My Daughter Has a Best Friend Who Has a Stepsister Who Is Mean to Her...

I think that you should've never said anything to the other mother, and watched the situation closely yourself. Most likely the "step-sister" is probably feeling left out and that is why she is acting the way she is - and you are just further making her feel left out. You should also teach your daughter that she needs to be considerate of other people, and there are reasons why people (especially younger siblings) act out. It is also normal for siblings to argue, and fight, and sometimes be mean to each other. I am sure that there are also times (most likely when your daughter is not around) that the sisters get along well. Maybe when your daughter comes over and her older sister is now ignoring her, she is acting out to get the attention. She probably feels like a 3rd wheel. I would've encouraged my daughter to try and include her in activities instead of pushing her out!

Wow! That sounds like a mess!
I personally don't have time for drama like that, so my instinct would be to cut ties. As a rule, I try to avoid people that make things more dramatic than they need to be. You were protecting your daughter, and should not be penalized for that.
Honestly, if the Dad is that immature, I wouldn't want my daughter over there anyway.
Allison K brings up some really good points and I agree - good advice.

to be honest, my heart goes out to the four-year-old. it's not easy to be in a blended family and she may just be trying to have some sort of relationship with her stepsister and just doesn't know how. Four year olds don't really have any social skills so she might just be trying to get her stepsister's (and your daughter's) attention and being mean may be the only way she knows. Maybe you should talk to your daughter and ask her to make an effort to include the four year old in things and perhaps things will get better between the children. As far as your problem with the parents, I think a little tact on your part would have gone a long way. Too much honesty is not always a good thing.

I think this sounds like a good opportunity to teach your daughter and her friend about tolerance. I mean, the stepsister is only FOUR! She's a preschooler who is acclimating to a blended family. My kids are almost 3 and 6, and they fight like cats and dogs (and they are not even stepsisters), over toys, books, games, etc. Unless there's bloodshed I try to stay out of it. Kids have to learn how to get along with other people with different personalities - even kids who are "mean," bossy, loud, etc.

That being said, I do think you should speak with the parents and apologize. If you can, I would try to specifically include the little sister in an upcoming playdate, and speak with your daughter in advance about the importance of playing nicely with all her guests, even those she may not like as much as others. I think that would go a long way in smoothing things over with the parents.

This sounds like a lot of she said, she said drama that you're getting over-involved in. I know this isn't what you wanna hear but, while it's a concern, it's not your family or your place to step in. Try putting yourself in their position....would you wanna hear the same thing? It sounds like you may have now ended the friendship. Sure, you don't like the way the one daughter is being treated but there isn't much you can do about that. I also suggest you call to apologize & tell them you hope this won't effect the friendship between the 6 year olds as that wasn't your intent, that this is about the 6 year olds & that they'd be upset if they couldn't play together anymore. I know it will be hard, but while they're being passive-aggressive, try to be the bigger person here. And if these parents decide to stop the friendship, it's not the end of the world. It may seem like it to your daughter but she is only 6 & will find other friends. Plus, sounds to me like these are people you may not want your daughter around anyway. Hope this helps & good luck!

Hi L.!

When I began to read your posting, I had a different first impression. Then I got to the part when you said they were 4 & 6 years old!

It is really about your daughter's Birthday, I understand that, but there are MANY times in life we ALL have to do things we aren't so crazy about. My boys have to include eachother on some occassion, as well as their friends bringing a sibling on some occassions.

I would call the mother back, and be VERY sweet and say something like...." Hi _______, you know, I've been thinking about the BD thing and I feel really bad about the way everything has turned. I am mostly concerned about NOT being able to watch _________(the 4 yr old), and i think I may have reacted wrong. Of course she is welcome to come. Would you mind being there to watch her?" blah blah blah..... If you start off nice and apologetic, then everyt hing will naturally flow the right way. The mother may even apologize for "assuming" she could invite her.

Mother's SHOULD be there anyway due the kids ages, it's common courtesy to "watch your own child" at a BD party for anything under 8, in my opinion.

Good Luck, L., it will all work itself out.

:o) N.

Hi L.,
I think that you have several issues here. Once you get an answer re the issues, it may give you a different take on things and then it will be easier to figure out what is going on.

The first one revolves around seperating your daughter's world from the issues in her "best friends family". I have two daughters who are three years apart and I would NEVER assume that the older one would attend a party the younger one was invited to or vice versa. Whenever I have been put into this situation by other parents, I have always regretted it because I have ended up having to give extra attention who doesn't get enought attention from her parents. In other words, the mother of your daughter's best friend needs to find appropriate socialization for her step-daughter vs dumping her on you. Most ten year olds (I have a 10 year old daughter) don't want to play with six year olds. And yes, it is the parents responsisbility to help their child find friends and/or learn socialization skills.

The second issue revolves around exactly what the six year olds perceive as "mean". My 10 year old constantly asserts herself on my 13 year old. When the 13 year old tells her she wants to be alone in her room or alone in the bathroom, the 10 year old refuses to leave. The 10 year old constantly hangs out in my older daughter's room and yet gets very mean if my older daughter so much as steps into her room. If my older daughter tells me (which she rarely does), then she is accused of being mean. The younger one has boundary issues. When the older one is mean, I call her on it but it usually stems from the younger one refusing to respect the older one's privacy. I find that the younger one really is a little bugger alot of the time when she doesn't get her way.

If you find that the step-sister really is mean, you can only protect your daughter from it. Many families don't care what happens between the kids as long as the parents can continue having their fun time. Good luck!

I think some of the responses aren't giving enough credit to the 4 year old. Kids will get away with as much as they can no matter how old they are. It seems like the parents are allowing this 4 year old to get away with being mean. It's great that your daughter (only 6) can see this and call her on it. We let kids get away with way too much these days and parents are always so hurt to hear that their child could do anything wrong. I've had a 5 year old completely blow up at me for something I don't understand to this day, while the father just stood there, saying nothing. Needless to say, my feelings were hurt, more from the father who thought it was OK to teach his 5 year old that telling off adults is OK. This little kid has grown into a smart mouth and the parents are unaware of it. I have two kids (10 & 12) and I'm sure they are not always angels when they are at school or away from me, but I always teach them to be respectful to adults and other children. The step-father is teaching his kids that its OK to be mean and to take revenge out on others (little kids even). If you think that lesson of "inviting" and then "canceling" was lost on the 4 year old you are wrong. She got it loud and clear. The fact that the parents of the step-sister would do that to your child is a red flag that says you don't want to be friends with a family like that. The 4 year old wasn't invited to the party and the mother should understand that the 6 year old has her own friends and doesn't need to share them with her step sister. Take a step back and look at the messages (good and bad) that are being sent by all involved: imposing on others - Standing Up for yourself - revenge...

It's time to find some new friends or just be friends with the wife and not the step-father. Good luck!

Don't listen to the kids. I mean, listen to them....but they are pretty young. Talk to the parents. Kids can't be reliable in these instances as far as he said, she said stuff. Just get it out in the open. With the ADULTS. Not all adults are people you want your kid around, and you will only know that by going straight to the source. Hopefully the adults in this situation can be more mature than the children. If not, you will know pretty quickly and you really don't need your daughter getting into the drama of all this. For heaven's sake, she's not even a teenager yet. You are going to have to start nipping that stuff in the bud or you are going to be in for a long ride. And probably not a happy one. My son is 12. I basically had to extinguish a friendship of his, not to mention a friendship with the parents, because his "best friend" began being cruel with the introduction of another boy. They both taunted my son even to the extent they were getting in trouble at school for it. My son was SO hurt by his friend. After lengthy discussions with the adults, I just walked away from it. I barely still stay in touch, but the fact of the matter is, their son is getting in trouble for stealing and everything else with the new friend's influence and they understand why my son isn't around anymore. They haven't stopped their son from being with the bad kid. So, I removed my child from it all. And I removed myself from people that were basically my family because the things my son was being called aren't even repeatable. Oh my gosh, for heaven's sake, how terrible. But they didn't do one single thing about it. She is a teacher. He is a fireman. They are completely fine with my decision to keep my son away from their kid. The dad isn't really happy about it because now there is all kinds of trouble that never happened before. But, every time trouble happens, my son can say he had no part in it. Ironically, adults always want to ask my son what happened because he is the one they can count on to tell the truth. He will tell the truth, but there's not much for him to say anymore. I removed him from it.
You might be able to work things out and you might not. It's a big world and your kid is really young. She will have a zillion different friends and relationships over her lifetime. At her age, you need to be the one doing the checking and communicating and protecting. You make the decisions.

I completely agree with Catherine's advice. This is a 4-year-old we're talking about! It might be different if she were 6 and the others were 4. Your daughter's friend is going to have to learn to deal with her sister and, in turn, so will all of her friends to varying degrees. I think you owe the apology here. Hopefully, the others can forgive and forget. And, hopefully, everyone on both sides has learned a lesson.

L.,
I think your best bet at this point is just to apologize. People are VERY protective over their children & NEVER want to hear that something may be wrong.(the step's anger issues). If she is only 4 yrs old it may be that she blames the 6yr old step for the changes in her life,such as having to go between houses etc. Not having Dad around all the time etc....you never know.
Think about the shoe on the other foot......if the other mom had said that about your child would you be upset? It might be that the step never acts like that except when around the older sibling she is now forced to be friends with ? I don't know the whole situation in their family, but a heart felt apology to the mom & Dad should help...
Maybe asking if there is anything you can do to help????
Such lil kids don't understand the whole picture when parents divorce....maybe she is justing hurting & taking it out on the older step???
Good Luck....I'm sure it will work out & your kids can still be best friends!!!!
P>S> The dad should never had said anything about your child in front of his kids however he was protecting his child( you are not suppose to know he said it). I myself am quite the BEAR when protecting my kids. I went to great lengths to protect my son from a bully, when later I found out that the kids handled it themselves, it just made me look incredibly stupid!!!!

Hi L.,

If I were to find myself in this situation, I would seriously steer clear of this family. I recommend play dates for your daughter and her best friend at neutral places, like a park, as it does not seem like this girl's family is in a healthy place right now.

I would strongly recommend not allowing your daughter to go into an environment where she does not feel safe or welcome by the adults in the family.

Additionally, it sounds like your daughter's friend is really going to need as much love, support and encouragement your daughter and your family can give her, in your limited capacity. From this one example, the stepfather really comes across as emotionally immature, and the mother's withholding your daughter's presence at the event as punishment was inappropriate and seemingly disproportionate. Playdates should not be used as leverage for good behavior or punishment for bad behavior. And should we not focus on the behavior as "good" or "bad" rather than the child...

Again, I would recommend limited interaction with this girl's family and simplify things by choosing neutral play zones.

Finally, I would take the opportunity to apologize to her mom to smooth things over for the benefit of both girls (take the high ground), and explain that your request was meant in good spirit and not to offend her stepdaughter or family.

Good luck with this!

Dear L.,
I think that you did the right thing by speaking up on your daughter's behalf. Considering the immature and inappropriate behavior exhibited by this stepfather (such as using language like he did and calling a little girl such a name in front of her friend), I would make sure that there is never a situation where your daughter is in his company without you being there. He may say more inappropriate or hurtful things to her and you will not be there to know what really happened. Until you are sure that the tension is cleared, which it may never be with the stepfather, I would have all play dates be in your home and with you present. A child that age should not be subject to an angry and unpredicable adul, such as the man you described. Good luck with the situation. If the parents cannot take responsibility for dealing with their child's mean behavior, even if she is 4, is this a family that you want influencing your daughter's life? Maybe you could encourage her to develop friendships with other children her age and take a little vacation from this friend. Best wishes.

L.,
It sounds to me like the parents are in denial about the kids. We had a similar situation on our soccer team two years ago. The girls were step sisters, and they talked very mean to eachother. It was totally uncalled for, yet
the parents were completely oblivious to it. I know that growing up, in my step dads eyes, his daughter did no wrong, until he and my mom had a major blow out fight because of it. He just did not want her to be in trouble all the time when she was there at our house. My mother explained to him he could not enforce punishment on us,
and not her, it had to be even. Or, he would buy her a toy, and not us. That went over like a lead balloon.
Maybe they 1.really not aware, 2. don't want to see it,or3. don't want her to be in trouble. They need some realization now though, before it is too late. Otherwise the 6 year old will have some major issues with the 4 year old in a couple of years, and they won't get why. You may want to get specific examples from your daughter if you do
try to approach them, that way it won't be just general
statements.
W.

Hi L.,
It sounds simular to a situation that I had with a daycare client. The parents would say rude things about my husband, and I behind our backs. The children would repeat it to me the next day. It sounds to me like the parents need to grow up. To call your daughter names in front of her friend was not necessary. They needed to discuss the situation with you first. I suggest that the next time your daughter tells you something like this use caution in how you address the situation. Even more so with this family, if your daughters continue to be friends. I would say my daughter has concerns that the other child my not have fun because of the age difference. People can be hypersensitive when they feel that their children are being targeted. But these people need to learn to deal with it a little more maturely.

Don't say anything about what you heard. This is all craziness. The adults need to act like adults, and they are all acting extremely immature right now. Just continue to be polite and friendly to everyone involved and let it go. Tell your daughter that her friend's stepsister is only 4, her brain hasn't even finished developing yet.

You should have let the 4 year old go to the party and helped her mother out. The kids would have survived and had a perfectly good time.

I'd attempt to talk to the woman, but in all honesty it doesn't sound like she's going to be very approachable. She seems highly sensitive, as does her husband. I would try though, for your daughters sake, but then if it doesn't work, that's all you can do.

Your daughter has every right to not like someone and she shouldn’t feel obligated to have someone at her party that she doesn’t like. I’ve always thought it was weird (and rude) for parents to bring a sibling to a party they weren’t invited to. As for how to diffuse the current situation. It’s best to pretend you don’t know what the father said about your daughter. Bringing it up will only get your daughter’s friend in trouble. Try to assure your daughter that sometimes people say things they don’t mean b/c they’re upset and just b/c he said that doesn’t mean she can’t still be friends with this little girl. You should try to talk to the mother to smooth things over. Say that you hope the 4 year old wasn’t upset about not being invited but that you wanted to respect your daughter’s wishes to only have her friends at the party. Also don’t feel like you have to apologize, you did nothing wrong and neither did your daughter. As a matter of fact your daughter did something very kind by standing up for her friend. There are obviously issues in their family dynamic that you can’t solve. Continue to invite the friend over and hopefully this can blow over. But don’t expect them to invite over your daughter any time soon. The husband is probably going to need a lot of time to deal with his own feelings.

In the future don’t say that your daughter is the reason someone isn’t invited to a party. Instead say that you’re asking that guests not bring siblings or other friends to the party b/c you want to keep the total number of children manageable. And for everyone that acted so surprised that the bully is the younger kid, don’t be so quick to dismiss her behavior b/c she’s “only 4”. To the 6 year olds she is a peer and words and actions are just as painful regardless of the age difference especially if the one being bullied is a sensitive child.