My 11Yr Old's Relationship with My Husband....

My husband jokes that our middle daughter (almost 6) looks exactly like me. At times he seems to be tougher & have a very low frustration level with her than my eldest (7) & youngest (3 1/2) who, incidentally, look exactly like him.

Family dynamics are always muddled -- biological or not. And I always tell my children that we were planned to be together from Heaven. Whenever my eldest becomes annoyed at me, my husband, my other children, I tell her that she agreed to be a part of our family from Heaven, so she needs to find a way to love us despite our flaws. We were meant to live, grow, and thrive together as a family in our house (wherever that house is).

Although my eldest is only 7 & we haven't hit the middle school years, I've taught children at that age. Children of all ages are intuitive & will play on our fears -- without meaning to. Your son is 11 years old and asking for alone time with mom. There is nothing wrong with that AT ALL.

However, on his Birthday -- I think there is something wrong with that. Obviously, he is annoyed with his dad for one or a multitude of reasons. Not inviting his father (who is in all sense of the words -- his father), is pretty insulting. "Take that dad." The words "family family" should bother you.

God has put you all together as one family & there should not be levels of "familiness." Just as my husband seems to favor the children who look like him over our one child who looks like me, it is unacceptable in what God has ordained as our family. Husbands, mothers, we need to examine what we say & do and if we unknowingly contribute to the situation. My 7 yr. old has taken to "listening" too well to our adult conversations. Not good.

I think for the well-being of your entire family, you need to spend one-on-one time with your 11 year old son, but not on the day he was born. That would most definitely solidify the normal rift between a pre-teen & his father. Also it won't do well for your relationship as husband & wife either.

Birthdays should be celebrated with family. However, that being said -- since your other son is quite young & won't really be aware of who is going where -- have you ever thought of having your 3 year old stay with grandma, and you & dad focus all of your attention on your 11 yr. old? That would be a thrill for him -- I think. And since your other son is 3 - -he won't really know what he is missing if grandma gives him ice cream & he plays all day. (If your other son were older -- I would never suggest such a thing -- because all the family should celebrate.) Also, since it is your son's birthday, I"m sure dad will try harder to increase his threshhold of tolerance.
Sometimes we get into patterns of immediate responses & a special day or outing might jar us out of that normal, daily dance or social pattern we have with our children.

Have your son choose another day for alone time. Talk to your husband privately about him spending alone time & cutting out the sarcasm. Sarcasm is meanness veiled in humor. The reason your husband uses it -- probably -- is because his dad used it on him. And, please, do not mention that your son wanted alone time with just you on his birthday - but alone time with "his parents." Men are hurt by what children do & say, but they are better at covering up their hurt.

Are some of your difficulties because your son was 7 when his dad stepped into your lives? Of course. But that doesn't change the fact, that God has planned it all out that way, and your son should know that. He's stuck with his present Dad & both of them sound as if they need alone time -- desperately.

As moms, we need to help our husbands (sometimes) by getting out of the way. We need to set the stage for a social outing with one child & then let the relationship go as it will.

There will be high points & low points -- but you -- the mom -- should be a catalyst to encourage positive experiences -- not a third wheel. I strongly encourage you to have your husband read Dobson's book about Bringing up Boys or another book where the author talks about the pre-teen boy. If your husband refuses to become educated about his rapidly growing son, then you read it and condense the material. Since your husband sounds like a good guy, any father would read a few pages of notes on how to have a better relationship with his eldest son.

(And as the mom, you have to live, think, breathe the fact that you are all together under the guidance and will of God -- and stop mentioning or even really -- thinking -- that because no blood is shared -- this should affect the father/son relationship. Your son is smart; in very subtle ways he has picked up this way of thinking & you have to correct him on it.)

I hope I wasn't harsh.
I find that, personally, lately, the mom (me) makes things worse when I over analyze a family situation. But when I really listen to what God seems to be telling me & unite with my husband on common ground, everything makes more sense & seems more clear.

Prayer changes things, also find time to include the family together so Your husband not be cheated as well. Some men fear the relationship with Your child. I am very close to my 31 and 27 year old sons and ,been married 2 yrs. and I had the same problem but I make time for my children and Grand kids because They are of me. Their dads are in their lives. Maybe get a Big Brother for Your son to spend time with and Your husband will change his attitude or even discuss getting some one for him from big brother because he needs to know that men are not all ugly they have a compassionate side as well.

this needs to be addressed right away. I was married for over twenty-five years and although my husband adopted my youngest child and said he loved her, he never really made her feel loved, and he never treated her like he did his own children,so naturally I tended to over compensate for the things she was laving and nurtucking from him He recently left me with no intentions of coming back because he says I always put her first. Now I am 58 years old and alone because I did not adress this issus long ago.If your son feelsleft out orneglected by your husband then he probably is. Just becuase your husband provides for him or protects him doesn't mean he rreally loves him. Find a way to work this out, go to couseling or you church or wherever you feel comfortable, but do it for your son and for yourself. I truely wish I had not just ignored the problem hoping it would get better, because it dosen't

Hi
I hate to say this because I'm only hearing what you're saying, but being that I've been in the court system and have taken 28 years of testimony in regards to bad marraiges, and bad treatment of children. But I can tell you that since your son is NOT his son and he DID NOT bond with him at birth, that this is the best it will be. YOU are your CHILD's ADVOCATE. And you better take your son's side over your husband's any day of the week. You better listen to what your son has to say and stand by his side with your eyes open. and your husband DOES NOT and WILL NOT ever love your son like you do. You're blood and he's not.
so, with that being said, you can call it to his attention, but you can't force him to be a dad to your son. He was on his best behavior in the beginning. You judge a man by how he treated his first wife, his mom, and his children. So, always be there for your son......Enough said. Now, yes, you need to spend mommy time with your son w/o the husband.
Good luck

I have a son who is turning 11 tomorrow and has had no contact with his biological father since he was born. I married about 2 years ago and had a son right before that. My husband is not affectionate with my son and basically sees him as an annoyance. I am currently separated from my husband and will be getting divorced, not because of that but it does play into it. You really need to sit down with your husband and tell him that he can not treat your younger son differently from your older son, have your husband sit and talk to him and if he won't then have your older son voice his opinion to his "dad". They may need some family counseling.

Hi S. B. now I want you to know that this is only my opinion and everyone has one soooooooooooooooooooooooo.....Now you said that your husband and son where close until you had your second child curious what is it a girl or a boy? B/C if it is a boy and all the attention has gone from him to the other child then there would be some type of problem, but you said that you have talked to your husband on how your son is feeling, but maybe your son has to talk to him hisself to make him see and understand how he is feeling. Let your husband know that regardless of what is said that he has to listen and look at it from his point of view. He can't get mad at what is said, but that he has to actually listen and hear him. Not just get down on him when he sees him doing wrong, but reward the child when he is doing good. Just tell him to talk to him and if that doesn't work or if he refuses try counsleing.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do, and may God Bless You!!!!!!!!

Wow, my daughter was 7 when I met my husband and 8 when I married him. She is 22 now. Similar things like the Dad not really being there except for $ etc, the playfulness sorta slowed down sounds all too familiar. Here we go: in our situation, I became very close with my daughter. We had "our time" and I made her special. I had her be my first son's Godmother. At her 16th birthday, just she and I went on a cruise without brothers, sisters and my husband. She even asked me to walk her down the aisle and her step dad and real dad were there. So I think you need to start a very special bond with your son. He needs to feel important. You will not change the fact that your husband is not his biological father. As for your husband riding him etc, I suggest that you discuss with your husbands that all major decisions about your son be discussed by both of you privately and You will ultimately decide the "punishments". Your son needs quiet time with his Mom too. Shopping, talking, out to lunch etc. He needs to know that you are still " on his side" and that didn't change, but, if he is out of line it will be dealt with too. (he will be a teenager soon :) ) He needs to feel that you are his confidant. Your relationship will flourish with him, and his self concept will become stronger instead of feeling broken down by your husband. Try not to make it "her side" and "his side" but both come to decisions infront of all of your children. My other children did not know my oldest had a different Dad until they were a little older to understand, but all were treated equally. (except for my special memories with my daughter: she knew I was always there)
Hope this helps. Good luck.
D.

Ask around, I bet there are many "dads" that ride their 11 year old sons. I bet 90% have "low frustration levels" with their sons (giological or not. It has nothing to do with "parentage" and everything to do with being a pre-teen.

You are showing your son how to respond to your husband, simply by saying "your husband" and not "his dad". Do you have to be biological to be a dad? I don't think so. But if YOU think so, then so will your son.

Love them both and know that this will pass.

B.
www.TheYummyMommy.com

Father images are very important in a young man's life. Your son may be feeling lack of attention. How are his grades in school? If this is effecting him with school work, this may turn out to be a big problem. I suggest a family meeting where everyone can express their thoughts and feelings without judging one another. Schedule fun weekends where he can also have some time alone with "father figure". If problems persist, I recommend some family counseling to help you get started on the right track. Don't let this get bigger than it already is.
Your son's feelings are real, communication and honesty is important to get the ball rolling.
We have come from a fatherless generation, don't let this generation get away with that.
my best to you, Ma

As a step-mom myself of three almost grown girls and having a daughter that "grew up" with a man other than her own dad, I can tell you that the best thing you can do for all involved is let it be as it is. Calling someone dad, doesn't make it so. Your son needs a male role model in his life and he has that, but the "hand you and he were dealt" is that it IS the two of you that are "family, family." Honor that. Perhaps your son would like for you to give him the freedom not to have to pretend that your husband is his father. Then the two of them could build a relationship that is more real and less burdened with other people's expectations. Conversely, your husband nor your three year old should have to alter their relationship because you have another child. True, families can "grow together" but you can not make people take on roles that are not real. My daughter will turn 18 in June. She was raised from age 4 to 14 by my second husband from whom I am now divorced. I am still actively involved in his daughter's lives; my three step-daughters. Out of respect for their mother, I have never allowed them to call me mom nor did I ever refer to them as my daughters. As adults they have told me more than once that they appreciate the fact that I have helped everyone to learn to respect their relationship in our extended family structure. Just honor each person for who they are in the larger picture...call them by what is real and allow everyone the freedom to love and build friendships as they will naturely progress. Try not to bring additional pressure into the mix; it will only tear on your heart. Good luck to you. And spend your son's Birthday with him -- just you! He NEEDS that!

You need to take this alot more serious then you are. If you are noticing your husband not being affectionate with your son and great with his own then of course your son is noticing it too. This can have such a negative affect on his behavior being rejected by two fathers. You need to sit down with your husband and tell him what you see and how he is treating your son. You need to put your children first. Seek counseling for the whole family and your son alone. If he is unwilling to change or even see how he is acting with your son then you need to walk away. Your son's wellbeing is more important then anything. He will do a lot better emotionally without your husband putting him down and not being affectionate to him. YOu can never tell how someone with act towards a nonbiological child until they have their own. Unfortunately, your husband is taking the wrong road. Children need to be treated equally. Of course you can have a special relationship with one that is different from the other but the point is you have a special relationship with the other too. Choose your son, stand up for him, do what is best for him too.

The best advice I can give you is also the hardest to do - family counseling. The environment that family counseling sets up allows your son to feel comfortable to open up ~ It may take 2-3 sessions before your son is ready but the best thing is that each relationship benefits from this.

Sometimes when a man gets married to a woman who already has a child, there are some emotions that exist. That is only normal and will take lots of time to change, but there are some things that you can do to help. First of all, I wouldn't worry too much about your child saying "Family, Family". That's his way of expressing and I don't think it's going to hurt anyone now. Basically that is only a symptom of another problem. It is very difficult to make a man interact with a child if he doesn't really know how or what to do. I would suggest explaining to your husband that your son needs a male figure right now in order to grow to be a balanced man. Ask him for some suggestions as to what you can do to help your son. What you're going for is for him to recognize a problem and for him to think up a solution. Men like to resolve problems. Give him time to think on this and perhaps you might see him interact a little more. You will probably need to reiterate this often just to help your husband to establish a regular interacting. Be careful, you don't want this to become nagging, he will withdraw. You're trying to encourage your husband and gently teach, not preach. Your husband is an individual and needs attention, encouragement, praise and trust.
These can be difficult to give when for such a long time it has only been the 2 of you (you and your son). I would also season these ideas with prayers. God bless you as you try to do good.

I have a blended family as well. I'd be lying if I said it was what I always wanted. Our situation is often difficult, but we are a family and we do our best. Allot of what you said sounded familiar to me. I was a step-child, and now am a step-parent. So, I've been on both sides, so to speak. I was desperate one night and scoured the internet for anything to help and I stumbled across this site: http://blendedfamilyfocus.com/ The emails that are sent out are very helpful, and focus on the whole family. There are other sites out there as well. I, personally, don't think there is one uniform answer for everyone. But I can tell you that although it still isn't easy, we are closer now than we ever have been. I wish you the same, and more.

Hi S.,

I am a mother of 4 - My Husband had a 5 year old (whom my husband has sole custody of)& I had a 2 year old when we met. We wed 2 years later. I could not love our eldest son more if he were my own and my husband loves my daughter like his own, we also share a set of twins. I am sure that your husband loves your son - it is impossible to raise a child and not love them with every ounce of your soul. ( I disagree with everything one of the other responders said) You are a family & everything wrong should be worked out as a family. You can not chose your husbands side or your sons side all the time. Each instance has to be weighed. My husband and I work things out together & never look at it as sides, we have 4 children together and treat them as such not his, mine & ours. That way of thinking and behaving will tear apart your family.

You and your husband need to discuss this issue in depth and figure out a game plan & also involve your son. Everyone should have a say & work out feelings & actions.

Please remember you guys are a family of 4. However alone time with each parent is a normal & healthy thing. Never feel bad about spending alone time with your children - maybe your husband and son need more bonding time alone. Remember kids even our own kids go through phases that we do not always like & so do parents (Adults) - I am sure everything will be resolved in time and bonds will still be there.

God bless & I will pray for your situation.

Good morning, S.~ ok ,this might sound corny, but have you ever watched Nanny 911? One thing I've picked up from watching that show is the importance of both children and adults to "use their words." Personally I'm going to try and teach my daughter this communication skill to keep our lines of communication wide open. Maybe it'll take your son "using his words" with "Dad" for it to really sink into Dad's head that this is an issue. It might also help your son just by getting his feelings off his chest. Sounds like he talks to you about it, but by telling the source (dad) it'd be a more effective way to ease his pain. I wish you the best of luck and hope you have a great day!

S.,,if it is possible maybe talk to your husband about the boys feelings they do matter. and maybe your husband just feels a bond now to his own blood son, being a step parent is never easy , i have been there twice myself. maybe you all can spend more family time as you can together so your first son does not feel like he is left out . it sounds like you have a good husband maybe he just lost sight of the boys feelings after you had a child of his too, maybe not even intending too, but it can happen. i wish you all the best, make sure you and your husband always make time to for yourselves like a date night or special time now and then, but then always make a family time too, both are important, god bless you,, always joann4999

Dr. Laura would say "that's what happens when you remarry with minor kids in the house".. I will just say that I think your son is normal! (so would she). He is 11 and understands that he is not the same as your 2nd child (relative to his relationship with your husband). This doesn't mean that your husband doesn't love him... but your son understands that there is a fundamental difference in parentage. He doesn't need therapy or anything... he is accurate. I don't have a good answer, except that if your son wants some one on one time with you for his birthday, why not give it to him? Your hubby can have some one on one with your 3 yr old!
Your son will be appreciative of not having to "share" you for those few precious hours... something he hasn't had for a long time... So I say, take him to Discovery Cove, just the 2 of you, and then plan to all meet for Pizza or something later on.. much later... Make the day a celebration of your son! Just you and him go out for breakfast! then to Discovery Cove, then take him shopping for a new shirt/ball cap/backpack/CD or something (doesn't have to be expensive).. then everybody (hubby and 3 yr old included) meets for pizza at 6:00 at a place of his choice! There is no harm in letting him have a DAY! Hopefully your husband won't be offended, and will enjoy the opportunity to bond with the little one. (Dad's can be surprising in how creative they can be).. Then when you are all eating pizza you can share your experiences... (just don't share confidences that you shouldn't).. Don't focus on making your husband into your son's father. Just focus on it being a special day for your son, and have fun together.

You have gotten a lot of great advice on this so far. Great job other moms!
It is going to take time and patience. Your son's age has a lot to do with how he reacts. Your husband's behavior plays a major role. You need to figure out which one can be changed easier. I would say the husband. He's older, he should have a more developed brain.
The lady that said that he will never love him the way you do is absolutely right. You had him from the beginning. You created him. Even "real" fathers that were there from day one don't love children the same way the mothers do. But that doesn't mean that love won't exist.
What really needs to happen is that your husband needs to learn how to communicate better with him using more respect instead of sarcasm. I would suggest a family counselor or pastor if you're a church woman. I would go alone the first time to explain the situation. I would send the husband alone next to discuss his role. Then the pair of you should go the next time. Then add in your son. Either with you two in the room or alone. Maybe a combination of both over time.
Sometimes (a lot) when a wife is talking about changes that need to be made... the husband will completely go on the offensive and not hear anything you say and interpret it as "she is just mad". Your words may not be getting through so find someone who can.
I would suggest as well to get the two of them into some kind of activity. Karate classes, boy scouts, golf, fishing, etc. Something that fathers and sons bond over. Let them gain some common ground together. It won't solve all their problems, but it will give them some time together and hubby may end up seeing a different side to son and get take more pride in him.
Parenting is tough regardless of biological, race, ethnicity, gender, age, etc. No one has an easy go of it. We do the best we can with what we know. My advice is to "know" as much as you can. Read books, talk to people who have been there and arm yourself with the tools to love effectively.
You sound like a great mom! Keep on doing the good stuff!

Hi S.,

This story breaks my heart because this was me as a child, I was in your son's position and it still makes me cry to this day. The only difference is that my stepfather hated me. I always felt 2nd best to my stepfather and younger brother(the child from my mother and stepfather). I know my mother tried to do a little extra for me but it seemed like it came more natural for my brother, if you can understand that. I think you should take the time alone with your son and try to look at the situation from his perspective as a child. Children remember a lot of things from their childhood and I would hate for your child to look back at his in a negative way. I think he is calling out to you and you need to be there for him. This may just be a phase and he maybe he needs confirmation that you will still put him first. Dont miss the opportunity to comfort him. I think the family, family statement should be taken seriously because he is trying to tell you that you 2 have a special bond,- a before the new daddy and baby bond. Dont break it, be there for your baby.

I went through that similar ordeal with my current husband and my oldest son. Justin was almost 7 when David and I started dating, everything was great. We went through the whole honeymoon period as well and life was really great. Then Justin hit around 11 and things started going down hill with my son's behavior and my husband always riding him about everything. I was the ref and I hated it. I wasn't going to tolerate that kind of treatment for my son. My husband is the most wonderful man on the planet, they just simply didn't click and didn't for many years. Then as quickly as that arrived, it left. Justin is 19 and they get along great. They train for marathons together, Justin talks to David about things he wouldn't talk to me about and they really get along.
I said all of that mostly to say that my husband doesn't deal well with the teen years ranging from 11 to about 17/18. That's a long span, but he just doesn't know how to deal with them and their little quirks and changes. They look and seem to be older than their minds really are and he just doesn't know how to work with that.
So, maybe it's just the age and not the blood differences. Even though that plays a large roll in general. They are really both acting pretty normal and I know that makes it even more frustrating for you.
I would totally do the birthday thing with just you two if that's what your son wants to do for his birthday, hello it's his day. If your husband complains then tell him, look you are always on his back about everything and he wants to go and have a good time without worrying about getting griped at for something. Plus, the 3 year old steals the attention as well and then it ends up being a Big family deal instead of his birthday deal.
It'll work out, don't force them to talk to one another to work it out. They'll work it out on their own. They are guys they communicate totally differently than women to women or women to men.
Good luck

We sound like we have a very similiar problem. I have a 14 yr, and 12 yr from previous marriage. Then a 1 year old from current husband of 8 years. My husband favors the 12 and 1 year old. My older son has gotten to the point he is hurt but turns to his real dad who is absent most of the time and this creates so much tension in our home. I am constantly mediating. I talk to my husband and he changes for a while then my son starts acting out anyway. So it goes..... I give my older son extra attention and so do my parents. Luckily, he tries to win his step dads graces by making supeior grades in top level classes and it works. I worry about the future ..high school and rebelling. I have had them both in counciling. Didn't work that well and tried 2 good councilors. I have given my husband Dr. Phill's family first book, that worked best but still issues. Sometimes I am very sad and find myself counting the days until my oldest goes to college, because of the tension. Then I feel so guilty. I can tell you one thing. My neighbor has a boy 17 and girl 20 and her and her husband ( father of both kids) had the same problems. The father favored the boy. So that helped me alot because I know it isn't just my fault for getting married again. So much Guilt! Is it always a mother's cross to bear? I am interested to find out advise however, I am cautious to listen to anyone who is not in a similiar situation as this is not something easily understood.

Hi S.,

I'm sure that you'll get a lot of responses to this, but I can tell you as a child of a divorced family that you should absolutely respond positively when he asks to go someplace with just you. I don't know what his motivations are for asking, but it's very important that he gets time alone with you. I remember asking my dad for this as a child (about 7 or 8) and that he refused to take me places without my stepmother. This made me feel that I was forced to have a relationship with her, but more importantly that I had lost my father's one-on-one time. My stepmother and I now get along very well, but that did not happen until I was in my 20s. This is partly due to the nature of my parents' divorce, but I think largely to the way my father handled the situation. If you push a chiild, especially a smart one, they often push back.

That said, you still have to live together, right? It may be that your son does resent your husband's presence, but HE IS THE CHILD HERE. The responsiblity lies chiefly with your husband, and he (to be frank) sounds like he is acting somewhat childish. If he cannot effectively, and lovingly, discipline your child, then perhaps this is something that you should do without his help. Of course, always consider his point of view and weight his opinion into the situation, but ultimitely you need to step up and make the decisions for your child.

I think you need to have a discussion with your husband about what is appropriate behavior towards your eldest son. If that doesn't do the trick, maybe a family therapist can get through to him. If he really doesn't "get it" (and I know what you mean) it may be that he doesn't want to put the time into "getting it," in which case you have to remember that your first loyalty is to your children and get your son some help in dealing with this situation. I wholly disagree with other posters that you should just "let them work it out on their own." That may have worked for other families, but you never know how your son may react and it sounds as if he may be keeping his feelings inside. I did this as a child (also because I didn't want to anger my father or hurt his feelings) and this resulted in an all out explosion at the age of 19, where I said some horrible things to my father and my stepmother. I feel that if you ignore what's going on, it will become worse, especially as he grows into a young man. My husband had a similar situation and began to lash out at this age, with some really bad consequences; his mother did nothing and the situation continued to deteriorate. He still deeply resents his stepfather and has some serious issues with his family, including siblings. Sometimes these situations, especially between a man and boy, can even get violent, so take care of it now.

I hope my advice is helpful and not too harsh. I know how painful these situations can be.

I've personally been through this on the receiving end (your son's end). I am now 28 and still remember not living up to high standards. Mine was a bit worst since I was abused mentally and physically. I was called stupid, dumb, retarded, etc. What ever words he wanted to use that day to demean me.

I don't get your statement:
"I've asked my son why he doesn't tell his Dad how he feels and he says he's either afraid of his anger or afraid of hurting his feelings. I have talked to my husband about these things, but I don't think he truly gets it."

Why would you expect your son, who is ONLY 11, to ask an adult this?? It sounds like you are expecting him to accept your marriage, not the other way around. Do you honestly blame him for being afraid?

I really feel for your son!

Dear S.,
I am a Christian, so my answer will reflect that way of life. The man is supposed to be the head of the household, which means he has the position of leading and protecting his wife and the responsibility of nurturing his children in the Lord without provoking them.
Part of the fall of man is that man then wanted to satisfy self. Once the fallen man accepts Jesus for eternal salvation, he still has to learn, through deep study of the word, how to live this new life. Sadly, it seems, that few men have studied this well, nor have they been trained by other Godly men to carry out their responsibilities to the Lord in family life and to do what keeps their family in a loving situation.
If your husband would take the challenge, he would probably have a hard time finding a great mentor, but he can find his answers in the Scripture. Remember, that in studying the Bible for answers, that the Law is fulfilled in Christ. We are not under the law, but under grace for our salvation and daily walk. Grace is the only way that the Lord deals with his children today. There is still human law and it must be observed, and there is still family law, as such, in that there must be rules, and they must be enforced, but family law is based in grace. I see continually that men are floundering in this area. It is the man who is responsible for the home. It is the man who first needs to get it together for the leading and protecting and growing of the family. I expect that your husband is a very wonderful man, but if he does not get this one thing right, the family suffers immensely.
Your son is old enough to sort out feelings and understand rejection. He is not simply asking for more time with you, he is asking for emotional safety. Please do not let this become a power struggle with your husband as that will only exacerbate the situation. Reconcilation, no matter how large or how small the problems are between your husband and your son, is essential and it must begin with the leader.
So often the leaders are still little boys themselves and this is sad and even heartbreaking, but whether one got what he needed as a boy, he must go to the source and get what he needs as an adult so that he can pass that on to his children. This is the proper way.
The answer is in being "in Christ" and letting Him live out His ways in us daily. It is a daily giving of self and it is a concious giving of ourselves to this worthy way of rearing a family. The husband will be a happy man when he takes this to its intended purpose..

Your post has got me really thinking this morning. I just ate breakfast with my daughter and found myself mulling over your dilemea the entire time! I come from a crazy amount of blending in my family. My folks divorced when I was 3 - it was just my brother, mother and I until I was 10 when my mom met my step dad. My dad remarried when I was 8 and went on to have 2 more children. Unfortunately, i grew apart from my father some due to me not living in the house with them and I guess you could say a bond was formed and a sort of new family took place. However, my stepdad is another story. My mother never forced him on me in anyway. I never even thought he was dad - I already had one of those. While I was growing up, i can not even say that he really took a huge interest in my life ie I cant remember him driving me to dance classes and stuff like that. But he was wonderful to my mom and us and that meant a lot to me (it is funny what you know at 10). My mom tried really hard to never sway from being my mother. There were times I felt abandoned and desperatly wanted to be with just my mom (yes the feeling I felt WAS she was family family), but I knew every day that she loved me and that my mom would never have made the decision to marry my step dad with out having my best interest in mind. Anyway, what formed out of this was a beautiful relationship between my step dad and I! I am now 30 years old with a 2 year old and my stepdad is papaw to her. He loves her and takes care of her! It is like I am lucky enough to get this man in my life that is not my "dad" but this really great extra person that loves and supports me!

I hope that this helps. I just had to share my experience with you. Another thing that i do want to add is that I have seen a lot step dad/son relationships struggle. I think that a man has a need to take care of his mother even at a very early age and then when another man comes in there is just a struggle. Just do what you can to love them both. This is a hard one.