Seeking Advice from Other Co-sleeping Moms

Well, I would just have to say that you just have to do what feels right for your family unit and don't worry about what others have to say. That said, I know that it is hard when family and friends offer their 2 cents.

My husband and I weren't raised in co-sleeping families but it works for us. My husband and I have 3 kids ages 5, 2 1/2 and 3 months and we all sleep together. The only reason they are 2 1/2 years apart is because my husband and I started having kids at age 37 and felt we were running against the clock. There is some jealousy but usually for my attention and it has not really been directed at a sibling. We have a king size mattress on the floor next to a double. The 5 year old sleeps in the double. We all get a good nights sleep and if the hubby and I need to be together we certainly spice it up and make it happen somewhere else in the apartment. We now live in Japan where sharing a room to sleep is the norm whether everyone is sleeping on futons next to each other on the floor or in a Western style bed. Kids stay with their parents until they are 10 sometimes and no one makes a big deal about it.

Have you read Our Babies Ourselves by Meredith Small or A World of Babies by Judy DeLoache and Alma Gottlieb? You can also check out the web site for Dr. James Mckenna who has researched mother/ baby sleep patterns. http://www.nd.edu/~jmckenn1/lab/

My boys (who are seven years apart) both co-slept until they were about two, then they each very easily transitioned to a twin mattress on the floor of their room, then to a bunk bed. And you can always get pregnant -- add a little spice by making a game out of having sex at an odd time or place --- e.g., standing up in the closet during the baby's nap, or on the kitchen counter, or in the back seat of the car while the baby is at grandma's. Your husband will most likely love this game!

And I know you didn't ask for advice on spacing your kids, but it seemed to me that it was much easier to deal with one child at a time while they were very little, and I felt I could give each one more of my time and attention. Their relationship as brothers also seems better for the fact that they were seven years apart, because the sibling rivalry thing was very mild, and there wasn't much jealousy or competition between them. Although, of course, big brother complained of having to be a "role model" for little brother, and little b. complained that he was not able to "hang out" with big brother and his friends all the time. I guess with kids if it ain't one thing, it's another!

Hi S.,
We have been using Dr. Sears's attachment parenting method all along. We have had great success with it.
We co-slept with our first son until he was two. When we brought home our new baby, our 2 year old decided he did not want to sleep with us anymore because the baby was disturbing his sleep. He has moved to his bed in his room without any problems at all. I missed not having him there but it was his decision. I was amazed at how well he transitioned.

Hi S.,
Dr. Sears is right on. I don't believe there is any set time to move your baby. My son,who is now seven, slept with us all night until he was about 3 and then when he turned three, he would start out in his big boy bed and then come and sleep on a bed we made for him on a foam pad on the floor. By the time he started kindergarten, he was all night in his own room. We tried letting him cry it out and it would work for a few weeks, but when he started to wake up again in the middle of the night, I didn't have the heart to leave him sobbing in a crib (my son also cried until he threw up) Besides, isn't the most important thing for everybody to have a good sleep? We now cosleep with our daughter and will do so until we are no longer getting good sleeps. The experience is supposed to be bonding and enjoyable. I guess the time to get them out is when it moves from those feelings to something that is no longer beneficial to your family.

It sounds like we are in similar situations, except my youngest is a girl the same age! What I did with my eldest daughter is kept nursing, even at night, until she lost interest at around this time (11 months or so). She lost interest once she was getting a lot of solid food during the day. Just like my youngest daughter, my eldest was slow to start solids but finally became interested at around 10/11 months and then things really took off. My hope with my little one is that night weaning will occur soon (next 2-3 months) and to that effort I am focusing on continuing to increase her solids (to her taste). She really likes solid food now, it's just a matter of us getting it together more and having stuff for her.

Hello S.: Being the mother of 5 and now a Grandmother who has always had her children sleep with her I just wanted to repond a little differently.By the way in our generation it was just called " sleeping with mom and dad"
The hard part for us (my husband & I) was deciding when it was Our Need vs the Childs Need to be with the parent. We have found that it was more helpful to have them "nest" near our bed than to be in it after a time. ( they all have special queen size quilts and they just piled it up like big bird). I have a friend that has her almost 5 year old with her still and is having difficulty in her marriage because of it. Please never let the child be there so much that there is no intimacy between you and your spouce. The adults relationship is what gives the children security and peace.
Our grandchildren always liked to sleep? with papa & I along with every stuffed animal in the house. It has made for some great pictures and funny stories. Now I have decided to allow them to build nests on the floor as well & not sleep in my bed.
I really believe that the child should always be able to sleep in their own area so that it is not a shock when they Get to do it& by age 1 should be able to sleep on their own 50% of the time. (My disclaimer is that when our teenage daughter would come in from a date she and her friends might all come in and talk-- or as adults when they come in and talk in the middle of the night and fall asleep). It is a sweet time when in the middle of the night you can sit in a rocker and talk with your little one and whisper all the love you have for that child. You child might react the first few times so try music and a fan for white noise but I don't think it will keep up unless he has you well trained to thinnk so. Children are ususally very adaptable to moves and change unless the parent lets them sence they should not be.I wish you luck in your adventure of parenthood. It is the greatest thing that I have ever done and would not trade it for anything. Nana G

Hi S.,
You took the words right out of my mouth. I'm in the same EXACT situation. I've read Good Nights by Jay Gordon & Maria Goodavage (same philosophy as Dr. Sears). They say that usually the child will want to leave the family bed around 2. They suggest reading The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley to help the child along. I haven't read that one yet. I'm in the middle of reading The New First Three years of Life by Burton White. He suggests waiting until the first child is 3yrs to avoid the jealousy problems. But many of my friends that have two kids say to have the second child before the first one is 2.5yrs so that they can play together and be best friends. I'm a little torn about this too and I can't wait to read more responses to your questions! Thanks for asking.

Hi S.,

Don't worry about Ferber. Don't worry about what other people say. I was a co-sleeper mom until my son was about 16 mos old. It is pretty natural for mothers to want to be with their babies at all times. It bonds us together more. Animals has been doing for centuries. Why can't we do it. Animals...humans....a mother is a mother.

They are not going to be with us forever. Enjoy him while you can. My son actually kicked me out of the pull out bed because he was tired of sleeping with me. When I left him. He didn't even cry or care. It was actually relieved that he has room to move his little muscles and not have mommy there to harbor all over his space.

Do it when both of you are ready. Not what Ferber or other people says. You are his mother. You know him best.

Good luck!!!!

My boys are 2 years old and we are co-sleeping. They do not seem to be dependent on it, it is just an arrangement that we have, but we both feel that it is better for them (and us) to be next to eo. I think we will get their own beds and at first have it in our room and when everyone is ready will move it to their room. I think it is normal to have babies close to parents up to 2-3 years of age. In India, for e.g. moms don't separate with babies until that age. Cribs, separate rooms, cry-it-out would not be understood or accepted in cultures like that.

first of all don't listen to what everybody else has to say about you co-sleeping...if everybody in your house and in your bed is happy with the arrangement, and do well, just do as you've been doing until it no longer makes you all happy, or satisfies the soul of all parties. my daughter turned three in april and my husband myself and our angel are all quite content with this arrangement. now that's not to say there aren't any nites we would like to have the bed to ourselves, and on those nites, we simply move our daughter to her toddler bed...she goes down around 9 ish and we don't retire until well after that, so moving her isn't an issue, and some nites just her and i will tuck ourselves into her bed daddy can sometimes get home from work well after midnight, so we sorta make it a special thing, like camping sorta and also sorta not at all like camping. she spends one weekday nite at one gp's house and does fine in her own room there, and one weekend nite at the other gp's house and does fine in her own room there as well. when i first tried to get her to her own bed at about two yrs, i simply told her that in mommy and daddy's bed blankets and toys can't join us at bedtime because there was very little room left for mommy and daddy this way, and if she would like to sleep with blankets or toys, i would be happy to lay with her and her co-sleepers in her bed in her room, she jumped on that bandwagon, and for about two months she went to bed in her room (of course waking in ours, big girl beds allow them to roam your halls and climb into your bed without you lifting a finger, yeah big girl beds! i always dreaded the 3am walk through darkness which led to just getting her settled and finding i was wide awake) but well mommy missed her and well daddy missed her too even her feet in our neck face back and stomach, missed it all so it is probably our selfishness that is at fault for her still being a co-sleeper but heck they're only this age fo a split second, and i love her baby breath in the morning as nasty as it is so until she asks to move to her own bed, or daddy or i come to our senses i guess the family bed is where she'll stay...but do what feels right for your family you know and love them best!

Hello,
I co-slept with my daughter until she was 13 months old. I put her in her own crib at that point for 2 reasons:

1) She needed to sleep a lot longer than me (12 or so hours)
2) She was taking about 2 hours to fall asleep in my bed

It seemed like it was the right time for her. Now she goes to bed in her own crib (unless she is sick) and usually wakes up about midnight and asks to come to bed with me (which I let her). I don't see the harm in it~ she is 2 now and will not be small forever.

To get her to sleep in her own crib, I had to do the "cry it out" method. My daughter also cries so hard she throws up, but she did't throw up in her crib ever. It took 3 nights and she learned how to self-soothe...

Good luck!

Hi S..
I have 3 boys and they all co slept with my DH and I for about 3 years each and off they went to their own room. I have one left with us, he's about 22 months. We recently converted our crib to a day bed and put it right next to our bed. We cuddle and then when he ready to fall asleep, he goes in his crib. I tied moving him to his room, but he's not ready. On Saturdays, they ( all the kids sleep in our room) that made the transition a lot easier on them. I also let them know that they are welcome to come in hear in the morning or if they have a nightmare. They do come in the morning to say good morning and cuddle for a bit before breakfast. Which is fine with me. When I was pregnant, they still slept in the room with us, even after the baby was born. I didn't want them to feel like they were being replaced. Which was fine. I think it is fine just as long as your husband, you and the baby are okay with it and comfortable. People say I co sleep with my kids way too long and often say stuff because I am for the whole attach parenting style. I say hey they are only kids for a short time. They wont always be with you, before you know it, they'll be off to college and you can't take back those years. So why not enjoy the closeness while you can.

Take their advise and move him out.

We did co-sleeping when my daughter was born because she was sick and we were nervous and thought we'd get sleep if we weren't having to get up and down all night. It worked.

She's turning 8 next week and we've laid down the lay. 8 Year olds sleep in their own bed. That's it. She's ready as she is finally sleeping without holding on to me. She can go all night without the need to touch me. It was usually a foot touching me.

She also just came out of Pull-ups at night. She's been dry for over a month. (Point to that comment was....don't push that. It will come when your child is ready.)

We tried Ferber and didn't work. She screamed for hours for nearly a week. I took the crib side off, pushed the crib next to the spare bed in her room and put her in the crib with me in the bed and my hand on her. As soon as I'd fall asleep, she'd roll/scootch out of the crib and next to me. I'd put her back. This would go on all night long. No one got any sleep. I tried starting with her in the bed with me and moving her to the crib. Screams and scootching out.

I gave up after several months.
We moved to San Jose area and bought her a big girl bed at 4 (she had a queen size, but it was "too big for me. I get lost and scared." She picked out the bed (mahogany canopy) and the curtains. A few nights here and there is all we got out of here.

We have to sleep because we have to work. We would get her to sleep in her bed and she'd get really sick and we didn't want her in her bed then. This was an annual event. We think we are really done and she's going to stay in her bed starting next week. All are on the same page.

Yes, move your son to his crib now, unless you want to have him with you for years to come.

That's my advise.
Stephanie

2 and a half and still co sleeping.

We have a bed in our room and I will on ocassion move him over and some times he wants his bed. If you are happy, husband is happy and baby is happy why change it?

S.,

My advice...do what is BEST for your family. I came up with a motto when I coslept with my son until he was 13 months.

1. Is this hurting my child?
2. Does it bother me?
3. Is my husband ok with this?

And in that order! Your friends and family don't live with you and quite frankly should mind their own business when it comes to parenting "advice". My son is almost 3 and sleeps very well by himself!

You will know when the time is right and it will happen easily. As parents we push things too fast and worry about public perseption.

Good luck,

J. W.

In our house we co-slept with our oldest until 2 yrs old and then got him a toddler bed which we put in our room until he was 5 years old and then into his own room. I now have an 11 month old and because we have grown larger in size we now have her in a crib pushed up to our bed with the side against the bed down. And that is where we are at for now! We couldn't imagine her in a room by herself yet and would like her to be as close as possible for we are still nursing 1 or 2 times a night, in the morning she crawls over the side right onto our bed usually happy and ready to play!
Do what feels right for all of you and compromise if you need to in order for everyone to be happy!
blessings
jen

Good for you for doing what feels right for your family! Don't let anyone else pressure you; they're not the ones sleeping with your son, so it's not their business!

We co-slept with our son exclusively for 6 months. Then we bought a crib and I would nurse him to sleep in his room and then lay him in his crib. He would spend 4 hours or so in his bed and when he woke up to nurse I would bring him in bed with me for the rest of the night. Things continued that way for quite a while. Sometimes, rarely, he would sleep through the night in his crib. But if he woke up he would stand right up in his crib, and no way would he go back to sleep! Then, when he was 18 months old, we slept over at my mom's and we put him on an extra mattress on the floor, and just like that he slept 9 hours on his own! So we went home and converted his crib into a toddler bed, which he LOVED, and he started sleeping in there much more happily. Then, at 22 months, he learned to put himself to sleep after we sang and kissed him goodnight, and that has been so nice! He wakes up around 6 every morning and I don't like to get up that early, so he comes in bed with me to nurse and we usually go back to sleep for a couple hours. I'm glad because I would miss it if we didn't have that snuggle time anymore.

So, if you do want to get him in his own bed, do it slowly. Let him start the night in his bed and don't force it if he wants to be with you. As I'm sure you know, he wont be in your bed when he starts high school, no matter what you do :) And actually, you might have an especially hard time if you try to do it now because separation anxiety peaks at 11-13 months. I'd wait til he's a bit older and you can explain the whole "big-boy bed" concept. Enjoy this while it lasts!