Shyness - Herriman,UT

You have just described my youngest son! We didn't even know if he would be able to go to kindergarten last year but we enrolled and started prepping him like telling him what he might do and how the day would go. He went to orientation and didn't speak or look at anyone. He very shyly shook his teachers hand. He has always been afraid of the playground too. The day before school started he asked me to take him to the playground with the big slide. He climbed up, took a deep breath and went down for the very first time. I asked him why he wasn't afraid and he told me that he thought if he could go down the big slide he could go to kindergarten! After that he went to school with no problems, he just started 1st grade this year. He is one of the most popular kids in school, has tons of friends and does great. We never thought that would happen but it did. He was just ready after all that watching and listening.

What a sensitive, intuitive mom you are! I am impressed with the healthy attachment you describe with your son. Being "slow to warm up" or "highly attached" is really healthy at this age. It would be a concern if he were equally warm and open with everyone--what if he called every woman "mom" or held hands with every passerby? He doesn't because he is learning to differentiate that he is attached to some people and not to others, and that sounds really OK to me.
I like the suggestion to just do family sports for now, but another option is to invite carefully-selected people into his comfort zone to have dinner and play at your house. What if the coach's family came over for soccer night in your yard? It can be helpful for slow-to-warm-up children to see a transfer of attachment--meaning, if they see their parents are comfortable with another adult and can hear you say, "Let's play with Joe--he knows about soccer!" or whatever to help transfer (gradually) some of your son's attachment to you onto the coach and/or other players.
But do go easy. It's not that important. Our culture is so hung-up on everyone being extroverted and the result for many people is that they are very superficially attached to many people without ever having deep relationships (a la Facebook).
You might like the book "Hold On To Your Kids" by Dr. Gordon Neufeld. I found it very validating. It talks a lot about the common but unhealthy phenomenon of "peer orientation," when children and teens surrender their healthy attachments with positive adult role models and focus all their attachment energy on their peers, who are simply not qualified to direct them well. It leads to risk-taking behaviors at increasingly younger ages. Allowing your son to filter his relationships through you is appropriate and security-boosting for him. Independence is so overrated when it comes to social experiences for very young children. I think it's like too-big shoes: when he grows into them, they'll be great, if you force him to wear them too soon, they'll just make him trip and hate shoes.
If he thinks soccer is fun, then let him participate as much as he wants. He'll probably grow into it as it becomes more familiar. If he says he does not enjoy being part of the team, you can take your cues from him and let it go for now.
Best wishes!

Hi Cindy,
As a extrovert, it was very hard for me to acknowlege that my son was introverted. Everyone kept saying he was just "shy" and that he'd grow out of it. Then someone introduced me to the book "The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child" by Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D It opened my eyes to the fact that introverted people are wired different & have many gifts to give us extroverts. I would highly recommend this book to all parents of "shy kids".
You can probably even find it at the library to see if it's something you want to own. I found it invaluable. I came to see the wonderful strengths of my son & appreciate him more! It's tough being an introvert in an extroverted world & especially so for boys, so I feel we need to educate ourselves.
Blessings to you & your family!

I was like that, and it took me forever to get over because my parents just did not get it and tried to push me too hard into "just do it." Kids tend to do well when you show them that it is okay and gently encourage without force. And while some kids get over it entirely, others will always take just a bit longer to warm up in new situations. Teaching him some self calming techniques is also a great way to help him, as shyness is a for of anxiety and inability to sooth himself (without you). Lori Bright has a great set of books just for kids on relaxation and fears - you can get them on Amazon. Coping Cat is also a great workbook I have suggested for some parents on ways to help them and their children deal with fears. Good luck with him, sounds like you are a great mom who really wants the best for their kids!

Sounds like he's a "slow-to-warm-up" kid. My youngest was like that. He just needed more time to get used to the idea of things and people. You mentioned your son plays well with other kids once he knows them (neighborhood, nursury), so it sounds like he's developing good social skills. He just needs his time to decide he's ready to give it a try. The more you push, the worse it gets. Just relax and let him get ready at his own pace. (I'd say, at his age and still being hesitant about it, you might want to drop T-Ball. He's got plenty of time to get into sports later.)

It sounds weird, but stop classifying him as "shy". Kids live up to what we feed them. If you think of him and talk about him as being shy, it's more likely that he will be shy. You can tell people that he is "slow-to-warm-up" or just that he needs extra time to get used to a situation, and politely ask that they give him his space and that time. This can be especially hard with grandparents who want to lavish him with love and praise. But explain that if he has time to adapt, that he will be happier to play.

BTW, my son is now 6 and in 1st grade. His teacher just described him to me as being a really good friend to all the kids. He's wanting to make sure that they are okay and happy and know what and where and how. She said she's never seen that kind of genuine frienship from a child as young as he is.... not shy at all now!

I was listening to Dr. Laura (the psychologist) on the radio recently and she answered a question that sounded similar to what you're talking about. Her answer was: a child that age who is acting so shy is telling you he's not ready for the big world yet. He knows what he can and cannot handle and he's only 3. You might say to him "let's not do soccer right now; instead let's you and me play soccer out in our back yard". Don't let on that you think he can't handle it, instead make it like a special treat that you're going to have your own private team. Make team t shirts together for your family, with iron on letters or a special color or something, depending on how crafty you are.

Listen to him: he's saying he needs you. So play soccer with him, take him to the playground, and enjoy him. Build confidence into him, not by putting him out there in soccer or classes or groups, but by giving him the security that he needs right now at home, with your family, in comfortable situations, and it will build up like a bank account inside him, and he'll be more confident later on when he needs to be.

My daughter was exactly like this, with everyone. I was like this to as a child and my parents always made me feel ashamed of it by saying things to other people when I would meet them by saying "oh, she is really shy". Now, I am very outgoing by working on it for years without parents help of course. With my daughter, she was around friends all the time, but also with me all the time. I didn't think it was fair to her. I enrolled her in preschool at age of 3 for 4 hours a day/ 2 days a week. She was still shy for awhile, which the teachers loved, but I was getting more concerned. She would play but would not be outspoken at all. Then all of the sudden, she became outspoken with the kids when they did something she didn't like, such as take a toy away from her,etc. She really started to blossom. Now, she is in Kindergarten and is still the quiet one in her class but I know now that she is more directed in learning and stuff and just a very intelligent child. She loves school and has a voice of her own. I do think it is different for each child, preschool worked wonders for her, but another child is another story. It is a time thing, wait and see what happens. But if you are willing to take that chance, you may be pleasantly surprised like we were. All you can do either way is be there and walk them through it, but not to the point of complete overprotection. Which it doesn't sound like you are. You seem like a very in tuned mother. That is THE BEST thing for your child at any point of their life. Good job.

It sounds pretty normal to me. His shyness will change a bit as he gets older; he will find ways to hide it a little bit, but he will be shy. It's apparently in his nature. please don't worry about this. He sounds adorable.

Maybe this season he could just watch from the side with you on the days he is less secure, and if and when he decides he can go play with the team. Let him know if he wants to hold you hand he can do it where you are in the stands, and if he wants to play(when he is ready) he can decide to go out and do it without you. It may be a power issue. When you give him the choice and the boundaries he will feel more secure and feel like he has some say in what happens.
Play with him at home too and enjoy him.

S.
mother to Kai
www.HomeWithKai.info

It's hard not to worry about our kids isn't it? I can totally relate! I was horribly shy all the way until college and still have my moments. Most shy behavior is genetic. That's the last thing I want for my girls, but my 4 year old is shy also. The best thing I have come up with is just to keep taking her to the things that she wants to do. We did a dance class because she wanted to, but then we'd get there and she wouldn't participate. She really wanted to do it and I told her that if she doesn't participate, then we would go home. She had to convince herself that she wanted to do it.

I've also read that shy people do better if they arrive places early so they can at least get comfortable with the environment before it's flooded with people. I've tried this on myself, and I usually do feel more comfortable.

It also helps my daughter if I tell her what kinds of things I expect her to do once we get somewhere. Even at home she is better behaved if we have a routine and she knows what to expect. When she started preschool this year, we talked A LOT about what kinds of things they might do before school started.

Preparation, Routine and Consistency are the things we try to live by. But when things come up, Patience and Understanding. Come up with some sort of sign or something that is code for "mommy/daddy love you" that you can do when he is on the field playing a sport so he doesn't need to run to you, he can just look over at you to feel reassured.

My kids were very shy. I got them involved in play dates. Their friends would come to our house first and then we would go to the friends house. I would stay the first time. The second time that it was at the friends house, I would stick around for half the time, and then let him know i would be right out side. I would stay in my car, but outside of the house. By the time the third one rolled around, they loved the friends and were begging for more. And it was ok to be left. My kids are not shy now. In fact, my 12 year old's teacher told us that she could talk to the wall if it would talk back!
Sports are great, but there is no interaction between kids. And that is probably what he needs the most. With play dates or going to the park to find other kids gives him a non-threatening environment for him to get along with other kids without having to perform or measure up to other kids like they do in sports programs

I am mom to a little shy guy, and at 3, he was very much like your son. He is still reserved (even with extended family), but has come out of his shell a lot over the last two years, and I think one reason was the lovely, caring preschool he went to (U of U's Child and Family Development Center). He was there a couple of hours 3 days a week starting when he was three. He was very excited about going there.

The first two weeks he watched instead of participating and spoke only to his teacher. For example, he wouldn't sing in class, but sang every song they did in the car on the way home. The teacher and her assistants didn't push him - they let him do what he needed to, as long as he was observing and not off doing other stuff. After a few weeks as an observer, he began to branch out, and by about 6 weeks in the school, he was enjoying interactions with his peers, speaking to everyone, playing with everyone.

Because they gave him room to get involved when he felt comfortable that first year, the next year he adjusted more quickly. This year, when he started kindergarten, he was able to engage with others from the beginning. He still gets flustered if he needs to speak in front of everybody (sharing time, for instance) and if he meets a new child or adult the first thing he does is hide behind me. But this stage now passes quickly, and he is much more open and willing to get involved than he used to be.

I'm not sure how this would work in a sports-team setting, but perhaps your son would benefit from being allowed to observe more now, and participate more actively later. And do take heart - his shyness may lessen as he matures.

Don't worry he is figuring out his feelings and emotions and they just need to be respected. Our first daughter was like that 100% and now isn't (she's 6 now) it took a while to figure out what she was comfortable with and what not. My littlest just turned 5 and was having the same thing and is fine now. Take him early to games, have a snack there let him see everyone for a while so he feels comfortable, or hold his hand out on the field, there's no problems with that. He is only 3. Don't worry it will pass.

Maybe if you and your husband are both shy, he doesn't know how to not be shy. A big part of being shy is not knowing others' names and not knowing what to do and say around people.

He might benefit from (short) regular freeplay on the playground or playdates.

>playground
don't force him to do anything. Play with some of the stuff yourself if he won't go on the playground. OR have him sit in your lap and tell him he can get up and play on the playground whenever he wants. If there are other children there...make a big deal out of exchanging names with the kids you are playing with. You can ask name, age, and give them one compliment. or you can point out something "hey look, Jon has cool spiderman shoes. we love spiderman. That's way cool!"

Leave after 1-1.5 hours. On the way home, talk about the other children calling them by name. (Don't say anything he could take as critical of him.) "I really liked that Jon kid - he had a cool red shirt." "I'm glad you had fun with your friend, Amy. It was cool to watch you guys go down the slide. You were really fast!" etc.

>playdate
sometimes kids this age play next to each other instead of with each other. That's OK. Let your son see you playing with the new friend. Call him a friend. Give the friend a compliment.

After the friend leaves say, "I'm so glad your friend Alex came over. That was really fun. It made me giggle when you guys ran in circles. You're a good friend."

The other thing you can do...is put him in a situation where others will give him compliments. Shy people LOVE compliments...even if it makes them seem more shy at the time...it makes them want to be around the person who said nice things about them. and that is the first step to being social.

Be sure to tell or remind your child of the names of adults that you run into, too. (if you know them)...and a compliment. "oh look, it's our neighbor Jenny. What a cute sweater she's wearing! and look - she has blue on her shoes!"

He's learned her name, learned that compliments are always a good thing to say, and doesn't have the spotlight on him, feels no pressure to do anything, had a generally good experience.

After a playdate/playground day....tell dad about it at dinner. "we went to the playground today and played with a kid named Jon. He had a cool red shirt and spiderman shoes. and we went down the slide with Amy."

You're enforcing the idea that remembering names is important...and that Dad is happy that we played with friends.

Sounds like your boy is noticing it too; or he's picked up on your anxiety about it -- he says all day that he doesn't need you on the field with him. Try to approach it a little differently. Instead of saying you don't need to be on the field at all, start with you'll be 5 or 10 feet away and see how he does. Move up and down the field with him. Then the next time talk about being a little further away, until you are on the sidelines (at first running up and down the field with him, then gradually staying in one place like the rest of the parents). You are his security "blanket" and when he gets into those big social situations he needs you to keep his emotions in check. The problem is that in soccer there's so much going on and it's hard to get warmed up to it if he's not involved with it. It's not a phase, your son is shy, but you can work with him to help him be more outgoing. Good luck!

I think you are normal to worry about your children - at least I hope so, because I worry about both my children (all adults now) and my grandchildren - but three years old is still very little. Time will probably make a big difference. Meanwhile, sometimes just watching may be the best thing for him to do. I'm a shy person and I often check out a situation and the people in it before I want to participate. I don't know about the soccer thing - is three too young for organized sports? Maybe not these days. Talk to the coach and see what he or she suggests - I'm sure your son is not the first shy kid in the group. See what the coach says and decide if you like it or not. It sounds to me as if you're doing well by giving him the chance to participate but being understanding (and not pushy or upset) when he hangs back. Some children get over their shyness with time; some have naturally shy personalities and do better in small groups than in large ones. Meanwhile give him lots of love and acceptance, just as you're doing now. He will probably blossom eventually and then you'll be SO impressed with what he does!

Hello,
My son two months away from his 3 rd birthday, and he is exactly like your son. He is also shy especially if he misbehaved or he was crying, he would not want other people looking at him. When we go to pick his older sister from dance he looks around, looks in the rooms, but as soon as someone would speak to him he runs to me and hides. After some moments he slowly will pick out... It takes him awhile to warm up to others. He is doing better at preschool now. They say he is out of his "shell" and feels more comfortable. But I am not there and maybe it helps. Then he relies on himself. Try to start leaving him by himself at play dates or day care for short periods of time. I worry too. I want him to have fun and make friends easily. My daughter was shy as well when she was that age. Now she is almost 11 and have friends and dances on stage with no problem!