My Husband Is Being a Jerk to My Mom....

Updated on November 06, 2009
S.H. asks from San Pablo, CA
4 answers

Hi moms out there!

I'm in a very tight situation...my mom has been visiting me for 3 weeks and its been wonderful since she lives so far and its been an entire year since I last saw her. Anyways I really needed to make sure that her stay is as comfortable as possible and I told my husband that although she can be outspoken at times that he needs to just ignore it since she'll be gone soon. Well we were having a conversation and my mom piped in...it wasn't out of line or anything but he snapped at her and has now given her a silent treatment and it has already been days. She feels unwelcomed in my own home...she feels that if he's around she cannot really leave her room. Yesterday it was her birthday and my daughter and I sung happy birthday to her and he was in the same room at the time and did not even have the courtesy to wish her a happy birthday. I am so mad that he cannot put his differences aside and just brush things off...anyways I followed him to the garage and told him that what he had done was a big slap in the face for me and that he was being a total JERK! I am so mad that I'm unsure how to forgive him for making her feel so unwelcomed. I know he won't apologize since his "pride" gets in the way....and I just talked to my mom and she told me how he was making lunch for himself and did not offer any to her...and then he took my daughter and she is home by herself. I feel aweful and don't know what to do...I'm just so mad right now that I cannot even speak to him....any chance of my mom moving out to California is pretty much done! Help! I am at work and feel aweful that she feels this way and that she wants to leave!!

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So What Happened?

Well my husband refuses to apologize to my mom and is now not talking to me either...everytime I ask if we can talk he says no to me and says it'll have to be on his own time...I am tired of his emotional abuse and am thinking maybe I need to get out of this toxic relationship but I am scared and would only stay for my daughter. Aw had plans to go to Vegas because I have a work conference and instead of flying we decided to drive...well now he won't go and its too late for me to fly with the company so I'm stuck driving....I feel like this keeps getting worse and worse. What should I do?

More Answers

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M.E.

answers from San Francisco on

What a difficult situation! Obviously the proper thing to do would have been that your husband apologize for snapping and everybody moves on. You need to speak to your husband - maybe even go out to dinner while your mother watches your daughter - and tell him that this is not the way to treat a guest, let alone his mother-in-law. He's making an awkward situation much, much worse. If he can't get over himself how about putting your mother in a nice hotel, your treat. This gives you a little distance. Is your husband a stay at home dad? Maybe he's tired on someone invading his "turf"? I'm sorry your husband is having trouble seeing the "big picture" - short stay, family, etc.

1 mom found this helpful
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L.G.

answers from San Francisco on

My two cents:

This is your husband's home too -- not your mother's -- and 3 weeks is a long time to have a houseguest -- particularly a difficult mother-in-law. To be honest, I sympathize with your husband and since he is the one you are married to, maybe trying to understand his perspective would help heal the rift.

If you'd like your mom to stay longer, maybe she can stay in a nearby hotel or with another relative or friend?

Good luck.

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P.W.

answers from San Francisco on

You need to do something about this soon, because it is really important for your daughter that you and your husband do not split up.

Your husband is being rude and immature as a response to this situation. Ignoring people for days is childish.

HOWEVER: You cannot take sides with your mother in fights against your husband. That is VERY destructive to your marriage. Three weeks is WAY to long for your mother to stay at your house. Especially if she is the kind of person who "pipes in." If your husband got that mad at her, she is probably somewhat of an irritating person. Remember -- it is your husband's home too, so he shouldn't be subjected to someone for three weeks.

I hope you've worked it out by now, but I suggest you apologize to your husband for yelling at him. Ask him how long he would be comfortable with your mother staying in the future. Make him feel like he matters as much or more than your mother, and then maybe at the end of the conversation, or better yet at some other time, ask him politely to not ignore her when he's mad.

Your husband's own mother obviously never trained him properly about some things, like politeness and etiquette, and that's not his fault. Unfortunately, you will have to take on the task of training him to be polite yourself, but know in advance that it will take YEARS, and you have to do it very delicately. When you criticize men, they will withdraw and become WORSE.

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E.M.

answers from San Francisco on

It might be helpful to ask him, as neutrally as you can, what's got him so upset. You won't be able to control everything that's going on, but you might be able to understand it better.

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