Marital Issues - Not Sure What to Think - Need Advice

I would certainly start with the employment issue. My husband is in the auto business, and while it is certainly a dark time for the automotive world, it is also getting a lot better than it has been since 2006. Why hasn't he started looking for a job?
The cigar place. I would wonder why he needed to go so many days in a week, and why he has to stay so long when he does go. Have you thought of the possibility that he may be having an affair? That was my first thought when I read this, and the thought grew and grew the more that I read.
He is trying to make you feel guilty for some reason, trying to focus any sort of "blame" off of himself.
Good luck.

You have a right to be angry and upset. Try getting a babysitter and to out as a couple and try and make friends that both of you have together. What does his ex-wife do? If he cannot or will not find a job, the children are old enough for her to work somewhere and contribute to the child support.. In fact, they should be able to help pay for part of the vacations they take with you.

Plain and simple, you are being USED.

You are the sole bread winner and paying for HIS child support?

I don't care if he was flipping burgers at McDonald's HE has a financial responsibility to HIS teenagers - NOT YOU. He needs to work ANYWHERE to help meet HIS obligations. Why not get a job at the Cigar place? If he wants to spend so much time there?

I recommend a book entitled "The Sociopath Next Door." Written by a world renowned Harvard psychologist. It provides awesome insight into the mind of narcissistic behavior and sociopathic tendencies. There is a story in there that is exactly like yours.

Please get a counselor to help you sort through everything. You have also suffered a lot of recent loss with both your parents gone and I'm sure the thought of losing even this free loader husband is too much to think of.

I'm sorry for you. You sound like such a hard working and reasonable women and to be treated with such blatant disrespect towards your family and personal needs is NO place to be. You have worked too hard to come to this kind of senseless place. I'd be fuming too.

First let me say, I am in complete awe by all that you do. I am sure you love your job, but wow, you are really an amazing and strong person..

I get the feeling that your husband is depressed. A person that is depressed does not necessarily sit around weeping, but they do kind of shut down on their regular responsibilities.. even to the point of not really wanting or being able to take a shower and dress for the day, much less, clean and be totally enthusiastic about any other responsibilities.. He needs to see his doctor and get counseling and probably some meds, just to help him get back on track.

It is great that he is taking care of your child, but is he really interacting with her? Do they have some sort of schedule?

I have not had a full time job in many years.. What I have done is made a fair living with lots of different businesses that can call me as needed and also doing my own jobs.. Your husband could be at the point that he cannot face being rejected.. That he does not think making $10. an hour is worth his time.. But in reality, he needs to start somewhere..

He also need to quit spending money you all do not have.. I do not spend money unless, I have earned it myself for extras like going out with friends.. etc..

I can also tell you, if I had child support to pay for my children, I sure as heck would not expect anyone else but myself to be paying that.. That would be my own self respect thing.. I would do and work in anyway to pay that myself. I would sacrifice to make that happen.

Maybe consider in the future no more fancy trips.. You all need to save that money.. We have never gone on a big vacation with our child and she is now in college.. It is just not something we can afford.. We go within our state to places, but it is always on a very tight budget..

If your husband is not willing to go and get help, you have a huge decision to make.. Are you willing to continue this forever and quit being angry about it? Or are you going to put your foot down now and get your husband off his but and off the computer and have him start his life again?

He need as a push and a kick.. You do not deserve to be the one responsible for all of this alone..

I am sending you strength..

wow, what a difficult situation. first, kudos to you for keeping it all together, and for being so willing and accommodating to make things work.
he sounds like a good guy in a lot of ways, especially coming from a difficult family background, but i'm hearing a lot of suppressed resentment on his part. armchair psychology is annoying at best, but i'm thinking he needs some counseling for himself, not marriage counseling per se. there may be some jealousy deep down there for your education, work ethic, and coping skills, and it's also true that unemployment seems to depress men in ways that women don't understand very well.
that being said, it's not okay for you to be keeping all the plates spinning while he enjoys his cigars and puts all the blame on you.
it may be time for a wake-up call.
good luck!
khairete
S.

Financial issues are tough for marriages, especially in blended families when child-support is involved.

Perhaps he is harboring some sort of resentment towards you that you are still living there, does he get to see his children ever now that you all have moved? It's natural to assume he wishes you could move back to MA, and probably something you should consider.

So, he is basically a stay at home dad and child care provider. It is reasonable for you to expect him to take care of duties around the house.

I don't understand about your need to keep expenses separate. He is not working and is saving child care costs, so, why can't you also cover his gas and expenses? I, as a stay at home mom get things like this covered from my husband's paycheck, and we make much less than you. Is he blowing his money and that is why? If that is so, then you both need to sit down and create a budget together, one that includes his child care expenses coming out of his fun money and not out of yours.... as well as a set date in which he will take over paying for child support.

Often, men who go through unemployment tend to become lazy... a large part of that is due to self-esteem, ruts and depression issues. Perhaps he also has some sort of hidden embarrassment that you are more successful than he is. I would really encourage him to go to career counseling and start the process of job hunting now. it may give him some drive. He can start by updating his resume, nailing his power statement and interviewing skills, networking on the community level, joining linked in, applying for jobs online, as often it takes a month or so anyways to hear back from many people, so if he prepares now, he will be ready after your Disney trip.

My church offers career counseling and workshops for free to anyone interested. You can find a center near you here, or at least get some helpful resources here:

(about the career workshop)
https://www.ldsjobs.org/ers/ct/stakes---wards.jsf?name=th...

(tips to get your hired)
https://www.ldsjobs.org/ers/ct/stakes---wards.jsf?name=jo...

I agree, he spends a lot of time at the cigar shop. Perhaps you can make arrangements prior to his leaving with set times you will each be gone doing errands and such. Try not to argue with each other, but come up with a way in which the both of you get an equal amount of down time like this.

Also, spend more time together. Refocus on your marriage and try to have a weekly date, even if it's just something simple at home.

I think marriage counseling sounds like a wonderful idea, to kind of help him understand what everyone's roles are and to help with communicating and his issues with being a bit of a mooch.
------------------------------------------

Read your update. Sorry, all that sucks. I do agree, he needs a list of expectations and the dates in which he has to get it together (what he does around the house/fun money/getting a job/paying his own child support) on you being firm on them.

First: Cancel and cut up his credit card.
Second: Tell the man to get a job and give him a deadline. He needs to pay the child support, not you.
Third: Stop paying that child support - it's his support, not yours.
YMMV
LBC

Wow, you are certainly doing too much. Your husband really needs to seek counseling. Most men are socialized to be the breadwinners for their families and when they lose this position it is a big blow to their self- esteem. Making money is equated with manhood in our society and when men are unable to do this they sometimes feel as if they have lost their manhood. As one of the other moms said, he is likely suffering from depression and low-self esteem as a result and needs counseling for this as well as to get back in the job market. And you need marriage counseling because he is hampering your communication as a couple and is not offering the emotional support you need and deserve.

That being said, that is no justification for him taking advantage of you the way he is. It is absolutely wrong that you are paying all the bills, in addition to his child support and leisure activities, and that you still do a significant portion of the domestic work with little "me time." Unfortunately you are enabling his behavior. And it's easier for me to say this as an outsider, but at the very least, you should stop paying for the expenses for his teenage sons to visit. Paying child support is one thing, since as his spouse you may be legally responsible for that, but the plane tickets and the vacations are not your responsibility and should be out of the question. If he can't pay for them then they shouldn't go. Perhaps you should consider a shift to spending cash only, that way he doesn't have an opportunity to charge up additional amounts after using his allowance. And if he won't agree to counseling you should still go by yourself because it seems as though you are letting your love for him cause you to settle for far less than you deserve.

DVMMOM - I honestly think you hit on something when you mentioned counseling. It will help you sort through your feelings on the issue, and with any luck will help your husband too.

In my amateur opinion he sounds angry (possibly depressed) and passive-aggressive. It's almost like he's giving up and forcing you to deal with just about everything involved with the functioning of your family. Given his childhood it is not surprising; on the other hand, it does not excuse the behavior.

You've got some positives in your column (a good job, nice home, healthy child) but I don't blame you for being frustrated with the situation. There has to be a way that you guys can strike a better balance in your relationship. It will be so much better for him, in the long run, if you can help him get to the root of his issues (not that I would actually come out and state that objective). When he heals you will all heal in a certain way. This may be a golden opportunity to "right" the ship.

Good luck - hang in there.

Sounds like your an awesome mom and wife, doing what you can can to keep the family afloat. Sounds like he may have feelings of inferiority and depression and is taking them out on you. I agree with him that it must be hard to live in a new state and not have any connections with friends or family. But he needs to find an other way to meet people other then a cigar shop. I would encourage him to find a job, anything at all, just to get back in the swing of things. As far as financially I believe that a husband and wife are a team and whats mine is yours kind of thing. However, he needs to be contributing something even if only for his self esteem. Unfortunately, many families are feeling your struggle with one of the bread winners being out of work. Your feelings are justified and he needs to stop blaming you for his unhappiness and figure out what he needs to do. I hope everything works out for your family. I would encourage him to see a therapist about his possible depression as well as to make peace in your marriage.
L.

I have a few thoughts that may apply:

Men as a group exhibit less "responsibility" for the day-to-day tasks required in keeping up a home or raising children (yes, moms, I know there are many exceptions, too, and I'm married to one of them!). This is partly cultural/historical, partly hereditary/hormonal patterning, and in your husband's case, he probably has the additional disadvantage of not having a good male role-model growing up.

This is not really an excuse if a man is motivated to be a good partner and parent. That motivation may be hard to come by, and your husband may also be mildly demotivated and even somewhat depressed by losing his job and facing a difficult economy.

Sometimes motivation can be achieved through reason. Sometimes it takes a bigger shock, perhaps the prospect of losing what one has. Sometimes couples counseling will shift the dynamic.

In the hope that reason will do the job, you might approach this in a logical, linear, "male" fashion. One way would be to make his/her lists of what each of you contributes to and takes from the union: a list for time spend with the children, one for jobs/time around the house, a list for time/expenses drawn from your mutual life for personal interests/recreation. A list of the financial reasons to stay/move, and perhaps the actual friends available to each of you in the different locations. There may be other comparisons that would be appropriate, too. The imbalances will be harder for him to deny if they are all there in black and white.

It sounds like you've been pretty relaxed and generous, and the situation has gradually become worse until it is intolerable for you. Since the slippage was gradual and the adjustment will have to be more abrupt, your husband is resistant, and possibly in pretty deep denial. That is understandable, but does not begin to meet your legitimate needs. So make an additional list that brings your needs into focus. He will surely talk about the need for friendship and male support, but you have a mostly-unmet need for personal time, too, so that discussion should lead you right back to your lists.

I don't envy your situation – I wish you positive movement!

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Thinking of you,
Dawn

One of my best friends from high school has these same issues. She is bright, attractive, smart, funny, and hard working. She married a vain (they met modeling) lazy man, and she has chosen to put up with it. They live on a very tight salary (I think around $40,000/year) while raising a daughter. She also pays child support for his son from a previous relationship (which he won't even visit or have contact with).

A day at their house goes like this (or did before their daughter went to school)...
6:30 Mom gets up and gets baby fed and cleaned up.
7:30 mom starts working (she works from home and both dad and daughter hang out elsewhere in their "townhome" while mom works)
11:00 - 12:15 Mom prepares lunch. Dad takes lunch on his own that mom prepares to get a break - sometimes he goes out for lunch just to get away.
12:15 after mom cleans up and finishes she goes back to work on computer
5:00 Mom needs to be done with work so dad can have a break - usually to golf
6:45 Mom HAS to have dinner done
7:30 mom cleans up and works around the house while dad hangs out with friends, or watches tv

Mom does all nightly cooking and cleaning because he is so busy "entertaining their daughter during his work hours he doesn't have the energy to help run the house."
Mom pays all bills, his child support, and provides him with spending money for his expensive hobbies.

Flash forward - daughter is now 9, (going to school for the past 4 years), and dad is still at home.
Dad has taken real estate courses, and now has his real estate license...but declares he cannot do real estate until he has a "status vehicle" to drive clients in (on $40K a year they can't afford another car, especially the Volvos, Mercedes, and BMWs he "needs to do his work").
Dad has a culinary degree, but doesn't want to work nights and give up what he now calls "family time."
In fact, dad has (I think) about 4 or 5 degrees or licenses that would provide him with numeours jobs. Dad has decided that no job can afford his vast array of skills and experience, so is not good enough...even though he hasn't had a job for over 10 years...all offers are never good enough.
Dad doesn't allow mom to wear make-up or spend money on appearance because dad has become so insecure.
He also made them move to Arizona...though all their family is in Wisconsin. I am guessing he knows if they were closer a lot of this wouldn't fly with family and friends. He refused to even fly back with their daughter until she turned 5 because she had an earache when she was two and cried on a flight home...and "embarassed him." Said he would not fly with his wife and daughter for their annual trip back to visit his family and hers "until their daughter can act appropriately."
My friend is amazing...but she would rather be married that throw the lout out. He brings nothing to the table, and they have been intimiate once in the last 7 years...Honestly, I view the relationship as more abusive than if he beat her. She puts on a happy face, and now doesn't talk about their relationship at all. It is a travesty that my beautiful smart friend doesn't have the courage to see that she deserves so much more. This can be your future...

Good luck...sounds like you have the world on your shoulders.

PS: Having tried the stay at home thing...it is harder than heck...way harder than my currnet job, which I love...but that is no excuse for not finding some sort of balance (and by balance I don't mean the house has to be spotless and he should do everything - gosh knows I couldn't pull that off when I was home). He really needs to get a job...even a minimum wage night job that can provide him with some spending money, an outlet, and a way to feel like he is contributing...even if it only covers the child support and his cigar habit...it is something.

I can feel that your really upset. I do not blame you at all for being upset. It sounds like your getting overwhelmed here. He needs to step in and help his wife! He needs to get a JOB first and he needs to help you without you telling him. He sounds like a defiant teen. I am sorry but if he is going to act like this I would close his CC account. Give him cash only, when its gone its gone, he can pay for gas and food with cash. I would NOT pay his child support either. NO WAY. Time to start putting your money away in the bank. I would make a lot of changes after you go to Disney. I would give him four weeks to get a job, act like a husband not a child I wish you so much luck!

Just a thought, is there something he wants to do in life. Like a goal of some sort. Maybe he can go to school and learn something he has always wanted to learn. He needs something to make him feel like a man. He seems to like computers. Maybe send him off to educate himself in computers? Then he to can get a great job! Just so you know, you sound like such a wonderful person. I bet you can make this work.

You are doing far more than your share in this partnership and you need to sort out expectations on both sides. It seems like your working arrangements and financial arrangements have just kind of happened rather than resulted from specific discussions (I don't know if this is true or not, just seems like there is resentment on both sides.) If a family decision has been made to have one parent stay home with your daughter, then the person working outside of the home accepts (without resentment) that there are family obligations (including child support, vacations, travel expenses of children from a former marriage, leisure time activities for both spouses, as well as mortgage, food, car, utilities, etc.) The person staying home accepts (without resentment) that they are responsible for more child and in-home duties (not necessarily all but typically much more) than the person who must spend several hours outside of the home working. The family unit mutually decides the budget and both parties live within those means. So it doesn't sound like your husband accepts his in-home responsibilities and it doesn't sound like he respects the family budget. On the other hand, while you've obviously been very successful at the breadwinner role, I think it's kind of demeaning to refer to your husband's "allowance" - just as I would find it demeaning if a husband referred to a SAHM's "allowance". (If you don't want him to act like a child, don't treat him like one.) So I think the first question is does he want to be a stay at home dad? It seems like you are willing to accept this as long as he is willing to accept the responsibilities that come with this. If you both decide this is what you want, then you guys decide specifically what that means to each of you (specific at home duties and child care responsibilities and sure he would have leisure time, too, but probably not taking off whenever he wants to the cigar shop for hours at a time). If he doesn't really want this role, then he needs to ramp up a job search even if it means taking something less than his previous employment (he may feel embarassed by this, but there's a lot of people in that spot right now). Also, while I feel your husband's pain of having left his family/friends back in MA, that ship has sailed and you guys have built a life in a different state that you just can't walk away from without serious consideration of the financial ramifications. If he can find another job that pays what you're making back in Massachusetts, then you have something to talk about, otherwise, you both have no choice but to stay where you are. You can't turn the clock back. Try to have a conversation with him that bans talking about what could have been/should have been and bans talking about resentments and just focuses on the central question of does he want to work again and do you want him to work again and then make decisions from there. Good luck to you - you are in a difficult spot and it is quite natural that your resentments are growing.

Hi!
While I do agree with a lot of what the other posts already say, I wanted to add a few points for you to think over. The first one is does your husband ever go anywhere with your 3 yr old daughter while you are at work? Why isn't he out meeting other stay at home Dads, and trying to forge friendships there. He obviously isn't the ONLY Dad in your area who is at home with his child all day, especially in this economy. He could make quite a few friends that way, as well as possibly get his name and face out there for future prospective job possibilities.
Second, you say you are in Michigan now? He used to be in the auto business? I am very surprised that he has not looked for and found some type of employment, even part time in that line of work. Michigan is all about the cars! (obviously depending on where you are in Mi, but still) Even a part time job would do wonders for him and you right now. It isn't just about the money. It would get him back "out there" in the working world, help his self esteem and again, get his name and face back in the right place when an opening does come up. Also, he would be able to meet others who have some of the same interests as him, and make some friends. Men have such a harder time making and nurturing friendships in general, so it is really not your fault that your husband does not have anyone that he feels close to. A lot of men don't have many close friends. (other than their wives) I am sure that part of his issue is he feels immasculated because of your ability to "bring home the bacon" so to speak, along with everything else you do. Please do not feel guilty about that. It sounds like he is having NO issues spending any money that you earn. If he had a part time job even, he would have a little more control over some of the money situation, and possibly that would make him feel better about himself. How do you work out things like holidays? Does he have to get money from you, or does he use his credit card and then have you pay it off for him? I know that one thing my husband used to HATE was holliday shopping for me since I was the one who had our checkbook, debit cards, etc. (I did the bill paying, so it made sense) However, for all the holidays he either had to get cash from me or use the debit card, (I don't have credit cards we use anymore except for 1 for only emergencies), and he felt like if he got the cash from me or used the card I would know how much he spent or even where since I was online balancing the account every week. In our situation, HE was the primary bread winner too, so HE had worked to earn the money that he was spending, it was just a matter of me doing the bills so I had the checkbook and knew how much could be spent, etc. I had never looked at it from his point of view like that before, but once I did, I realized that we needed a few changes. Now we have the same checking acct set up, I still handle the bills, (he would not remember them all and admits that), but he set an amount that he felt he needed to get through the week, for himself, for food, gas, etc. I give him that at the start of each week in cash. If he needs more, he either lets me know and I get it for him, or he does have his debit card, so he can get it from the atm if he needs it quickly. (we like to avoid this since he has no idea what bills are still out, etc so it's simply better for me to do it) I can only think of a couple of weeks that he actually needed more money for the week, and BOTH weeks he had worked overtime, so he was gone several hours more than usual and needed to buy dinner out. No dig deal! Other than that, my husband does quite a bit of side work, and also makes some money selling things that he gets and fixes up on his own time. He used to give me all of that money as well, for the "house" fund, for the family. Now, what we do is he keeps that money for himself, and does what he wants with it. If he makes a rather large amount, or if we are in need of something expensive, he may give me a large percentage of it to go toward whatever the family is in need of, but otherwise it is his. He has a full time job with good pay, and that is what he contributes to the household on a regular basis that I count on. This way, he has some money for himself, to be able to do a little something for me, a friend, or himself if he wants to, and even one of our 4 kids as well. He likes to be able to go out and pick up a bouqet of flowers for me on his way home on occasion to surprise me, and never could have before. If one of our kids is going out someplace, he likes to be able to hand them some cash on their way out the door. He doesn't have to say do you have enough money? No, well go see Mom. I understand that this is way different than what you are going through, but if I were the one without access to the family money and had to ask for money for everything, I might start to resent you a little. I am a stay at home Mom now, after years of working full time and doing the Mom thing at the same time. I still feel like I have worked a full day, and get tired and need a break. I NEED time to talk to my friends, and WANT time to myself to reset so I can be a good mother when I get back. I would not go to the extreme of spending 3 hours in a cigar shop, but maybe he is a bit depressed? When I am looking for adult time, and want time to reset and relax, I always look to spend that time with my husnad if at all possible. What type of things do you do together? DO you still go out or even spend time together at home doing anything? Last, because I know that this is VERY long, is that you said he likes to complain a lot. Does he ever have valid complaints, or does it seem like he is just looking for things to cmplain about? Some people are just pessimistic people, and love to complain about EVERYTHING. It's very difficult to deal with, because these people are also the type who will talk about everyone behind their backs. They will go out with friends or talk on the phone to them, and then the second they are away from them they start talking about the person saying things that are not very nice and makes you wonder if they even like the person to begin with. They can be toxic. VERY hard to live with! A lot of the time when they complain about others and say negative things about them, it is simply because they have such low self esteem that in their own minds they believe that they can make themselves look and feel better by dragging the other person down in the mud. It never works out though, so they keep complaining. I call it the Eeyore syndrome. It is also contageous. Be careful. That bad mood, complaining, and basically professional "victim" can and will bring you down along with them. I really and truly hope if this is your hubby that you both can go for some counseling. It can help you out, and it sounds like you still love him very much. :)

Marriage is a tentative dance of ups and downs and full of compromise. Sounds to me like he's living where YOU want, so he feels that you can bear the brunt of the responsibilities, including his child support (both of yours,really, as when you married him, it became a family bill).
I would ask him to go to marriage counseling as it seems to me there might be resentment on both sides going on. Good luck!

Certainly the employment opportunities for your hubby aren't that great in Michigan. You have a great job, I hope you keep. He does need a wake up call of some sort. It sounds like you are MORE than carrying your load. He is taking advantage and being a whiney baby! Unfortunately marrying someone with child support to pay, puts you in the hot seat. If it doesn't get paid, by him you do have to pay. I agree w/ you about moving back to MA. Sounds like you have enough mortgage debt already and have built a life here. Right now you are the breadwinner providing him with quite a cushy life. He should be waiting on you hand and foot...dinner ready when you get home, laundry, cleaning. He is the stay at home dad and should be behaving like one. Sounds like he is behaving like a teenager who gets stuck babysitting and doing chores rather than a loving husband who respects his wife and attentive father who is fathering, not babysitting. You have a loaded plate. I think you need to sit down with him and determine your boundaries, maybe down to a chart of responsibilities, outside activities, money etc . What the heck??...spending 4 hours at a cigar shop???? THAT is ridiculous, not to mention unhealthy! He is being a selfish little brat! Plan your conversation. It sounds like you really do love him, but are frustrated. Every relationship has limits, you need to voice yours. All the best to you, I hope this helps.

I have written you a short novel in response to your short novel :o)

Sorry but I giggled when he said he gave you a hard time because you gave him a hard time the night before. Sounds exactly like something my hubby would do!

I do not envy your situation. Sounds to me like he is really resentful of the fact that you get to have friends and family around and he doesn't. Until recently my husband and I lived out of state with no one around but each other. I stay at home while he goes to work. He made friends at work and there were times that I would resent him for it because I felt like it wasn't fair that he got to socialize with other adults while I was stuck at home with two toddlers.

In my head I knew how stupid it was but I couldn't help feeling alone. Things changed however when I actually did get a part time job. Perhaps his going to the cigar bar is his "escape" from missing his kids and what is familiar to him??? I agree with you that he is going WAY too much and for much too long. If he is going to stay out that long he could at least be courteous enough to go only once a week.

When it comes to money I always hate it when people say I pay for this and I pay for that and he/she doesn't pay for anything. You are married. You both own the money no matter who is working and who is staying home. Instead of saying he is spending your money I feel a better solution would be to sit with him and make a budget. I think it's wonderful that you are willing to help him with his sons so that he can have them in his life and so they can have him. Not a lot of people would be willing to deal with a situation like that. I commend you for that.

If you are going to stop paying for something I deffinately woud NOT make it something reguarding your step-children. If the credit card is becoming a problem with him going to the cigar bar then I would just tell him you are canceling the card and take cash out of the ATM at the beginning of each month. This again should be discussed as a couple and not thrown at him like a mother setting rules. The last thing you need is him turning around and telling you that you nag too much and act like a mother. Somehow men like to always turn it around on us and make everything our fault :o) The less ammo you give him the easier this will be for you.

It's hard to say anything about him wanting to move back to MA where his kids are and you wanting to stay here with your family. I understand both sides of that one. All I can say is stand in his shoes for a second and picture it if your daughter lived over 12 hours away and you couldn't see her any time you wanted. That's the one area you need to be extra sensitive about with him. Only comprimise would be to move somewhere in the middle! PA perhaps :o) But seriously, that would be heartbreaking for any parent.

As far as him getting a job, I would simply put my foot down and say a part time job on his part would not only get him out of the house but allow him to make those friends he so desires. As far as a schedule is concerned, he knows your work schedule and can work on your days off and you need to tell him you will be fine to take care of your daughter. If you need to sleep you will find a way. She'll be in school part time soon anyway right? Why not start her a little early with daycare once or twice a week? That will give you a few hours to sleep while he is at work. His not going to the cigar bar so much will probably offset the cost of childcare anyway.

Where housework is concerned, as a stay at home parent myself I can tell you I don't always have the house spotless and the laundry is NEVER finished. My husband does actually help me quite a bit even though it frustrates him. However, it seems like you are doing way more than you should need to like grocery shopping. He can take your daughter with him to the grocery store. Or instead of going to the cigar bar he can do the grocery shopping. That's where I would get most of my alone time when my kids were younger and not in school.

Best thing for you to do is to sit down with him and try your best to speak to him in a calm voice explaining how this all makes you feel. Don't come at him and say "you don't appreciate me." All he will hear is barking or clucking. (That's what my hubby calls it when I fly off the handle) Try to just ask him what is really bothering him and tell him you noticed he seems depressed and resentful and that you would like to help fix it. Write him a letter if you need to. I know it sounds weird but sometimes that's the only way I can get my husband to hear what I am trying to say. My tone doesn't get in the way when he is reading rather than hearing :o) I swear they have some sort of built in mechanism allowing them to hear only the first four words that come out of our mouths!

Ok, I don't know if ANY of this helped at all. But I do feel for you and I wish you all the best. I really do hope you two can work things out and that he can get out of his "funk" so you can enjoy each other.

Take care and God bless!

Everything is being done for him so why should he change. You are a soft-hearted woman and it is easy for him to take advantage of you by the guilt trips etc........... He is doing what he was taught at home. I have discovered through all my trials that we can not save all the lost kitties and people get in a comfort zone and will not change. So many times people can not venture out away from the way they were raised! You have got quite a dilemma on your hands. I could not handle this very long!!!!

I just want to know how a great gal like you made a decision to be with a guy like that? I am sorry, I mean no disrespect, just hurt to see great girls, smart, educated, I am sure beatiful... getting involved with guys that should be below their radar?

In my opinion, the only excuse a guy has not to be a provider or a major contributor finantialy is being a STELLAR father. Hands on, playing, educating kids, homeschooling, cooking, etc. while Mom makes money. Any other situations - no excuse for him, and no use for you.

A pet can be a graet companion...for less money...and no arguments .

Just wishing you luck.

You absolutely have a reason to be upset. Your husband has become a mooching free-loader.

You need to set up your expectations... doubtful he'd be so easy and free with money if he was the one making it, and also I doubt he'd be so understanding about you going over budget, using so much for your personal pleasure, and paying child support if it was YOURS.

Set a list of "Things To Do:" Like during the week -
Dishes MWFSaSu
Trash - daily
Vacuum/sweep - TRSa
Mop - TRSa
His own laundry - as needed

This way, There is a part of the daily chore you are doing too.

For every 3-4 hours he takes one day - you take for yourself the next day.

You tell him that you will raise his allowance slightly - but anything over that HE must come p with a way to pay for. Stop paying his credit card bills. Tell him he needs to get a part time job as a laborer or something to pay for his child support.