I am sorry that this is so long, but I have a huge problem. My husband and I are looking to move. We are having a very hard time financially and cannot afford the rent on the place we are living now. Currently we live in a four bedroom house which fits us perfectly. I have a seven-year-old daughter and a five-year-old son who each have their own bedroom and we use the spare bedroom as my office because I work from home. We are less than two miles from their school and very close to freeway access for my husband to go to work. Almost everything about where we live now is perfect, except that if we keep paying the amount of rent we have been, we will end up worse off than we are now.
We have been given a couple of options, and this is where I need advice.
We went and spoke with a financial counselor at the bank. She has given us a plan that will work, but we need to reduce our housing costs to less than $800 a month.
So our first option:
Move into my mother-in-law's (Debbie) house. Now, we would be living in her basement, where there are approximately three bedrooms that we could use. There is a LOT of work that would need to be done down there before we could move. We would also have to get a storage unit. Right now, Debbie, her mother (Barbara), and my sister-in-law (Jessica)live there. If we move in, there will be SEVEN people in that house, and only one bathroom. My husband has said that he will install a bathroom in the basement for us, but that is expensive and could take months. Debbie has agreed to let us install the bathroom in place of paying rent for a while, and afterwards we would pay her $300 a month and help out with utilities. I really don't want to live there. I don't like not having my own personal space and Debbie babysits my nephews and neice a lot, until really late at night, and the house can be very loud. I would not be able to work there and would have to go to the center every day for my shift, which is about 13 miles each way. But, if we do live there, we will be under the $800 suggested payment, and will be able to move out and get our own place (maybe even BUY a house) a lot sooner. And not wanting to live there might motivate me to get out faster.
Our second option:
My friend from high school (Rob) rents houses. He called me the same day we first started talking about moving in to Debbies house. I hadn't talked to him on the phone in years, so I am a little surprised that he still had my number and that he would call me that same day. (I am wondering if maybe it's a sign?) Anyway, he has a house that he would rent to us for $750 a month. It's three bedrooms, one bathroom, and would be only us. It's a lot smaller than what we are in now, so we would still have to put some stuff in storage or just sell it or give it to the D.I. He said that all utilities are paid and that he does the yardwork.
I have found a lot more con's with living at Debbi's house than pro's. My husband has an umbillical cord issue that we almost have under control, but if we move in with her, I am scared that all of the progress we have made will be wasted. Regardless of where we live, I am not taking the kids out of the school they are in right now. So either place would be about a five to six mile drive. With either place, my husband would be about five miles closer to work, but it would still take him just as long, if not longer, to get there because there is no immediate freeway access.
Help? I am so stressed right now that I think I'm going crazy!!
Don't move in with the in-laws! Too many issues can come up. Go for your own home when ever possible. You could also consider buying a home wth a Mother-in-law apt in the basement, that way you could rent it out and that would help pay down the monthly mortgage payment.
It seems pretty clear to me that you know what you want to do. I think it is important to be honest with yourself about what bounderies you need to maintain for your family, your sanity, your marraige, your kids. Sometimes it's worth it to pay more for those reasons as long as it is within your budget, and it sounds like it is. I know what you mean about the umbilical cord issues! My husband has to be kept in check too. He is doing a lot better than the rest of his siblings and I take credit for that! But that is one reason I vowed NEVER to move in with my in-laws. I know that sometimes it is necesary though. My brother and his 4 kids are living in his in-laws' basement right now. It is really h*** o* them but they committed to be positive about the situation while they are in it. Anyway, good luck! I don't think you can go WRONG really. You just have to weigh it out and then once the decision in made, only look forward and be positive about it. Take a deep breath and bo grateful that you DO have options. You'll get through it and be OK.
Okay C., this is going to be long, but bare with me. My name is B. and I want to help. I'm not going to tell you 'what' to do, I'm merely going to help you make the decision for yourself and your family. Here is what I want you to do: You need to be able to commit to a full hour of total silence. When you have that time, go someplace quite, where you can be alone. Light some Lilac & Chammoile candles. No music. If you're in your bedroom, lie down on your bed, lying straight. Cross your ankles. Now cross your wrists, one on top of the other, and claps your hands together, intertwinning your fingers. See that V you just made with your arms? I want you to fold your hands, still clasped together, down under and through that V. So you'll be bringing your hands down toward your stomach and follow up to your chest. Now let your hands rest on your chest. Take some deep breaths. In slowly, through your nose, and even slower out your mouth. Keep breathing. Close your eyes. Empty your mind. Don't think. Just keep breathing. Slowly. Let yourself go. Let go of all your stress. Let go of your situation. Empty your thoughts. You need to get your heart rate down to a steady pulse. Breathe in and out. Don't focus on anything except your breathing. Letting go of everything. If you start to cry, that's fine. It's just releasing your stress. If you fall asleep, that's okay too. Most answers will come when you're in a deep sleep anyway. Slowly breathe in through your nose, and slowly out your mouth. Letting go. You may start to feel like you're floating, don't panic. It's normal. You're fine. Just relax. Slow down your heart rate. Keep concentrating on only your breathing and nothing else. After you do this for about an hour, I want you to sit up, and re-inhabit your body. What you've just done is called, "Hook ups." You've allowed for your spirit and your physical body to release and acknowledge each other. Still, without thinking, grab a pen and a notepaper. Start writing down all the positives in your life. Nevermind about what's going on around your life, but only write about what makes you happy. Don't write even the slighest bit of negativity or you'll ruin all that you just accomplished. At the end of your list, which should not include anything that has to do with your situation, I want you to write in large letters, "Light & Love." Now, let your hand automatically write down which road you'll take. Will it be Road #1 or Road #2? But, don't think about it! Let your hand just write it out. Close your eyes and let your hand finish writing. When you're done, accept what you've written. If you go against it, you're going against what your spirit is telling you to do. Times will be even harder if you go against the decision. Just acknowledge that whatever the answer is, things will always work out for the best. No matter the path you take. There is always reason for everything. You just won't know, until you do it. How are you feeling? Let me know how things work out for you. Remember- kick out the negativity from your life and your mind and only concentrate on the positives! Life will go much more smoothly for you when you do. If you have any more questions or just want to chat, feel free to contact me. ____@____.com This will work, but you have to commit to it and go with whatever answer you're given. Acceptance is key. I give my Light & Love to you, hun. Take care.
Wow, that's not a fun situation! I have to say however, that as a mom of two, and a daughter who has let her parents move into their basement permanently, I would definitely try to stay on your own. Living with family is a big strain and it sounds like you have alot of things going on that could make it much worse. Even if this rental house is much smaller, it can't be worse than living in your mother-in-law's basement and you still keep your sense of independence. I also think it might be harder on your kids to have them live with close relatives and have the cousins to play with daily, then later get yanked away when you will eventually have to move for sanity's sake! The drive for your husband stays the same either way, and you can still work from home even if its just a desk in a corner for awhile. Meanwhile try to cut back on expenses once the holidays are over and save, save, save so you can eventually buy a house of your own. Some advice on the rental....get the details in writing even though you are friends with the guy. You don't want to end up fighting with him about paying those utilities or having to buy a lawnmower because he flakes on the yard next summer! Having everything in writing just makes it easier for everyone to understand what is expected of them. Go for the rental...and Good Luck!
You didn't mention what your husband thinks. And what do your children think? It'll be a change for them and they should at least be asked about it. A bathroom takes a lot of money to install (not to mention the time and mess) and it depends on how handy your husband is - can he get it done quickly or it will it take several months? On the other hand, you may be able to save a lot of money by living with your MIL. Have you figured out how much you'll save (minus the cost of installing a bathroom) and be able to get out on your own? If you think you can handle the stress and limited personal space for that amount of time, maybe your MIL home is the way to go. Will you feel guilty paying $750 a month? (Just playing "Devil's Advocate" here.)
Sounds to me like you've already made your decision - get your own place. Every person I have ever known who has lived with their family (theirs or their spouses) and had to share a lot of space (including bathrooms and kitchens) has hated every minute of it and moved out a lot sooner than they planned, despite the fact that they would be paying more money to live elsewhere. (I know I couldn't live with my family or in-laws for any significant amount of time.) It sounds to me like your friend called at the perfect moment - I think it's a sign.
You answered your own question when you said there are more con's than pro's to living with his mother. Take the cheap rent from your friend, it was a sign! There is nothing thats worth your privacy, sanity or family time. Even FREE Rent is not worth losing some things. I have lived with people and had people live with me it's hard and it takes sacrifices on both sides. Good Luck!
In-laws are hard. If you think you can handle the smaller place, I would go with that. It should always be the best for your own family. Especially with the mother/son issues.
In my opinion, Debbie's house sounds like more of a nightmare than the situation you are in now! Do whatever you can to have your own place as a family within your budget. The $750/month sounds great. You will only have $50/month to save towards your future home unless you can work extra hours.But you will be living like a family on your own. I think it is much healthier, particularly for your husband.
