Keep Daughter in Charter School or Return to Public

I would move on from the incident with your son. Seems like everyone else has. As for everything else, YOU are the mom, YOU are driving, and YOU decide where your child goes to school.

You need to research the charter school's curriculum. Better grades can be deceptive. We have a Christian school in our area that everyone loves and pays big bucks for the modern building and friendly environment, but if you talk to people in the public high school, they'll tell you those kids are always behind when they transfer in. Also a friend of mine went there. She said she loved it and it was easy for her to get straight As, but when she got to college she couldn't write and felt so behind everyone else.

Look up your state's standards and make sure the charter school is hitting them. If so, and your daughter is happy there, then keep her there if you can, but if it's too hard for you to make it work that is VALID. Put her back in her other school and monitor her school work.

Only you can know how good the school is and what the right choice is. Don't leave it up to the kids to decide.

other than some inefficiencies on the part of the charter school (which can happen in some public schools too) i can't see any reason to move your daughter. she's happy there, kids seem to be responding to her in a positive fashion. your only real reason for wanting to move her is embarrassment over your son. i don't think that's a good reason at all. it didn't work for him, you took steps to take care of the issue and put him in a better situation. nothing to be embarrassed about. and surely not a reason to move your daughter when she's doing fine there.
driving all over hellandgone is a mother's lot in life!
khairete
S.

Reading your post, I could see a case for and against keeping your daughter in her current school. I wasn't going to reply, since I didn't think I had any good advice for you.

And then, at the very end, you state that your daughter is quiet and shy. That, right there, powerfully tilts the balance toward keeping her in her current school -- especially if it's a year when she'd be the only new kid, or one of a very few. Shy, quiet children just don't do new situations well. If she's happy where she is, there's really a strong case for letting her stay.

On the question of embarrassment, I have that too, through the conduct of a family member (no details, for privacy). It's really hard, I am not going to sugar-coat it. But if you hold your head high and are friendly, for every one person who judges you, there will be two or three or five who really admire you and seek out a friendship. It's hard, and it doesn't work every time, but when it does, it's worth it.

I am a teacher. My gut response on this is that you should make sure your daughter's skills are really improving. Grades do not necessarily measure learning. Some charter schools are great, some not so much. If one school is saying she was deficient and then the new school is not telling you this, that does not necessarily mean that she is actually making gains. I say this in part because of what you say about the teacher's handling of grades and communication.

My first inclination is to say that if your daughter is happy and she is doing better academically than in the old school, you should keep her there. One thing to consider: are you confident that your daughter is actually learning better and acquiring new academic skills? You say her grades are better, however if the school is setting the bar way low, the grades could be higher without her actually having learned more than at the other school. It probably isn't the case, but I just thought I would mention that idea.

About the social piece... if she was unhappy socially, she would have let you know and wouldn't want to stay there. As you observed, the other girls were being friendly with her, and at age 8, if she was constantly alone, she would have told you at home. Regarding the parents, well, you don't need to socialize with them or worry about their opinion of your son. He's not there anymore, and I am sure that everyone has now had time to get to know your daughter as herself, not as his sister.

About the communication with the teacher, your daughter will have a different teacher next year, right? So perhaps the next one will be better organized with her record keeping and with parent meetings. I wouldn't be thrilled with not having any parent-teacher conferences the whole year, however if there aren't any problems with her learning, it isn't disastrous.

Ultimately, you and your husband will need to decide whether the transport hassles and communication issues are deal breakers for you. Based on what you have said, however, keeping her at the school which she likes seems better.

Some teachers are not good at communicating, and it sounds like your daughter's teacher get's a little behind sometimes. When I started teaching I felt like I was always playing catchup. It think part of the reason for that was my shear exhaustion at the end of each day. Now that I've been teaching for many years, I'm usually very much on top of things.

If she's a younger teacher, she could still be somewhat overwhelmed and just working hard to keep up with everything. It really does take time for many to learn how to do that. If she's a more experienced teacher, it could also be that she's not as comfortable with technology - posting grades to the portal, email communications with parents. My son's kindergarten teacher (20+ years experience) let us know right away that she wasn't really comfortable with email, so if we needed to talk to her we needed to call her. That was probably a good think for me, because I might have been tempted to email her at least once a week to see how he was doing. This way I had to be more patient and trust her to let me know if there was a problem. Since then he's had 2 much newer teachers. They've been great as far as emails and communications, but they are definitely still learning the ropes of teaching. My son can be quite the class clown (I don't envy his teachers), and the two newer teachers would get frustrated with him more easily, so there were many days not on "green." When he was in kindergarten he was very rarely not on "green." I'm wondering if she just really had the tools to notice when he was starting to lose focus or starting to get giddy and helped redirect his attention.

Since it's the end of the year, and the teacher has not contacted you, it's up to you to try again. Send and email or make a phone call to set up a time for a conference.

And try not to worry so much about what people think. Really!!! Most teacher and parents are actually very, very understanding. We all have bad days, our kids have bad days and are sometimes just not up for certain challenges. It's true that sometimes we do have trouble cutting people some slack, but for the most part I think teachers are very professional and parents are very forgiving. None of us are perfect, and we've all been there.

Our younger so has special needs. We signed up up for baseball, and it has been a real struggle. He just doesn't "get it." It's more than just your bored kid who plays in the dirt. He actually lies down in the middle of the infield while the game is going on. I played softball for 10 years. This is so embarrassing. At the first game I was very stressed. His first time at bat he hit the ball off the tee - well, bumped it with his bat is more like it - and just stood there, so I yelled, "Go, A, go! Run to first base!" He started moving (I wouldn't call it running), and some of the other parents started yelling, too. "Good hit, A, way to go!" And there stood my little guy on first base with a smile so big he was just beaming with pride!!! I started crying. I was so touched that everyone knew he was struggling, and they were so supportive. Then again, a part of me was embarrassed because now they knew that my kid was THAT KID. I'm so ashamed that I was embarrassed, because I love him so much for who he is. But I was. I don't know how to explain it. He is my baby, and I love him with all my heart! I'm learning how to accept people's encouragement of my son without being embarrassed. It's my own little struggle :-)

Set up a time to meet with her teacher. Make a list of you questions and bring it with you so that you don't forget. I think you might be pleasantly surprised at how well she's doing.

And try not to worry about what people think of you or your son. You can't control that. All you can do is graciously accept compliments or help, hold your head high and try not to let anything else get you down.

Please try not to let your own, adult upset and embarrassment over your son's meltdown and departure color how you look at your daughter's experiences there. You need to step back from the emotions YOU feel, that are tied up in his problems while there, and be the objective adult when it comes to your daughter.

The fact you are "embarrassed and ashamed" and focus on the adults' "tight cliques" (that you're not part of) is not good. That's focus on you, not on your child.

When I read you post, many things I see you wondering about are things you could find out yourself or take in hand by being proactive:

You're not sure if she has friends. So ask her. Does she talk about other kids? Ask to see them outside school? (By age eight most girls, I think, are asking about play dates with other kids.) Does she talk about what Sally said or what Jane did in class today or how Jimmy is a joker? Have you ever talked with her teacher about whether she seems to be doing OK socially? Also, remember some kids are not social butterflies. If she has a couple of friends, and gets along well enough with the rest of the class, she's fine; she doesn't need lots of tight buddies. You also can help things along yourself, mom -- do you ever contact other parents to arrange play dates outside school? She can't do that herself.

Regarding the teacher: If she won't have the same teacher next year, I'd drop the concern for now about the teacher not being as communicative as you like. It will be different next year and you can tell the new teacher right up front at the start, "Do you enter a 0 when an assignment's not complete" etc. The portal you mention sounds a lot like what we have in middle school here -- we get e-mails from teachers with grade summaries and the summary shows if there is a missing assignment, and then we get an update summary that reflects the assignment when it's done. Surprised to see that at elementary level, but it's helpful. If the teacher is indeed updating as needed, why is this such a concern? Isn't it possible that it's just a new system for you so you're not confident in it because it's so different from what you're used to?

If you want a year-end conference with the teacher, why not contact her today to schedule it? Even if she does not do regular conferences for the end of the year, you have the right to see her. Are there at least one, preferably two, scheduled conferences each school year?

It sounds as if you're not sure whether this school is telling you the full truth about her progress. You say that her old school always told you she "was deficient in all areas of academics" then you say that "I'm not hearing that here" and have seen good grades -- but I get the feeling you are doubting something about the new school and maybe even about her grades.

Do you work with her at home; hear her reading out loud, ask her questions about what she's read; help her review for a history quiz to see if she "gets" the material; review her math homework to see if she grasps the concepts? If you are involved with her homework and with just talking to her about what she is learning, you will know if you feel she's getting a good education here and grasping what they are teaching her.

Overall your post sounds as if you are a bit scared to question the teacher or press to find out more about what she's doing IN school academically each day. If that's wrong, I'm sorry, but it comes across that you are so worried and ashamed over your son's short stay there that you are not being proactive or very involved with the school, the teachers and yes, other parents.

The fact your child, herself, is asking to stay there is VERY important. Ask her why she loves her school so much. Draw out some details by asking her specific questions: What is your favorite subject? Why? What is the most fun part of history? What does Mrs. X do when she teaches math that made it fun today? You might learn a whole lot about what seems to be working well for her.

Well, it sounds like you are holding on to the embarrassment and others are not holding it against your daughter.

I think many people have kids at several different schools now that we are all so spread out.

In our town the kids go to elementary school through 5th grade then they go to a different school for 6th grade. They go to another school for 7th and 8th grade. Then they go to the high school for 9th on up.

I have a friend who has 7 children and one year she actually had kids in 5 different schools. One was at Head Start, two were in elementary school, one was in 6th, one in 8th, and one in high school and one was at the vo-tech most of the day and it's on a different side of town.

Kids go to different schools. No issues with that. I do suggest you consider daughter's feelings. She won't have the same teacher next year correct?

As far as kids being at different schools, at one time, I had 4 kids in 4 different schools, and I worked at a 5th school!

Yes, the kids rode school busses, but still..... that aspect is workable.

As far as the academics and such.... I would also check with the state test standards and see how the charter school stacks up against the public school she will be going to.

If she is happy and succeeding let her stay. As far as communication goes, your daughter told you about cancelled trip. That is called making kids responsible. It seems now teachers e mail parents. Do not bother making kids responsible. Big mistake IMO. Children should be told what is needed. Then maybe an e mail later on. Guess I am old fashioned. My kids knew when tests were, field trips etc we signed the slips. Worked well. Now have 4 independent kids with dailies of their own.

Updated

If she is happy and succeeding let her stay. As far as communication goes, your daughter told you about cancelled trip. That is called making kids responsible. It seems now teachers e mail parents. Do not bother making kids responsible. Big mistake IMO. Children should be told what is needed. Then maybe an e mail later on. Guess I am old fashioned. My kids knew when tests were, field trips etc we signed the slips. Worked well. Now have 4 independent kids with dailies of their own.

wow, driving to 3 schools is a lot of coordination. Is there anyway you could carpool with someone at your daughter's school? I think this could help you get to know other families. You may consider making friends at your daughter's school. It is hard for kids to make the playdates without parents working together on it.

It sounds like a good school for her and she seems happy. Can you volunteer in the classroom once a month? That way you can kind of see for yourself how your daughter is doing. Or can you eat lunch with her some days? You are assuming everyone is judging you, but it might not be the case. Don't be afraid to invite over a kid from her class on a regular basis. Play dates really help friendships form - or at least that is what I have noticed with my own kids. Ask your daughter who she would like to invite over. You could also plan a playdate at a playground where you and the other mom can talk and get to know each other. I have a few mom friends with kids who have ADHD and behavioral problems, and I have seen their terrible meltdowns. I do not judge bc my son can be incredibly hard and has had his share of meltdowns. I still invite their kids over...they are always well behaved at our house (well except one time, but that was years ago). Anyway, it is worth a try. Also - my oldest is in 4th grade (public school) and every year is different. Some years the teacher is a great communicator and some years the teacher is dismal at communicating.

I would ask for a meeting with the teacher. I would also meet with the other school and ask them what they might offer your child if she moved to the same school. Then decide if it's better to move her or not. The other thing to determine is what are the expectations and is she meeting the same as she would have in the old school? Is it apples to apples or apples to pears? Does she still have the same problems, but they aren't addressed? You need to know what level she is reading at, where she is expected to be, what is expected of her grade level, etc. IMO, I would want data. You can offer her dance class outside of school if that is one of her main things. Is there no recess in her old school? How old is she? When a field trip was cancelled, I received a note, but my DD is 5. If it were a 5th grader, I would not expect a note, unless there was some business about refunds or something.

What I would also do is allow her to hand out your home # to a few friends. I put a note on a card that said, "DD would like a playdate with your child. Please call me at .... or email me at ... if your child would like to come to our home. Thanks!" It's been kind of hard, and it's only worked once, but at least I know she has friends IN school. People are just busy.

If you get all the cards on the table and the only "problem" is that you have to drive more, then I would leave her in that school. You can also look into carpools to help. Or see if there's a bus for one kid or the other.

As far as yourself, I don't try to make friends at DD's school. If I chat with someone, great. If not, I have other friends. I help out when needed (like hanging art) and I go to events and people know who I am. I am more concerned with DD in school than me in her school, if that makes sense.

Keep her in charter school. It sounds like she is doing well. You should probably check and see if she is up to speed with what she is learning. Different schools have different levels of studies so you should check to see if she knows all the basics for her age and grade.

No one is going to not want your daughter over because of her brother having problems. She will judged by parents for her behavior, not his. Have you invited her friends over, or are you worried about your son's behavior? Could your husband take your son to the park, while your daughter has a play date at home? You inviting them would encourage the other moms to invite your daughter over.

I can understand your mixed feelings about this school given what happened with your son (speaking as a mom of a child with ADHD, I know the horrible comments other kids and parents can make when there's a behavior incident).

However, your daughter sounds happy there. If she's happy and the quality of the school is decent, I'd keep her there. You can run into communication issues with teachers at any school.

If shuttling the kids to three different schools is affecting your job (for instance, it makes you arrive late), though, that's a different story. It may be time to do what you can to minimize the number of schools if your career/livelihood could be harmed.