Relationship with Stepson

Hey, it's not a matter of being stepson or not. ALL MOMS need to repeat things in order to get them done! :) Sit with him and talk to him more like a young adult, he'll probably feel better at this show of respect and do things more willingly. Good luck.

He who pays gets to say! At 18 he can be booted out the door, pay rent etc. Talk to Dad to talk to him. Charge a maids bill for cleaning up after him. Find a spot in the house for you and baby. keep it clean and the hell with the rest of the house.. Tell hubby either the whole gang cleans or a new maid will be there soon. Kep all your and babys things clean and neat. when someone complains ponit to each item or mess and identify whos it is. I went on strike once and the problem disappeared.Once and only once my husband said that I didn't do anything all day. So as not tomake a liar out of him; for a weak I did nothing!!!

The first thing I noticed is his age. He's becoming a man and seperating himself. He's got to go through a change to learn how to be on his own soon so it's a transition of roles. You're no longer the mom he needs to tie his shoes and pack his lunch. Your role is changing too.
Try to get your husband on your side of asking to get the chores done. Sit down with both and have a list of what chores need doing and how often. Then let him pick what he would be comfortable taking on and delegate that. Write it on a wall calender on the days it needs to be done and put it in his room by the door or his desk. It's easy to think that kids don't have much going on so they should have the time to do chores, but they really are busy people. They're still developing, their hormones are still adjusting, they're doing schoolwork, homework, thinking about college or jobs, trying to learn the social aspect of life. That's a lot to deal with. Try to be patient.
And there are a lot of men who just tune out the woman when she's griping about things not getting done. They just see a miserable woman instead of someone who needs a little help. Instead of griping about it not done already, try to just catch him and remind him that it needs to get done by *dinner time* or whenever. Word it more like, I'd really appreciate it if you'd do this for me. Follow up with the thank you when he does it and words of praise.

Y.,
I think what you are dealing with is a typical teenager. Not to mention teenage boy. Remember back to being a teen & how many times your parents had to tell you to do something before you did it.
Just keep on him about his chores & whatever else he isnt doing. I know he is almost 18, but you can take things or priveleges away that will get his attention, if he doesnt listen.
I am a Mom to a 15 month old (boy) & pregnant with my 2nd (boy). So please keep us posted on how things go. I will be in your shoes in 17 yrs.
H.

Hi Y..
I don't know if this helps at all, but I can say that it must be a "woman thing". LOL
I notice that I do the same thing I think you are describing. Things don't get done, so I do them, but all the while I am complaining under my breath (or really loudly sometimes). It is something I learned from my own mother. Maybe it is just a female habit. I don't like it about myself, but when I stop and think about it (like right now), it really just makes me more miserable (like your son is saying). I don't feel better about anything b/c I am muttering about it. It just is a downward mood killer.

If I remind myself that I am doing these things for my family, because that is my role as wife and mother, I can actually enjoy doing some of the things (laundry, cooking, dishes, etc)... YES, I actually can! The trick is to consciously make myself acknowledge that I am fulfulling my role. I am not blind to the fact that it is NOT EASY to do this. And not everyone will agree that it is the wife/mother's "role" to do certain things. But, you ARE doing them, right? Either make a plan to get others involved in getting the work done, and work the plan, or look at it as part of your vocation and be happy that you are fulfilling it. Attitude can make all the difference.
I hope this helps.
Good luck to you.

hello girl all u could do is be his friend , because at that age of 18 it hard to do much, so donot fight with him he will come around , it just he getting older and he try to see how far he get,sometime all we need is just patient. injoy your baby boy for now.. just have some faith ,thing will work out in time for you. god bless you and your family.......

Hi

I also have a stepson. He was six when we were married and lmost 12 now. I think whta you are going throuh is hi just being a normal 17 year old boy. I doubt it is a reflection of how he feels about you. Mine is 12 and it has started already, but I know he loves me and is just being a kid. We also have a four year old boy and he does the same thing. I repea myself all the time. All it does is get me frustrated. You have to find what motivates him to get things done, like his driving priveledges. Threaten to take them away of certain things aren't done. But you have to be prepared to actually do it. When he sees you are serious, it will get done the first time you ask. Hope this helps

I have three sons (and eight brothers!)
What I went through with them, through pubescence was not fun. Now that I am going through menopause, I am told by my (excellent) doctor that we go through hormonal changes throughout our lives. That's what the teenager is going through. Have him checked for imbalance and get him on an herbal remedy. Check everyone in the house! Babies, espcially, go through so much change in the first year; and continue to shift.
Ask him if he'd enjoy the responsibility of taking the baby for a walk in the stroller, or choosing some of his clothes. Engage the young man in the nurturing and raising of your new baby. A little at a time.
Patience is a virtue. I wish you all MUCH of it.
Please keep reassuring that you will keep an open heart and give him love no matter; but there are some responsibilities that you do not wish to be burdened with. Sit down with him and make a list of "how he can help the family", be it menu ideas and cooking, (this is how my middle son and I learned to like each other through his "change"),laundry, garbage, pool, lawn care, or even selecting the color pallette for a new paint job.
Communication is key, so is a good diet; and lord knows we all drive into McDonald's for a fix...
Blessings

Perhaps he is going through a tough time right now, and he is reacting, instead of being a family participant. I know what it's like to be the only female in the house. I once had a family of four, myself. In my own struggles, I found that keeping my temper in check, was always good. When you say you have to repeat things, I did that with both boys, (e.g., please take out the garbage), until I thought I was going to pull my hair out. I don't think it is because your are a stepmother, by the way. Finally, I resolved that one by placing the garbage can in his bedroom, until he "got the message." There is no telling if you sit down and have a talk with him, whether or not he will open up. It will depend on his personality. So, if he's not carrying his weight around the house, ask God for guidance and strength to "say the right thing," tell him you are no longer going to 'repeat' yourself, and that there will be some type of consequences for his not carrying his part of the responsibilities around the house. I don't know if he drives, but I've hidden keys until the chores are done.

May God bless you in your endeavor.

Y., you are not alone in this. His behavior is typical of teenage boys....i have a 14 year old son who is the same way. It is hard to motivate him to do anything. The trick is to get him to WANT to do it himself.....so that you are not the one nagging him all the time; his motivation should come from within himself. For example if he leaves clothes on the floor, you just pick them up and calmly put them in a box somewhere until he runs out of clothes...then say "oh, you wanted me to wash those?" You can even make him pay to get the clothes back. He will get the picture that he either needs to do his own laundry, or put his clothes in the hamper for you to do them. This is just an example....but we as moms need to get creative with how to get our boys motivated!

I don't have all the answers, but I wanted you to know that this has nothing to do with you being a stepmom, or your relationship. My son is annoyed with me all the time! At least, he was, until I stopped nagging him and just started doing something else to get him to take control of his own life. At 18, he will be in the world on his own soon enough. It is our job to help them grow up to be functional adults....not necessarily to make them happy all the time! Some day he will thank you for it.

I am also a step mom, raising him also since 5yrs but he is now 16yrs old and I now have a 11 months old. I also have a 12yrs old ... As far as your stepson, keep showing him the love you always have. I hear I am so miserable so often it doesn't even bother me anymore ...lol!! My stepson knows I correct him out of love. I am sure your stepson does too. I doubt we will ever stop correcting our children ... don't be stressed about it unless the situations become confrontational and disrespectful. Just remind him each day that you LOVE him!!

Best Regards,
D.
www.pregnant-r-us.com

This is going to sound a little weird, but it's neither of you guys. He is a teenager... still no excuse, but you have to treat him kinda like a 5 year old. What I did when I raised my brother and sister, I always had an incentive. Money of course, but it could include going out or dinner out. Depending on what you can afford. Also, make sure that his dad lets him know if he is to live with you guys, he either starts handling his share of the chores or pays rent. His dad needs to let him know. Have a list ready of chores required and chores that are available. If he knows what is expected, he will not have excuses. What you and the hubby do now is so important of what it means for him to be a man.

Good luck :)

Hi Y.,
As some of the other mothers suggest, this may be just a teenage thing. Since you've been his stepmom since he was 5, this is probably not the reason you're having issues. However, there is a lot about your situation that we don't know. For example, does your husband have the same issue with your son? You mentioned that you're the only female. Does your husband help with chores? Do you have to ask him multiple times? If so, then your son is only modeling the behavior he sees from his dad. Another question I have is if you've always had this problem, or did he only recently lose initiative? If this is recent, try to pinpoint when the behavior change happened. Was there a triggering event at the same time, or other changes in the family? For ex, did this behavior just start when your baby boy was born? If so, his behavior could be psychological and be related to the changes in the family.

Hope this helps. Feel free to send me a direct message with answers to my questions if you want to explore these possibilities further.

Regards,
J. G

Hi Y.,

I was raised by my stepmom and love her like I love my real mom. I always say I was fortunate enough to have to mothers. One is my mommy(stepmom) and the other is my best friend(biological). She and I had rough patches, but not because she was a "step", only because I was a teen... The only advise I can give you is to keep doing what you're doing. But the main thing is to keep communication open and the expectations clear. He's soon to be 18 therefore needs to prove that he is ready to face the world. In order for him not to feel that you talk down to him, and for him not to feel that your new child has taken his place in your heart and priorities, you need to be clear of what you want and expect from him. He also needs to feel that he can tell you what he expects and wants... Take him out to dinner to hash out the rules, discuss and negotiate(he's not 5yo, so negotiating and coming to an agreement that suits you both is KEY) but also discuss the downfall if he doesn't come through on his end or if you fail on yours.

Sensing that you are there for him, that you "get" it, is the most important part for ANY teen...

Good luck and keep up your good work! Soon enough, he'll be thanking you for being his mom.

I know exactly what you are going through.
My eldest (14) is also my step-child whom I have been raising since he was 5 years old. My child does see his mother every other weekend now, she was in and out until the last couple of years. When he was younger it was easier being a kid and kids at young ages just kind of instinctivly go with the flow. Now I am forever fighting him to listen, show respect and get school/house stuff done and some of it is the age. I mean at 14 years old they all think they know better. Some of it is his mother (her and I do not get along) so he does not always want to do what I want him to do, especially if she is not on board. I had 2 step dads growing up and I remember it being the same way. The ups and downs could last forever. I do not have any great wisdom to impart on you, but you are not alone.

I would just keep telling him you love him, try to remeber that he's an adult, but do not let him forget that to be treated like one, one must act the part as well. You might have to set some new boundries.

Good luck and keep us posted.

HI Y.,

You will get through this! I think it is just being a teenager -- not even necessarily being a teenage boy. I have two daughters. My older one was (and still is) a major procrastinator. We were constantly having to repeat ourselves with her --- had to practically tie her to a chair to get her to fill our her college applications! LOL However, once she went away to college and had to start handling things on her own it got some better.

I agree with what one of the other ladies said about the chores, if that is what your major problem is, sit down with him -- look at his schedule (is he in school, sports, job? etc) figure out what needs to be done around the house and what he can help with (get your husband involved too). Everyone choose what chores they are going to be responsible for then try not to nag --- however, don't let him go out with friends or play on the computer if his chores isn't done.

Good Luck!

M.