Single Mamas... or All Mamas...

i have no patience for men who won't work.
i would be doing ultimatums at this point. you've been patient long enough.
khairete
S.

Please don't take this as harsh, it is not meant that way....meant for you to think about.....

Do you love your husband? Did you mean your wedding vows "for better or for worse"? What are your husband's best qualities? Do you trust him? Is he a good father? What is best for your child?

Maybe he could watch the baby while you work outside the home, whether full or part time. Or is doing daycare in your home an option? Can you both move somewhere else? Can he receive unemployment between jobs?

I could be completely wrong, but this is what I am getting from you. Your husband wants to support his family in the way he thinks is best, and his standards for himself are very high. He wants your child to be home with you (what a compliment that he thinks you are the best for your child). He, like many others, is having a hard time keeping a steady job, because of the economy-not because of poor work ethic, attendance issues, ect. He is battling with depression because he isn't able to give you what you want. And you are considering walking out on him, because he is not providing the wealth that you want.

I, like you seem to be, am a very proactive, take charge person. My only advice is to make sure you thoroughly go through EVERY possible option before you make such a life altering decision. I truly wish you the best of luck in finding a solution.

Just an idea: What if you look for work and he stays at home with your son. If he is not working anyway, you would have the chance to go job hunt without hiring a babysitter. You might be able to find something that is more steady and pays enough to move ahead. Then when your son is a little older he could go back to work as well.

If ever there was a time to reflect upon your marriage vows, it would be now. Did you not promise "For better or for worse. For richer or for poorer?" Many men get depressed when they have such a hard time supporting their families, and as a result, become paralyzed. My SIL's hubby has been out of work for two years and seems to have a very similar problem as your hubby. He is too picky about the jobs available, since he's used to having a high paying job. You need to stick by him and help him get through this time. What good will it be for your child to grow up without a father there every day. From what you have said, I can't fathom deciding to leave him. He needs you there for him now more than ever.

Why do you have to move to your moms to get a night time job?! I don't understand why you can't work at night and leave your kids home with their father?!

Hi Krys,

Reread what you wrote. Do you really think it is more important to "move up" than keep your family together? Money and things are more important than people? Just how bad off are you? Are you living in a box in the gutter, or do you have a roof over your head and food on your table?

Sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on your husband. Guys feel like failures if they can't provide. To him, if he accepts a job that pays less than what he is used to making, it will make him feel like a failure. U.S. Border Patrol is a potentially dangerous job. He is considering applying for a job that has the potential of getting him killed. He is considering putting his life on the line for you and his child. Cut him some slack.

This recession won't last forever. Eventually jobs will be more frequent.

I agree with one of the below Mamas who suggested that he could be a stay-at-home dad. Another option, could you open a daycare in your home? Can you work from home? Just be aware of work-at-home scams.

Good luck,
M.D.

Yes, you're probably feeling let down because your family isn't wealthy. In the back of your mind, you're thinking, "This isn't what it's supposed to be like." Just remember that living in a home you don't share, owning a car and having 3 meals a day is unimaginable luxury to millions of people.

Men process things and react to things very differently than women do. (That's why women can usually talk to their girlfriends and all be on the same page, but talking the same way to a husband draws blank stares.) In his mind, taking a lower paying job actually lowers his worth as a human being, and will make it harder for him to get a higher paying job in the future. It makes so much more sense to most men to wait around for a job that shows their "worth" than to take any job available. That can be really aggravating, but it makes perfect sense to them.

Also, realize that there are very few ways a single mom is going to be anything approaching wealthy! Plus, there's a reason the traditional wedding vows talk about times being "better or worse, richer or poorer." Every single life, and every single marriage, will have periods of both!

It would probably make you feel better if you found a job you could do from home. I know women who actually make decent money doing sales at home parties, and some who barely make enough to pay for their supplies. Many women do home based day care so they can be with their own children. Telemarketing, medical transcription, and many computer based jobs are easy to do at home. If you're great at entertaining, think about being an event planner. Offer a personal shopping service, or sign up to be a mystery shopper. Think about what you CAN do, while staying in your home and your marriage. Or, maybe you can get a part time job outside your home if your husband will be home to take care of your son.

Don't try to project a year ahead. Take everything one day at a time. Don't worry about image or status, just take care of your family's needs and find time to do things that make everybody happy - trips to the park, making cookies, simple stuff. Hang in there!

Get an apartment manager job, it sounds like it would be the perfect solution to your problem. You would work the office and collect the rent and your hub would do the property maintenance. I dont have to pay rent and have a nice 3 bd apartment, also dont have to pay utilities and we receive a monthly salary. Find a neighborhood you like and apply at some complexes that seem nice enough for your standards. I'm sure hubby is under stress wanting to be the bread winner for the family yet at the same time failing at it due to the economy and his own stubborness to take a wage a little lower than he wants to. That wage thinking is flawed on his part. Does he have an open unemployment claim? It's pretty easy to keep the money flowing once you have a claim opened so it will compensate for when he is inbetween jobs.
Do you live too far from your mom right now to be your babysitter if you chose to seek employment?
One thing I do know is that you should always have a plan B to take care of yourself and your child and not be dependent fully on someone else doing it for you. I think you feel a little trapped and desperate right now and the holidays are not going to make it any easier.
You really need to have an in depth talk with your husband and ask him why hes allowing his wife and child to live in a sub standard way and talk about your future and what you both want.

If you're asking single moms what it's like, I was one. I didn't remarry until my child was all grown up. So I'll tell you, it's really, really hard. It's h*** o* your children - you guys are the 2 people they love most in the world, it's hard for every holiday and birthday when you have to "share" the kids, its hard to not have another adult to turn to on a daily basis as the kids grow older, it's hard to coparent when you're not together, it's hard to have quality time with your kids when you have to work and do housework, cooking, yardwork, everything yourself, it's hard to date and hard to find someone to accept your kids. So is it worth trying to make your existing marriage work...YES..unless, of course, you are in an abusive situation.

It is just an awful time economically. You and your husband need to make a decision as a family on how to address your situation during these times. If you both are committed to you staying home with the kids, then he needs to consider taking lesser paying work to get by. Or he can stay with the kids and you can work. Or you both could work. Or you could work part time and he could continue to take periodic construction jobs. Or he could work part time nights and take construction jobs. I'll tell you a few stories from our family. One dad chose to stay home - and he's doing a great job. One dad took a waiter job at night in addition to his on again, off again day work. One mom and dad both working part time. Consider the options together.

You also sound a little disillusioned about your financial status as you came from a wealthy family. You just don't know what's going to happen in life. Not being wealthy isn't the worst thing that can happen - health issues are the worst thing that can happen. Also, just because you are having a hard time now, doesn't mean that you won't have financially good times in the future. That's happened in our family, too. A few of the most successful men in our family had rough career starts, but eventually settled in and are extremely wealthy. Men mature later than women and some even more so than others. Try to talk to your husband from the standpoint of let's make a decision as a family on the best thing to do for our future life. Maybe he thinks it's important to be available for the on again off again jobs so he doesn't have to give up that dream so maybe one of you can take a part time job to support that dream - with a time limit on it. So sorry you are going through this and good luck!

i remember my Dad was in construction as a kid and sometimes he would have to drive 60 - 70 miles from home and sometimes he didn't come home because it was too far. I have no idea where he stayed. Then when construction would dry up, he would move into cooking and do that for awhile. I think he preferred to be outside and be free. It was very hard for us financially.

There are some things that just aren't worth repeating and I guess your husband has them. But if he is only working 5 months out of the year, why don't you go to work. The way I light the fire to my husband is I do it myself and then he gets up and does it. Sad but true. Maybe if you just start looking he will get up and find something.

Best wishes.

I can say I've been there and done that. However, I came from a poor family but once I grew up and got on my own I made REALLY good money to easily buy almost anything I wanted. I met a guy, thought he was super man we bought our first house and had our 1st child. (Never married) Then we started to struggle a bit. He would start "forgetting" to pay his part of the bills etc. Then it came time for baby #2 and 3 weeks after having my baby (I decided to stay home) he quit his job and we had NO insurance.

Obviously, we had other problems in our relationship as well, but I had to make that very hard decision after 2 kids and 4 years that he was only dragging us down! We were literally going broke by then! He really needed to keep that job. Worse part he didn't even tell me about, and he quit because "he didn't like it anymore". I did make the decision to be a single parent and my dad helped me out A TON!

I really didn't want to leave because I strongly believe in growing together and trying to work things out. But sometimes, it's just not safe for your family. I think you really have to think about a lot of things before you make such a HUGE decision in yours' and your children's lives. If counseling doens't help and talking or coming up with a plan then sometimes us mothers have to do what we have to do.

You just never know where life will lead you, but it will only get worse before it gets better! Just keep your head up high! Good luck!

Why can't he be the stay at home dad? My neighbor is one and does a fine job. Mom is a nurse and gets paid very well, more than he would get.
Or Why can't you go to work and leave the baby with your mother to watch or his, then he can still look for work and know the baby is safe with Grandma.
My suggestion is to take baby to your mothers. Sit down with your husband and spell things out. He may need to get a McDonald's job for a spell or something if he isn't willing to take a job in the next two weeks then you will start looking. You will find a job, you will find a reliable day care provider if he is not willing to do that part and you will provide for the family.

HI. I feel for you and hope things improve quickly. I have only two suggestions:
One- Can a trusted relative watch your son?
Two- Why don't you get "Nanny Cams" and place them throughout your house and let a sitter/nanny know that you will have various cameras on & will be checking in via the internet throughout your day and that you and/or your husband may come by unexpectedly to check in on your child? My friend did this. It was a little difficult to find a sitter that was comfortable with knowing that she was on camera all the time (and not knowing where the cameras were, added to it). However, when they did find a sitter okay with it, they were extremely happy. After all, if you're a good sitter, you have nothing to hide-right? :) You can also get nanny cams that can be placed within stuffed toys (maybe one that's up on a shelf in the nursery, etc...).

You say you come from a wealthy family. Perhaps your parents would be able/willing to provide these cameras and whatever software is needed to provide a safe environment for your son and your hubby would be a little more at ease... Just a thought! Again, Good Luck!

Good Morning Krys, I am a SAHM and a business woman. Before starting our family my husband and I decided that i would stay home and take care of our children, we both agreed that there would be no daycare or babysitters raising our children, we both had different reason for feeling this way. My husband was in the navy, but in 1996 he retired and we were living off of his retirement which was less than half of what we were living off of, I don't have to tell you how hard things got, we started eating on credit,anyway in 1997 I decided with the support of my husband and kids to start my own "Home Daycare" still at home, with our family. but helping the family out with our finances as well. I think your husband not wanting your 11 month old in daycare is a very loving decision that you should support.
Opening up your own daycare will allow you to take care of your own family, give your 11 month old other children to play with and at the same time earn an income of your choice. Stop nagging your husband,I was where you are at right now, and like your husband mine did not want to hear it anymore (I don't blame him) but when i approached him with a solution keeping with our original agreement he was more than supportive. here it is 13 years later, our kids are grown and our 23 year old son and our 21 year old daughter are still living with us and I still have my business, something to think about. Right now I am making 960.00 a month, with 2 openings, when those 2 get filled I will be making1,920.00 A month without leaving home, spend no money on gas, daycare, My clients pay me 120.00 a week except for one, they she came into my care when i was charging 100.00 but think about 120.00 a week times 5, or what ever you would decide to charge, you are in control, if you get a job outside the house, after you paying for daycare, how much income will you really have, plus gas? think about it, more and more moms are going this route, after the first 3 months of me opening my daycare there were 300 home daycare's just in my zip code alone. Hope this helps. J.

I love Ephie's idea.....As for your question about moving on and improving things for yourself and your son---sometimes when you feel like you're ALREADY a single mom, that idea just festers and you end up being very angry and hurt and depressed. My hubby and I once had an arguement where I told him "I'm essentially already a single mom, all I really need you for is your paycheck...and I can ALWAYS go and get a job". It was said in anger and very mean but it was a turning point for my hubby in that he finally realized I was SERIOUS. You may need to REALLY make him see how serious you are. I'm not suggesting giving up or arguing dirty, but he really needs to be AWARE of how you feel...and he doesn't seem to up to this point.

Money (or lack thereof) is one of the major things people fight about. It's a marriage breaker for some people and not for others. You've had some therapy so you've talked about it with an objective outside source. The bad economy might not last forever, but it could last a long time. It would be nice if your husband could be a bit more flexible. During construction slump times can't he run/join a Mr Fix It business? If people are not building new then they are fixing up their old and many have to hire someone to do it. Good luck.

It could as simple as this.... If you wanted you can get a 3rd shift or split shift job and"HE" can be home w/ ur son and still work during the day "When there is work". It will be hard for you as far getting sleep during the day. But maybe your mom could sit our son. It is hard when there are little ones invovled, but you also have to think of them.

Lot of questions: what kind of job will you get, can you get a job that will still bring home $ after daycare expenses. how is moving in with your mom a move up, are you struggling to pay your bills or are you angry that you can not buy expensive useless material things that we all feel we have to have? Does your mother live close by? Can you talk to her about helping you watch your son so you can go to work? When your hubby does get called in to work, does he usually start right away? Can you find a job that will allow you to take off time when he works?