Just Found Out I'm pregnant..having Guilty Feelings

There's nothing like another sibling to put things in perspective. I have the distinct feeling, that he really NEEDS a sibling!
Yeah, when I had my second the first was 3 1/2 and sill being dried off with a hooded baby towel! I really laugh at that now!
You will not only be fine, you will be better!

Aww, no reason to feel guilty! You're just adding more love. My girls are 22 months apart and are inseparable (they do have a bit of a love/hate relationship, lol). Just include him in the preparations and after the baby. Congrats!

You can't imagine the bond that can grow between siblings. My first was very dramatic and attention seeking in most things but when it comes to her baby sister she is the opposite. It'll be fine. Prepare him and explain what jealousy is and how it is normal and how he should deal with it. Best wishes!

This is something that parents of singletons don't really understand, and it's totally normal. I know I didn't believe I could possibly love a subsequent child as much as my first one. But you will. Let me see if I can explain.

Let's say you have a pie. An apple pie. You take it to a party. Yay, party!

The pie is sliced up into servings. If there are lots of people at the party to share the pie, you have to give out smaller slices, which means that each person gets less. If only two people show up, HEY! Lots of pie for them!

But here's the thing: Your love is not an apple pie.

Unlike the pie, your love gets BIGGER with every person in your life that you have to love. And your love is also different for every person. So when you have another baby, you don't slice your love in half so each gets a serving, your love GROWS to TWICE the size that it was previously. And it will grow even more with every child you have.

You'll have PLENTY of love for your new baby, and still love your first child just as much, if not more than you do now, because you'll realize things you didn't know...like how unique and amazing he is compared to the other children in your life.

It's going to be okay.

Christy Lee explained it beautifully. Read her post.

I had 8 kids. I loved each of them very much. But my kids got more love than if I had only had one and had been done. Why? Because they received not only my wife and my love, but they also received their siblings' love.

Good luck to you and yours.

Good news, if you were doting on him so much, loving him so much, if he was so much your center of attention that you cannot fathom having anything left for another child without taking away from him, you were doting on him at a harmful level.

It will actually be healthier for him having another child.

Guilt gone?
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Oh wow, some of the answers, no, not every mom has these feelings, actually no mom I know has ever had these feelings. My only fear was if the older one would get into trouble while I was occupied with the second child, like feeding them or changing a diaper.

It's normal to ask all those questions about how this will affect your son. It's not normal to feel guilty about the pregnancy.

It sounds like you're wanting to protect your son from normal life events. He's going to have feelings when he starts school. Are you going to keep him home so he won't be upset? He will have many changes in his life and he needs to learn how to deal with them. You, also, need to learn how to deal with changes so that you can teach him those skills.

It's normal to have a sibling. All older children will feel neglected. He doesn't have to feel second best. He will feel left out at times. He will, at times feel that you don't love him as much. Those are all normal feelings that all siblings fee at times. Even only children feel like this at times because of some event over which you have no control.

You do have control over how you help him deal with those feelings. Read about how to integrate a new baby into your home. Help him learn how to deal with his feelings.

I suggest that you, first, need to learn how to deal with your feelings. I urge you to get counseling. You do not need to feel guilty.

Guilt is instilled in us by the way we were parented. Guilt is often used as a way to control children. I spent many years feeling guilty. With counseling I learned to be easier on myself and feel less guilt. I feel so liberated and have much more fun now than when I was young.

You do not want to raise your children to feel guilty. Give them the gift of freedom from guilt by liberating yourself.

Oh yeah, totally normal! It is hard to imagine you could love another child as much bc you go so over the moon with love the first time you become a mommy :). Now that I am a mom of three the best way I can explain it is like a candle. No matter how many other candles you use that original flame to light that candle's flame will not be diminished at all. You can't imagine how much your second will light up your life, much like how you can't really imagine what it is to be a mom the first time you are pregnant. It will be great, harder, but great. As for your older one feeling a little displaced, that is pretty likely, but you just make a little time daily to give that older one some special cuddles, color a picture together etc and it will all be fine. Let the older one feel your belly as it grows and be your helper getting diapers etc when baby comes. People have been having siblings forever, it will go great. Congrats! Wishing you a great pregnancy :)

Oh, you're going to be surprised. The more people you have to love, the more love you're going to possess to give them! You won't be lacking in love!

Energy, for a while, maybe, you'll be lacking! And your three-year-old will have to adjust from being the only to being the older. But you adjusted from being a single person to a married one, and you are all right with that, aren't you? People do adjust to their situations.

Your son has been your pride and joy. Now you're going to have two prides and joys. Hooray!

Generally (very generally!) speaking, your son will develop his attitude about the new member of the family from watching and listening to you. Model a positive, joyful, "This is terrific!" attitude, include your boy in the progress and the plans, and answer any questions he comes up with, no matter how silly they may be.

And congratulations!

He will be just fine. I'm pregnant with baby #4. Each of my kids got to be the baby for about 2-2.5 yrs. As long as you still carve out one on one time for each kid, and don't make everything all about the new baby, he'll be just fine.

Congratulations and I hope your kids love each other as much as mine do. It is really heartwarming to see ;-)

You got married and loved and adored your husband..then a baby came. Did you not have enough love to share with that baby?? It is amazing how much love grows with each person that comes into our life.

Your feelings are totally normal. All us moms of multiple kids went through it!!

We have 3 kids and would love to have more but my body can't take another pregnancy. (we have lost 2) So guess what?? I fill my home with our kids' friends, my friend's kids and nieces and nephews...I love them all. The capacity to love is a beautiful thing....it has an endless capacity.

But time on the other hand is different. That is what will take some juggling on your part. When baby is sleeping, use that time to snuggle up with your older child and read a book,play a game, do a chore together and talk, bake cookies together. When baby is awake, get your son involved so he feels he is needed and has an important job.

Our three kids often talk to us about wanting us to have another baby. They were devastated when we miscarried our 4th baby at five months gestation. They longed to have another sibling to love...to play with...to take care of...to argue and fight with. It is all part of being a family...it isn't all about being fair and getting the exact same of everything. So many great interpersonal relationship lessons are learned in a family with multiple kids.

You will do great M....congrats on the upcoming arrival of your second bundle of joy. Good luck and best wishes.

**Sharing love and attention should be the least of your worries...worry more about getting some sleep ;)

I'm always shocked when I hear people say they feel guilty being pregnant when they have an older child and the reasons why. I always felt the exact opposite. This is just so very hard for me to relate to because I've found that the more children I've welcomed into my home, the bigger my heart has become and the more love I feel. I don't "share" my love with anyone. All three of my daughters get love and attention and nothing has been taken from the older girls when a new baby was added. In fact, they were each given something I never got to have... a sister. There's so much love in our house and no one wants for attention. My eldest child certainly doesn't feel "second best" because we had her first sister, and my second daughter doesn't feel "second best" or "third best" because we had a third child. Why would they feel that way? We weren't having replacement children. We were having siblings.

Did you have issues with your own siblings that you need to work out? Or were you an only child?

Did you have siblings? Did your husband have siblings? I can only imagine that you'd feel this way because you were an only child.

One way to look at it is that you would be depriving your 3 year old of ever knowing the love of a sibling if you didn't have this baby. Of course, that doesn't mean that people who have only children are depriving their child. I'm just trying to get you to see the other side of it.

I have actually never met anyone who thought that they would make their child feel 2nd best by having another baby. What on earth is your child going to feel like when he goes to school with 20 kids in his class? At some point, mom, you have to let your child know that he's not the king of the hill. You will just set him up for failure if you let him believe the lie that he rules his world. Flaming Turnip is right - this is an unhealthy view of things, and you'd do best to figure that out earlier rather than later...

I was 3 when my sister came along. I didn't feel displaced. I had an important job....I was the big sister and I enjoyed helping my mom with the baby.

As we grew, my sister and I fought like cats and dogs because she has a seriously firey and pushy personality and I am the exact opposite, but we are the only two siblings. Now that we are adults, we really love each other and are so glad to have each other. When our father died, we really leaned on each other to get through things. Siblings have a special bond and that's a good thing.

The thing about love is that it can grow exponentially. I have two kids. My first child was almost 10 when my second baby came along. I didn't plan it that way, but it worked out beautifully. There was no jealousy...we were all so happy to have a baby in the house!

What you are feeling is completely normal. Just know that you don't have to overcompensate based on your own feelings. Involve your son with helping the baby, encourage him to be a proud big brother and remind him of the things that he can do that the baby can't. Remind him that he will always be your first baby, no matter how old he gets.

You really will find a happy balance. Just convey this to your son as who things in families naturally work and I think he will be fine.

Best wishes!

SO normal. I think every mom feels that way going from one to two!!! Don't worry, I promise your universe can have two centers :) Your relationship with your first will change, and he may feel the difference in attention that you can give him, but you will not love him any less. You will adapt, he will adapt, and honestly he will never remember not having a sibling.
It will take a couple of years, but at some point you will tell your kiddos to go play together, and they will, and it will be amazing!

First of all, congratulations!

Second of all, if you read all the posts on Mamapedia about women feeling guilty for having a single child and depriving him/her of a sibling, you would be amazed. You have the opposite problem - you feel guilty for GIVING your child a sibling. My single child always griped that he didn't have a sibling. So you can't win if you think this way!

What makes you think that children benefit from getting ALL the attention? What makes you think that they shouldn't learn to share and have a sibling as a friend and being part of a happy family?

You can't imagine loving a second child as much as your first, perhaps. That's very common. But your heart has the capacity to love more and more. You will not love your toddler less when you have the baby. You will be a bigger family. Yes, sometimes a 3 year old gets ticked off when he doesn't get his way, has to share, has to follow the family rules. That's what 3 year olds do. It's also what 5, 9, 13 and 17 year olds do. That doesn't mean it's wrong to have another child.

You'll figure out ways to have him be the big brother. You'll figure out ways to juggle. You'll figure out ways to address his concerns. Not having a 2nd child that you want very much is not the way to handle your first child.

It's time to start enjoying the pregnancy, and to realize that your hormones wreak havoc with your thoughts and focus and emotions. You will have these thoughts from time to time, but you don't have to give in to them. Just ride the wave and you'll arrive safely on shore!

Perfectly normal, and to answer those questions...no, your child will not feel less loved.

I've got 8 kids, and with each of those kids I have had the same feelings, but your heart does grow and so does your childs for their new sibling.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Yes, the feelings are normal. Many women feel this way - not all - but a lot do.

Include your son in this pregnancy! He will be happy about it. Tell him what a great big brother he will be. You will have a BIGGER heart...the love will be there...as will the attention.

My boys are 2 years apart. For a while, we had dates - just the two of us. So he could have me all to himself. Try that with your son. Make sure you and your husband have "special" time with him. It will all be fine!!

Congratulations!!!

It's normal to be worried about how your child will fit in to the new family. And I can also tell you it will work out beautifully. You child will still feel loved and included. And you son will also have a new person to love and help care for. There may be a learning curve of sorts. It may take a bit for everything to fall into place, but it will work out just fine. You'll work hard to include him since you are aware this is a big change for him. Congrats on the newest edition!

I may be wrong but it seems like the norm for your life to be filled with guilt after having kids regardless of how many you have. What I mean by that is whether you have one or more you will always find something that makes you think hmmm, should I have fed him that or if I hadnt of turned my head for those 2 seconds they wouldnt have fallen and hurt themselves or I yelled at them and maybe I shouldnt have. Maybe Im crazy but my life is riddled with guilt and yes I felt a severe amount of guilt when I was expecting #2 and for many months after she was born but the guilt of all the other things - what ifs were still there. Its normal in my opinion and your son will eventually thank you so day for giving him a sibling regardless of how he takes it in the beginning
Good Luck and Congrats

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I may be wrong but it seems like the norm for your life to be filled with guilt after having kids regardless of how many you have. What I mean by that is whether you have one or more you will always find something that makes you think hmmm, should I have fed him that or if I hadnt of turned my head for those 2 seconds they wouldnt have fallen and hurt themselves or I yelled at them and maybe I shouldnt have. Maybe Im crazy but my life is riddled with guilt and yes I felt a severe amount of guilt when I was expecting #2 and for many months after she was born but the guilt of all the other things - what ifs were still there. Its normal in my opinion and your son will eventually thank you so day for giving him a sibling regardless of how he takes it in the beginning
Good Luck and Congrats

A sibling is the best gift you can give your son!
Also a healthy happy mom is a great gift, so if it's still bothering you, talk to a counselor about it.

Yes totally normal but your going to be so supprised at your love growing. Its not even like how you love your husband and discovered an entire new love for your first child its like your love doubles. Here is a totally bizare example but it makes since. I love bacon and I love chocolate. My son is bacon and I love him for all of his qualities. My daughter is chocolate and she is wonderful on her own. Its not like your love of bacon deminishes because you also have love for chocolate will it? Just like your kids, your love for each will be different for each because of there personalites but you will still have enough love to be "equal" but in different ways. I hope my compairing bacon/chocolate to kids makes since for you ! !! ! Congrats your world is about to change and become crazy! but in the most amazing way.

Parenting doesn't work that way. Your love multiplies it doesn't subtract. I felt that way when I had my second as well. Then it dawned on me that I was giving my oldest child the best gift possible, a sibling. They were going to learn how to share with one another, how to be kind, charitable, helpful..... I could go on and on. My oldest adored her brother and she was so excited to introduce him to everyone. I know have six kids. Two of which are not living. My children love having little ones around and wouldn't want it an other way.

Yes he's going to feel neglected at times. He's also going to feel happy, sad, angry, proud, selfish, giving, etc. You'll feel like the best mom, the worst mom, tired, elated, unsure, knowing it all, doubting everything, trying your best, not thinking you are doing what you need to do etc. But in the end you'll both be fine because you'll be coming from a place of love.

I wouldn't worry too much about it. Every good mom has worried about it but your heart just expands. If you have enough love for one, you'll have enough for 2.

I felt the same way when i had my second but my husband started spending more time with the oldest so she would not feel left out, and the baby needs the mammy more than daddy, also re assuring her and making her feel important as a Big sister and have her help with the baby like at bath time hand you shampoo or something easy for her to do, it make's them feel involve and important.

Your love grows with another child. It's not a bank where you have a certain amount of love that you dole out to the people in your life. :) It doesn't work that way. I think what you are feeling is normal, but all these feelings will vanish when that baby is put in your arms. If anything, my second changed me from being the helicopter mom to a more laid back, go with the flow mom. That is about the only changes I noticed to my mothering (and they were good changes!).