My Son Is Depressed

First off, it's wonderful that your son is so creative and disciplined. And it is even more wonderful that he can share his feelings with you. You have no idea how many kids could not have said that. And there are far too many parents who are grieving today, who wish their kids would have told them how depressed they were so that they could have gotten them some help in time.

I've written extensively about my daughter here. She's 25 and along with several other problems she suffers from depression and anxiety. A couple of years ago she attempted to end her life. So I feel qualified to comment to you.

Let's start at the beginning. Depression is not the same as being miserable about a relationship breakup, or about failing at school or getting fired from a job, or about life in general just going badly. That kind of misery can be helped with some lifestyle changes or by getting a new job, etc.

But depression in the way you're describing it is like, say, diabetes. It's not directly related to one's home situation, job/school, friends, finances, etc. It's a disease. It's medical. If your son developed diabetes you wouldn't blame yourself. You'd get him to a doctor. A person can suffer from depression even under the most ideal circumstances - there's plenty of money, they are physically attractive, they have the latest car/phone/computer, they have friends and a comfortable place to live, and a family. Yet, they're depressed and see no point in living. It's a disease.

An all natural therapist is one tool in the depression toolkit, but it's often not enough. Your son can follow a vegan lifestyle but still may need an actual medication. It doesn't have to be life-long. Your son should see a psychiatrist (who is a medical doctor and who can prescribe medications along with providing counseling), and soon. A psychiatrist will evaluate him and perhaps put him on a short course of meds, or maybe he needs something for a longer term.

You also might consider getting your son a physical checkup that includes complete blood work. Now, this is not an all-inclusive statement about being a vegan, but some people who are trying to follow a vegan or other restricted diet do not have the nutritional support that they need. Your son might be really low in Vitamin D3, or iron, or any one of a great number of essential nutrients. And deficiencies in some of these things can affect one's mental health.

I encourage you to not limit your search for help for your son to holistic, all-natural, non-medical resources. I firmly believe that holistic practitioners can be a really helpful resource, but sometimes it's best if they work alongside a traditional medical professional when someone is depressed, and has brought up the subject of the possibility of suicide.

Please don't blame yourself, and most importantly, don't reject all the resources that are available. Get your son to a medical doctor for a thorough checkup, and get him to a psychiatrist. And most importantly, don't delay.

Hi JoJo,

Welcome to Mamapedia. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Here's the thing that is essential to understand about depression: it's not based on having crappy circumstances or limited opportunities. It's not something you can talk somebody out of by listing all the children who are starving in Sudan or all the people without power in Puerto Rico or all the veterans out on the streets holding signs saying "Will work for food."

You can't talk him out of it because it's a medical condition. You can't talk him out of strep throat just because other people have worse nutrition or less access to antibiotics. You can't talk him out of acid reflux or IBS because he has more food or a more balanced diet than poor people.

It's a chemical imbalance. It may have other triggers - societal, familial, personal, and more. I battled depression for many years, and I used (as most people do) a variety of therapies to get on top of it. None of those included lists of how lucky I am in various categories. Having people pissed at me and saying "get over it" made things worse, and my doctors and therapists told me to distance myself from people who talked like that. For me, it was a combination of "talk therapy" with a psychologist, fantastic supplementation, and prescription medication from a psychiatrist who worked with the psychologist. Supplements (not standard vitamins) helped me add balanced nutrients (and yes, your son might need more even though he has lost weight and made great strides - our food sources are deficient no matter what metric you use), and they helped me strengthen myself in the gym. He may be deficient in a way that cannot be fixed just by adding more protein or more Vitamin X Y or Z.

I also worked with a nutrition company that matches people with others who have the same issue (in this case, depression). I also didn't expect results in a week or 3 weeks.

I also did marriage counseling with my husband through a social worker who also worked with the psychologist. I can't emphasize enough how important it is to have professionals clued in with each other.

But what your son needs might be different. So you need to celebrate the fact that he is telling you this! Most people with depression don't do that! So open up, admit you don't have all the answers, and provide him with the support he needs to move forward. You cannot fix this for him. Don't try. He needs a multi-disciplinary approach to get to the bottom of this. It's not one-size-fits-all.

Depression isn't about something particular upsetting you. It isn't about being spoiled or unappreciative. It's (partly) about being unable to have joy in much of anything because your brain chemistry doesn't make the connections properly to elicit the emotion.

Your son needs appropriate medical care. He should see a licensed psychiatric doctor for therapy as well as a discussion about medication. Dietary supplements are insufficient for treating neurological issues.

I sense from your post that he may be a touch anti-med, but that is what your son needs before he gets better. I advise you to encourage him to seek proper medical care. He won't get better unless/until he does.

Sending you strength and peace. This is not easy to deal with. <<hugs>>

Mood disorders are very common at this age. It sounds like you've raised a fine young man who is pursuing his dreams, working hard, and felt comfortable confiding in you. I will suggest that you (and he, as he is an adult and makes his own health decisions) remain open to treatment with prescription anti-depressants. Some people do need to be on them long term. For other people, a relatively short course - under supervision of a doctor and with appropriate tapering off - can be the jump start that they need to feel enough like themselves to then be able to maintain their wellness through diet, exercise, work, friends, and hobbies. Depression is a very treatable condition. For some people, it's temporary. For others, it may be something they wrestle with from time to time throughout their lives. And for others, it's chronic and needs to be managed like any other chronic illness. That's an overwhelming thought, so it's best to focus on the short term and work towards what has him feeling like himself soonest.

Please trust that there is nothing you could have done to cause or prevent this. It's a medical condition that happens to affect the mood center in the brain. We don't really know yet what causes it or what cures it, but there is a lot of info out there on strategies to treat the symptoms and live a full, happy and healthy life. Focus on that, and I wish him and you the best as you move forward with treating this.

I understand the holistic approach. I urge you to explore other avenues as well. He may need medication.

We had a young man in our youth group commit suicide about a month ago. Nobody saw it coming. He was on track to be an Eagle Scout, well liked, led youth small groups, did well in school, worked after school, played sports, etc.

Your son has voiced his feelings. As someone said before there are lots of parents out there who wished they had a heads up. Keep searching until he's improving.

He is 19 and a legal adult. Getting him to appropriate care is trickier at this age than with a minor because you can't force him. But it sounds like he respects you and has impressively communicated with you about his struggles. I would do everything possible to get him into see a medical doctor and a therapist experienced with treating depression asap, rather than waiting and watching until he tells you he is ready. Start with a medical doctor appointment. Encourage him to share what he told you about his depression and to ask for a complete physical evaluation as well as a referral to a good talk therapist. It's great that you are so supportive of his vegan diet, and that he likes the holistic therapy. You can keep doing that but still I would also pursue the more traditional approaches to depression, so he has all possible help options available to him. (I'm vegan too, and also have had a depressed teen. It is NOT your fault. You have not failed him. His depression is not situational, it's not related to his circumstances, it's clinical, whether mild, moderate, or severe). What about exercise, physical activity? Look into a gym membership or ask him to join you in some kind of activity like training for a 5K run, or something that gets him moving on a regular basis.

It's a shock to find out that someone you think is doing so well is having problems but this isn't about your feelings.

"This completely breaks me and I'm finding it hard to write this. On one hand I'm like pissed because I think of all the blessings he has and I feel like " really? You spoiled brat!" Then on the other hand I'm completely crushed for him."
"I just feel like I failed some where."

He TALKED to you about it - that is wonderful and you should feel proud that he could reach out to you.
He's getting help - another good step.
Some people never know their kid is having problems - their first clue is their child commits suicide.
A distant family member, a co-workers adult child - a friend from high school - all committed suicide - it's a shock every single time to everyone around them.
So while you feel like the rug has been pulled out from under you - things could certainly have been much worse.

Your son is getting help - are you?
I think talking with someone - a counselor, or clergy person - to get a grip on your feelings would be very good for you.

Additional:
Some people see offense where none is meant.
Sorry you see it that way.
I stand by my answer and talking with a counselor is a great way to sort out your feelings of being pissed and feeling broken and like a failure because your child is depressed.

I would be upset to hear one of mine was struggling too - as any parent would, just as you would any illness, etc. Then you move on and get them help - as you would if anything was the matter. With depression, he may not be able to get himself the help and I think it's wonderful he's reached out to you. I think that speaks volumes that he feels he can.

My sister's depression surfaced in college also. Hers was much more severe. She did not reach out.

She had it before then and my parents didn't get it. She had seemed so happy and upbeat, had friends, etc. Sometimes it's hard to see it.

So I think what's good is you're obviously having a hard time, but reaching out yourself and looking for help. I think the first step now should be reaching out to his primary care physician. They can really help. They will know if it's the kind of thing that will respond to some counseling, or counseling sessions and a few months on some minor medication (my husband did that once), or if more intervention is required (not necessarily a severe thing, but sometimes a bit more medication is needed until they figure out if there's a chemical imbalance). Often times that's not required.

My husband went through a stressful time and just was not himself. Depression runs on his side of the family. He reached out to me, and I helped him get in touch with the doctor. He just needed some medication (lowest dose) to stabilize things - just so he could make some changes - to reduce his stress load at work, and elsewhere (he had to distance himself from his family for a bit).

Your son may be finding college a bit stressful. He may just need some help. Sometimes it's a chemical imbalance as is the case with my sister. Even so, with the right help she was able to go on and have a family, etc.

Don't worry too much. I know that's easier said than done. But the first thing is to get him properly assessed. I know you are going the holistic route. I tend to go with more medical route until you know what you are dealing with. That would be my suggestion.

I went through some baby blues - not quite depression - after my first son was born. It passed, but it wasn't the easiest. My friend is going through a sad period after the loss of a friend. Her doctor did not suggest meds but just talking and friends and family being supportive is in order - and taking it easy. Sometimes just talking to the doc and being monitored is all that is needed. Reaching out is huge - good for your son, and good for you for coming on here and being open. Hugs and keep us posted. I hope he feels better soon and gets the help/support he needs. You sound like a very caring mom. No one judging you here - it would be hard for any mom to here especially if depression (or if he is simply in a depressed state for now) is new for you.

JoJo, please don't leave. There are more good moms than bad on this site. Take the good and use it and discard the bad. It takes all kinds of people to be in a village.

You have done several amazing things. The first one is that you got your son help to help him get through his depression. The second thing is that you are standing next to him in support. The third is that you love him no matter what and that means a lot to a kid going through any kind of crisis. Know that you are not alone as many have said that they wish the knew that their child was facing a difficulty and did other things to terminate the problem and pain.

A huge cyber huge to you. Please do write back and let us know how he is doing in the future.

the other S.