Seeking Advice on Dealing with My Rude Teen Age Daughter (15 Yrs)

I have a 13 yr old daughter, whom in the most part, is very respectful to me.
But... there are times she talks back, slams doors, and screams at me. I have told her, you respect me, and I do the same. I also have one rule...
"I trust you, till I can't!"
...she knows what that means....and I haven't had any dishonesty, or deceipt on her part, so she knows she can ask me for certain privileges and 99% of the time I will comply.

Try the talking and trust/be trusted speech if you think it will work.

if not....Good luck w/ whatever works....

I am 23 and I was an incredibly mouthy teenager. My parents weren't able to break me of it because they were so inconsistent. They'd ground me and then let me off the hook when I would cry and beg, or if they didn't I would just sneak out and do it anyway. Now, my 17 year old sister lives with me and she is more disrespectful than I was. I just take the privileges away. If she mouths off to me about doing her assigned chores, I add more on to it. If she tells me she's on the phone or computer and she'll do it later I disconnect them. If she skips school because she says it is stupid, she's grounded for a weekend night for every missed class. She mouthed off to the principal, so she had to write and apology letter. She hasn't skipped any class in a month and she does her chores pretty consistently now ( though not always as well as I would like for her to.) The current battle is whether or not she should have to go on a family vacation with us, and she has argued and fought and criticised, but the answer remains the same. Give me a reasonable solution in a civil tone and I'll consider it. As long as she won't speak respectfully, I won't give her the time of day and the answer will always be no. You have to remember that it's your home and your rules. If she doesn't like them, then when she turns 18 she can move out and change them.

Like it was said, lay down the law, don't give in or she'll learn when you're not consistent, but make sure to show her that you love her despite her flaws. No one's perfect, but there are expectations for us when we are living in someone else's home, and it's not her home, it's yours.

Good luck. I'll pray for you and your situation!

I am a single parent of a 16 yo boy. He has ADHD, so puberty actually mellowed him out a bit. Most of the time when he starts yelling, it isn't even about the issue at hand. I ask him to think about what it is that is really upsetting him and if he wants to talk about it I will listen. He is allowed to say anything that he wants to me, as long as he says it respectfully. I also tell him that part of being a kid and living at home is that you aren't in charge of your life. As long as he is living at home and I am supporting him, he has to follow my rules. You have to be willing to lay down rules and consequences and stick with them. If I am not willing to enforce a punishment, then I will not use it as one. Many times I had to miss out on something that I wanted to do, or leave early because he was misbehaving. We try and do things together that we both enjoy. If you need an ear or a shoulder, I am always willing to do what I can. My e-mail is ____@____.com or my phone is ###-###-####.

Best wishes,
T.

Okay. Now I got something to say. There are some great books about boundaries. They are titled that "Boundaries". There is that one, then Boundaries for Kids, then Boundaries in Marriage. I think that might help you out a lot. They also have workbooks that helped me out quite a bit. I grew up with a co dependent mom so I didn't know how to deal with others. I'm probably going to be refreshing so I can properly teach my children how to respect my boundaries and the rules. I think that might be a good place for you to start. And I say bravo for realizing that you are enabling her behavior and desiring to change. :) It is easier to blame everyone else and not realize when we are doing something ourselves. The book I mentioned... I think it is Christian. I am a Christian and so half the stuff I get is that as well and I don't always notice it. So just check out books on boundaries and see what you can find that would fit with your beliefs and help you to grow as a person and a mother.

Lay down the law now or it will only get worse. Remember: 1)You are the parent and the adult. 2) Your house/your game/your rules- no if, ands or butts about it.

We my husband and I recently had a female relative come live with us because no one else could handle her. She had been aloud to dissrepect her parents and basically do as she pleased. When they kicked her out she went to live with her friends. Soon that got old and she was going to have to live in her car. We took her in (she was 19) made her get a job and go to college. She had to.... be home at night, before we went to bed (10:30 -11:00), go to bed by midnight (no TV, phone, internet, etc),get up in the morning,
her room clean, and help out aroung the house. She didn't like being treated like a 'kid', but we told her she acted like on and when she demonstrated adult behavior we would treat her like an adult. In less then a year she was in school and living on her own. Today she is still making it and she tells us that it's because we 'made' her take responsibility for herself. I truly beleave that if her parents had done what we did, they would not have needed us to do it. By the way, my kids are not teenagers yet, we just made her follow the same rules that they have to.
I know it must be extremely tough to do it on your own. But it will get easier, just lay down the law and stick to it. Dr. Phil's web site has some great info on it.
Good luck.

Hey Rebecca- I dont have teens but i am close enough to my teens that i can tell you that my parents would ground me and take away privliges until my attitude changed. It worked because i wanted to hang out w my friends. my mom also made sure that we had together time at least once a week so it helped our relationship. -B.

Remember, too, that being a teenager is a very difficult time, and some testing and rude behavior is very normal. This doesn't mean that it's acceptable, or that she should get away with it, but it likely won't last forever and is probably just a reaction to how many teenagers feel - confused, hormonal, anxious, etc.

Hi R.,

I have three children, the oldest is 23, a girl 14, and a boy 16. First...(my 23y/o tried that at 15), and well, lets just say I deleted some of the things she enjoyed doing until she had a change of attitude.

My 16 y/o has learned to raise his voice (every since his voice changed) I simply look him in the eye (eye contact is "very" important), and tell him that if he does not lower his voice and act civil, he will not playy video games that day. (Usually, his attitude is a result of having a tough day at school with peers on the bus.)

My 14 y/o does not usually talk back or give me attitude "unless" she is hungry, (low blood sugar) and there is rivalry between her and her brother...she tends to be bossy, and demand that my husband and I take away his priveledges, not recognizing that she is the problem! So for her, I usually tell her to back off, that she is out of control, and then I make sure that she gets something to eat. (This usually happens right after school as well.)

So, you might want to identify what is "her trigger" that causes your daughters anti-social behavior...Sit down and tell her that her behavior is unacceptable to you, and that you are more than happy to talk about whatever is bugging her...

When I was 15, my mom identified why I was acting out, and it was because of those lovely pms hormones a certain time of the month...My friend gives her daughter "Midol" ( an over the counter pms pill) It works for her daughter...

Another thing you can do is give her consequences for her rudeness...What is it that she would miss dearly if you took it from her for a day, week etc?

An finally, I pray every night for the good Lord to place a hedge of protection around the children, give them wisdom and discernment beyond their years, traveling mercies, and I ask for the Lord to give His angels charge over them. It gives me such peace to know that He's got them covered...

I hope what I have offered, will help you...
It seems we both have similar situations...

Please feel free, if you would like to e-mail me, I moved here from CA. and my network of friends are there...
My e-mail is ____@____.com

God Bless,
C.