Problems with Grown Children

They are spoiled and you are a damn good mom. You try, but they do not know how it feels to go with out. My suggestion is to send each a letter telling them how you feel about the situation, and how you feel about them (that you love them), let them know what you are dealing with right now, offer then a no confrontational opportunity to respond, and let them come to you on their own time and in their own way. After you do this, it will be hard, but you have to live you life and not concentrate on them. Concentrate on you. Give then the chance to act like the adults they are supposed to be.

The one concrete piece of advice that I would offer is for you to speak directly to your children to work through the issues. However, you have gone that route.

Let me offer a more general piece of advice from an energy level. The thoughts that we have about others are picked up energetically by other people. Your fears, anger, dismay, etc are picked up by your children. The anger or other negative feelings you feel toward your children in response to their feelings feed their negative feelings and help them subconsciously justify their feelings. To change this negative feedloop think about your family members and pick out the things that you appreciate about them. They will eventually get the message and subconsciously start to feel differently. Then let it go and trust the process.
Good luck

A. C

Hi P.,

OMG!! This is waaaaayyyy too close to home. P., I'm speakin from sincere experience & the utmost of the UTMOST of TRUTH, this is a job for God & I mean God ONLY. Girl if u only knew....

Read your post over & over. Everywhere u wrote your children, replace it with yourself. U could not even begin to imagine the healing that WILL eventually happen. :-)

Being a mother is hard work . I am a single parent of a 2and1/2 year old, I work 3rd shift and then come home and do everything I can to be a great mom. You have raised your kids and done what you can for them, if they are unable to appreciate you and love you UNCONDITIONALLY then it is time for you to start living your life for YOU and the family that is supportive and unselfish. I am only 30 and my mother was a single parent too. The amount of respect I have for her is unmeasurable. She gave everything and never asked for anything in return. You need to stop worring about what you think you might have done if they are unwilling to be HONEST and FORGIVING and let them know you love them but sometimes the chicks need to learn how to leave the nest and take ACCOUNTABILITY for their own choices . You are a great mom, and you will always be there for them , BUT not to be abused. Good luck with your upcoming union and GOD Bless.

I realize that you have tried to be everything and all that you could be for your children but you must let them go. Let them make their own decisions whether it is right or wrong. I have 3 grown children and it has been a struggle but I decided to let them deal with their own life issues just as I did we owe our children nothing no matter how much you be there for them they will always have a situation or circumstance that is beyond our control so I have given my children to God asking him to be all that they need. When you are a single parent being both mom and dad it is hard.But it is your time now so I say to you live and be guided by the right source that has blessed you all this time believe me if you consider what I have said then you will feel better and continue to love them but it is your time now and no they will not understtand but live for you. Believe me they might not like the decisionthatyoumake but theywilladjust and come around but inthe meantime LIVE, LET GO and LET GOD!!

As a single mom, you carry double duty. That means that you carried that times three. Children of single moms are often spoiled - sounds strange but it's true and yours are just that. Single moms go over-board trying to make up for their "mistakes." Your kids know how to manipulate you using guilt. You don't deserve it. Read the Bible, pray that God will bring peace. Live your life now and do what makes YOU happy. Bring God into your new marriage and your "grown" kids will see your joy. Go for it. Be happy.

Dear P.
You have been a good Mom to your children. They are no longer little children but grownups who decided to be on their own. Let them go. Tell them you love them. But they must make their own desisions. That is why they moved out.
I too have had the same thing happening. It cause me to get mentally sick. I ended up in the hospital twice with mental problems. I learn to let go. I am still doing it. They wanted to be on their own. So be it. I love them. But my apron string is no longer around them. I figure they get mad at me. They will get over it in time. They are just having a temper tamprin.

P. i am 55 i have raised my children my self also working long hours and sacrificing all for them. They were very jealous of any man that showed any interest in their mom. My children have gone to talking to me and not speaking to me. It is the nature of the beast. Jealousy. Yes you will always have time for your children and love in your heart for your own big time. I adore mine and my grandchildren are the stars in the sky when i am allowed to see them. You must seek a life for yourself. Your children are grown with children of their own. They wont always not talk to you because you will always call them and tell them how proud of them you are and send them cards on the holidays letting them know how much they are loved. My son didnt speak to me for 6 years now he calls me every week. Its a change its not their dad its another man its all so confusing and they dont like what you are doing what they dont understand is your on strugle for life also. See a counselor through mental health while you are making changes for your self. They can guide you without guilt but with comfort and understand and love for your children. Good luck god bless life is for living check it all out pray tell your children you love them but need someting for you too now.

I am 47 also and with similar problems to yours except that I do not have step children. Mine don't say that I don't have time for them though. I think that the problem with mine is that they are just jellous of each other. The oldest one seems to think it is "all about him". My youngest son is just a teenager. They both disrespect me something aweful and it really hurts my feelings. The middle is the only one that is nice and considerate. The other two think that the world should revolve around them. I don't know how I made them that way, except that they were conceived from the "devil" that I was married to.
I don't know if maybe that is the problem with yours or not but what I do is just let them be. I can't change how they feel obviously and no matter what I do, it is never right, so I just go about my life and hope and pray that they will understand, growup, and remember how I busted my butt to raise them and give them what they needed.
I feel for you and if you ever figure it out, please shoot me an email. I would like to know what to do and what works in this situation.
Good luck!

Your kids are obviously feeling hurt and neglected, whether you agree with their assessment or not. When was the last time you went to visit your grandkids? Your kids probably think you care more about this other guys kids than your own grandkids, if you are working all day and then rushing home to be with his kids. My Mom is 52 and has been dating the same man for over 10 years- he's a great guy, my Mom works 50 hours a week or so as a nurse, and she comes to visit at least once every 6 weeks. My husband's parents don't, and they really have no excuse. And we just don't like them as much. We don't send them as many pictures of the kids or call as often. I've just always been close with my Mom and she makes the effort. And her boyfriend still has kids in high school, so they've never lived together, and I've known that I always came first (though as I've grown up, I've not needed to assert that right in years. I'm 27 now but was only 16 when they started dating, and his kids were 5 and 7). Call your kids just to say hi. Plan a trip to go visit. Realize that life is short and if you choose a 4th husband over your grandkids, you will eventually regret it.

it sounds like your older children spent a good deal of time taking advantage of you and your love for them. you supported them on and of, at times in their life that they should be taking care of themselves. im not saying that you should abandon them, but they had you cleaning up there messes. now that you have others to look after, you cant baby them, and they resent that. they are finally seeing that they must make their own way. all i can suggest is to give them time and let them come back to you. take care of the little ones that you still have at home, and make sure that this second chance at parenting produces more self reliant children.

You are 47 years old. Time to start listening to yourself. Using your own words and own logic, does the following REALLY make any sense?

"Tend to want to be a caretaker for everyone else. Just seeking happiness.". So you took care of your youngest daughter and you "started having conflicts when she turned about 15" and went through "many heartaches.". Doesn't sound like happiness to me.

You "took care of her" again after she was an adult and now she won't speak to you. That doesn't sound very happy either.

"My eldest is my only boy. He and I have always been super close.". I suppose this is why you felt compelled to give him money, free car repair, and free rent when he grew up to become an adult with "several issues.". For all of your caretaking, he is also returning the favor by not speaking with you.

Your middle child chooses not to have much to do with your life (and those in it) because she "never has reason to."

Is your 47 year old brain starting to see a pattern here??

"Caretaking" cannot buy happiness.
If you must take care of something to feel fulfilled, then take care of something that cannot take care of itself (your children are adults and can do this themselves) AND is NOT someone else's. responsibility to take care of (the children of this man of yours). Help an endangered species or volunteer at an animal shelter. Wait! You can't because you work 70 a week?? Then try this: take care of ONLY yourself. You just might find that you are the only one who appreciates your caretaking.

Dear P. R, You are right.They are jealous, but its time for them to grow up and you to cut the apon strings. you had a life before them you faced everyday,(without much help it seems) So now let them do the same. they will come back,maybe not the way you wanted but still. Life is to short to worry about our grown children. enjoy your fianc"e try to help his children, and let yours know what its really like without mama...........D. H.

You sound like a wonderful person and a heart of gold why wouldnt anyone want to love you??I do not understand!! keep your head up and hang in there prayers are with you!!Good Luck!!

First of all, life is too short to work all those hours. Do you have to work that much?? And if you HAVE TO, does that mean too much money is going out and not enough is coming in?? If this is the case, I suggest DAVE RAMSEY!!
Next, it does sound like your kids are jealous. But if you were married 3 times, it sounds like they have felt SECOND (instead of FIRST) for a long time. I'm just guessing and don't mean to offend.
If you are looking to fix this situation, take time off or work less hours. WHEN YOU DIE, YOU DON'T TAKE MONEY WITH YOU, AND YOU LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN WITH MEMORIES. It sounds like it's time to MAKE GOOD MEMORIES.