Major Bedtime issue....HELP!!!!!!

My son had these same fears at ages 5 and 6. It must be common to that age. What we did was I'd talk to him about what he was afraid of. For him it was bad guys or monsters coming in to get him. I'd tell him how there are none and he is safe and show him the doors are locked. I'd go through all the logical reasons why he didn't need to have these fears. None of that seemed to help at all. Then I started being silly with him..every night we'd talk about how if a bad guy did come (which he would not) the dogs would bite his butt and I would hit him on the head with a baseball bat and my son would say he would karate chop him and ....etc. He'd giggle and giggle. We'd line up all his stuffed animals around him and all his toy guns for protection (his idea). We left the overhead light on...bright as day. I'd sit with him and read him a story or read with him for a bit. Then I'd leave and he could read on his own if he was not tired but after a certain amount of time we'd remind him it was time to go to bed. I have to say he is 9 now...he does not have these fears...he sleeps with the light off and he goes to bed on his own.

You need a routine and you need to stick to it like glue.

You and he are interacting far too much, in too many different ways, for too long each night at bedtime. You mention that you and he listen to music, read, talk, watch the fish -- it sounds as if you have no real routine but are just hanging out in his room until he's so tired he can't help but go to sleep or until you just have to leave, and then he's upset. This is why he's up so late -- there is no "bedtime" but a lot of mom time, and that mom time gives him all your very focused attention.

He needs to learn that bedtime happens every single night exactly the same way, so he knows what to expect; knowing what to expect makes kids feel more confident and less insecure. He also needs to understand that begging you to stay up and "refusing" to go back to bed simply Do Not Happen. I know that fear is part of this, and you need to realize that this is going to take longer to handle because he has slept with you for so long but he needs to start sleeping IN his room and being treated more firmly -- which is appropriate for his age -- at bedtime.

I would talk to him in the daytime when things are calm and happy (not when he is upset about anything else, not when others are around, etc.) and talk about how he's a big boy and tonight you're both going to start a new routine at bedtime. Then do what you will start doing every single night at the same time -- bath, teeth, one short book that you read to him, lights out. Do not let the process drag on; do not engage in conversations that are about anything other than "Now it's time to put on the night light and when I put it on, I am going to be next door" etc.

He will call. He will cry . He will get up. When he does, walk him immediately back to his bed but do not talk with him! Do not engage him. The first time he gets up, you can say, "It's after bedtime. Time to be in bed." Then walk him back to bed, cover him and leave immediately. He has to learn that getting up, trying to interact with you gets him nothing he wants -- you must not interact; plead with him to go to bed; explain to him why he must go to bed; scold him if you're tired; or anything. Be boring, boring, boring when he gets up or calls.

It sounds as if he truly does have some fears and you want him to know you are there for him, but you also have an issue here with his getting a lot of attention at bedtime and even more attention when he refuses to go to bed; you have to cut off that attention by returning him to bed over and over. It could be dozens of times in one night, frankly. Can you do that or will you cave in and he'll end up in your bed?

Check out books by Jo Frost, the "supernanny" from TV. She does a lot with the idea of returning kids to bed and not interacting when they get up in the night.

Not interacting is not the same thing as denying his fears or making him feel alone if he's truly scared. You have a tough situation here because it's hard to tell how much is real fear and how much is the fact he's learned to manipulate you at bedtime by saying he's scared, knowing that gets your attention. You already know this, from what you say in your post. Returning him to bed lets him know you are physically there but takes away the interaction and attention he craves.

This will take a long time and you need to be really strong. You also have to take care not to let your own childhood make you give in to him -- you mention your own fears as a child and difficulty being away from your parents, but you are not "away" from him -- only in the next room. Both you and he need to focus on that.

My son was about 7 when we moved to a new house and he had a had time sleeping in his room.
The new house sounds were not familiar to him and his imagination just made things worse.
He ended up sleeping on a cot at the foot of our bed for 6 months.
I made an effort for him to 'make friends with his room'.
We moved the furniture around to his liking, and spent time in there reading, making a fort from his bed, made it the fun place to be.
Now he's 14 and could use a bigger bedroom (so we can get him a bigger bed - his feet are almost hanging off the end of the twin bed he sleeps in now) and he refuses to consider switching to another bedroom because he's so attached to his current room.
<sigh>
It seems like your son is saying things to push your buttons.
Saying that closing his eyes feels like dying - it's not something most 5 yr olds would come up with.
I mean - really - he's hardly dying, and 5 yr olds don't really know what death is - teens though young adults more or less think they are immortal and are more fearless than they should be at times.
Talk to him about how we all need to sleep in order to grow and develop and organize our thoughts and feelings, and since he's growing fast right now (and into his teens), he needs more sleep than you do since you are finished growing.
Sleep is a great thing, and in your dreams you can have wonderful adventures - flying, making friends with dinosaurs and unicorns, blast off in a rocket to explore the moon (don't mention anything about scary nightmares).
A good nights sleep makes you feel wonderful in the morning so you are ready for what the day can bring - playing, swimming, seeing friends, visiting the zoo, etc.
Keep explaining this to him till he gets it.
Have these conversations with him during the day and not too near bedtime.

I think you'll need to do a whole "rebranding" of bed time. You might try something like a chore chart. We got a calendar and every morning if DD stayed in her bed, she got to put a sticker on her chart. Let him know that after he gets to so many stickers he can get a prize. At the end of the month (or six weeks, whatever you decide) he should get a big prize... something he really really wants. It doesn't have to be a toy, it should just be something he really wants (play date, special treat, trip to Six Flags, etc).

You should announce the new regime like its a really big, fun deal... "Oooh... look, this is your new bed time routine!" You could try the "Now you are five years old. You are a big boy! Its time for you to sleep in your big boy room every night!" Maybe redecorate his room, or let him pick out a new bed friend, or even a new night light. We found it better to offer incentives as opposed to punishments, which only ended up in everyone awake in the middle of the night crying and shouting.

You'll need to shake it up and then stick to it!

We also got one of those daytime/nightime clocks where the light switches to "awake" when its ok for them to get out of bed. (They have them at TRU, they have a character who is either asleep or awake) But our problem was not with going to sleep, it was with staying in her bed. She would go to sleep and then at about 11p wake up and come to our room. At first we let her sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag, but we decided we wanted her to stay in her bed.

I would also say that I don't see anything wrong with continuing the co-sleeping... but it sounds like you are over it, which is also perfectly fine!

Good luck... it will be a tough road.

Major manipulation. Your going to have to do it very firmly. Bed time is bedtime. Get him up early by like 7 keep him active during the day. Supper, bath, story. Kiss and good night.

He gets up he goes to bed earlier the next night.

Does he have a tape player or CD player? Maybe a story on tape would help. I would cut out any video games that have violence and the same for computer and tv.

Other than that stop letting this be an issue. Your feeding into it and rewarding him by letting him back into your bed. Just say no and just like a baby has to cry it may take several nights of him crying himself to sleep before he knows your serious.

Do you think he's really scared or using it to prolong going to bed? My 5 year old also goes to bed around 9:30 - 10:00. However, I'm okay with that until he goes to Kindergarten. I get about 1/2 hr. to do stuff without him or relax at night, but some nights I go straight to bed too. I know, a lot of people would say to get him to bed earlier. He's never been one to require a lot of sleep though. It would just be hours of me trying to deal with him to get him to go to bed. He gets enough sleep and usually wakes up on his own usually around 7:30 a.m.. On weekends, sometimes we sleep in, which is really nice for me.
If you have mostly been in the same room, this'll be a transition. I would read to him a book or 2, but try not to stay for an hour. He's probably learned that you'll feel bad if he says he's scared. With a night light and reassurance he should be okay. I would occasionally get in with my parents bed as a kid. I just tell my son I can't sleep by him because I have to get up by my alarm clock. He gets it. He asks me if I have to work "the next day". Only rarely, will he ever ask me to stay with him. Does you son have a favorite blanket? My son get comforted by the way I tuck him in. Sometimes, he's call me back because he says I didn't do a good job. He likes his blanket that he's attached to, to go down first. I wish you luck!

I agree to set a routine and stick to it. When it's lights out, it's lights out.

If leaving the room really tears at your heart, you can sit in the room with him but DON'T ENGAGE. Don't lie in bed with him, don't talk to him or answer his questions. When you sit in his room, sit in a chair (or the floor) away from the bed. Be boring. Read a book. If he starts saying things like "I feel like I'm dying" then IGNORE the comment. You can reply with "It's time for sleep, no talking and go to sleep." Do not, under any circumstance, answer his comments with anything else. If he gets up, walk him back to bed (gently of course) and let him know that it's time for sleep. If he cries, let him cry. You are right there, you know there's nothing wrong (other than he doesn't want to sleep) and nothing is going to hurt him.

Being in the room may bring comfort to him and you, but it will only work if you don't engage with him. Please, ignore the temptation to answer his pleas. They are nothing more than him trying to get your attention. The drama usually increases, before it drops off.

The first few nights it may take a long time. Give it a week. It will take less time every night you do it.

My daughter has ALWAYS been very dramatic. If I responded to every crazy comment she made we'd all be in the nut house! One time when she was 7 she was sent to her room for something small and she drew a stick figure with X's over the eyes and wrote "I want to die." Yeah, she didn't want to die. Just drama. Mostly I ignore it and it has waned over the years. I also remember when she tripped in the grocery store and fell. It wasn't even a hard fall, but she started screaming that her leg was broken. Ahhh, the drama queens we have!

There are a few issue's I see here.

First I do think he has some fears, but I also think some of them are being enhanced by you, with good intentions, you're mom. It is very hard to see our kids afraid, even if those fears are unfounded, they believe them to be real.

Look into some books that can be read during the day, here are a few we have and my kids like.
http://www.amazon.com/What-Dream-Golden-Look-Look-Book/dp...

This one is big in my house right now.
http://www.amazon.com/Pout-Pout-Fish-Big-Big-Dark/dp/0374...

Or this one.
http://www.amazon.com/Franklin-Dark-Paulette-Bourgeois/dp...

Next a very specific bedtime routine, right now this is very important. As he gt's older this can change up for a bit with no problems, but you first have to at least have it established.

You also need to learn to acknowledge his fears, without giving into his fears. You have to much going on. Either pick white noise and a night light, or some music and a night light and leave it at those. Stop trying to find what will soothe him, stick to the same things.

Now I rarely recommend this because I think most of the time a child just needs mom to 'lay down the law' when it comes to nigh time issues, in your son's case though I think a lot of this is just his brain not knowing when to shut off. My 6 year old is the same way, and after many recommendations I decided to try Melatonin. It's natural, our bodies make it but for some their bodies either don't make enough or have they have the time frame off and need to be jump started.

This is the one my kids like best, my 6 year old isn't the only one who uses it, the others use it when they are having a rough time of it. The 6 year old uses it regularly. He can not fall asleep on his own, he can lay their for hours and hours without it. I give it to him a half hour before bed time, which is usually around 8:30.

http://www.walmart.com/ip/Natrol-Melatonin-Fast-Dissolve-...

Don't be afraid to try it. I really wished I had sooner and saved him and myself the heartache.

I completely agree with Leigh's response. Do what she suggests.

I know you mean well, so I don't mean this to be a criticism, but in your loving efforts to help your son go to sleep, by being so overly involved in the process you are inadvertently giving him the message that this is something he can't do on his own. By constantly soothing him through the bedtime/sleep process you are also inadvertently sending him the message that bedtime/sleep is a negative event which he needs assistance in order to be able to endure. Bedtime and sleep are nice, there is no need for soothing a person through it.

You are a very loving mom, so this is not criticism. But by treating your son like he can't do this by himself, you have ultimately caused this fear. It may take some time, but as Leigh said, start by talking to him during the day, telling him that he has nothing to fear, he's not going to die, etc., and what the new routine will be. The bedtime process, with books, kisses, talking etc., should probably be no more than 20 mins., 30 tops. And you really need to get to the point where you are not laying with him until he falls asleep. He's never fallen asleep on his own, that's a big part of the problem.

Does he have a night light? A lovey? He needs a really good lovey, if he doesn't have one, a stuffed animal, blanket, whatever, to take your place.

Good luck! Your child will be fine. You have to believe that learning to sleep on his own will not scar him. It's healthy and normal.

I like the way Leslie says you need to "rebrand" bedtime. That's a great way to put it, and I agree.

It sounds like you are rewarding him for acting this way. I know you are trying to be sensitive to his fears but I think some times the best thing you can do for them is to tell them sternly to knock it off. Assure him he is fine and that he is not dying and let him deal with it. He is a big boy. Every night he goes to bed and every night he wakes up in the morning. Having the same conversation over and over is not really helpful. Remind him you have discussed this before with him and he is absolutely fine. Go to sleep.😀

If it were me I'd want to sleep so the kiddo would be in bed with me and we'd both get our sleep. That's what is important to me.

The more you focus on him staying in his bedroom the more he's going to fabricate fearful situations.

He'll eventually want to go to bed in his own room. There is give and take here. If he wants to sleep in his own room then let him.