Its Complicated

You need to go talk to your pastor about this. It's GOOD that this is about about the church and a mentoring situation, because you can do something about it by talking to the minister.

The minister needs to have a meeting with the mentors and tell them that they have fallen down on the job. A mentor's job is NOT to sabotage a marriage by coming in between a husband and wife. And that is essentially what they have done.

If he is a good pastor, he will tell them that they are not to tell the husband WHY they aren't inviting him as much. They should curtail the time they spend with him.

Once this is done and they aren't calling him all the time (which I really hope is the outcome of the pastor's talk), ask your husband to go with you to the pastor for counseling. The pastor does not have to talk about his prior knowledge regarding this couple. You need to talk about wishing that your husband were more connected to the family. In the discussion, you can mention him going out with the other church couple over your kids' recitals and ballgames, and the pastor can tell him that this is not what a father is supposed to do.

Try this, Lilly.

Good luck,
Dawn

Wow, YES, you should say something to them. Rather than being supportive of your marriage and family, they are contributing to its damage. However, it is not their fault, unless they know what they are doing is wrong and then freely choose to do it anyways.

Focus on your husband, and then as a "by the way" to the couple, I'd say something like, "Jim and I have discussed the fact that he is missing out on far too much vital family time, and have agreed to cut back on the extra socializing that he does away from the family. We hope you understand that he won't be able to participate in as many events as he used to. Thanks for your support with this." But really, the onus is on your husband to WANT to make the changes.

I think this is less about home being unattractive and more about old people making him feel guilty. I can tell you when my dad retired it caused a strange dynamic that drug innocent bystanders into the mix. It is like they don't know how to be just a couple, do things all the time together so they need other people, they feed on other people. Okay the last bit was me being dramatic.

Your husband needs to realize his being there all the time is hurting more than it is helping. Until they have to be alone as a couple they aren't going to do it. My parents drove all of us nuts till we just stopped answering half their calls. Who knows, maybe their kids have hit that point so they moved on to your husband. :-/

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I sort of disagree with the rest and have to say I think the mentors to a point are responsible. If they know your husband is rarely at home, and are actually doing stuff with THEM, then they should be wondering WHY he isn't at home...unless like you said, he is *implying* that he is at games and activities with the family and they assume he is still active with the family. I think you should start to talk to him about it, but since they have the *role* as mentoring you as a couple, I would also mention it to them. They clearly are lacking on their job, but maybe because they don't know your husband isn't home as much as he should be. And I would be VERY careful with the "social drinking". That could turn into a problem REAL quick. Good luck!

I'd like to first share that I am the Treasurer at our church, and my husband is a Deacon. We are highly involved in many things, so I'm all for "church." :) Having said that, without boundaries, we can get so busy doing religious activities that we do not actually follow what the Bible says. What about a sabbath (day of rest)? Husbands loving their wives like Christ loves the church? Wives respecting our husbands? I firmly believe that the "helper" role that we are given as wives, includes lovingly helping our husbands see their faults. (Not at all in a mean way, but truly with unconditional love & in a way that helps them grow in their relationship with Christ.)
From your husband's perspective, he probably gets encouragement from those at church, and he probably feels a sense of purpose while he is there. Those are good things, but he needs to figure out if he's helping so much because he personally feels good about it, or if he truly feels called to be involved in everything that he's involved with. It's okay for you to lovingly tell him that you need more of his time -- that you love him & enjoy spending time together as a family. Figure out how much time that would be for you -- all day on Sundays? From 6-8 every Saturday evening? A Tuesday night family night each week? Just try not to scare him into thinking that he has to back off of all of his church duties -- just to prioritize what God says.

I hope this helps. Feel free to write back if you'd like to talk. I'm confidential & nonjudgmental. :) God bless you & your family!

I hate to be the devil's advocate here, but.... are you sure it's the mentors he's spending so much time with? Do you actually SEE him with them?? Something doesn't sound quite right with this whole situation!! Sorry, but this has red flags written all over it!

Good luck!!

Lilly:

The problem is NOT with the "mentors" the problem is with your husband and your marriage.

Why are you NOT communicating this with your husband? To me? It's not complicated. In my opinion, YOU are the one making it complicated. I am NOT trying to be mean. But you are his wife and partner - NOT his mother. He is NOT married to them - he is married to YOU. So YOU need to communicate with your husband that THIS IS OUR MARRIAGE and YOU MUST PARTICIPATE in it...spending time with "our" mentors is NOT

* working on OUR marriage
* spending time with the family
* getting to kids sports events

I would talk with them as well - IF they are supposed to be mentors - explain to them that this is not your idea of mentoring...and tell them what you expected when they were assigned to YOUR MARRIAGE as mentors...
Communication is key. You can't keep it balled up inside. You can't keep directing your anger and frustration where it does not belong - at the mentors -
are they forcing your husband in some way?
Are they excluding you in some way? If they are - WHY???
Are you not invited to the football games and bar? If not - WHY?

It sounds like you don't have much in common with your husband....what drew you two together in the first place? What DO you do together? What do you expect from him? What do you WANT from him?

You need to communicate with him and them...but mostly HIM.

Now the question is DO YOU WANT TO??? I know a lot of people like to vent - and then do nothing - so are you going to vent and do something or just vent? Please do not take this as mean. It IS hard to FINALLY say something when you have allowed it to happen for a while...but you have a problem and you need to speak up..

Good luck!!

Read Dawn's response again.
She's smart! :)

He shouldn't be fitting his family around his time with his mentors, he should be fitting time with his mentors around time with his family--which should always come first. After God. And you.

Hmm.. I don't understand what you said about "It is up to me to make home more attractive to him". Huh?! Is your husband a toddler? You have to lure him to be there with his own family? Umm, no. He's responsible enough and man enough to know what he should be doing. He's not doing it. Tell him how you feel (have you?), even say something to the mentors if you have to. Start to demand that he take a more active role in his family. By that I don't mean act like his mother, I mean, "Hey, I made plans with a friend this evening, so you'll have to take Jonny to the baseball game." or "I'm sleeping in tomorrow so I'll need you to take the kids to school."

You're not a doormat, and it's not your job to lure him to his responsibilities. It IS your job to be honest about how you feel and let him do what it takes to fix it. Is it possible he doesn't even know what he's doing wrong?

Definitely talk to your husband about this. Friends no matter how long known nor circumstances under which met should ever cause issues in your marriage. This has nothing to do with them being marriage mentors or your religion but rather outside people causing disharmony between you and your husband.

Okay I get that you are mad at these (so called) mentors, but you are not married to them, you are married to your husband.
HE is the only one you need to worry about.
They are not forcing him to spend time with them, I assume he is a grown man who makes his own choices?
If he would rather spend time at bars and football games than with his wife and children, then that issue needs to be addressed.
I'm going to try and say this very carefully: does he enjoy spending time with you and the kids? Sometimes moms with young children can be pretty demanding and bossy with their husbands. I'm not saying YOU are but I have seen that a lot and I kinda get why the guy avoids coming home.
Look at the big picture and don't put this on the older couple, this is between you and your husband.
Plan a date night, go out and have some fun. Get relaxed and talk about it. And don't forget to listen too :)

It's not up to this other couple to encourage him to spend more time at home. It's not any part of their responsibility at all. It's your husband's responsibility. And yes, it's also your responsibility to let him know that you'd like him to spend more time at home. Is he even remotely aware that you're angry about this?

I don't think you can "substitute church friends with a bowling league mentor" because these people are supposed to be your MARRIAGE MENTORS! As mentors, they should KNOW that your hubby is being neglectful and they should not be encouraging it.

I think your church needs to have a meeting with all their "mentors" and explain to them what they should be encouraging and what they should be discouraging. Their behavior does not seem to me to be in keeping with mentoring a marriage.

I haven't read any responses. I understand how you feel.

I think he should be allowed out at least 1x per week if not 2 if you can afford it. He shouldn't miss all the kids activities just to go out but missing one on occasion should be fine. Are these outtings at the same time or do they change? It could be possible for him to meet up after the kids events. You should not say anything to these retired people.
I hope you are getting out at least 1x per week for some girl time. I hang with my girls on Fridays or Saturdays or sometimes both. Sometimes we just play games at someones house.

I think you should talk to HIM about how HE spends his time and misses out on time with you/family time and how you need to be a priority. They could be anybody. Your problem is with him.

Are you being invited on these outings and you are declining? It seems strange for mentors to just pick your husband and ignore you.

Your problem isn't with the older couple, its with your husband. You need to explain to him that he needs to be present with your family not just a bystander. If they are putting a guilt trip on your husband, you could say something like "I'm so excited that hubby has decided to rededicate himself to the family and I know you support that!" Then when they ask him to do something he needs to just say "hey remember, I am spending more time with the family, thanks".

Maybe your husband wants to spend time with you alone. Do you want to do everything with your kids inlcuded? I guess what I'm asking is, is there adult time without kids?

The first step is to discuss this with him!

The mentors do have a responsibility to keep your husband accountable for putting his family first, so granted they are failing at that! What a shame!

The burden of this situation falls on your husband, though. It's not on you to make home life "more attractive" (home life isn't all that attractive to *me* today, LOL! I just want to go have a latte and read a book in the park by myself, but I am still here being a parent and a wife.), but it's his responsibility to prioritize and actually GO to the kids activities and spend time with his family instead of just talking about it.

Tell him how you feel. Tell him how you feel like your family is second to his interests and these other people. Time for him to wake up before he regrets all the wasted time.

So sorry you are going through this, Lilly. I hope your husband recognizes the truth and decides to put his family first.

Talk to hubby. It's not the mentors fault that he's choosing to spend a lot of time with them. Are they an elderly couple needing this type of attention? Hubby could decline some of their invites. Does he have a job or leading role at church that requires these interactions? In either case, he has a choice.

Talk to your husband first.