Seeking Mom Who Have Miscarried

Hi C.,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I miscarried myself, just 3 1/2 months ago. :(

The bleeding could have been one of a few things. You could have had a subchorionic hemorrhage. This is where there is bleeding behind the placenta. Usually it will resolve itself on its own. As a Midwife, I have had a client with just this happen.

You could also have been pregnant with twins, and lost one. I believe this is what happened with my son, in 2003.

When you go in to see your doctor, make sure that they do a quantitative hCG lab. This will tell you how much hCG is in your blood. It'll show if you're still pregnant, and approximately how far along.

Good luck!

Dear C.,

First of all, hugs to you!!!! I know the feeling. Back in 1998, I found out I was pregnant (unexpected), and we were so nervous. Eventually, we calmed down and decided to be happy with the gift God had given us. About eight weeks into the pregnancy, I woke up bleeding. To make matters worse, the ultrasound was inconclusive, so the doctor let me bleed for a week while we waited for the bloodwork to come back. I went in on Nov. 27th and didn't have my D & C until Dec. 4th. Now here it is eleven years later, and I still think about the baby now and then, especially on the 27th of November. The funny thing is that in 2006, I delivered a baby girl on November 27th! It gets easier, but I doubt you'll ever forget about the baby.

My heart goes out to you C.. I miscarried between my daughter and my current pregnancy. I was so elated and had told my family and a few close co-workers only to have to tell them 5 days later that I had lost the pregnancy. At first I thought I was okay but I kept having little meltdown moments at work and decided to go home to process it. I had a few good cries over a few days and then came to the realization that it was not meant to be for some important reason in order for it to not come to fruition. I knew that when it was ready and right and healthy it would happen and it did. You are totally in your right to feel lost, hurt, sad, or whatever you are feeling. I am sorry to hear your husband has not realized how this has affected you yet but men grieve very differently from women (mostly by ignoring or suppressing from what I have experienced). You will heal but I would definitely check with your doctor to maintain your own health, safety, and well-being. My thoughts are with you.

I'm deeply sorry about your loss. I never knew the pain until I had my 1st miscarriage at 16 weeks. Just know that it is not your fault! I blamed myself and thouht "What did I do to cause this?" My doctor said that it was just one of those freak things that happened. We all grieve in our own way, so maybe your husband is grieving just as much but not showing it. Hang in there and talk to your husband. Together you can get through this. Prayers are with you.

HI C.. Sorry for your loss. I have had 2 miscarriages. 1 in 2001 which I didn't know about I had taken 3 home pregnancy tests EPT and then at the dr's office (may have been because I had a 2 shot series Hep C for a trip to Thailand). I thought I started my period while at a friend's house (I've had irregular periods that year.) and then I lost it in the toilet unknowingly.

Anyway, then in 2006, I was pg, and then found out my son from my 2nd pregnancy, had just gotten the dx of autism, I lost that baby too. We tried again later that year, and had my 4th pregnancy another boy.

If you think you're still pregnant or either case, I wouldn't wait a week and a half to see the dr. I'd go see the dr now. Demand it. Tell them you want an ultrasound. You might still be pregnant, and need progesterone pills right away in order to "KEEP" the baby.
I found that out after I had my 2nd miscarriage. And this is what "SAVED" my 2nd baby boy because I also spotted with that one on the verge of almost losing him when I was in another state visiting for xmas. I am blessed for both of them.

In regards to your husband, my husband was the same way, that they don't know how to communicate/feel/no emotion whatsoever. I still go thru this everyday. I have an autistic son who's high functioning, yet I take care of him, all the paperwork, dr appts, everything. My husband helps with bathing, clothing, brushing,feeding, playing. Since my 5 year old can now carry a conversation and is potty trained, and helps me with his 2 year old brother, it has been much easier. My husband feels stressed too. Give yours sometime and tell him to talk about his feelings.

Good luck!

I'm sorry that you had a miscarriage. I also had one and yes, it left me feeling sad, yet it was so early in the pregnancy that I didn't have a lot of time becoming attached. I had told all family because it was going to be my first baby and that was the hardest, telling everyone the news. I'm sorry you don't feel supported right now. The things that helped me to deal were that statistically, miscarriages are extremely common. I also felt that there may have been something physically wrong with the baby and it was a natural selection and good thing the baby wasn't born. I also felt that maybe there was some other reason I wasn't supposed to mother that particular child and so be it, I don't need to know or understand why. My suggestion is to grieve briefly, enjoy the family that you do have and if you're seriously wanting another child, keep trying. I birthed two healthy children after my miscarriage.

I have miscarried my first pregnancy at 13 weeks, so just long enough to have shared with everyone. We woke up on Christmas morning to bleeding. A few days later I went into what I now know was labor, and my body expelled the pregnancy. What I have learned is called a spontaneous miscarriage. I was in shock, I balled and I did not know what I did or why this happened.

It was really h*** o* me, as I was away from my family. He was in the military and we were on the east coast, and family lived on the west. It was even harder walking in stores seeing other pregnant women.

Even worse was I became pregnant 6 weeks later. How is that worse? Well I was feeling pregnant again, went to the doctor and got a negative test result. At home I would get the morning sickness, and actually throw up. I seriously thought I was emotionally making myself feel pregnant. A month later I went to the drug store and purchased a at home test, it was positive!!

So I went to the doctor in April and they wanted to know when my last period was in October. I had no idea how far along I was. So they did a ultra sound, and I was 13+ weeks along. How did I get a negative test result at the doctor a month earlier? My son is 11 yrs old today!

I do however never forget about my child that was inside me, who I was its mother to for a very, very short time.

I am so sorry for your loss. As far as I'm concerned you lost a member of your family and it's ok to grieve like you have. I miscarried with my first pregnancy when I was 25. After a couple years of waiting to try and get pregnant, due to some arthritis issues & meds I was taking for it, I was crushed. I started to bleed early on a Monday morning and called the dr on call. I went into the office first thing Monday morning for an ultrasound. The tech said nothing as she was doing it. I could see it on the screen, but of course having been my first I didn't know what to look for. She only asked me how sure I was of the date of my last period. Then I went to talk to my dr and he looked at the info from the ultrasound and told me that I was about 10 weeks along, but the baby was only about 7/8 weeks along and there was no heartbeat. It's a feeling that I still cannot explain, you only know it when it happens to you. We hadn't told many people, but did share with them what had happened afterward. I cannot tell you how many stories were shared with me of miscarriages. It doesn't make it any easier to deal with, but just knowing that other women understand what you're going through helped.

It was the first time I really saw my husband cry, I mean really cry. We cried together and I was surprised to learn that he was crying to himself before or after work because he was trying to be strong for me. I still think about that baby all the time, sometimes daily. I believe that the baby was already perfect and too pure for this world that he/she could go on to whatever is out there after life.

Take time to grieve the loss, but take comfort in knowing that your baby is in a better place (with whatever your beliefs are).

Oh C.,
The second I read your post, all of my own feelings came rushing back. The sadness, the guilt, the anger...I'm so sorry for you. I miscarried with my second pregnancy and I was really upset. I was asking questions like...maybe this means I shouldn't have another child? (WRONG!) My Grandma's response was the best..."You LOST the baby?"..."No Grandma, it's actually still in my uterus, thanks." :( People say strange things, some say it wasn't meant to be, some say it's for the best...but really it's whatever you decide.
I found I kept feeling really hurt when people would say "Oh it's for the best"...Oh really? Then why do I feel so bad? However...as some time passed, I spoke with a lot of women around me and found this was soooo common.! A lot of them never told the people in their lives and so there was no one to mourn with, what a tragedy!! I found not really anyone but me was truly affected (My hubby was just like yours/and all the rest). I felt like I suffered silently, but I began to work through my feelings. I planted a tree in honor of the unborn child. This surprisingly made me feel A TON better. But I caution you on that one, the tree died a few months after I planted it, and I planted another (different kind) and it died and I found myself feeling horrible all over again. We decided to try again for another child 4 months later and interestingly enough after my second daughter was born, I saw a woman who does Neuro Energetic Kinesiology. (I'm not sure what you believe but I must share this with you) I began speaking with her about how I still felt bad about the miscarriage and she smiled, and said "Don't. The reason your trees kept dying was because that soul was alive and is your second child!!!" She said, "Her soul wanted very much to be with you and waited for another body!" My beautiful baby Evie is such a special gift and I'll never forget that!
Hang in there, pamper yourself, soothe yourself, get your thyroid tested and if you need to talk, please feel free to email me at ____@____.com
In love & light,
S.

C.,

I feel for you and your loss. The loss of a child can truly feel devastating. I had my third miscarriage 4 weeks ago, so I am right there with you! I found out I was pregnant (surprise!) and heard the heartbeat and saw the baby on an ultrasound at 6 weeks. I got sick at 10 weeks and when I wound up in the ER, they told me there was no longer a heartbeat. I felt fat and ugly and sad for what felt like forever...although now it's only been 4 weeks.

It's funny how attached you can get to the idea of having another baby in just a few short weeks. Silly little things (like seeing a pregnant woman or a baby) would start me crying. I found it helped (and still does) to get out some every day, even if it was just to take my 3 year old to the park or go to the grocery store. Distraction and time and lots of crying all helped me heal, and now after 4 weeks I am feeling much better. (I have also returned to my pre-pregnancy size, too!)

Remember that you will go through postpardum depression, just as you did when your babies were born, but this time it may be much worse. If you find yourself thinking about hurting yourself or others, call your doctor right away.

I now find myself pulling my kids closer and being more grateful for the ones I have more now than ever before. This experience has given me a new appreciation for my loved ones. I will be praying for you as you go through your terrible loss. I hope that one day you will be able to find the peace that you seek.

{{Hugs}}

It is so hard to go through a pregnancy loss. It is also important to remember that there's nothing that you can do to accidentally cause a miscarriage. Don't blame yourself or your weight. When these things happen, it's for reasons that couldn't be helped.

I am both a licensed midwife and a mother. I've had miscarriages myself. It's normal to be sad and to try to find a reason. Let yourself experience those feelings. It might help, too, to find a miscarriage support group online to have a place where everyone there understands how you are feeling. Take the time to grieve and heal.

Again, I am so sorry you are experiencing this loss. If you have healthcare concerns regarding this loss, feel free to contact me off list.

I am so sorry for your loss. I miscarried my first pregnancy in 1992. I was 12 weeks along with that pregnancy. Then I had four children and then had another miscarriage last year in April of 2008. I wasn't expecting another child with my 2008 pregnancy and I miscarried at 5 weeks and nothing seemed right with the pregnancy so I knew I was going to miscarry. But I was still shocked when I did miscarry and I grieved until I passed when I was due to have the baby. I am now pregnant again and I'm 10.5 weeks pregnant. I worry about a miscarriage and I'm going to be 39 by the time the baby comes. I was on a roller coaster with both miscarriages and my hormones played a big part of that also. It takes a little bit for your hormones to balance out. I'm praying for you... hugs!!

C.,

I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. It is a very hard thing to go through and although they may be supportive Husbands just do not understand that even thought we have not seen the baby we are already bonded to it. I had a miscarriage in between my oldest son and my second son. We were so excited and had told everyone about it. It was very unexpected. Everything was going great and then all of a sudden it was gone. I was devastated and didn't think I could ever get over it. My doctor was horrible about it also. He had sent me for an unltra sound and then made me wait in the office with all these happy pregnant women for 2 hours. Once I had found out that it was a miscarriage I didn't think I could even get out of bed. After a while the pain started to numb, and I was able to function. Within a few months I was great again. I went back to work and then learned that I was pregnant again. It had only been 4 months and I was a nervous wreck. I passed out and had to go to the hospital and then learned that I was having twins. Within 2 weeks of learning this I lost one baby. Again I was devastated but then I was happy because I still had one baby. Wit hour last little one we didn't tell anyone until I was about five months pregnant. I was to afraid that if I told someone I would loose that one to. I am now the proud mama of three beautiful children, two boys and a little girl. I still greive for the little ones I lost and I think I always will but God has a plan for us and he knows what is best. I have learned to put my trust in him and it has truly helped. We all grieve in different ways and the best thing for us is to allow ourselves to hurt. We must hurt to get better. If you need anything even if it is to just talk please e-mail me.
____@____.com

M.

Give yourself time to grieve, everyone handles this differently. It's a long healing process and the hurt doesn't completely go away, just like losing any other loved one, it just gets easier to handle over time. Over the last year I've had 3 miscarriages following 2 very uneventful pregnancies, it's really hard and people who haven't experienced it have no idea how someone you've never seen can be so painful to lose. My dh has been supportive but he'll never understand. Take it easy, don't rush yourself, don't be afraid to ask for help. My last was about 6 weeks ago and I still get sad about it from time to time.

I've had 3 miscarriages, 2 before and one after my son. Just a few of my thoughts. Men don't understand it and it is very h*** o* them to see their wife grieve for something they don't understand. Don't take that to say you shouldn't grieve in front of him, he needs to be a part of it. I just know for our experience my husband really didn't know how to help. I heard from someone a mother becomes a mother the second she finds out she is pregnant and a father becomes a father when the child is born.
Yes, it is a crazy roller coaster ride, not only are you grieving a loss, you are dealing with pregnancy hormones as well and all the physical that goes along with miscarraige. It is ok to freak out and it is ok to feel calm about it sometimes, your emotions will be wild for a while, but I promise it gets better. The more you talk about it, the more your husband will understand, but be patient with him. The more you talk to other women, you will find more women that have gone thought miscarriage, unfortunatly, it is more common that we realize.
Just a note on the physical side. I'm guessing you were about 8-9 weeks? When I miscarried at 9 weeks I blead for about 3 days, but I still needed an ultrasound to make sure my body had cleared everything out.
You are in my thoughts.

Hello C.,

I am so sorry you are going through this. We miscarried with our first pregnancy. We had announced it to everyone and then a week later that same thing happened. Husbands don't understand all of the emotions we are going through or how to help deal with them. Just be patient with yourself and your husband. The Doctors weren't very sweet either. It was just another routine visit to them. I am sure you are so thankful for your beautiful family. Try to pamper yourself whether it is a feel good movie or your favorite treats. My thoughts are with you. You are not alone.

Sincerely,
Mother of Three

I am soooo sorry that you had to go thru that! I, myself have been thru 5. I now have a miracle child that is 10. So, YES- I know how you feel! It is hard, no doubt about that! I have a condition; a septate uterus... like having two uteri. I miscarry very easy! So, for every one that I did miscarry, I got really depressed and jealous of others... However, it happened for a reason...there is not any rhyme or reason but you have a wonderful family already...I know that it is hard, but try to focus on them and getting yourself back to you again. It is hard to go thru and it is an emotional roller coaster, but you have a family that loves and adores you...that are here and waiting for you. I wish you luck and happiness.

C.,

About 5 years ago I had a miscarriage. I thought it would be the end of my world. I found out the Friday before 4th of July weekend. On tuesday I was in the ER bleeding with horrible cramps. By the following Friday, it was over. To top it off, it was a new/rocky relationship, so we were not prepared. It was probably a good thing it did not progress to term.

Side note: If pregnancy tests weren't so damn good now a days - we would never know so soon about being pregnant. The home tests can detect such a small amount of HcG that we can almost conceive, then pee on a stick, and get a psitive result ! This might have passed as a menstral cycle - if you hadn't gotten a positive result.

All I can say, is hang in there and be patient. The sadness will pass. It doesn't seem like you are planning on more children - so what happened to me might not help - but here it is.

Earlier this year (2-14) I got remarried. He is a great guy and I am lucky to have him. (Although he has his moments - he is still a male!) In late June we found out we were pregnant. (Due 2-14) In July, we found out we are having TWINS ! In September, we found out it is TWO BOYS !

I never thought I would be pregnant again, let alone in a great relationship with a man who wanted children. I am 32, so not as old as you - but still our bodies can react differently. I am glad to be pregnant again, but I am counting down to a C-section. (12 weeks!)

Just remember to be patient. Hang in there. If you need to vent/talk - just send me a message through this website.

~ C.

First let me say how sorry I am- I know how hard this is, whether the pregnancy is a surprise or not. :) With my first pg I miscarried around 10 wks, and while dh and I weren't planning on a baby at the time, I did feel so disappointed and sad that I miscarried. Dh treated me like I was on my period and refused to talk about it for years- like there had been no pg or miscarriage at all. And my mom flat out told me she wasn't ready to be a grandma yet and maybe it was for the best- !!! I hadn't told many people either, but I was so affected by the miscarriage, going through grieving, etc. and dh wasn't talking OR listening to me about it, that I had to shock some folks who were good friends and tell them why I was so upset, just to talk to SOMEBODY. The gals at the office were so sympathetic and would stop by my desk or call one at a time to see how I was and tell me about their miscarriages- some I had no idea. They told me their stories so I wouldn't feel alone and to comfort me. My family was the least helpful- had no idea what I was going through since their lives had not been affected in the same way, wanted me to go back to the way I was overnight. I just couldn't- the loss had changed me and I didn't realize it, but dh had seen the ultrasound and told me FIVE YEARS later how crushed he was when the doc said there was no heartbeat, he had been so excited to see the baby for the first time. He was sobbing when he told me this- FIVE YEARS later- took him that long. It made him VERY angry too- he just handled it different. It took me until the birth of my son two years later to be 'ok'-his birth soothed the ache left in my heart. I don't know you, but if I could I would give you a great big hug and give you a vacation off life for a while... Lots of love, Melaney