My Friend Will Not Discipline Her Child

Hi J.,

I would not continue to watch this child in my home. In a public daycare setting (I've worked in daycare for years), the child gets 3 strikes with biting, and then they are dismissed from the daycare. It is dangerous, it can be unhealthy (if they break skin, they can pass on germs, diseases, etc.). In general, I would tell this mom that if she does not step in to correct her daughter's behavior, then you can no longer keep her daughter in your home because she is hurting yours! Good luck!

BTW, think 10 years down the road - if mom can't control dd's behavior now when she's not even 2 yet, do you really want this girl (when she's a teen) as a friend for your daughter? talk about negative peer pressure! just a thought!

E.

Hi J.,

I don't know about you, but for me, it's extremely difficult to tell a friend to her face that she 'needs to do something' about her daughter's behavior. I hate confrontation. Personally, if a child was hurting my son (and it has happened many times!), I say to the child loud enough for the mother to hear, "Oh Tommy, it's not nice to throw toys. If you keep throwing toys, my son (insert name) isn't going to be allowed to play with you anymore because we don't throw toys." OR something like, "Oh Tommy, we don't bite. It's not nice and it hurts. If you bite again, we aren't going to play with you anymore." And if the behavior continues, actually get up and leave. Just simply tell the mom, "Well, we're going to go now". If you can't get up and leave, remove your child from the situation....take her to another room to play and tell the 'bad' child that you and your child will be back to play once she has decided to play nicely. Your friend SHOULD get the hint.

I know it may sound 'childish', but at least I am allowing the child and the mom know where I stand on the matter.

Tell the mother you no longer want your child around her child if she's going to continue in this "so-called phase". She's plenty old enough, at 20 months, to be disciplined beyond just saying "that's not nice". That's ridiculous, and I honestly wouldn't allow my child around hers. You have to think of the safety of your own child.

Hi J..

At this age this little girl is at the "pushing the limits" stage. She is seeing just how far Mommy will let her go. That's why she is doing these things when Mommy is around but not when it is the 3 of you.

Since you babysit her during the day, I would say if she is doing these things to your little one when her Mom is around go ahead and correct her. But do it verbally. Just say to her that "We don't hurt our friends", or "You're making me and (your daughter's name) very sad because you're behaving this this way". I would also warn her one time that if she does it again you will remove your daughter from her. If she does it, which she will because she is testing everyone. Pick your daughter up and don't let her play with the little girl for a bit. Tell her I told you I can't let you hurt (your little girl) so now you can't play with her for a bit.

Hopefully her Mother will pick up on these cues and begin to see that it is actually ok to tell her little girl NO. You have to stop this, biting is very dangerous and she really needs to learn this from someone.

Good luck and give your little a big squeeze for keep her composure.

Hi J.,
I'm sorry you and your daughter are suffering because of this. It drives me *crazy* to see other people let their children do hurtful things to others, especially when we try so hard to bring our children up the "right" way.

In my opinion, I think you should have a talk with your friend and explain to her that your child is being *hurt*. Maybe she doesn't really see the final result of her daughter's behavior???

It sounds to me like your friend's daughter is trying to get her mom's attention, if she only does it when her mom's around. If she's behaving normally when she's not around, that's an indication she wants something more than what she's receiving.

I've also noticed sometimes children will listen better to an adult other than their own parent. Maybe it would be worth it to say something yourself to the child when it happens. Even if her mom's around. Your friend might get offended, but I bet it will only take one or two times for the behavior to stop. I couldn't imagine doing something like that myself until I had my own daughter. And when my nieces or nephews get too crazy around my daughter, I ask them to stop what they're doing. Usually, this is an idication to my sister/sister-in-law that they need to take some action.

I'm not an expert in childhood behavior, but I thought I'd share some info from first-hand experience.

Good luck and let us know if you find a way to resolve the issue. I'm sure I'll be looking for an answer sometime in the future!

I know how you feel.
She is acting this way because her mother is there to witness it and she will get away with it. Talk to your friend. Let her know that your child is being harmed in this "phase" her child is going through. Tell her that is happening when she is there and you do not see this behavior when you are watching her. Explain that you are not attacking her or her child in any way, but you think that she should step in a little more to let her daughter know that it is NOT alright to harm another person.
If that is able to to work then talk to the child yourself. On her level. SIt with her and tell her that she is hurting others when she does these things and ask her if she would like for some one to do them to her. That has helped me in the past with my nephew.
Good luck!

Hi J., it sounds like you and your friend are close so I would definently talk to her sometime when the kids aren't around. Maybe call her in the evening. Have you explained to her that you have noticed that the little girl doesn't bite when you babysit and only does it when mommy is around? If you let her know your observations and say something to the fact that maybe she is doing it for attention and that stronger boundries need to be set up. Some parents don't really understand that kids like to have boundries and need to know what behaviour us ok and what is not. Does she disipline any other time? If not maybe she doesn't realize that her daughter is old enough for a time out. Some parents are afraid to disipline. If she still refuses to do anything than maybe you will have to explain to her that you would be unable to let the kids play together anymore and that she should look for another sitter. Tell her that your little one is getting hurt too much and you can't allow it to happen anymore. I know it is not an ideal solution but protecting your child sometimes comes before any friendships/extra income. I have had loss of a friend for a short time because of a similar situation but after a month they did start to disipline and called me to thank me. Hope that helped.

Hi jeniffer my name is B., i have the same problem with my friend she has a little boy that is like 18months and he hits and bites my little grl that is 9months, my advice to u is when she is there and her child is doin things that u dont approve of and she is not doing anything to stop it i would take matters into my own hands at that point and tell the little girl infront of her mom that it is not ok to bite and hit and put her in time out thats what i have to do with my friends kid cuz she does the same thing. i know it may seem wrong to do but maybe this will open the moms eyes a little that she needs to step up and deal with her child. i hope this helps it has worked for me