but after a while she wil look forward to her time. also make sure that you reward positive behavior. if she does something right tell her so, just giving negative feedaback all the time will make things worse. good luck

Hi S.,
I'm so sorry you and your family are going thru this. Sounds like your step daughter has some real "hidden" issues that she just don't know how to deal with. It also sounds like she doesn't know how to communicate her feelings other than to make bad choices. There is hope for her. I found this website that's called LifeLines Family Services. It helps families and struggling teens. Even though your step daughter may not be a teen yet, I'm hoping that this website and its staff can help direct you in what you can do. Please give them a call and ask them if they can help provide a "pre-teen" intervention. It's imperative that she gets help before she reaches her teen years. It will just benefit her most that way. God Bless you for being such a loving and caring Mother! Best wishes, let me know how it goes. G.

My recommendation to you is to not just remove the school trips, but to remove EVERYTHING. Gut her room. Reduce her down to a bed with sheets, a blanket and pillow. Make her EARN everything back one piece at a time. Make her know and feel that she is not in charge. She will turn around eventually when she realizes she isn't the boss of her life.(Not yet anyhow...) BTW, this is advise taken from one of Dr. Phil's books, not my own, but I do know it does work. Good luck, and keep us posted on her progress.
Sincerely,
A. Tacey (hiknchic)
South Rim, Grand Canyon, AZ

Welcome to the many issues of step parenting. First like was recommended to me was get this child a real phyisical. have them check everything, blood, urine etc. Then try a counciling center. I tried the family counciling center where my 12 year old perfered and took 3 months of indiviual concouling just to be able to express himself correctly. In the meantime a interview and testing with a phycistrist and school testing showed my son is High IQ and needs more challenge and yet is having emotional issues and is need of professional help. We are doing both and I have even been involved in classes to teach me how to deal with a High IQ - Depressed child.

I am not a step parent but I am a mother of five great kids and 4 almost 5 beautiful grandchildren. There were many times when I didn't know what to do with inappropriate behavior. After reading your dilemma let me say just a couple of things. You are on the right track already by being concerned and not giving up on loving her. Keep that part up. But....something is definitely hurting her and she needs help. When I had done everything I could do I sought help wherever there was any. Even if you don't see results from it, you and her daddy need to give her UNCONDITIONAL love. I know it is hard to find times that she is not.."in trouble" but I will never forget my daddy holding my troubled son after horrible things he had done and my son was squirming and fighting him and my dad held him tight and whispered in his ear "you can fight me all you want, but I will always love you" ....he showed him that he meant it in every way and my son knew it was true as soon as he heard him say it. It was a real turning point and that relationship saved him many times. Good Luck.

I have no idea what it's like to be step parent, just know I'm sure it takes more patience than single parenting. If you and your new hubby are on the smae page and counceling will work then the only suggestion I have that was given me by a great councelor with our 7 year old is... try your hardest to praies and focus on the positive things that she is doing to try and minimize the negative attention she might be seeking...even so small as " I sure noticed the way you hung you bag up after school, that was really responsible...way to go!" Anything and eveyrhting helps and the more constant you are with that the faster things seem to turn around. For evey negative thing said to a child it takes 9 postivie to make up for it. Our son was borderline ODD - oppositional defiance disorder and this technic has really helped us.
Good Luck
-A.

Hi There,

You sound like a very nice person and a good mom. I only know from experience of being a step-kid. It sucks. It's the hardest thing int he world to be a kid and watch your family tear itself apart. You sit there and dream of your parents getting back together until another woman suddenly takes your dad away from you. I know it's not your intention to hurt this little girl but she is in a lot of pain. The only thing you should do is give her more time with just her dad and some counseling without you there at first. Unfortunately you represent the demise of her family and this isn't in her control. She will learn to deal eventually because you both sound like good parents but for now it will take a long time for her to heal and her dad should really be there for her as much as possible.