Need Help! Husband Wants a separation.....Need Advice!

Hi B.,

My heart goes out to you and your family. Marriage is tough enough when you're in love with your spouse and there isn't any children yet. So adding in all the stresses that you have mentioned, it can seem impossible. You mentioned prayer, so I'm going to assume that you believe in the power of praying to Our Heavenly Father and in the name of Jesus. I've been reading Power of a Praying Wife again this month. There's a lot of wisdom in that book from a Christian woman who was married over 25 years when she wrote it. One of the biggest lessons I've learned while reading it is that those times when it seems like talking to your husband is futile are the times when you need to submit it all to God.

My husband and I have had it pretty rough. We got married after being together for 7 years. We weren't in a church at the time we married. That first year of marriage was so wonderful and difficult. A lot of the stress was centered around me not being able to find a job for what I studied in college, and him getting stressed out about the finances. A friend of ours brought us back to church, and we have been doing so much better ever since. Our priorities have fallen into their proper places. Life isn't about climbing that corporate ladder or about financial success. We were put here to get ready for our eternal lives. So much stress has fallen by the wayside when we look at it that way. Now our vision is united, and we are closer than ever before. We still have fights, but I've been learning to pray to God instead of beating a dead horse. It has worked miracles in our marriage!

One note, though. Sometimes, God wants to change us first! Even though we believe that our husbands are the ones that need to change, we gotta realize that there may be areas that need fixing in ourselves. That's ok. Our husbands will most likely notice a change in us.

I believe that if you pray everyday for your marriage, and if you have other women joining you in those prayers, that your marriage could be saved. If you don't have the book The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian, I suggest you get it. I'll even buy it for you if you let me. The book gives you an area to pray over your husband for each of the 30 chapters. I'll be praying for your marriage. If you want, I can become an "official" prayer partner with you. Just let me know. I'm here for you.

In His Love,
M.

Hi, B.,

I have two babies, aged 21 months and 7 months, and am experiencing marital difficulties with my husband, who also refuses to participate in marriage counseling or workshop, read relationship books, etc. I'm sorry that I cannot recommend a particular psychologist in the area. (My sister is a great psychologist, but she's in San Diego, and she's my sister, so she can't formally cousel me.) My sister recommended interviewing a few mental health professionals since no one therapist fits all clients. She recommended an excellent book that is based on sound research but extremely practical and enjoyable to read. It's John Gottman's, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. As a psychology student and a member of a family of avid self-help book readers, I have read many books on relationships. John Gottman's is my favorite by far.

Most controllers I know make a fairly hefty salary. As a former financial analyst, I wonder how you got into debt. (This is not an accusation, just a thought for self-analysis for you and your husband.) This is probably a good time to analyze your financial situation carefully and try to improve your financial outlook as much as you can.

Regarding divorce, one thing I have observed in divorces of friends is that oftentimes the woman has not asked for a reasonable amount of child support. If you haven't already, prepare a spreadsheet showing expenses for maintaining a household for two children from birth to age of majority. Also, try to avoid getting into the "blame game." You may have all the (best) reasons in the world for blaming your spouse, but who caused the problems in the marriage is not the issue here. Instead, focus on facts, requisite amounts of money to survive comfortably, custody arrangements, etc.

You sound like a reasonable, thoughtful person, so I think that you will make the best decision possible.

Good luck,
Lynne E

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Many times the strain of family life and raising kids separate us from our spouses. In many cases the men in our life just want attention from us and some quality intimate time, and I know it can be overwhelming with cleaning the house, taking care of the kids, and all our responsibilities. I went through a similar situation with my husband but my case was a little different. I was not comfortable with my husbands drinking, and my children were one and two when we separated and it was very difficult. My kids were going through emotional strain, and it was very difficult. All in all what I realized that if I was okay the kids were going to be okay. They feed off our emotions I started to get help for me. I started going to support group meetings like alanon or divorce support groups, and it gave me hope that other people were walking through the same thing I was, and they were happy and surviving. If you are okay, those kids will be okay too. Start getting help for you, and try not to obsess over your husband. Remember you did not cause it, you can't cure it, and you cant control it. Whatever he is going through is really out of your hands, and you need take care of yourself emotionally, and above all pray. That will give you the strength to survive. Wishing you strength, love,and serenity,

E.

I separated from my ex 2 years ago after years of trying to make it work. I was fortunate that I had time to prepare and a lot of good people around me to help.

You are right to try to protect yourself and the kids first. That doesn't mean you have give up hope, but it is always wise to prepare for the worst case scenario.

Take care of yourself first and foremost. The kids will need you more than ever, and they will sense your stress and fatigue. Get a good counselor who can help you with your emotional stress. Go often and regularly no matter what. The support and guidance you receive will be invaluable.

I have been seeing a wonderful therapist in Hermosa Beach for the last 4 years. Her name is Jeri Bell, and she runs a non-profit foundation called Friends of the Family. They charge on a sliding scale, and do marriage counseling, family counseling, individual and children. My son is seeing one of her children's therapists, whom he just loves. Her phone # is ###-###-####. I would suggest at least setting up an appointment for yourself, and then the kids and hubby later. Having a good therapist is almost a prerequisite to getting through this kind of thing in decent shape.

Secondly, do get a good lawyer. Most lawyers will give you a free 30 minute consultation. I would advise you to talk to at least three and find one you trust and feel good about. My lawyer's name is Neil Olsen. He's not a divorce lawyer per se, but he has been a wonderful advocate for my son and I. His number is ###-###-####. He's on Torrance Blvd. just E of Crenshaw. He and his staff are just wonderful.

If you think things are definitely headed for divorce, I would strongly encourage you to file first. It does give you a little more power in court. Also, not signing his papers does nothing to stop the divorce. All it does is slow things down and cause a lot more pain and cost a lot more money. I really would caution against doing that.

As for the kids.... I would caution against saying too much yet. If you do separate, just let them know that Mommy and Daddy needed some time apart to become better mommies and daddies. Leave it at that. Don't mention divorce or daddy going away (especially at such a young age). If they seem to be upset or act out, then take them to see a child therapist. Honestly though, as long as you are calm, loving and supportive, they may get through this with a minimal amount of stress. My son didn't get upset until his Dad got engaged and moved in with his fiancee, and that was more because of the suddenness of it and the fact that my ex then reduced his visitation from 3 weekends to 2 weekends a month.
He is now doing quite well, and seems happy in both places.

All in all, just take it one day at a time. Use your own best judgement as to what is best for you and your family, and try to stay positive no matter what happens.

I know it seems scary, but you WILL be OK!

Feel free to email me if you ever want to chat (____@____.com)

Hi B.,

I hope you can work things out with your husband. I haven't had to go through a divorce myself but a co-worker of mine has and she lives in the same area. I believe the lawyer she used is near the Del Amo mall. Shiela Naghi ###-###-#### 21515 Hawthorne Blvd Torrance CA 90503.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
~J.

I speak from experience. Pray. Pray. Pray some more--without ceasing. Sometimes we try to talk and plead our case with them but whatever your husband is feeling, he's rationalized that separation is the solution. Our talking sometimes makes it worse. Get yourself into a bible-teaching church. Sometimes we put a lot into counseling but you both have to be willing to receive whatever the counseling is going to give. Get yourself into church and receive whatever message God is giving to you. That will help you to take care of yourself and your boys. Look at this situation as a test. That's all that it is. Marriage is hard work. What you are going through is not new. Speak to any married couple of twenty years or more. Don't think about divorce, period. You're jumping the gun. Separation happens. It isn't the end of the world and it isn't permanent. This is just a test. Have faith and pray. Try hard not to worry and stress out. I know I was in your shoes a year ago. Thought my world would end. It's a slow process but things are much, much better now for us. God bless you.

Hello B.,

You can't make someone LOVE YOU. If he will not go to counseling then what can you do? Tell him how you feel once and for all, then let him make his decision. Do not beg him or cry. If he moves out, take this time to work on you, inside and out. Be stronge for you and the boys. He will have a change of heart when he sees that you can carry on without him. If he doesn't come back, then you will be strong anyway. If he does, and he will, go to counseling before you let him move back in. The key is to be strong. Find a hobby to occupy your free time.

I do know that if you separate, the odds of a divorce go up significantly so keep fighting it. However, I really recommend that you change and start treating him like you adore him and do everything you can to show your appreciation and love for him. Tell him and show him how much you appreciate him. You can't change him only yourself and if you do, there is a chance he will change. And lastly, get your finances together. Financial stress is a killer. Stop spending. Get your past-due bills paid off.

Good luck.

###-###-#### Allie Best therapist I've ever known.
P.S.
Unless he is abusive, cheating or into heavy drugs and/or alcohol, DON"T DO IT!! The kids need you together. I suggest you get and read and implement THe Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura. I hear it has helped A LOT of people in your situation. Gotta run!!

B.,
First let me say that my heart goes out to you. It seems that your marriage has ended before it has had the chance to get started. I admire your fight in wanting to save your marriage and rightfully so but no matter how much we love someone we can't make them love us in return, that has to come willingly. It appears as though your husband isn't fighting for you and your family and that is really sad. So in answer to your questions 1) I don't think that there is nothing you can be prepared for legally, per say but I always say, prepare for the worse case scenario. So that if he tries to sue for sole custody or other issues with the finances you will be prepared and it won't hit you as hard. But I don't believe you will know his game plan until it is revealed if or when he serves you. You can always file first,beat him to the punch but I know that isn't what you want. 2)Legal counsel will not be a problem for you--your in California, and your the wife, lawyers will be knocking down your door to take your case. 3)South Bay Mental Health has good mental health practictioners from LCSW to Psychologist, RN, Case managers and mental health specialist. Also, you can always call your insurance provider and get a list of referrals. 4)Thankfully, your kids are really young and it is possible that the effects of the divorce won't be so devastating. However, it is always better to have talks about mommy and daddy not living together anymore in a way that the child can understand. My children were very young when me and my husband separated then divorced. They were school aged and I was able to talk with them openly (with their father) about our living situation. We assured the kids that we loved them and that they would continue to have the same life just that daddy would live somewhere different but he would still take them to school, etc. etc.
I hope this helps. I am a social worker myself and these types of issues can be very emotionally stressful. #1 is to take care of YOU! so that you can take care of your children and to be strong enough to deal with the changes happening in your life. I hope things work out for you and your husband and I hope that he has a change of heart. Take care.
M.

Hi, all I can tell you is to stay strong for you and your boy's, about 4 months ago my husband abandoned me and my boy's so I totaly know how you feel it's very depressing and exhausting. I have a 15year old and a 10 year old and it's been really tough on all of us but trust me it gets harder before it gets easier. pray alot and try your best to do things with your little ones keep your self busy.
Good luck and I wish you and your family the best!

Great counselor, Lee Ann Hart ###-###-####

I would say separate while the kids are young because it gets so much harder when there older and chances are if your husbands un-happy now he'll be un-happy later especially if he's not showing any signs of trying to work it out and IT has NOTHING to do with YOU ,I would focus on those boys of yours they will follow your lead so try to stay possitive ! take care lots of love, A. ,mom of two boys.

B.,

I wish you the best and a lot of light in your way. I separate from my boyfrien a year ago, we weren't married but I felt like my world was crumbling, right now I can tell you that you can overcome the situation after a year I feel stronger and capable of raising my daughter by myself.
So give your 100% try to save it and try to remember why did you marry him, refresh the love, be sexy, sned to kids to grandma or a nanny during a night so you can have a date with your husband, have fun together with no background noise!
Hope everything gets solve.
My best, Vicky

Pray for the correct answers/guidne & for the protection of you & your children.