Kids or Not?

You are not weird for not wanting a baby. I think you can have a wonderful and full life no matter which way you choose. I have several friends that decided not to have kids. My one friend loves living vicariously through my experiences and loves my daughter like a niece. She and her husband get to travel and do all sorts of fun things. To be honest my husband and I were about to decide that we wanted to be a childless couple when I found out I was pregnant. I don't regret having my little girl and I couldn't imagine life without her, but you learn to live a happy life no matter what. I know we would of been happy as just a couple too. Ultimately don't let anyone make you feel like you are weird or missing out. And if you want to latter a lot of moms are in their late 30's having kids and there is always adoption if you are older when you want to have a little one around. Best of wishes.

I think that whatever you decide is good. I don't think it's wierd to not want a baby. I have friends who only have stepchildren. I have friends who have no children and don't want any. For myself, I always wanted to adopt an older child(ren) but haven't really ever cared if I birth one myself. So, I'm adopting a 12 year old. It makes the in-home parenting years a little shorter but there's nothing wrong with that. You'll have the whole rest of their lives to be the parent and friend after they move out.

On the other hand, if you really want to have the little tyke, there is nothing wrong with that either.

I don't think you are weird at all. The world would be a better place if people who felt they didn't want kids didn't have them. And it would be a better place if everyone stopped telling those people that someday, they'll look back and regret NOT having a child.
Sounds like your life is very full and not lacking in any way. Why mess with that?
I have several friends who chose not to have kids (O. is a stepmom, the other is not) and I don't think they regret their decision in any way, shape or form.
Too many people have kids without thinking it through and then are left to deal with the aftermath--after all, there is no going back O. you've had O..
Having a child of your own will rock your world in many ways. It's a big decision and I commend you for approaching it in a thoughtful, honest manner.

You can be quite happy without kids. My best friend doesn't have any by choice (she's now in her 40s) and leads a very happy, fulfilling life. She's able to pursue advanced degrees in her free time and travel all the time with her husband, which I envy. My husband's stepmom never had children and says she has no regrets.

I wouldn't worry about it if it's just not for you. You're already mom to two stepchildren, so you're getting the parenthood experience already.

I normally don't respond to questions like this but found your post so refreshing. I am a firm believer that every child deserves to be completely wanted and every child deserves a parent that is able to provide for them. I also believe that many adults could be great people and never have children. I have seen so many people have children because they they think that is what they are supposed to do. It is sad because they may not be 100 % interested in having that child. Although, I have one son of my own whom I absolutely adore and love more than anything in this world, I have ALWAYS respected the other side. My husband and I were married 7 years before we had our son (and together 11 years in total). We were always indecisive...do we want to or not? I went through a few "I want a baby" phases and he was not on board and vice versa. Magically..one night we both agreed that we did really want to become parents...and within a week I found out I was pregnant..so yes that means the baby decided he was going to be born before we decided to try....but I look at is as heaven sent. Amazing..we finally decided and he was already there.I always feel so lucky for this. When I read your post, I believed you when you said you are ridiculously in love with your stepchildren. It sounds to me that your mama need is already being met. You are not crazy at all..you are satisfied and sadly, so many others are not satisfied with what they already have. So they are crazy - not you:-) Good luck with whatever you decide....but I have a strong feeling you already know your answer.

S.-
I agree with the other moms. It's not weird and it's a personal choice. I guarantee you've got lots of parenting left to do with your step kids. I chose to adopt in my late 30s, so there are lots of options if you change your mind. My sister and her husband don't have any kids and they live a great life, and to be honest, I'm a little jealous that I can't buy the ridiculously expensive pair of shoes that I would die for or afford to take two weeks and walk Ireland with my best friend...etc. Happiness can be found both with and without kids.
You might also change your mind too! I did.
S.

It's not "weird" if you choose not to have children together. After all, you have two wonderful step children that you adore! It's a very personal decision - -one that must be considered by both parties. Don't feel guilty.

Having children is a wonderful experience -- one that indeed changes your life. I have two - -a 12 year old and a 3 1/2 month old that was a huge surprise, but a blessing just the same!

In addition -- women are having children right up until they are in their 40's! I don't know if that would be an option for you, but it's definitely something to keep in mind.

Pray about it -- either way, understand that you are not strange or weird!

I've known a number of couples who have chosen not to have children, and are happy and content, even into old age. They tend to choose their families, not give birth to them. Because of the circles I move in, it happens that all of these people are involved in making the world a better place for children everywhere. That's their calling, and they would be less able to answer it if they had to watch out for little ones of their own.

I know one lady who bemoans the day she became a mother. She loves her son, but he has health issues and so does she, and she has never felt equal to the task of parenting such a challenging child, although she was in love with the idea before she gave birth.

Whatever you choose, blessings to you. If you tend to your life with joyful energy, with or without giving birth to your own children, you will almost certainly be satisfied. And it sounds to me like you are probably there already.

happiness is different for everyone, maybe you are completely content without having had children of your own. maybe having one would complete the wonderful family you have already. it changes things for sure! i have a four year old a two year old and a 8 year old step daughter and am thinking about going for another. the martha stuart/joan cleaver lifestyle isnt for everyone, but i know me personally i wouldnt feel complete without them. i would love to further my education and probably travel. but one, i couldnt see myself seeing those things just my husband and i and two, i dont think those things would be very fulfilling to me. just remember its about who you are and what will fill your thoughts at night when you have time to think and ponder the decisions your have made. i hope this is helpful.

My personal opinion is that the worst thing you could do is to bring a child into the world when you don't want to be a parent. I think too many people do because that's what you're supposed to do.

If you love your stepchildren unconditionally and have a wonderful relationship with them, and it fulfills you, I think you have your answer. Having babies changes your life - it seems like a lot of people we know resent their kids for how their lives have changed without looking at themselves for making that decision.

At the same time, it's the best thing I've ever done - but, I've known all my life that I wanted to be a mom. My sister had her first just after her 35th birthday. She's a much better mother than we ever expected, but I think she would have been ultimately happier in life had she not had children.

I know you have tons of responses already - and I agree it sounds like your life is wonderful as is. I have a 14 year old step daughter (I've known since she was 4 and love her dearly). I also have a 3 and 2 year old with my husband. Our life is a crazy one but I wouldn't change a thing. It is very stressful to have kids "older" when your life is more established ( I was 36 and 38). Small kids to put a strain on your relationship as well. Do what you feel is right for you. The only reason to have a baby is because you want to more than anything in the world. If that strong desire isn't there - and you are truly happy and content - you've got your answer... which as you pointed out may change. Good luck!

You can always regret not having another kid...but you will NEVER regret having one!

Having a baby is a big deal that will change your life forever. There is nothing better if you are ready for it...but if you're not it will hurt you and the baby. You don't want to resent your little one.
Having said that, why couldn't you travel with your husband and your child? You could always hire a nanny to go with you so you guys can have time alone together. Or do you have family the child could stay with? I spent weeks at a time at my grandmother's house while my parents traveled--and I loved it. What I am saying is that having grownup adventures and being a mother are not mutually exclusive. It is possible to do both.
Bottom line is this: If you are really questioning this a lot then it isn't time. You will know if you want to be a Mommy. And even then you will have doubts/concerns because being a Mommy is a super big deal. You say you are in love with your step kids--having your own would create even more love and that's never a bad thing. Trust your gut and it will work out. But you are not weird if you don't want a baby. Kudos to you for searching your feelings. It will all work out.
J.

Maybe, hopefully, one of these step children will have babies some day and you can be a big part of their life as a grandma and that will help fulfill that part of you without having to have kids yourself?

There are so many things to consider. I'm sure you are trying to weigh all of them!

No, you are not weird. You have a lot to think about. I think it's very adult and responsible of you to consider everything before jumping in.

I can't really have a completely objective view of this, because I have 4 of my own children and wouldn't have it any other way. However, here are some things I think I would be thinking about......
We had our own "surprise" 7 years after we thought we were done. My older kids are involved in a lot of activities and trying to coordinate naps, bedtimes, eating on the go, and a now mobile 10 month old......is exhausting. The kids have expressed interest in going to a few movies in the theater - which we can't do because of the baby. They don't seem too upset about it, but I feel guilty. We had to move the older boys to a different room (in the basement) to accomodate the baby. It's a lot of stuff that I feel bad about. Mostly, though, the carting around of the baby to all the older kids things is the most challenging thing for me. If you have family/good friends in town that could take the baby so that you could have one-on-one time with the older two, that would be very helpful. Would your husband be able to help out a lot with this kind of stuff? Maybe your older kids don't have a whole lot of the extras, but if they don't now, it could be a different story in a couple of years;)

How do the 10 and 12 year olds feel? I know it's ultimately not their decision, but they will be affected by a new sibling. My kids were very happy with their little sister. I often ask them if she's worth it - the sacrifices we've all had to make. They always say yes :) However, if you do decide to have another baby, the older kids should be prepared as much as possible. "We won't be able to ......as much anymore" or "A new baby means a little more help around the house" or "Legos, pencils, small items will have to be off the floor" (that last one is a biggie in my house!!! LOL)

As far as the travel part, I hear ya. We've resoved to the fact that we won't have any "us" time for quite a while. Then again, what's a couple more years, right?

My husband and I couldn't do this, because we are INCREDIBLY fertile people, but you could do a wait- and- see apporach. Give yourselves a time frame and say that if you don't get pregnant in the next 4-6 months, for example only, it wasn't meant to be? Then be ok with whatever the results are and be prepared for the outcome either way. In my experience with friends who have done this, though, there's usually an outcome that is preferred.

I'm not trying to sway you either way, because it's absolutely your decision. Just know that you are not weird for not automatically wanting your own biological child. If you do decide to have a baby, I was 37 when I had my fourth, and women are having babies later and later in life with beautiful results. However, they will inform you of the risks involved and I eventually no longer got offended with being called "advanced maternal age" ALL the time!! :)
Good luck!

I never wanted kids and pretty well figured my biological clock was either broken or missing entirely. I really don't think it's weird to not want kids. They are wonderful, but they are a lot of work and responsibility and you have to give up a lot to raise them.

If I had never gotten pregnant (totally by accident) I would still be adamant about not having a child of my own. I never felt like I was missing anything and my lifestyle prior to my son's birth was one that really wasn't "kid friendly". I like concerts and shows and traveling and going out to eat....all the things that get harder to do when you have a baby.

Now that I have him, I feel like the sacrifices are worth it. It just means doing fewer things that I used to do, but with our family living nearby we aren't missing out entirely. Plus, now I look forward to re experiencing places that I have been through my son. :)

I'm a stepmom to three(14, 11 and nearly 9) and am asked regularly by women if I didn't want kids of my own. I always thought I'd be a mom, but was with my 1st husband from 30-36 yrs old and THANKFULLY didn't have kids with him. I married my current husband almost 2 years ago at 39 years old and became a very active mom to my stepkids. Turns out 3 kids is a lot of kids, especially at once!

My husband and I talked about having a child quite a bit, but our family works for us and bringing in an infant would be more than we're willing to take on. Since my husband and his ex share custody, it's nice having time for the two of us and we can focus upon the kids when we have them and have great quality family time.

My stepmom has a similar story and that's worked out so well, it's given me the best role model I could imagine.

NO, you are not weird and don't let anyone make you think you are.

For the LONGEST time, I never had a desire to be a mom. When I was about 32 is when I had the desire. We talked about it at length, discussed all the financial obligations, emotional support, the change in our life. We decided after 3 months of considering it to go for it. My thoughts were....if it happens it happens and we will be most blessed....if for some reason it does not happen...that is ok...we are still a happy couple.

I do not regret having my child and I do not regret that I waited so long to do so. It is a huge decision for you and your husband. You go with what is right for YOU and your husband... Don't let others make you think you are less of a woman or selfish for choosing not to give birth. It sounds like you have a great family.

Best wishes.

You are not weird and there's nothing wrong with not wanting a baby of your own. At 32, you really don't have to make that decision yet. I had my first child at 43 and the second at almost 45. Took me two tries to get pregnant with #1 and number 2 was a surprise. No need to worry and rush any decisions.

Nobody can say for sure how we will feel later down the road but it is not weird to not want a child. As long as you do not want one and he is ok with it enjoy spending the time with him and help raising his two kids. I know severl people our age who do not want kids, I cannot understand it myslef but being female does not make it wrong to not want kids of your own.. Haoppy with the current life is so ok if you are happy with it.

I'm assuming that your husband is divorced and not widowed so consider my advice in light of that. I think it is best for you and your husband NOT to have a child of your own because there are a 10-year-old and 12-year-old who need and deserve their dad's full attention for the next 8 years. If they've already had to deal with a divorce that has split their home, it would be so much worse for them to have to share their dad with a new half-sibling. And I think your idea of traveling once the kids are grown is a great thing! I commend you on the decision to love your two stepkids as your own and not feel like you have to give birth to be a great mom!

You can always be a great step mom to his children and it sounds like you are. But having your own little baby is a miracle and an amazing experience. I'm 35 and just had a baby. Best thing ever!!!! Very hard and emotional but worth it. Either way it is your choice. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Good luck!