My Kid's Unreliable Friend Is Driving Us Nuts

WOW, you are really looking at this other child through an adult lens. Take one huge step back for some perspective.

Mall: Your daughter told her she would be back in an hour. During that time the girl looked for something fun to do and ended up at the mall with another girl. She is 13 - short attention span, poor sense of time - she did not have the adult sense to say "one hour to see my friend, hmm, how about I just get some dusting done til I hear from her".

Orthodontist: She is 13, she lacked the sense to not make plans for right after a doctor's appointment. A few days ago a friend of mine told me that a certain night would not be a good night for her to meet for dinner because of a gyn appointment earlier that evening. The gyn has no bearing on my friend's ability to eat a bowl of pasta! But, as an adult, she has the big-picture sense to realize that she might be feeling "icky" after the appointment, so she doesn't make plans for that time.

Practice piano: Maybe not really her "choice"!! She is 13! Maybe her mom had been riding her to practice for a few days and she was in trouble.

So, in conclusion - I do not necessarily think that there is anything wrong with this girl. But if your daughter is "done", well, good luck to her in finding more mature 13-year-olds.

So your daughter and you expect this girl to wait around until you are free and she is the one with the problem? Why would you ask her why she didn't wait around until your daughter was free, you do realize that was rude? Then today she was in pain but hey, she should suck it up and hang out with your daughter anyway?

Please be done with her, she doesn't need this drama.

Use this as a great opportunity to teach your daughter about what makes a good friend. Teach her about reliability, accountability, and honesty. Remind her how much time she has wasted waiting for an unreliable person, and how disappointing it can be.

Then encourage her to stop making firm plans with this girl. It doesn't sound like she's getting responsible parenting, so coordinating with the mother wouldn't be effective. Just let a get-together happen if it happens, and stop seeking it out. Don't step in and fix this for your daughter, just focus on helping her grow into a great human being.

To play devil's advocate... she's 13. In both scenarios you mention I can think of easy, simple reasons that explain the breaking of plans. 1) sounds like the girl's parents are friends and maybe made plans, and the girls ended up having the afternoon together unexpectedly. The moms are planning dinner, and one says, "oh, what if drop the girls at the mall for a few hours beforehand?" or something.... What's the girl going to do? Say, "no, mom. I'm not going. I don't care that Jenny's family is coming later. Too bad."?? Not likely. But it also would be rather convoluted to try to explain via text (as almost all teens communicate exclusively these days it seems). In scenario #2) Maybe it's true. Have you had braces? Some kids have more pain with adjustments than others and with some adjustments more than others. Some visits it's barely and issue, and other times, my kid takes advil for 3 days. I never know which will happen in advance. Maybe this girl didn't expect a wire change or whatever. Or for the power chain to be applied that visit.

Again, I'm just pointing out there might be reasons other than her just being flaky or rude. Regardless, she didn't handle them very well it seems. But, she is only 13, and is learning. It's up to your daughter whether she learns quickly enough to want to continue making plans with her in the future. But I wouldn't try to coordinate through the mom. Let the girls negotiate this awkward path. You can give tips to your daughter about how to address the issues she has with this, you can make observations to give your daughter some things to think about (is she being treated kindly, thoughtfully by her friend; is her friend learning to be more thoughtful through her errors; does her friend seem remorseful when she treats her poorly; is it out of her control--changes made my parents maybe?; does she communicate with her parents well, etc), and help guide her to make healthy choices for herself. But let her make them. Don't go over their heads with the other mom on this.

It is disappointing when plans change. I understand your daughter's perspective. There are all kinds of people in the world with different ways of doing life. 13 is hard and they're trying to figure things out. Social graces do not come automatically.

My daughter is 17 and dealt with this same scenario last weekend. She was stood up by a young lady several times in the past. This time she said she was done. I honor her decision but also reminded her she didn't know what was going on in this girl's life. I also reminded her it was good to recognize she may not be reliable at this point but that could change. She might not be a reliable person to plan events with, but she could still enjoy her as an aquaintance. This young lady announced on twitter that she's pregnant a few days later. I told my daughter she was probably so absorbed in her circumstances and that contributed to her cancelling.

Your daughter can be done. I would stay out of it as her mom. Relationships change quickly. She may be done one month and besties 6 months from now. You say she's kind and fun to be with and they have a good time when they're together. Maybe some grace is in order.

My life changes rapidly with little notice. Because of that I don't make a lot of plans. The friends I do have understand and are happy when we can get together. Most of the time it is spontaneous. I am grateful for their understanding and glad they think our friendship is worth it even though it may seem unconventional.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Do not coordinate through the mom.

I would suggest letting your daughter call the shots on this one. You said she is 'totally done'. Honor that. Let her lead in how she wants to handle it. It sounds like she knows what she wants.

S., you sure get overly invested in your young teen's social dramas.

this is not yours to fix. this is just people. your daughter needs to learn to deal with this, and guess what? so do you.

i'm sorry the friend was evasive and untruthful. i have no time for that, but i also can't help wondering if you and your daughter haven't stalked grimly after her in the past and demanded explanations for any minor social disappointments.

i'm suspecting pretty strongly that's the case.

if you want to take over coordinating a teenager's social calendar by doing all the communicating with the parents, well, have at it, but you're sure not doing your kid any favors.

your daughter gets to choose. she can withdraw from this friendship, she can be aggressive and confrontational over what she sees on snapchat or whatever the venue du jour is, she can be relaxed and accepting of how the chips fall, or she can have a kind and honest conversation with her friend and set some boundaries.

she's only 13 so whatever she picks will have some angst associated with it, and it may not always work out perfectly.

sometimes she's going to get disappointed or hurt.

instead of fixing the friend, or flapping and squawking to make everything rosy for your daughter, how about empowering her just a little?
khairete
S.

She had been waiting all day? You said yourself you guys were not home so it was in fact the friend that was being expected to wait until she got word from your daughter, so I don't think it is fair to get overly mad that she got tired of waiting when she had someone over and they wanted to not waste the whole day. And "firm plans" with teens doesn't mean that they can not be changed because a parent decided something else (like piano) is more important. I think you might be taking these things too personally because they don't seem like huge slights to me, sometimes things come up or we find we are not well (the teeth hurting).

At 13, I'd have my kid be "done" - no more arrangements, no more plans. Find some new friends who value your daughter. I would NOT get involved with the mom - you do that when kids are 4 and 6 and 8, not at 13.

One of the reasons this is so important is that your DD is going to be interested in dating. Would you want her to continue to pine after a guy who kept dropping her, heading to the mall or the movies with others (guys or girls), and have him blow her off like this? Would you want her pining away at the window, hoping he would show up? No! Your daughter would - you would hope - stand tall and say "I deserve better than this."

HOW DARE the other girl make plans while waiting for YOU!!! (not).

First off, you're daughter lied. She was NOT "waiting all day" as you guys had left home. The friend you claim as "unreliable" made other plans while she was "waiting" for you guys to finish whatever it was you were doing! Why does she have to sit around and wait for you guys to finish? Do not make plans that are back-to-back with other plans.

If you haven't had orthodontia? You don't know the pain you can have from a scheduled visit. It's been 35 years for me and I can STILL remember the pain and TOTALLY sympathize with my boys when they get their braces tightened. You might want to cut her some slack on that one. I know I would. You NEVER know if it will be great or if it will hurt.

Let your daughter be "totally done" - stay out of her "drama" - you're only making it worse. Teach your daughter that she needs to plan as well to ensure that IF she is double booked on a day - or has a full schedule that EVERYONE who is involved knows and knows what to expect.

Yep.. if she is done, so are you..

I like Elena's response.

I have an unreliable friend. Just how she is. She's one of those people who will invite you to do something, but in her mind, if we have to reschedule two times, that's ok. For me, that's a pain. She's a lot of fun, so I say "Give me a shout the day of..".

For making firm plans and knowing what she's going to do, encourage your daughter to make plans with other buds.

ETA: I answered this as how I would handle it. But these are 13 year olds. Thinking of my 13 year old, miscommunication (especially over text) and not checking with parents first - still happens quite a lot. I'd just keep that in mind.

We have a similar situation. I usually plan it through the mom and even then, things fall through or they are very late.
No easy answer, except to cut ties. We have really decreased the amount of time with this friend due to the unreliability. One other solution is to invite this girl along with others. That way if she flakes out, your kid has someone else to do things with.
Also, have a firm time that the plans will happen. If they don't show, go anyway and text them to meet you there. Again, invite others too.

I'd tell my child that friends you can't count on aren't real good friends.
Let the kids sort this out but your daughter should have enough other friends that she can call someone else and get over her disappointments with this friend.

I agree with chacha, and I liked Lori H's response too. Kids have a poor sense of time. My kid will say "we are not eating for 6 hours" and I say "no, we are eating in 1 hour" and she will say "same thing, that's a long time away!" then one hour comes up and she is surprised we are now getting food, because she expected it would take longer. Not to mention, she doesn't have a watch she wears (she owns 3, she just doesn't put them on, by choice). This is what may have happened with your daughter's friend, or maybe the mom of her friend decided to extend their mall outing leaving the kid powerless, or the mother of your daughter's friend was unaware of a prior commitment that her daughter made with your daughter. I would not get all worked up, that's just life. If she is friendly otherwise, I would not assume the kid just doesn't like your daughter and doesn't want to hang out, she may just have a busy social life, maybe dictated by her mother.

Teach your daughter to not put all her eggs in one basket. She should always have a backup plan in case her friend gets busy, her mom cannot take her to the mall because she is running errands, or someone gets sick. Have her learn to have some independence, how to have fun alone, and to make plenty of friends. I will plan an outing with my kid and invite some other kids and if they come, great, if not, then my kid and I will have fun alone, or with one friend if the other two could not come. Teach her not to put her life on hold for someone else, essentially. Kids are notoriously flaky, though many adults are too. I guess the lesson to learn is, don't rely on someone else for your entertainment or happiness. You can also put the ball in their court, by having them call you when they are available and if you're free, great, you get together, if not, then some other time, but with the understanding that no one is going to get angry or hurt if you're unable to get together.

Wild woman and other rude people. We don't know what sally and her family did that morning. They could have been running errands or something. Her daughter is not a liar for saying she was waiting all day to see her friend because we don't have all the details. And to me saying waiting all day is an expression. The daughter was excited to spend time with her friend.

Tell your daughter to lose the friend. She doesn't need to be constantly let down like that (personal experience - it sucks)

Wild Woman....you know I love ya...but maybe when she said she had been waiting all day she meant that she was super excited to see her friend and had to wait all day (while she had to do whatever her family was doing in the morning) to see her....probably not a liar.
ANYOO....
Yeah...that hurts. 13 is tough. Friends are careless and it's usually all about them just like your daughter is all about her. It's hard!
Braces/orthodontist DO suck. Daughter could probably be more compassionate about that.
Hanging out with different friends and then posting it would hurt feelings. Friend could be more compassionate about that.
Your daughter can still be friends with this young lady, she just MIGHT be the kind of friend that you don't hang out with after school.

I think some families are just lousy with time. I have a family member like that, and her kids are exactly the same. It got to the point that even if these family members said that they were coming over, we never told him....cause 1/2 the time, they never showed (forgot, got lost, put the wrong date down on the calendar.)

If your child is up for this, I'd have her sit down with her friend face to face and say something like: I really like you, but I can't rely on you to be where you say you are going to be. It makes me feel that you don't value our friendship.

And, then, I would let it go. I've known the family members I referenced for decades, and despite lots of consequences for flaking out (losing jobs, missing tests and failing, et al), they just never learned basic time management skills.

It took me until college to have the revelation that different friends bring different gifts to my life, and to expect every friend to have every quality is unrealistic.

I have a friend who is great for heart to heart talks.

I have a friend who is so much fun to go out with.

I have a friend who is great for spontaneous stuff when we are in the same place at the same time.

The heart to heart friend isn't a party person. The fun party friend isn't so good at empathy if I need a shoulder to cry on. The spontaneous friend often bails out last minute on plans made in advance.

But you know what? I accept each of their strengths and weaknesses and I can love them for what they bring to my life without resenting that they can't give me what they don't have.

Maybe your daughter can learn this sooner than I did. She'll be happier in her friendships if she does.

This girl obviously doesn't feel the same about your girl as your girl feels about her.

I would wean my girl from this friendship. It's not healthy for her. She is on the way to making up her own mind about it but if you make excuses sometimes and encourage her to make plans with other friends.