Step Dad-Daughter Issue

I am only another mother and parent, but the first thing that pops into mind is that she is going through the issue of you having had more than three fathers for her. She does not want this for her sister and she is keeping him away before he becomes just a number for her also.

This is a hard one. I wonder is she protecting her sister or wants the attention all for herself. Hmm, you may want to pay more attention to her actions and see how everything is when she visits her dad.

Age nine is old enough to have a serious mature chat with your daughter. I don't think she is being protective of her sister.
No matter how much attention your 9 year old gets, my guess is that she still feels scared of "losing" her stepfather to her sister---she has already lost 2 dads in her young life, right? She probably has some daddy issues.
Ask her. And don't let her try to brush you off, tell her that you are going to sit there with her until she tells you what she is feeling about her stepdad and about her sister.

Sounds like she's a little worried about him having a relationship with the baby that could be closer than the one he has with her. She might be concerned (even without know it herself) that although he has treated her like his own child in the past, now that he has his OWN child that might change, or he might treat the baby even better. Doesn't impact how she acts with you because her relationship to you IS the same as the babies. Not so with step-dad.

It might be worth taking her to a counselor if that's covered in your insurance, although it doesn't sound like it's highly critical.

I'd suggest, both you and your husband finding opportunities to say things like "my girlS" and "my two daughters" etc. so that she knows there is room for both girls in the family.

Good luck,
T.

Sounds like she's gone through a lot of family changes in her 9 short years. It seems obvious to me that she is not protecting the baby but trying to keep her "daddy" from the baby so she can have him to herself. I would sit down with her and your husband and have him (& you) reassure her by telling her how much you both love her, that she will never be "replaced" or loved less because of her new sister and each plan on taking her for a date nite once a week (you one week, your husband the next). While you & she are on your date, dad can spend one-on-one time with your baby! This will resolve itself in a few months I'm sure, if you guys are willing to be patient with her and put the effort into reassuring her. Congrats on the new baby!

She's not being protective of the baby at all, she's being protective of her relationship with her stepdad. You don't say how long your husband has been in her life, but she's old enough to know he is not her bio-dad, and she's afraid that the baby will take love away from her. Be honest and direct with her; tell her and show her through your actions how much she's loved. She's at a tough age - puberty is just around the corner - there's a lot going on in her head/heart right now. Maybe involving her in the care of the baby might help as well. It's tough, I know, but it sounds like he's a wonderful guy and he gets it. It'll work out.

How long has your husband been in the picture. You mention he is great and treats her like a daughter...does she think of him like a dad? Does she feel close to him? Does she enjoy her time with him? If so maybe it is that she is worried about being replaced or not loved by him as much as his biological baby is loved by him.
Another possibility...
I notice that in describing the problem you used the words "...she is being so protective of her sister and pretty much not letting my husband around the baby." Is there any possibility that he has done something that has made her uncomfortable and she feels the need to protect her new baby sister from being physically close to him? Does she try to seek his attention, play with him or spend time with him when the baby is not around as well? If she has experienced anything that makes her uncomfortable (even if perfectly innocent and misinterpreted) she could be trying to play a balancing game of protecting baby sister, putting on a happy face to protect mom from the emotional and financial pain of another divorce and herself from another man leaving with space for yet another unknown man to come into the picture.
It is important that all children be educated about good touches, bad touches, and listening to their gut if they get an icky feeling around someone but can't put their finger on exactly why, on boundaries and that it is ok to have boundaries ie: not hug someone if they make them uncomfortable..and that if any of these things arise...even if it is just an icky feeling they should always tell a trusted parent/grown up/both. Parents should make sure the child knows they will not be in trouble, and the trusted parent will believe and protect child. There are books about how to go about this. All of that can be said without implying possibly innocent persons of inappropriate behavior.
I'm sorry-I know that is an icky subject, I feel uncomfortable even putting it out there but these things happen more often with step fathers. Obviously I don't know your husband or your family... I would feel remiss if I didn't put it out there so you could consider all possibilities.
Having said all of that it is very possible that it is just jealousy. Maybe take her to a counselor to get to the bottom of the jealousy stuff and help her out with it and the counselor can pick up on if they suspect anything worse is playing into it?

Sounds like she just wants your husband all to herself. Just keep in mind that she is having natural feelings and he still needs to give her one on one attention along with inviting her to participate in time with the baby too.

Given your daughters history - her biological Dad left home, then another step-Dad left and now this is man #3 in her short life she is either protecting her "turf" OR protecting the baby from a Dad walking out on it... Or she could just be acting out because of all of the changes and she knows that this way is really getting everyones attention.

Taking her to see a Child Therapist might be a good idea - it will make her feel special (if you focus on the therapist being her "special friend" who she can talk to) and it can't hurt!

Good luck and congrats on your new baby.
blessings,
Stacy

I have see that jealous conduct in more younger kids, but it is possible that she could be jealous or scare to lose another parent. She also could be protecting her sister. Have you ask her what are her feelings/worries?
I live in the same family kind, remarried when my girl was 2 years old, Have another baby girl when my older was 10.
I did notice a little jealousy between me and her sister but in a very different way, she actually would hug me more, kiss me more.
But it didn't last long, she is now absolute in love of her little sister, she get upset because the baby doesn't call her name, when we pick her from camp she went to the baby first and was so happy she hug her.
What ever are your daughter reason to behave like this, you should ask her, she probably will tell you that nothing is going on, so you have to keep a close eye to other clues.
Is she jealous of you too? Does she show affection to your husband? When dad is not around how she behave with the baby?

After reading your post, to me it seems very clear that she's feeling a little out of place right now. She's used to plenty of attention from her step-dad and now there's this baby in the way. She might not be sure where she fits into this new family where she's the child of divorce and the new baby is both of yours. I'm sure she loves the new baby but might be worried that daddy is going to bond with this new baby of his own. Now that her father has a baby on the way too, I worry about here. She will feel like the "odd man out." I'm not trying to make you feel bad. Don't worry, she'll be okay. Fortunately, she is 9 and easier to communicate with than a younger child. Go out of your way to make her feel like a valued part of your family. Ask for her opinion on little things. Let her make more decisions in the household so she can find her "place" again. Congrats on the new baby. Transitions are always so hard on children. She'll get through this, as long as she's constantly reminded that she's loved and valued.

9 is old enough for her to start understanding things. Reassure her that she is loved and will never be replaced. When Stepdad spends time with her, he should say "I'm going to spend some time with just you!" and then do it.

When he wants to play with the baby, he could gently say "I really love you, and I spent time with just you and now it's the baby's turn."

She should definitely understand that, and by pointing out her special time with stepdad it will help her to label and understand dad's time with the new baby as well.

Also, make sure you suggest other activities for her to do while he's playing with the baby. If she's wanting to hold the baby, let her know it's Dad's turn, and she could go draw a picture of the baby.

Good luck!

In her mind, she used to be the star and now she's been replaced. She wants the undivided attention that her step dad is trying to give to the baby. That's why when he loses interest, she does too. Also, when she's helping you and playing w/ the baby, it's to please you, not because she actually just naturally loves doing that. I'm not saying she doesn't love the baby, I'm sure she does, but her behavior is about getting love from y'all and trying to make sure y'all still think she hung the moon.
I'd have clear boundaries around which times are "everybody together" times, "baby gets the attention" times, and "9yo only" attention times. And also TELL her how much 1 on 1 time w/ her means to you and her step dad. I know she seems old and mature and you really love her help (it's hard having a baby!) but she's really only 9 and sometimes she needs to feel like the baby and not like she has to carry so much responsibility taking care of this new baby that she really didn't ask for.

I agree with the other moms on here.

I don't think she's being protective of her baby sister. (she loses interest as soon as "dad" walks away) I think that she's just worried that he's going to stop doing all the things he's done for her up until now. She's worried that "now he has his 'own baby', and won't want me anymore." It's just going to take some time and work. Try sitting down and talking with her (like you said you would lol) and ask her how she feels, what she worries about, things like that. I know she's only 9, but I'm sure she understands for the most part. She may or may not tell you guys everything, but just let her know if she has a problem or anything, or just wants to talk, that you guys are there for her. Both of you. That way, she knows you guys well always be there for her..no matter what. You guys also need to talk with her about how the baby needs one on one time too. Let her know that it's not that you guys don't want to spend time with her, it's just that she has to learn how to "take turns" now. There's only 1 mommy and 1 "daddy" (don't know what she calls him) and 2 of them. I also think that you should get her set up with something else when he wants to spend time with the baby or have you take her to do something with you. Here's an idea, (if this works for your husband) take your 9 year old out with you (shopping, going to the mall, whatever) while "dad" stays home with baby. That way he gets one on one time with the baby, and she doesn't feel left out.

Also, do you guys all spend time together as a "family"? Like you, your husband, and your 9y.o. all play with the baby together? One on one time is important, but family time is just as important! lol Oh! and it might also help if just "dad" spent time with both of them at the same time. (if he doesn't already) Have them play games together! Like peek-a-boo with baby or "tickle time". It would be good if "dad" holds the baby and "plays" with the 9y.o. Like one thing we do (I've been a "single" mom of 3 boys, so I've had to do this twice! lol) is I hold the baby's arms up and tell my other boy(s) "Oh! Get the baby! Ahhhh!" and they "tickle" him all over! It's really cute and we all take turns "getting the baby" lol Idk what else to say right now, and this is getting kinda long lol, but I have more ideas if you need more help. Just send me a message if you want to talk! :D

Anyways, I hope this helps! Good luck! Just remember, it's just a phase...it will pass with time and work. She's only 9..this is the only way she knows how to "deal" with it.

It sounds to me as if she's jealous and wants his attention on her and not the baby. My daughter does the same thing if I have a baby over and want to hold or play with it.

I just want to add what I remember when I was 9. My real father left when I was 6 months old. My mom met my dad when I was 5 and then married when I was 7. My brother was born when I turned 9. The Christmas before my brother was born I remember clearly. We were hanging ornaments on the tree and getting down to the last few. My dad wanted put the Nativity together. I immediately said no and my mom said that I like to do that. Okay, no big deal. So he went to my Disney ornaments. I quickly ended that too. I feel I acted that way because I can only share up until a point and then I break. (I even sat on one of my new toys at my 5th b-day party because I couldn't stand everyone opening my new toys, so I had to save one) My jealousy issues were never with my brother, it was always about my mom. I seriously thought in the beginning that my dad would jump at sending me away to some far away school. I just missed my mom before she married, when she made all the decisions for me.

I just had a baby and my 4 year old is doing the same thing with me and my husband (her real dad). I don't think their is anything wrong with it, all she wants is to be involved with our newborn. We try to spend as much time with our 4 year old but it's never enough and when we have the oppurtunity to have one on one time with her she would rather spend it with her sister playing tummy time or giving her a bath. I would give it time. A new sibling is alot to take in especially when their are step parents involved. When I was little and each of my parents starting having kids after their divorce it was overwhelming and I got jealous. Maybe during that time daddy has with baby, mommy could take the 9yr old out to play or have more one on one time.

Why don't you do something special with her while your husband plays with the baby? Or you can tell her that he will play with the baby for X amount of time and when the baby takes a nap or whatever she can have some one-on-one time with him. It'll take lots of patience. She's been an only child for a long time. My husband and I have 2 kids 5 1/2 years apart and it took our son some time to get used to our daughter. Good luck.

Maybe she is worried that he will do the same thing to this baby that her dad did to her (Basically abandon her. Yes, he does see her every other weekend. But that's not the same).

Sounds like my life. Me being the 9 yr old.
When my mom remarried when I was 8 and had my brother when I was 9 , my little brother was MY baby and my step dad was just some guy moving in on my baby. To this day I do not have a good relationship with him. The moment my brother was born my step dad's family and my step dad treated me as the red headed step child, I was always introduced as " This is my wife ______ and her daughter B. and our son _____".
My mom didn't give me enough time to adjust to a new dad much less a new brother.
If her dad is still in the picture , the worst thing he can do is try to be her dad, she already has a dad she doesn't need two.

Yes, its normal - she just wants attention/to share his attention! Explain to her gently - let Dad play with the baby, and when he is done you can play with her next - sharing, taking turns, just like with toys! Or you can play with her, while Dad plays with the baby. Its normal to not have boundaries yet - she will eventually need to learn that she is not part of every conversation nor every activity in the house, and its OK to start introducing her to that now. Another suggestion - send Dad and Baby out so you and daughter can have mom and she time while Dad gets Baby time, or vice versa! Don't sweat it - just work on establishing healthy sharing, healthy boundaries, and let her know she is always loved!

LOL... the "baby" has become a "toy". You know... the one that nobody wants until one special person has it, and then it becomes an object of contention? So when dad has the "toy" she wants to play with the "toy", too. As soon as dad leaves, the toy becomes uninteresting, and she leaves as well.

I would highly suspect, that like the toy, it's not her sister that your daughter is glomming onto, but her dad. She wants to be a part of/ have ownership of whatever he has/is doing.

Something to try is this: instead of dad leaving her to play with the baby... put her to work. Have her fetch diapers/ toys/ bottles... send her on "missions" so that the "toy" becomes a group game instead of a one against one game.

This sounds like jealousy. SHe needs to be put in her place gently. Daddy can love both.