Need Advice on Weaning

J., Have you been in contact with a La Leche League leader? I go to the Evanston meeting, there's a Wilmette and a Lincoln Park meeting, too. Leaders are available via phone & are helpful & friendly! There is also a LLL yahoo group which has a cool group of moms online. Or try the excellent www.kellymom.com, a wealth of great info there. 20 months! Awesome!

take care--D.

The best thing you could do is to always wear clothes he cannot undo and let him cry or have a fit, if he will. Tell him there will be no more nursing and I'll bet he'll feign not understanding, but he will understand. Also, he is aware of your stressful feelings and one of the things he needs to learn, (and this begins now, though many people never learn it) is to be aware of other's feelings. Don't let him make the conclusion that his feelings are paramount. When looking for a daycare situation, those with more experience who have learned to deal with separations from M. will be best. A young neighbor might not be able to handle the crying, but those of us who have seen it a hundred times know it will pass. She should be firm but warm not judgmental and educated in child development. The State of Illinois now requires 15 hours of training per year for home day care workers to remain licensed. Group situations are less familiar to me (I'm a licensed home day care provider) though it probably boils down to the actual caretakers involved, some will be adequate, some wonderful, some unacceptable. Also, in a group of children, look to what the other children's behavior is like. Rely upon your intuition. Do the other kids act like you and your siblings did, do they feel like your sort of people? Your child will pick up behavior from the group and that will be a mixed bag, but ultimately I believe kids today growing up in group situations are much benefitted by the life lessons they learn being with other kids and by the enlightened care they are given by trained professionals. One good piece of advice is to choose someone who you feel comfortable talking to. Your little guy is going to have to do a little crying and it will not hurt him.

Congratulations on making it this far with breastfeeding!!!
I slowly weaned my son for about 6 months, eliminating feedings one by one, so it was a slow, natural process. I would distract him with other things when he asked to breastfeed, have my husband put him to bed instead of me, tell him the milk was all gone, etc. He finally completely weaned when he was about 2.5 years old, and did it totally on his own - he just stopped asking! He went about a week, and then nursed once, then went about 3 weeks, and by then my supply was gone when he asked. I know it can get frustrating, but if there is any way for you to take the slow route, I would really recommend it. It made it easy for BOTH of us - no pain, no sadness (except that I get a lot less cuddle time now!) and I feel really good about the way it worked out. Good luck!!!

Try to distract with other things he likes.

Most primates feed their young til 5/6. And given most women in our culture BF for only a few months if at all...

I say KUDOS to you!

Read Dr. Sears...has some gReaT sections on weaning.

be well.

Hi J.,

I can completely understand! It's very tough to wean the extended nursing children. My daughter was so hard that I didn't wean her till she was 2.5 yrs old. Baically it comes down to the fact that it's going to be hard and you will probably not get very much sleep for a couple of days. When my daughter turned two I started to actively wean her. Before then I kept hoping that she would self wean. Some children won't so you need to cut them off. Sorry! I know it's hard because they get so much comfort from it but it needs to be done. Two years nursing is recommended length of time for WHO so he's coming close to the end anyway.

I started by cutting off all outside feedings. Then one feeding out of the remaining - upon waking, before nap or bedtime. The morning was the easiest. Rather than nurse her I would come into her room with some of her favorite food instead and we would have a little picnic after I changed her. She was determined to get the milk first but when I told her it was one or the other she still asked for mommys milk. Instead I gave her a bite of the food and once she got started she seemed to forget about it and continue eating.

Next I attempted to drop naptime feeding. She was waking at night up till she was about 21m then stopped for a while which eliminated that one. But around 2 she started waking up again and if she woke at night the only way I could get her down was to nurse. My peditrician suggested when she was 26m that she might not need the nap any longer which is why she is waking at night so I eliminated the nap which eliminated the naptime feeding. A real bummer since once she fell asleep she usually gave me 2hrs. Once I eliminated the nap it usually eliminated the night time wakening which left me with the last feeding - before bed. I did all this gradually since she was so attached and I also noticed that her behavior started to get more obnoxious. More like an ordinary 2yr old. Now that she's weaned the bad behavior - for her since she was pretty placid escalated. So prepare yourself. You're taking your childs pacifier away. My daughter never liked pacifiers either. She wanted the real deal and all the extra attention and touching that comes along with it. Prepare yourself for it but your child needs to become an independent person and you are doing the right thing even though when she's crying and looking heart broken it may seem like the wrong thing.

Ok, last feeding was the toughest and took the longest. First I went and bought her a really nice toy and said that this toy will be instead of the feeding. That didn't work she was hysterical and I gave in. Next, I bought her some really pretty pacifiers and a really fuzzy blanket and said she can snuggle with these instead. She was first enamored with the pacifier but when it came down to it she end up throwing it across the room. Screamming hysterically and I gave in. The last time I went and bought her a snuggle bug animal for her to whisper to and cuddle with at night. Like the bunny in Velvet Rabbit and that seemed to click with her. She still screammed but it wasn't so hard and she fell asleep after about 10m(if that) which I could stand. I also took her some where special that day so she could get a lot of running around in out doors so she was exhausted. I kept reading to her stories and bought some song books. Music seems to calm her and put her to sleep at times. It made the bedtime routine harder and I had to slowly bring that back down. I'm still working on that actually. One of these days I'm hoping that I can tuck her in and be able to leave but I still lay down on her big bed with her and sing with her till she falls asleep.

She still talks about mommy's milk and says she misses it three months after she's been weaned but it gets less and less over time. I try and sit down and cuddle with her some time during the day to make up for it.

About the clinging, I'd take him to one of those Kid's Day Out programs at the church. They're a wonderful way to slowly introduce your child to preschool or daycare. They're nonprofit so that the true spirit of making it a fun place for the children to come being the driving focus.

Good luck!!

Congrats on breastfeeding him for this long! I weaned my son at around this age, and the thing that worked the best for us was a change in routine. So if he normally nurses before bedtime, for example, try switching it up so that you nurse him before his bath, then read a book and then have your husband put him down to bed. If you can find him a favorite snack (my son LOVES chocolate milk - and by "chocolate" I mean that he sees me put around 1/2 tsp of the nesquick into his sippy cup and thinks that's chocolate milk) you can offer it to him instead. (The other treat he likes is "bubble juice" - about 1/4 juice and 3/4 seltzer water).

Especially when we were out of the house I started to tell my son "no, you don't need good milk right now. Let's get some XXX to eat/drink". Keep him busy and he'll soon find that he has better things to do than nurse. I know how you feel about weaning - around 20 months (and 6 months pregnant) I was DONE with nursing.

As for the clingy/daycare thing, you just need to find one you trust and give it about 3 weeks. He will get used to it, I promise. I would look for one either near your home or near your work - whichever makes more sense for you.

Hi J. T,

I also live in Elk Grove Village and struggled 6 years ago to find good daycare for my 3 year old twins. I did a ton of research. The best daycare is part of Alexian Brothers Hospital. It's on Biesterfield accross from the hospital behind the physical rehab and cartiac buildings. The staff there has longevity, they are accomodating and I always felt safe. My son had juvenile diabetes and the daycare staff even cared for his needs. I highly recommend them. We still go there for summer camp. The number is 1-###-###-#### X5929. Good luck and don't worry when he cries, he'll stop shortly after you leave the daycare room and you are always welcome back in to do a surprise visit.

LK

I've seen some good advice. But I echo another mom who said to try your local La Leche League group. You can find them by going to the website. I don't know where you life, but I go to one in Lombard (there are two), and I know there is one in Naperville as well. Even if there is not a meeting soon enough for you, the leaders will gladly help over the phone. But the meetings are helpful because there are other moms as well as the leaders (who are moms too). I couldn't have breastfed so long without them. We are now at 18 months with only one feeding left to cut out. Good luck!

J.,
Congrats on making it this far with breast feeding. I just weaned my 20 month old about 2 months ago.

I just started cutting back and we got it down to nursing only before naptime and night (and morning) . . .and slowly cut back. My son also was aggressive about it when we were in public.

I offered cups more and more and kept telling him that "mommy's milk was all gone." When he would ask to nurse, I would offer him a cup with the milk that he drinks. We said "mama's milk is all gone" A LOT!

I wish I had more advice. I know how arduous and emotional it can be. Kellymom.com probably has some good advice too.
B.

About the daycare

Something you can do to help ease the 'morning goodbye' is to have a consistent but concise dropoff routine in the morning. Give a hug and a kiss with a promise that you'll return at the end of the day, then hand him off. He will probably cry, but it is highly likely that within moments of your leaving he will be playing with toys, exploring the place, and having fun. Our son (now 16 months) used to go through a minor meltdown in the morning when we dropped him off, but I would watch through the window and literally within 2 minutes he had completely calmed down and was playing. One of the worst things you can do is prolong or drag out the exit - it will only make the whole situation more dramatic and tense for the child. If you're struggling with this, just ask the teachers at daycare what techniques they have used - they will tell you that almost every child goes through the clingy/crying stage.

As far as referrals for daycare, where are you located? You can always search www.naeyc.org - the National Association for the Education of Young Children. Only about 10% of centers nationwide receive the NAEYC accreditation as they have very strict standards. Many people consider these to be the cream of the crop, but there are also centers that are great that have not received the honor. The best thing to do for daycare is to show up unannounced for a visit with the director and tour of the facility - that way they're not putting on the 'dog and pony show' and you get to see the center in full swing. The best times to go would be around 10:00 (after morning snack but before lunch) or 3:00 (many daycare kids are sleeping anywhere between 12:00 - 3:00). You want to see how the staff are reacting and interacting with the children.

Good luck to you!

My son was also very invested in breastfeeding. I had times when it bothered me and then the wave would pass and I would be fine again. We weaned together at 3.5 years. What I mean together is it was respectful to both our needs. I think it is going to be a double whammy for your son to have one of the most important and comforting things in his life taken away at the same time as starting something so new like daycare. My suggestion would be to WAIT until he is adjusted to daycare, then wean him. That way it won't be double stress for your little one. It may feel aggravating to you now, but think about how little time you are actually take out of your life in relation to how fast the time goes by. It's really only a small portion of time.

Good luck!

I was reading back on the responses and Susan made a comment about the WHO recommending until 2, and then she cut her kid off because they made the recommended time. Kudos for her for going that long, but I wanted to clarify that you don't have to wean at that age, there is no "cutoff" age recommended. The recommended age is a miminum age, no reputable organization is going to tell you when to stop or that there are no benefits past a certain age.

J.- Congrats on breastfeeding this far!! That's wonderful. I don't have any advice, my twins are 8 months old & I'm hoping to wean them at a year. I wish you the best of luck!

I didn't nurse my daughter that long, so I cannot give much advice on the weaning, but I can recommend a great daycare. My 2 1/2 year old daughter goes to Minee Subee in Arlington Heights and they're fantastic. They have a few suburban locations depending on where you are, and a website www.mineesubee.com. My daughter has thrived there, they are very accomodating and the teachers are great.
Good luck!