My 3 1/2 Yr Old Son Won't Sleep the Whole Night in His Own Bed

Wow! My 9 year old still does that every so often. Does he have a night light? A light helps with the fear of the "boogyman". is the temp just right? I have noticed with my 9 year if its a bit chill she will come in my room for heat and comfort. So 70+ will keep him comfty. Is the door left open or closed? For my daughter it has to be a crack which helps her stay in her room all night. I guess it is the sense of sound to know before she sleeps that every thing is in order. K. it will pass and nothing really to worry about. Just be consistent and it will be alright.

I can tell you that when I was little and went into my parents room because I had a nightmare, my parents made me lay on the floor. I didn't get kicked out, but we were never allowed in the bed. I haven't had this problem yet because my oldest is still in a crib. That is the only advice i have is try that out. Maybe it wont make it as fun to come into the room.

I wonder if a "reward system" might work. I don't ever like bribing, because I think it's not good for children to behave properly in response to "getting something".

But what if you did a star/sticker chart, where he got to put a sticker on the chart each morning after he stayed in his own bed all night? Then after one week, you could take him somewhere special...like a different park, or out for lunch.

Just a thought.

A.

First of all if you truly want him to sleep in his own bed, then you must follow through with taking him back EVERY TIME!! Try not to make eye contact or interact too much... just put him back. Having said that, I also find it sad and unfair that Mommy and Daddy have someone to sleep with but the kids have to sleep alone. It doesn't feel right to me. Consider buying one of those kid size fold out character sofas to put in your room and make it a rule that if he comes in during the night that he needs to lay down and sleep on that. I feel it will be even more sad and unfair to make him sleep in his own room alone when mom and dad and new baby all get to sleep in the same room. Does that make sense?

I am a 30 year old SAHM with a 5 1/2 year old daughter, who sleeps in her own bed but at some point early morning... she ends up in ours or me hers. I'm charishing this time when she wants me me around her, lol. I am also expecting and will have it set up in both bedrooms for me and baby so we can all share sleep. Good luck finding what works for you. We're all different with different needs.

My husband and I are going thru the exact same thing, same age, same pattern...I thought maybe he sent that in. Something to remember, we need to teach our kids how to relax and calm themselves back to sleep, even more than we need to catch up ourselves. If the problem isn't resolved you may end up with a 3rd grader that can't fall asleep until midnight and then suffers from lack of rest at school. So the problem is bigger than tonight. We are currently in night 4 of a plan in "Helping Your Child Sleep Through the Night" by Joanne Cuthbertson & Susie Schevill....so far so good. I highly recommend this book, it worked for us when our daughter was in the same pattern and my son was on the way. I'm only disappointed that I needed to read the book a second time to get on track. lol

It could be he's sensing the impending changes. It could also be as he says that he likes being with mommy & daddy. My 3 1/2 year old does the same thing & so does her 19 month old sister. From an attachment perpective, this is ok. If you are working, it maximizes sleep over battling with the little one & results in increased security for him. He will likely let you know when he wants to be more independent. If he's still 10 & doing this every night then you might wanna think about ways to encourage his independence. I encouraged my older daughter to go back to her bed or to her sister's bed when she was 12 & I found out when she was 16 that she had felt some rejection in this. She had never been an every night come to mom's bed kid, but came occasionally. A 3 1/2 would be less likely to be able to verbalize their feelings, but even more likely to interpret it this way.

Hi K.,
My daughter did that too. After alot of research and experiments, I found that you have to be persistant. We were told to put her to bed one hour earlier than we normally do. That helps alot! Tell him before bedtime, that he needs to stay in his bed. When he gets up, without saying a word you can walk him back to bed. if he throws a fit, just ignore it and continue to direct him back to bed. This is very hard to do, but important to not talk. Calmly, Breathe. Smile at him or kiss on the head when he is in his bed, but dont give into any negative behaviour.
You may have to repeat this many times, before he stays, it took us two weeks, of getting up 10-20 x's every single night-take turns with your husband.
Also, giving rewards for staying in bed is crucial. Like, his favorite cereal for breakfast, or something you wouldnt give him every day. A special Playdate with a friend. Take him to pick out a cool nightlight, special book or stuffed animal.
My daughter is 5 and she is staying in bed when we get her to bed by 7. Good luck! this does work- it took us 2 yrs to get her out of our bedroom. and this was the only effective way.
Pam

my mom had the same problem with my brither, and the doctor told her to lock him out for three days, and after three days he would sleep the night in his own bed.it worked, but it wa really hard for my parents not to let him in when he started crying

best of luck!

I had one just like yours! I'm afraid I don't have the perfect solution for you, but I do know that I spent roughly two years exhausted and fighting my gorgeous little boy to keep him in bed and I'm not sure it was worth it. He is now nearly 6 and sleeps all night in his own bed and has done for about a year. Eventually we put a cosy sleeping bag on our floor at night and taught him to crawl straight into it without waking us up. He felt secure enough like that. Some nights he wouldn't even come in (huge praise in the morning!), some nights he just needed to tell me that he was getting into his bag, but most nights he just settled right down into his bag. It seemed like the best solution because at least I wasn't being disturbed and getting a little more desperately needed sleep. After a while, when you can start reasoning a bit more, try bribing him to stay in bed - with star charts and rewards after a certain number of stars (don't insist on them being five days in a row though).

There is a lot of good advice here already. I have had tons of sleep issues with my daughter and my advice is buy the book "The no cry sleep solution for toddlers and preschoolers" by Elizabeth Pantley and read it then make a plan on how to change your son's habits.

I totally understand, my daughter has been coming into our bed, too! First of all if you truly want him to sleep in his own bed, then you must follow through with taking him back EVERY TIME!! When my 3 1/2 year old daughter comes into bed, we only let her stay there for a minute or two. We take her back before we fall back to sleep. The last time she came in, she was crying and wanting attention by faking injuries, coming in 4 times a night. She did this for 2 nights. After the 2nd night, we had a discussion with her explaining that it was alright that she come in once a night, but not alright to come on in faking injuries. She hasn't come in since. I hope I don't jinx it!!

Is your son spending enough time with you during the day? He might either be missing you, his dad or needing more "family time" together. I'm sure you're very busy with working part time and running a household, etc.

We had a similar problem with our daughter at that age, every night at about the same time she wanted to sleep with us. Finally one night I decided to sleep in her room and let her sleep in my bed so that maybe I could finally get a good night’s sleep. Come to find out at about 1:30 am there is a train that comes through the train yard that is about 5 miles from our house, during the quite of night you can hear its horn as it goes through a cretin stretch of the yard. I ended up buying her a white noise machine that plays all night and helps her sleep through the night. It may not be that simple of an answer for you, but I know that sometimes the simplest answer elude us. Good luck and may you sleep soundly soon.

My 4.5 yo still doesn't make it the whole night. We did the Sears method and have a futon mattress on the floor in our room. That seems to work much better. We plan to slowly move the mattress to his room. Might sound crazy, but it's the only way we all get sleep. D. Parker

Hi K.,
Have you ever considered doing a family bed arrangement? Both my daughters slept with us and it's hands down the best decision we ever made as a family. It gave them a sense of security that I see evidenced in their independence today. It fostered closeness within our family and was a lot of fun! We put two beds together so that there was plenty of room, nursing was a breeze and WE ALL SLEPT. I realize it's not a popular practice in the United States (obsessed with independence) but it's common in many countries.
Sometimes what works doesn't follow what popular culture dictates. In any case, you'll figure out what works for you and your family. Just remember that you have choices and you can trust your mother instincts. Best, T.

My second daughter have the same age with your son and two month ago I have the same problem which is not happen with my First one. After my Mom remind me maybe she' s hungry so she could not fall sleep when she woke up. Now I always give her a snack as slice of sandwich, cereal with milk ....before she goes to bed and she sleep the whole night now. I hope this idea can help you.

Trang Chu

Hello,

My son did the same thing. We made a chart for his room and explained that each night he stayed in bed all night he would get a check mark. Once he reached a predertimed number of checks, I think it was 7, he got a reward. It took about 10 or 12 days to get the first 7 checks. We took him to Build a Bear, and made a huge deal about why we were there. After that the rewards were a lot smaller. Go out for ice cream, sticker book, park etc. After a little while staying in his own bed just becomes habit.

We still use the check mark system today for other things, like picking up toys etc.

Hope this helps

J.

I had the same problem with my son who is now also 3 1/2. We created a monthly "nightime" calendar on a big foam board. I put his name and drew a 1 month calendar with markers and put pictures of stars, moon, sleeping babies on it. Every night before bed we would have him pick a sticker and put it on that day on the calendar. If he slept in his bed all night then in the morning he would put a second sticker on that day. When he reached three days in a row with two stickers on each day, we would take him to donuts that morning.
Within a couple weeks he was doing great and stayed in bed all night. We eventually moved the donut reward back to five days in a row because he was doing so well and eating way too many donuts. We only had to do this for one month. It worked great!

Good luck!
J. from Sacramento

Every night he stays in his own bed is a point or marble (as in our home). After a set # of marbles, a reward is paid. Yes, bribery. Eventually, you won't need the marble. He'll just sleep in his bed. My daughter uses her marbles (10 of them)to buy a night with the folks once in a while. We also said she could come in once the sun was waking up. If she sees the sun in her windows, she can scurry into bed with us.

I had the same problem with my son who is now 7 and LOVES sleeping in his bed. What I did was set up a rewards system for him. I took a sheet of paper and divided it into 2 sections. On the top of the left side I drew a moon and his bed and wrote "Evan went to sleep in his bed". On the right side of the paper, I drew a sun with a happy face and wrote "Evan stayed in his bed until the sun woke up". I let him choose his own stickers and each morning, I would let him put a sticker in the appropriate section. Some mornings he would only get one sticker for starting off the night in his bed and some mornings he would be two for both starting in his bed and staying there all night. When he earned enough stickers in each column, he got a special reward. When I put up the chart on his closet door (at his eye level, so he could see it every morning), we talked about what he wanted to earn and I put up a picture of the item that he was working towards as a reminder. I only had to do the chart for a week before he earned his stickers and his reward. I left the chart on his closet as a reminder for a few months. He has been an excellent sleeper ever since. Good luck!

Hi K.

I feel for you, we have the same issue with our 2 year old daughter. It started when I went on bed rest with my twins when she was two. That was three month ago and it is still an issue. She slept in her big bed for a long time before that. I ended up having her sleep in our bed, due to sheer exhaustion since the twins wake up at night as well.
We put a mattress in our room and she is aloud to sleep there, but not in our bed. This works well, she protest for a couple of seconds and then stays on the mattress and sleeps til the next morning. Since we did that she stays in her own room more and more frequently.

Good luck.

K.,

My daughter who is now 4, went through the same faze when she was 3 1/2. Right after i bought her a big girl bed. She was so excited about her new bed, yet she would creep into my bed between 2 & 3 a.m. Right after she turned 4, it just played out (i guess you can say). But she sleeps all night in her bed now. I guess it's just a faze. Believe me, it will pass. Don't worry. Good luck, and congratulations on the one to come.

Hi K.,
I HIGHLY recommend "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Dr. Marc Weissbluth for help with sleep. He recommends several different things to try in this situation, one being a gate at his door so he can't leave and another to continue putting him back in his bed without talking to him. Whatever you do, you need to be consistent, regardless of how much he protests. It has become a habit for him to come into your room and habits can take 1-2 weeks to break. He will probably cry but be strong, this will not be the last thing you have to make him do that he doesn't want to. If you think you're tired now, wait until the new baby is here. The other solution is to co-sleep with him and the soon to be born. Co-sleeping didn't work for us, my husband snores and talks in his sleep which woke up my daughter. Be strong if you really want him sleeping in his own bed. Have your hubby help, you need your sleep with a little one on the way! Email me if you have questions.
Sincerely,
L.

We have the same issue ongoing with our almost five-year-old. He slept in our bed until I was ready to have our second. Then he moved to a "downstairs bed" on the floor next to our bed. He moved into his room and was sleeping there for a while, but now he has is back on our floor again. I guess this doesn't really "solve" anything, but everyone gets more sleep. He is a fearful sort of kid and he is really afraid of being alone in his room at night.

I love his response, that is adorable. "I like you guys".
Sometimes kids really need to be near us to feel secure and especially at 3 1/2 years. I understand what you are saying because I could never sleep well with a child in our bed. My friend gave me the BEST advice.
When you child comes into your room at night (for whatever reason, sad, nightmare, sick, missing you). Just give them a snuggle in your bed for a minute then give them the choice of going back to thier bed or a bed on the floor next to you. Just put down a blanket, pillow and blanket on top. This way, if he chooses to stay with you, everyone will get a good night's sleep.
We did this with all of our 4 children and it worked like a charm! Everyone was happy. We slept well and the child felt loved and secure. Another bonus is that sleeping on the floor isn't all that comfortable so the child would not want to do this every night just when they needed the extra comfort of being in our room.
Hugs,
A.

I had the same problem with my children. You may want to try a reward system. It can be as simple or complex as you like.

Here's what I did: I wrote each child's name on a zip lock baggie and used some old poker chips (you can use just about anything you have around the house). I made a list of tasks/achievements and how many "chips" they would recieve for each thing they accomplished. For example, if they brushed their teeth on the first time I asked them, they would get 1 chip. If my son had a "dry" night, he got 5 chips. If my daughter stayed in her bed all night, she got 5 chips. The amount of chips they receive depends on the achievement. I then wrote a list of rewards, i.e. go out to ice cream, rent a video game, get a new barbie or a doll, etc. and the amount of "chips" it would take to recieve that reward.

If they are really bad, then they may have to take away a chip for the bad behavior.

They really respond well to it. I let them add and take away their own chips so they are involved and can see that their actions, positive or negative control the balance of the chips.

It also helped me every time we went shopping as well. My kids want a new toy EVERY time we go to the store. It would turn into a whining scene every time. With the reward system in place I would just say "not today, when you earn enough chips we will come back to get the "toy". I would also let them know how close they were to getting it. It worked!

Consistency is the key. This can go on for a long time to teach them responsibility.

Good Luck.

Hi K.!

Yea, it sure is alot easier to just let him sleep with you, instead of the arguments to stay in his bed. I think that's why so many mom's allow it....including me. I had heard a "trick" to try, and after 3 serious months of trying, it worked!
Get out 4 quarter's and show your son all four of them. Show him that 4 quarters equal $1.00. At bedtime, put 1 quarter on his nightstand. Tell him that he gets to keep that Quarter if he wakes up in his OWN bed. If he doesn't wake up in his own bed, that mommy keeps it to try again the next night. If he wakes up in his own bed, then he gets to keep the Quarter, of course :o) After waking up 4 times in his own bed, then he will have 4 Quarters, and that turns into $1.00!!! They love that part of seeing a $1.00 bill.
I tried this when my son was 3 1/2 yrs old, also. It didn't work well, but it did introduce the whole idea to him. When he came and jumped in bed with me I would always ask, "Are you sure you don't want to try to get another Quarter?" Sometimes he would say "ok", and sometimes he would say "Not tonight". I was like... ok...is this really working? But, now he is 5 and has been is his room for quite some time now. We had a set back after moving, so we had to re-start in November. He's back on track for the most part.

It was a great idea that worked for my son, I just can't remember who told me about it!

Good luck!
:o) N.

"But I like you guys" What a sweety you have there.

This sounds exactly like what we went through with our first, while our second was on the way. After a few months of fighting it, much as you have, we simply told our son, 3 at the time, that if he wanted to come sleep in our room, he was welcome to sleep on the floor at the foot of the bed. He did so for about a week and a half, coming into our room at about midnight, blanket in tow, then it steadily dwindled. A month later, he was only coming into our room once a week or so, then not at all. I think this option, while it may sound cruel, was good for him. He was not forced away from us completely, and the transition was made easier.

Hi,
this is his way of telling you he needs you at night as well and needs to be nearby. The family bed is very common.
I slept with my son until one day he said I want to sleep alone and that was that.
Pay attention to your son's cues and put your needs aside for now and one day the self assured person he will become will reward you.

I had the same problem with my son. It started about that age, but since I was going through a divorce, I thought he was going through some type of anxiety. If I don’t get my sleep, I can’t function. He moves around too much so there was no way I could sleep with him. I realized that he fell asleep very comfortably on the couch if I left the tv. on for him, with no sound. He watched it for maybe 15 minutes and then fell asleep. Now he’s 10 and I finally moved his bed into the family room about 3 years ago. Turns out, he just doesn’t like to sleep in a room that is closed off from the rest of the house. I found out he didn’t like rooms with doors (I guess they don’t rest because they fear that the door may close) when he stayed the night at my sister’s house and asked to please sleep on the couch because my nephew had closed the door. The funny thing is, that my 50 year-old boyfriend has the same problem, as well as many of my other male adult friends. Who knows? Maybe more people would get better sleep if we changed a few traditional ways of thinking. It’s working for me, thank goodness! Good Luck.

Hi K.,
We had that same problem with our son after he moved into a big boy bed. And I too was exhausted and after a few months of trying to take him back to bed gave up. We tried sticker charts for rewards or candy in the morning if he didn't come into bed with us, but those ideas only worked for a few days and then he was back to climbing into bed with us. Until one day my husband had the brilliant idea to put the baby gate on our bedroom door. We put it on our door because Tyler was potty trained and if he needed to go in the middle of the night we didn't want him locked in his room. It was still rough for about two weeks. He kept coming to our door and would cry when he realized he couldn't get in. But it made it easier for me to send him back to bed because I was awake enough to do it. It would also wake up my husband and he was able to help with taking him back to bed where as before he would sleep through Tyler coming into bed with us. After the first week I could just tell him it was still sleeping time and to go back to bed. Then after the second week it was very rare that he would get up in the middle of the night at all. We still put it up, because he is such an early riser. But he now knows that at 6am he has to play quitely in his room until 7am. I don't know why I didn't do it sooner. I sleep great now and am a much better mom for it.

The reward/incentive system worked for my (now 4 year old) twins. And all it took was M&Ms. Before they go to bed, we established that if they stayed in bed all night (or, if they go to potty, went straight back to their beds), they would get a "treat" in the morning. It works probably 98% of the time. The other 2%, they don't get anything, and they know why. They come into our room when the sun comes up now and say "I slept till the sun came up - can I get a treat?" I let them retrieve 2 M&M's from a cute little container we have. That's all it takes. So, figure out whatever commodity works for your child and tell her about it at night so she has something to look forward to.

hi name is leeanne and guess what i have the same problem...sometimes it is pretty hit and miss.. we can go weeks without a little one in bed and then sometimes i will wake up to find him curled up at the end of the bed....i would get up to move him, but i am a very sound sleeper and hubby does not mind cos it is always me side of the bed...my only advice is don't yell and scream cos then it is harder for everyone to get back to sleep...by the way congrats on #2

You are going to have to take him back to his bed each and every time he comes in to your room. Until he stops getting rewarded for the behavior he will continue to do it. Simply get up walk him back to his room and leave. It may take a few days and you'll be tired but he should get the idea. Good luck