Should My Friend Confess to Her Husband That She Had a 3 Yr. Long Affair?

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I feel bad for the poor husband, if she doesn't tell him. He has a right to know that someone has been sleeping with his wife! If he left her, she would deserve it.

I am so appalled by the number of posters who think that this woman will be the only one who benefits from confessing. Honesty in a marriage is so essential. Not telling the truth here would just remove the husband's right to chose if he wants to stay married to her.

Hiding these things doesn't benefit ANYONE. It certainly won't benefit the husband who, unless his brain has somehow been removed, probably knew that something was up.

Honesty! That's my vote! I certainly wouldn't want my husband to hide an affair. That would be double betrayal, in my book.

Her husband might not leave if she confesses and she should confess. What is the point of a marriage if you don't have honesty.

I was in a similar position years ago. I finally took the issue to a priest friend of mine and he said that if the confession is for the benefit of the other innocent persons involved then, by all means do it. However, if the hurt will only widen, and the Husband and child have nothing to gain from the process then it is a far worse grievance. The person she needs to get right with is GOD! Everything else will fall into place. She will suffer; her guilt is evidence of that. Those around her don't deserve to.

If she thinks it would hurt her husband and child more to know (even if he does suspect), then don't tell. She can "confess" to a therapist or pastor/priest to get it all out, but if it is over and not likely to repeat, my vote is no.

I say no. I agree with Dawn, it would only be for selfish reasons. No good could come out of it.

Nothing pisses me off worse than people who have affairs (largely because they're too GOOD for the confines of matrimony and they feel they deserve all the fun they can possibly get, and their spouse and children aren't worth a little sacrifice of some stupid attention by some other gross loser with no ethics) and then they GET AWAY with it. So the spouse never knows who they married and the kid grows up in the dark but knows something's not right.
Her husband deserves to know. If she loses him, that's her own fault. It won't make her feel better, because she will be totally despised by someone she strung along and treated like dirt yet "kept". She'll have to face what she did all the way, not just through her own self pitying goggles which she's now using to be "depressed". Her son will bounce back and maybe gain a cool step mom and your friend will still always be his mom. Her husband will recover. She's doesn't have the power to ruin him with her selfishness. It's not fair to keep him in the dark.
She should confess. I HOPE SHE DOES! She doesn't deserve the blind loyalty of the family she screwed.

I think it would be weird not to tell him, he is her husband and deserves to have an honest and open relationship with her. but i also do not think that telling him means divorce. they can work through the pain, trust issues, and reconnect and heal from it and make their marriage stronger because she was honest with him. a good counselor would help, be sure to ask the counselor if they would support keeping the marriage together and help them through it.

Since she does have a child then I'd have to say NO. Why let this effect his life and it very well might change his life completely ( if her spouse leaves her over this ).
Its over . Its done. ( make sure it really is ) Let it go. She can talk to you if she needs to talk about it, but let it end there.
I have a relative who made a huge mistake , and I mean HUGE, over the years the guilt ate him up. Then one day he confessed to his wife about what he did. It destroyed her. ( he had gone 20 years without her knowing ) But guess what he said? " Gee I feel better now that I got it out in the open".
Really??? What about the woman you just destroyed ? To make yourself feel better?
So I guess I'm just saying.....think of how others will feel and how it will effect them.

i can't say what she should do - i think that cheating is a hateful, dispicable thing to do to people and there's not really any way around that. BUT. i also heard somewhere, that confession is only good for the confessor's soul. what is the likely outcome if she tells? she destroys her family, crushes her son, breaks her husband's heart. not to mention grandparents, good friends, etc. who is that helping? HER conscience. that's it. what i wish for your friend: that she DOESN'T DO IT AGAIN, make her peace with God, and swallow the guilt. she earned it. if she is truly concerned about her husband and son, she will change her ways and never breathe a word.

and THEN on the other hand i think she should quit being a p****y and fess up because NO WAY should she get away with that. i have no clue. she screwed up. big time. she's going to have to face whatever happens.

That should be between your friend and her husband

The only reason she wants to confess is to assuage her own guilt. Her desire to confess has nothing to do with her husband - she is not considering his feelings - just as she did not consider his feelings when she had the affair. To confess may make her feel better but most likely shatter him.

Is it possible that the depression she feels is not due to guilt over having the affair but because the affair ended and her lover moved out of state? An affair of that duration implies an emotional connection to the lover, not just a physical connection. You may want to encourage her to consider that possibility.

So I vote that she not tell her husband unless she wants to end the marriage. In which case, she should just end the marriage and still not tell him he has been cuckolded for the past three years.

She should also go see a therapist who will help her sort out her feelings and come to a resolution about the situation she has placed herself in.

I can't say what you or your friend should do.

IMHO, When we are being cheated on, or otherwise lied to/disrespected behind our backs, a part of us knows. I have, in past relationships, felt like a crazy person because I knew something was wrong, said something about it and was told either a. lame excuses or b. that I was crazy for mistrusting.

When things came to light, the fact that I had been duped was as hurtful as the actions themselves.

Should my husband ever cheat on me, I should hope he would have the respect and integrity to at least allow ME the choice to stay or go by telling me how deeply he had dishonored our agreements and choices (to me monogamy is a choice. Don't want it? Fine. But then don't agree to it and/or say it is what you want.) To me, the confession wouldn't ruin the family. To me, her choices and lies would/did. I have lived in a lie. I never want to again.

I would want to know. But it looks like I'm in the minority.

ETA: Regardless of her decision she absolutely SHOULD get screened for STDs. To do otherwise would be completely immoral.

NO... like u said, the affair is over and done with. Let it go and get on with your life with your husband and son. if she confesses, it's opening a WHOLE new can of worms and she will have to deal w it w 2 or maybe 3 (the son) parties. ask her to work it through on her own and quit moaning abt it. it is her problem, she started the affair, now have her just put it behind and move on, be a GREAT wife and mother and make it up.

My vote is no.

It is in the past.

Tell her to go get some counseling. If she confesses, instead of just having one miserable person, there will be three. It's not fair for her to turn her husband's and her son's life upside down by dumping all of her emotional garbage on them right now. Having the fair was not right and what she is dealing with right now can be seen as a consequence of what had gone on before. She needs to deal with this one on her own, with a counselor, before unloading this emotional maelstrom on the rest of her family.

If she were my friend, that's the advise I would give her.

Ditto Dawn B.

the affair is over.

SHE has to mull through it and get over it.

Nothing, good will come out of it if she now tells her Husband. Her child will also feel betrayed. It will destroy her child.
It will destroy her family.

She is selfish. To put it lightly.
She is getting, what she created.

She needs Therapy of some kind.
Unless she is strong enough to heal herself.
BUT... if she starts going to Therapy... THEN she will probably have to tell her Husband WHY.
Then what?????????????????????
Then that is ANOTHER SECRET she will have to burden herself with.

Again, this is what she is doing to herself.

no way, its over and telling will only end her torment and begin his. She deserves the torture, and ignorance is bliss. she should spend the rest of her life making it up to him;.

I had an affair for about 4 months. I never thought it would have been in my nature to do something so horrible. I was married for 7 years - and am now gonig to celebrate my 10th year of marriage.
My reasons - I have non - I did something horrible - something I have to live with the rest of my life. I never once thought of telling my husband - what good would that do? Why would I want to kick my husband while we were already struggling?
Tell your friend to get a therapist - a good one - to look at the reasons why she had the affair in the first place and to work on her marriage. She needs to find out why she had the affair if she ever wants to forgive herself and never have one again.
Do not judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

Not to make light of her doing this since we all know it is wrong but you said she had suffered with cancer. Things like that change our way of thinking about life. You didn't say that she loves the guy she had an affair with so she was probably just living if that makes any sense. People are so quick to judge other people. No one really knows her whole situation, there are so many reasons why she could have done this. Was is wrong yes it was do any of us have the right to judge her NO! I feel bad for all of them. Guilt can tare you up but honestly the only one that can decide what to do is her. We all do things we aren't proud of and everything we do is for a reason. The reasons might not be right but the mind is very complicated. I think she would benefit from talking to a therapist they would help her decide what is best for her and her family and what the underlying reason is that caused her to do this. Praying helps anything!!!! I think you are a great friend to listen to her maybe she just needed someone to listen, not judge and be there for her and it sounds like you did just that you are a good friend. I will be praying for you both that God will guide your friend.

I think she needs to get professional help before she does anything as far as telling him. She needs to deal with the guilt either way and if she does tell him and he leaves her, she'll have that to deal with too.
Not to mention a child who is old enough to understand the destruction of his family if it comes to that.
I wish people would think of the damage BEFORE having an affair. Too late for that now.
I think she needs someone other than a good friend to try to help her decide what to do.

Just my opinion.

I wouldn't tell your friend what to do, it's something she has to figure out.
I have been in the same situation. It's tough when a trusted friend confesses to you, but you have conflicting feelings.
Personally, I would want to know. I want to be given the choice to stay with someone who cheated on me, I want to know why this happened, and what brought it on, and then there's the health aspect of it. I like my SO to be honest and truthful with me...this would be one of those times where the truth hurts badly.
I don't feel confessing is selfish of her. Maybe on the surface because she *wants* to feel better, but how good could she possibly feel if she knows her husband might possibly leave her and that she hurt not only him but her son. Her son might be put through a divorce because of *her* actions. The affair was selfish, and even if she doesnt confess now, her family *might* still find out.
I don't think confessing will bring rainbows and lollipops back in her life, let alone ease of mind any time soon. I agree with others that said she should see a therapist, hopefully she'll get some good guidence.
Good Luck with your decision!

There is nothing to gain by her confessing to her husband. Like the others have said it will only make *her* feel better. No one else. It will destroy her family just in the name of making her feel better. Selfish act #1 was the affair, selfish act #2 does not need to be destroying her family if she wants to stay married.

She does, however, need to seek counseling. This way she can clear her conscious to a professional and get to root of why she carried on like she did for so long. People do stupid things and if she wants to stay married and get her marriage back on track she needs professional help.

I wouldn't offer advice on that one - she has to figure it out for herself.

Why hurt him, so she can rid herself of guilt? She shouldn't say anything, get counseling and needs to spend the rest of her time cherishing her husband and making it up to him.

Well, I would want to know about a affair if God forbid my husband had one...so I could divorce him. Maybe no good would come from it, but that's what happens when you make selfish, idiotic choices...you suffer the consequences. He has the right to know and stay or leave as he choose. It's his RIGHT as a spouse to know. She KNEW what could happen if she had an affair and did it anyway, time to fess up and be an HONEST adult about it. How does he deserve to live a lie? He thinks he is with a faithful, good wife. Instead he living his marriage with a cheating liar. And he has NO idea and deserves to. There is no way this situation will not have bad come from it, but it's best to deal with it...instead of it uncovering itself. Which it will.
All these people say it's selfish to tell. That makes me sick. It's selfish NOT to tell. She is protecting herself from hurting someone else, please. She's ALREADY done that, for THREE YEARS. Ugh. I'm sorry, I just don't think I could be a "friend" to a woman like this. This whole scenario disgusts me. I feel so sick this man is unknowingly with this terrible woman.

Honesty is the best policy. But I would suggest having her talk to a Pastor too and most likely get some counseling to help them deal with this.

It sounds like she needs to clear her conscience. However, in doing so, it's a selfish act because it has the ability to ruin the lives of her son and her husband. She chose to be unfaithful and maintained that for awhile. It seems very unfair to ruin her family just for her to ease her mind. It's tough situation to be in, but she really just needs to deal with the consequences of her actions. That's tough! Sorry!

Tell her to confess in counseling and move on.

Watch Bridges of Madison County. Love that movie!

I would tell her to start seeing a therapist and learn to deal with her guilt and emotions on her own. She brought this on herself, and her desire to come clean to her husband is all about assuaging her guilt. In reality, what she'll really do is most likely wreck her marriage and cause a tremendous amount of upheaval to her son. Especially at this age, knowing his mother cheated and caused the possible demise or misery in his parent's marriage isn't going to do him any favors psychologically in the way he subconsciously views women. Ask her what she hopes to gain by telling her husband. Does she think this will be good news to him? If she had never cheated, but he had done exactly what she has, would she want him to tell her -and how would she react if he did? She needs to suck it up and own it! She can cry and feel sick with her therapist. Telling her husband will in NO way serve him or help their relationship -all it will do is bring him a huge amount of hurt, and her son will be standing there to experience the fallout.

She should not tell him. She needs to forgive herself and move on. Nothing good would come from her telling him, it would ruin him and ruin their marriage. She needs to forgive herself and lose the guilt and move on and never revisit an affair again and NEVER tell her husband, ever.

She should seek professional counseling so she has the support she needs before she tells him. She should be prepared for a divorce and custody battle. Honestly, a 3 year affair with an old flame sounds like something most guys I know would never forgive.
Did she hook up with him on Facebook? The internet can be a dangerous place. She can NEVER talk to him again(or any other men since she has a weakness in this area).
I could not keep a secret, but be prepared for a divorce.

I'm not sure telling him would do any good, it would just hurt him. Part of her punishment for her behavior is her guilt she's carrying around and she will carry it forever. Now she wants to tell him and hurt him, so that SHE will feel better!

I honestly have no clue...but I asked my hubby and this is what he thinks:
If she still loves him and it is really over then NO do not tell him. Hubby says he wouldn't want to know?! Interesting, very interesting...

I do believe that honesty is the best policy but I also agree that she will be getting rid of her guilt and she will feel better but she will be transferring all that misery to her hubby and he doesn't deserve it, IMO.

If she truly wants to end her marriage then I say yes, if she wants to put the past behind her and move on then no!!!! Having an affair in the first place tells me her marriage is in trouble anyway so maybe she wants to tell him so he will be the one to end it. I think it is selfish of her to put her guilt on him.

I completely second Sam. Telling her husband would be for her sole benefit and would be a continuation of her selfish behavior. She should see a counselor to deal with the process of grieving and guilt, or at least that is what I would advise in this very complicated situation. Good luck!

Well I don't think that you should tell her anything other than maybe she needs to speak with a therapist. They can be very eye opening and help her come to a better decision.

It seems like she wants to unburden her soul. No need to make her husband upset and possibly break a family when her child is involved. May be she need to go and confess to a priest to feel better.

Be a support to your friend which ever way she chooses but in reality, I wouldn't get that involved to say either way. I wouldn't know how to handle this. She definately needs to change and never do this again whether she tells or not. I have a feeling her husband probably already suspects. I wouldn't give her my opinion on this one. It sounds like she may feel better by spilling her guts if she's that depressed over it. Too bad she didn't feel this remorse after just thinking about having an affair. I wish that family the best. You're a great friend!!

I J. found out my now ex cheated for years in the past.....it ruined everything, although we both realize it was never good, because his guilt always kept him from putting 100% in. I doubt their relationship was healthy during this. I believe its his decsion to stay and work through it or leave, she shouldn't get to make that decsion for him. Also if he does stay it could make their relationship tons better being able to communicate and work through it, if he leaves she will grieve, their son will adjust in time, and they will both eventually move on. I agree though, go through a councelor, if she does tell him, have someone watch the son for a few days, so he doesnt hear the fighting that will follow

What will telling him do? Make her feel better and him like what? She was selfish in the affair and now that she is feeling guilty wants to be able to make herself feel better by dumping in on him and releasing herself of it. Say nothing, move on.

I am 100% for telling him. The deed is done, her son is already hurt, she was not faithful. Now I do believe in forgiveness and you never know, maybe he will forgive her, but he has the right to make the decision in my opinion. Now if it was a like a one time deal, then MAYBE I would say let it go, providing no nasty little stds were exchanged or something like that. But three years, she has to come clean. The fact she is so ripped up about it is the thing I think is so telling, I mean her body is not doing well under the stress of the lie. I think this is the kind of thing that be dangerous, especially as a cancer survivor. I know her son is in peril with the reality of divorce, but her husband does not deserve half a wife who is loaded with guilt every moment and he also does not deserve to be in the dark about it. My vote is tell and let the chips fall and then she can start putting her life back together. I totally agree with going to a counselor, she needs to sort through all this and she is probably going to wear you out! You are good friend to go through this with her, hang in there!

NO!!!! If the affair is over and she is fully committed to her marriage than 100% NO! The only reason she would be telling him is because the guilt is killing her, well live with the guilt, she brought it on herself. If she fessed up it would crush her husband and probably end her marriage. Time she looked to the future and focus how she can be the best wife possible.

There's no question this is tough - but these are the consequences of her actions and either way, she won't get off scott-free. I can pretty much guarantee that a marriage counselor and most- if not all -Christian ones will say that you just can't have a secret like this in a marriage without it blowing the marriage apart anyway. I'd have to agree - so what's the difference whether she tells now and rips off the bandaid or has to endure the elephant in the marriage forever? She'll be miserable and completely incapable of focusing her attention on being a great wife and mother. In a sense, she's just as divided as she was when she was being unfaithful.

We'd all like to think that we're allowed our indulgences and shouldn't have to answer for them or be punished for them. Unfortunately the operative word in the phrase "guilty pleasure" is GUILTY. That can be a crusher of a consequence in and of itself. = /

NO!!!! It's over, tell her NOT to burden her husband with this and put her son's family in (any more) jeopardy. She needs to be mute and never do it again.

Updated

NO!!

There is no correct answer to this question. This is not a simple YES or NO type of situation.

The only right answer is to stay out of it, lest she be mad at you when the adivce you gave her backfired.

I'm surprised that you consider yourself a good friend when you could be so disgusted by the thought of her having sex with a man other than her husband. If one of my good friends came to me with that secret, the first thing I would ask is "What's lacking in your marriage so you think you had to go to another man?" and then go from there. Perhaps she was still in love with the boyfriend and couldn't help herself. Obviously she shouldn't have married her husband if she still had strong enough feelings for another man to continue a physical relationship with him. That's one of the problems she has to figure out for herself. She is putting a lot of undue stress on you by pressuring you to try to solve her problem. You should come clean too. Does she know she disgusts you? Maybe if you told her that, she'd open her eyes and seek real help. She definitely needs unbiased, professional help to grow a backbone, deal with the guilt, and take care of this problem like a grown woman would. Good luck.

Please try not to tell her what to do, or what you would do. Just support her with whatever decision she makes, because either way, she will need lots and lots of support.

YES! She absolutely needs to confess and be extremely grateful if her husband doesn't leave her. The affair isn't like it was way in the past... it was just a few months ago people.

Really though, her guilt and depression will eat at her, this isn't something she can bury. Eventually her husband will pick up o if something is wrong and just b/c the affair is over, doesn't the consequences of it are.

Not telling could also destroy her marriage and her son, so it's best to be honest and deal. People do pretty bad things out of hidden guilt, like withdraw, turn to alcohol or over spending, even start new affairs to drown the guilt.

if she feels the need to confess - do it to a pastor or a priest - if she doesn't go to church - a counselor....she needs to find out WHY she had a THREE YEAR AFFAIR....

This will sound mean and harsh and maybe it should be - she should've thought about her son BEFORE she started spreading her legs for someone other than her husband!!

I personally wouldn't confess to my husband - but then again - I don't think I'd be carrying on a 3 year affair and my husband NOT know what's going on. Unless she led a split life and had sex with both of them...but really - how could he NOT know? Maybe he does and he's hiding his head in the sand so his life doesn't fall apart either. Maybe he is thinking of their vows and their son. I don't know.

This is a guilt/burden SHE has to carry. It's hard that she put you in the middle of it - now - how are you going to face her husband? KNOWING WHAT YOU KNOW - how you can face him? Sorry - I've been there. My ex however, wasn't discreet about his affairS (yes plural) we lived in a small base overseas - so yeah - i knew and it was hard. It was hard facing the women too. But I did, with my head held high knowing it was HIS fault he couldn't keep his d*** in his pants - not mine - he was getting what he wanted at home - he just wanted variety....of women...

Any way - I'm sorry that you are put in the middle of this very nasty situation. I'm sorry too if what I said was rude - it was NOT meant to be aimed at YOU. Please understand that.

I would tell her to go see a therapist to talk about it. You are a friend, not her therapist. You are only going to end up getting blamed no matter what advice you give here. It sounds to me like maybe she is having so much guilt not only because of the affair but because in her heart, she knows that it likely would not have ended but for the guy moving out of state. Emotionally, she is not in a good place.

If she tells she needs to be ready for the repercussions. Even if (big if) he does forgive her things won't ever be completely the same. It is my opinion that counseling is the best way for her to go before she makes any decision...