Our Marriage Is Growing Apart.

Hi, I feel you. My husband does not travel,and we still don't get to spend enough time with each other even though he is home everyday. We have 3 toddlers and we just had to put our foot down. I am sorry, but those kids will understand. We tell ours that mommy and daddy want to spend time together, so everyone needs to go to bed, or when we go out to the eat or movies as a family and the kids want to sit between us, we say NO,and that's that. We explain to them that mommy and daddy want to sit together, and they can sit with us, when we are alone with them, and believe me, being a sAHM, I am always with them alone and they always sit with me or spend time with me. This bond that our children see between mommy and daddy is a postive one, and strengthens their belief in love and marriage in the long run. Seeing mommy and daddy wanting to spend time alone and love each other actually strengthens the whole family bond. They do love seeing mommy and daddy loving each other. Believe me, if you feel this way about your marriage, your children are defenitely feeling it too. It would be ashame for your marriage to end because of this,and your children will probably feel like it was their fault. Wich we no it is not, by any means. This is totally fixable. You can do it. As far as getting your children watched by someone, if you are not opposed to those drop ins, that sounds like a good idea. If you are, then there is nothing wrong with putting those kids to bed an hour earlier or if you have a two story house like I do, we send everyone upstairs to play, watch tv, sleep. whatever, and they eventually know not to come downstairs. When your family does decide to watch them, jump on it and take them over there. If they are an hour away, then take them over there and do your date where they live. Hope everythings goes well.

K.,

I am sorry to hear that your marriage is growing apart. Just hang in there. It is important that you express your concerns to your husband, without placing blame. That way you two can be on the same page. You two will be able to come up with ideas together.

This is what I did when I did not have a sitter, no family, etc...I enlisted help from my friends. I was new in town so did not have a lot of them. My friends and I would trade nights of "babysitting". When I wanted a night alone with my husband, I asked a friend if I could send the kids over for either a few hours or the night and when she needed time alone I would do it for her. Eventually we had a network and a list of people that we could rely upon to trade kid sitting favors: free.

Something else I did was let my kids go to a friends house to play while my hubby and I had a "romantic" dinner. (Almost anything w/o the kids at that time was romantic.) I would get all dressed up in heels and makeup and everything and surprise him when he would get home.

One last thing, ask around for a reliable babysitter. Get references. Get involved in a ladies group like Mothers of Pre-schoolers or womens bible study at your local church. Even if you do not attend church, there are trustworthy people that you can meet at a church and anyone is welcome. That is where you can start your network of friends. Also, some churches offer "mothers day out" I think there is a small fee, like $3.00 for all day, and you and your hubby can spend it together or maybe it is just you that needs alone time.

If you are military, the bases also offer a "Parents Night Out". Check with the daycare establishments, family support center or youth group. Some local daycares may also offer sitting during the evening. I think I paid about $30.00 for as many hours as I wanted.

I have used all of these methods and with success. I hope you are able to use this advice. It may strengthen your marriage and give you time to feel better about yourself. Everyone needs time w/o their kids. You cannot help the people around you unless you help yourself first: become a health individual. Your kids will always know that you love them.

I'm not sure what to do , personally I just now got someone to watch my tiny lil one so me nd the man can have a night alone.
A babysitter is all i can think of my man is home for 7 days a month. So i understand how hard stuff can be on that front. I hope you find the way , if need someone just to to or relate to just email me. Adair.Key (at) gmail.com

Hi K.,
You and me are the reasons why I opened Mommy's Freedom by the Hour. We are an hourly drop-in center. We are open late and accept children 0-12 years of age. You and your honey need time together. You have to have time just for you guys. We only charge $6.75 per hour and we offer discounts if you have multiple children. We are open until 8 pm during the week and until 11 at night on Friday and Saturday. You pay only for the amount of hours you use. Please call me or e-mail me at ###-###-#### or e-mail at ____@____.com. I would love to talk to you about what we have to offer. I have a LOT of parents who use our service and feel like different people now that they have time to be a couple again rather than just a mom and dad! Hope to hear from you soon! Good Luck!

I know that the zoo has alot of weekend programs for the age of your children and for your 5 month old they have a program for him to that you all could do together. And there are alot of Saturday Night programs around town or late daycares that you could take them to to get your few hours together. Look into the Little gym I used to work at one and they have a saturday night program. You could also just do something really sweet while he is in town with the kids. Maybe make him a picture or go to a park let the kids play while you all relax

Hi K., I am sorry to hear about your situation, and completely understand how you feel. I have three children and felt the same way for quite some time, but now my youngest is four and they are not so dependent on me and things have gotten so much better. I would highly recommend trying to find a sitter and going out every once in a while. There are many ways to locate a sitter and there are even websites just for that. I know that it is hard to leave your children, but you still need some adult time as well. Good luck!

We don't have any family to help out either. It's only been recently that I've made friends with my neighbor and we can trade babysitting. I'd suggest some moms groups to see if you can make friends and trade babysitting with them.

In the meantime, on the days he is home, put the kids to bed at a reasonable hour and then stay up late doing whatever you want - dinner, dancing, movies, games, talking, sex, etc. And since you're both home during those days one can sleep in and the other can take a nap.

We've also found short road trips (an hour or two each way) as a great time to just talk and communicate. Usually our older kids watch a dvd and the baby sleeps.

All I can Offer you is communication....Even though you are not spending alot of time with eachother...let him know you care....make him miss you while you are apart...leave him notes in his car so he can read while he is away....little things like that...some daycare centers offer late night care....as per your family members, if they are willing to take care of your kids go ahead and drive all that way...try to find somewhere where it is close to your family members house...maybe you can even ask for a sleep over...it's probably too much too soon...but you can work your way to it....For me it was me who didn't want to go out and leave the kids but my marriage was slowly drifting away and we started going out together alone and it did help alot....we've been married for 10 years and have a 9 yr old and a 4 yr....old...I hope I can help you....
M.

I have been a mother for 27 years and I am helping to raise my grandson who is 17 months old. I remember with our youngest child was 3 years old she always wanted to be up with my husband and I. So we had to work at getting her to go to bed at a set time each night. Each night was a true effort and a real toughing at my heart strings when she would cry for me. But each night my husband said no if we give in then all the other nights we worked at this will be lost. And within a couple of weeks she was used to going to bed at a set time. See we realized that couples need "their time" and even when your husband is away you need "your time." So while he is gone those 14 days I would suggest you work at getting the kids to bed at a set time each night. You know after that I never had to wake my children for school and I never had to tell them to prepare for bed, they knew and it was so good for them as they grew and for when they became adults.

I would suggest you do your best to coordinate something like this for nap time too for your two youngest children during the week when your seven year old is in school.

At least once a month you and your husband need to hire a sitter and with him being gone you can spend some time locating someone and get this set up. Look to your churches and talk to other people, check with high schools ask any of these even about responsible teens who babysit. If you are involved in a church share with other about your situation and ask if you know if anyone can or knows someone who can help you find someone to babysit your children one to two evenings a month. If all else fails run a little ad and then spend time interviewing. Even call a daycare and see if they know of anyone. Don't be afraid to share your situation. That influences people to want to help you.

The two of you need at least one date night a month if not two. And if there is a way you can write to him while he is gone (and in this particular writing do not write about the kids) and even hide notes in his suitcases do. These kinds of things add romance. Find articles about I will pray for your marriage and I hope you will too. Ask God to give you the time for each other and ask Him to give you ideas of romance and ask Him to give you the love for your husband that you may not feel. I can testify that these things do work. Good luck.

Sincerely, D.

Me and my husband kinda had the same problem, b/c I didn't want to let anyone watch my kids. I'm 27 and have a 3yr old and a 10mth old. But I understand how you feel, b/c you two do that time together. My husband will be leaving shortly to go to Kuwait. I will have all the time in the world on my hands, if you would like, we could meet. You could get to know me and I would love to watch your kids for you, so that you and your husband gets that time you need. I hate to see good marriages end. Please email me if you like ____@____.com.

it's really hard to deal with time management for quality time and family time,especially when you only get every other two weeks together. one thing that has helped me is that i make sure and give a little kiss or squeeze when we pass in the hallway. it sounds small, but just letting the other know that you want to be near then does a lot psychologically. also, planning weekend trips that can include time for both can help, like a weekend in dallas where you get two joined rooms and take the kids out to an amusement park all day and have that fun and then get candles and champagne ready for mommy and daddy when you get back to the hotel, or something similar. if you try to show him how much you want to spend time with him then he should start to do the same. remember what it was that y'all did to get each other and try to bring back some of that. any relationship has it's ups and downs and during the rougher times you just have to work extra hard to show your honey that he still is the only one you want. also, abilene is a college town, and so many of those schools are christian based. try to meet a babysitter that can give y'all a night out when you husband first gets into town and right before he goes back to work. it is okay to leave you children with someone else if it will save you marriage.

Hi K. ,
Have You ever considered swapping sitting services ?
Ia hve been looking for someto trade off with maybe once or twice a month just to have that date time . I also dont have any family near by and only one friend who will watch my kids but her husband always complains when she baby sits so I dont even ask unless its life or death . I have 2 daughters who are 3 and 2 and pretty tame usally lol . Anyway if your intrested any time just let me know .
Pam

I can tell you from experience (10 yrs married) with three kids (8,6,4) and stay at home that if you don't start "dating" your husband again, things will start to fall apart. My husband left last march and it has been hell for me. He didn't leave solely because we didn't spend time alone, there were other issues. He's coming around slowly but it's gonna take some time to heal. Think back to when you were dating.........what did you both like to do together? Since he is home a lot, it's best to do separate things otherwise, you will get bored of each other.....I speak from experience.

Go to marriage counseling. Look for a babysitter that you can pay to watch the kids for a couple of hours. Do date nights w/o kids. these are just ideas that i have. There are places out there that have Mom's Day OUt programs. I hope this helps.

You absolutely have to make your marriage a priority if you want it to last. Seek out a trusted sitter (get recommendations from a local church or your friends) and make a date night or two date nights for the time that your husband is home. It is so important to nurture one another. I know children can take a lot of your time away from one another, but making a decision together to make each other and your relationship a priority is a must. Hope this helps. I know it is easier said than done, but I know there are resources out there that you can tap in to.

do you have any close friends that could watch the kids? you really need to try and have atleast a couple of date nights while he is home... maybe have a friend with kids that can watch yours a couple of times while he is home, and you return the favor by watching hers a couple of times while he is gone?