Relationship Struggles

Hi K.,
I am four months post-partum so I can sympathize with how you are feeling. I can say that my husband did the same thing and I think that he felt that I was still really fragile during that time. Also, if you are arguing a lot he definitely will not feel like hugging or cuddling. It's a difficult and stressful time but I wouldn't judge your relationship based on this time. Give it a while and things will get better. There could be a multitude of reasons why your husband seems distant so I would ask him why and try to meet his needs as well. We forget that men have needs too. Best wishes to your family!!

Hello,

I think it's very common to experience what you're going through as a couple with a first child. I'm sure everyone has to go through an adjustment period. My husband and I went through the same thing with our first daughter.

You're trying to adjust to the new responsibilities and agree on how to handle them. There's new expenses & the baby takes up most of your time that you spent together cuddling & hanging out.

In my situation I think part of the problem was that my husband felt left out, which I believe is also very common. I nursed my daughter, so, it was me she wanted most of the time when she cried and I think that may have hurt my husband's feelings. Not to mention the fact that now the majority of my attention was also diverted from him to her. I'm pretty sure he was feeling left out & alone and that was probably the greatest cause of his negative feelings. If you think that this could be the root of the problem, I would recommend reminding him of how much you and the baby love him. Take time out to spend with him alone, do little things to show him you care. Remind him that it's continuously getting easier & plan a fun trip for the future.

It's still early on in the adjustment period so don't get discouraged. Stick with each other & the rewards will be wonderful. My husband and daughter are super tight now! She runs to him, screaming DADDDY! when he comes home from work and our relationship is stronger than ever.

Good luck, try to stay positive and enjoy your family!

If your fiance had been in the delivery room... this is totally normal. The area he once thought of for only sexual pleasure just went through something that to him, may have been gross and a total turn off. You are no longer the "sex" machine he once saw you as.,.. but now as some kind of baby producer area instead.

What you may want to do is talk to him and find out if this has truly scarred him. Otherwise, what I would do is get a babysiter for the night and make nice dinner reservations, enjoy each other, trying to get his mind off of it.... then I would try some soft lights and music... something a little sexy.. whatever HE likes that turns him on... and try to have relationships... if you can get him to think sex is ok with you again.. it will ease a lot of stress.

andy flick's mom
12/30/86 - 7/8/06
www.athome.com/DebbnKen

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles, but I can say that I completely understand where you are coming from. It seems that no matter what mind set you go into pregnancy with, it is always hard once the baby is here.

My husband and I hardly ever fought in the 10 years we were together prior to our son's birth, but those first 5 months following his birth were full of argueing, complaining and for me (with a touch of post partum) lots of crying.

My suggestion is to first, try and stay calm in the moments of anger and if need be wait a little while and revisit the subject when the kids are in bed and the 2 of you have time to talk through what happened. Second, try and see things from each other's prespective. Both my husband and I learned that we both felt like the other person wasn't caring about our struggles being new parents -- but really we were both just so overwhelmed with the day to day tasks that we could only see what we wanted for ourselves. Talking through things really helped.

Finally, we both realized that we needed to make time just for each other -- even if that ment just an hour at the end of the day. Try turning off the tv and just talking or reading together (or to each other). Whatever you do, do it together. This is a great time to sneak in those kisses you've been missing.

And don't forget, men may not "officially" get post partum, but there is a lot of strong emotions they have to deal with having a new little one at home as well. Try and be aware that his distance may be him struggling a little emotionally as well.

Best of luck.