Only Child Desperately Wants to Be a Big Sister

hi, this might be way out of your ball park, but my husband and i were foster parents that adopted all 3 of our kids. (neither of us can have kids, so that part of our story is not like yours, but,) during our training we were told that the #1 reason people do foster care is to provide companions to their own children. although i don't personally think this is the best reason to go into foster parenting, i do realize that it still does provide a benefit to both parties. a foster child gets a loving home, and your daughter (and you!) get the opportunity to love on someone else.

i agree with the post about 'not just getting pregnant' because DD wants you to, so this could possibly provide you with an opportunity to help someone else while also helping your daughter.

foster parenting IS NOT easy, so i'm not saying it would be this "joyous live in play date". but it is definitely something to consider.

if you have any other questions feel free to ask.

A.

ps my oldest daughter now 5, is always asking me if i ever get to have a baby in my tummy. i tell her that my tummy is 'broken' and that will probably not ever happen, that daddy and i have her and her brother and sister, and it's even more special because we all picked each other. she still gets so sad and i hear her pray all the time that someday God will 'fix' it and put a baby in there. (sweetie) i think sometimes children's desires for babies never really goes away.

I think little girls are just into this. My daughter insisted she wanted me to have another child. She already had a brother and wasn't all that lonely. Her friend had the cutest little baby sister and she wanted to be like her. You just have to tell her that this is your decision alone. The suggestions you have been given already are good ones. However, you have to find out exactly why she wants a sibling to realy find a suitable subsitute for her.

Hi B.,

I completely understand and respect your desires not to have anymore children, but I wanted to give you my perspective as a grown only child... Just food for thought..

My whole life I begged for a sibling (preferred a sister, but would have been thrilled with anything). I was very lonely, and envious of my cousins who had them, and were VERY close with them. There was no one to buffer my daily life with my parents (of whom I am very close). I really needed that peer interaction.

Now, at 36, with 3 kids, I wish I had a sibling. I have some trouble getting close to others (lots of friends, but I keep them at an arms length), and my children have no cousins. I always assumed that whomever I married would supply that, however, my hubby lost his older sister before I met him, and his other sister is MUCH (15 years) younger.

Just a few things that you might not have considered.

The bright light is that I am very close to my parents, and they are very close to my children.
Best of luck and God Bless!

Don't know if you are a Christian but you could explain to her that it is immoral for you to go out and get pregnant in your situation. That to fulfill her wish would be to turn a lot of other lives upside down. Try taking the subject to it's conclusion, going through all that would be requred for you to have a child just to make her feel better. This is also a great lesson to teach her that we do not get all of our desires.

My daughter did not fully realize that the world went on without her presence until she was almost 12. Children are often self centered in an innocent way. Good luck, remember you are in charge and she will grow up and focus on other things.

this struck a chord w/ me b/c my brother was 7 and was doing the same thing to my parents ..begging for a sibling..i wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him..sadly he passed away 5 years ago..
maybe you can set up some playdates w/ younger kids...if you really don't want another child pick some real bratty ones so that she's thankful not to have a sibling! i'm about to turn 44 in 6 days.. :( i have an almost 3 year old..single mom..he loves babies..i feel bad that he won't have sibs..but when i ask if he wants a baby he says no..i was thinking maybe i would foster one day or adopt. guess this isn't too helpful..maybe you can tell her ..her new cousins will be like her own siblings.

I can relate to this all too well. My 7 year old also asks constantly for a baby and has for several years. I tried, boy did I try to have a sibling for her, but we were never able to succeed. What I've told my daughter is that some mommy's are only meant to have one baby.
Get her into being the big cousin and getting ready to help her aunts. That kind of worked for us, she has 1 younger cousin, but they are 2 hours away. But, when they do see each other she's delighted to be the big helper.

N.

I'm sure this too will pass..... But, if you really want to look into volunteer options to help with this situation, I have an idea for you. How about YOU getting involved with the Big brothers/Big sisters Corporation of America? It is a wonderful organization! I did this when I was much younger and still on my own. You (the adult) can "adopt" a "little sister". Someone that maybe doesn't have as much time with her mother or maybe doesn't have a mother figure in her life. You will have to look into the details as I don't remember, but you will spend time with this little girl doing fun family things, and you can get very involved with her life. (It won't be a BABY though, not sure if that will solve your daughter's problem! I can't remember the starting age.) This could be your daughter's dream come true! To have a little sister at least some of the time. It will require much of YOUR time as well as background checks, etc so you have to be willing to put that in but it could be a win-win for everyone involved!

Hi B.,
My son is 6 and an only child. And luckily he says he doesn't want any siblings - he doesn't want to share my attention. You don't say if you have any pets but if you don't a pet may be the perfect companion for your daughter. We have 2 cats who my son calls "his sisters". Our friends have an only child and they just got a dog for him and say he loves having someone other than his parents to play with at home. My son happens to be friends with a few other only children so they are like each other's brothers. I'm sure your daughter will have best friends soon who will be like sisters to her.

I also think the big cousin babysitting idea is great. My cousins are like my sisters and brothers and I make sure my son gets plenty of play time with his cousins.

You can also explain to your daughter that having a baby is not right for your situation (without going into too much detail). She is old enough to understand that.

I hope this helps! Good luck!

I'm an only child and like Lisa U. I feel a bit alone because of it (I'm 38). It often seemed like anyone I felt close to (cousin, friend) was actually closer to their sibling(s), so I ended up feeling like everyones' 3rd best friend. Now I've gone and had a son to alleviate the feeling of not having any family, and what do I have? A son who seems to be experiencing the same loneliness I felt. I'm trying to get my life in order financially to foster/adopt or at least have an extensive network of family friends for us to spend time with during holidays. Another point, I notice my son isn't as saavy, socially, as his friends who have siblings. Just emphasize friendships over having several acquaintances, it's pretty cool as an adult to have friends whom you've known since kindergarten. I've pointed out to my son that when he grows up he'll be able to say he's known many friends since he was only five and he's played the piano and taken karate since he was five! We also have the photos and scrapbooks to show how important it all is.
Quality of life! If you had a baby you would have to take care of it 24/7, rather than those meaningful visits your daughter can have with her cousins for manageable amounts of time.
I guess I have very mixed feelings about it, or rather, I think we can all choose to make the best of what we have and your daughter will do the same with your guidance.

Been there. My daughter is now 16, but when she was your daughter's age she did the same thing. Here is the fact: She got over it. Now she is so into her friends and her school and her activities such that a younger sibling would be an afterthought. Granted, she did feel a need to volunteer as the assistant coach to a little girls' soccer team, but even that sometimes gets in the way of her lifestyle these days. Believe me, the years fly by and your daughter will grow out of this.

The only thing I can suggest is talk to your sisters and let your daughter spend the night a couple times to get the baby thing out of her system. That could also backfire on you however. On the other hand (how many hands do we have here?) you could have her help your sisters out and explain to her that her job (instead of being a sister) is to be a good role model for her cousins and helper for her aunties! I really hope this makes sense because I am exhausted! My niece wanted to be an older sister but now at 15, that ain't happening. She is my two daughters absolute HERO! I have never seen anything like it. Good luck but if you would like to talk about it (when I have a clear head) please feel free to message me :)

Have a great night!

~V.

Hi B.,
I just had my 3rd baby in August and I can't tell you how much young girls like your daughter come up and start talking to my baby and asking me questions about the baby at the store, target, ect. I think some girls are just born natural mothers, and it seems like your daughter is one of them ! I think the big cousin idea is great for her and possibly having her babysit for your sister(s) , with you there of course. My neighbors daughter is 7 and sometimes I ask her to "Babysit" my 3 year old and baby while I go pick up my 9 year old ( which only takes about 5 minutes max). Her mom and her stay at my house and I give her usually 50 cents or a dollar. She feels so big and goes around telling her moms friends that she babysits and gets paid. Maybe you and your daughter could do that for your sister(s) so she could go get a pedicure, or just get out for a bit! Good luck!

I second the idea of getting her excited about being a "big cousin". She could have a lot of fun in that role.

You might try to explore where this is coming from -- do her friends have a new baby in their house? And maybe figure out where she got the idea of "being alone" -- that doesn't sound like a 7 year old, that sounds like an adult.

Because of fertility issues, we have only one child. You can emphasize for her that she gets ALL your time -- if there was another kids, she'd have to share! Also, if there are "fun" things you two do, (I'm thinking like Disney), somehow pointing out that those are things that financially might not be possible with a baby.

I think you can also introduce the idea of "family" being more than just who lives in your house. I have a younger sister (5 years), but we've never really gotten along, and now she lives halfway around the world. However, I do have some wonderful friends that I think of as sisters.

One other thought -- how about a pet?

B., depending on how close your sisters live, you could tell your daughter she is going to be a big cousin. Talk it up, how much fun it will be. You'll have to have support from your sisters, but I'm sure they will join in. I do have two daughters, so maybe I'm not the one to give ideas, but I will tell you that until my oldest daughter was 6, she didn't have friends, she only had her cousins. We all bought our houses on the same street. We were each others neighbors and it was fantastic. Now all the girls are grown (5 total, my 2 plus their 3 cousins) and are extremely close. All love each other like sisters. Perhaps you can promote the "big cousin" idea to your daughter.

Now, I'm also a big fan of 2 children. Personally, two is better than one just so one is not lonely and is not alone when parents begin to age. However, I'm not a fan of pushin my ideas on others, just throwing a thought out there.

Whatever you do, I wish you the best of luck. If you are determined no sibling for your daughter, then promote the heck out of cousins!